Fighting For My Life

That title sounds dramatic doesn't it?   It should.  Getting this weight off is imperative.  It's quickly moving to the top of my list of THE most important things to me.  Sean at The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser, listed on my blogroll, is someone that I refer to often.  I made him my mentor very shortly after starting my blog last June.  He started the fight for HIS life at 505 lbs, and now he's just a few lbs. short of his 230 lb. goal.  I often find myself coming back around to the truths that he's built his weight loss on.  He's constantly harping on making this as important as life and death.  It sounds dramatic...but I agree with him.  Even when I get off track or go astray, I always come back around to this.  I need to just get it done.  I need to make it THE most important thing in my life, until it is conquered and a new heatlhy lifestyle is firmly in place. 

We all have different circumstances going on in our lives that can very easily throw off our focus, if we let it.  I have let it many times....too many times.  I get mad at myself for this.  In the end, none of the excuses/circumstances matter.  It's up to us to fix the ones we can, and deal with the ones we can't, without letting it throw us off course.  It takes a lot of determination, tenacity, consistency, perseverance and sacrifice to do it...but I believe it's worth doing.  I believe the freedom we'll find from sticking to it and seeing it through to our goals will far outweigh the pitfalls and obstacles that we have to work around along the way.  I don't know about you, but I am just sick to death of this taking so long.  I'm tired of veering off course and taking my blinders off.  Quite frankly, it's depressing.

I feel better when I'm doing better.  Making the right food choices and exercising makes me feel good about myself.  It makes me feel better physically, and it frees me mentally.  I was so low the other night when I did my last post, that I really thought I was going to have to go back on an anti-depressant to even get to a place where I can focus on losing the weight.  That may still be true.  I already have to go to the dr's in a month for my thyroid, so if I'm still having problems with the depression in a month, I'll get the dr. to give me another prescription for Zoloft.  It definitely helps. 

In the meantime, I'm going to do what I can for myself, starting today.  I've got a goal for the next 30 days.  I'm going to take it one day at a time...no more than that....and make the right decisions as I go along.  I'm not going to "try" to...I'm just going to do it.  I'm not going to look down the road to next week, or next month.  I'm going to live in the present, and only focus on a 24 hour time period.  Yes, I'm back where I started...one day at a time.  That's ok.  I'm still kicking...I've still got some fight left in me...and the important thing is that I'm not quitting. 

I keep thinking back to the challenge I did in April to get ready for my beach trip.  I went from 241 lbs to 226 lbs. in 30 days.  I lost 15 lbs. in one month, with admittedly slacking on the last week, where I only lost 1 lb....more focused on the week at the beach that was quickly approaching than I was on making the right choices.  This really makes me wonder how much I can really lose in a month, given I keep the daily focus...one day at a time...until 30 days have passed.  Can I lose 20 lbs?  I don't know.  I've already proven to myself that I can lose 15 lbs.  I'm 255 lbs. today.  I know I can at least get to 240 lbs.  That is so appealing.  My clothes will fit again at 240 lbs.  I'll be one lb. away from the 230's...again.  I might even get down into the 230's in the next 30 days.  I want to try.  I'm going to do my best, each day, and I'll see just what I'm capable of. 

All I know is that I have to get out of the pit I'm in now.  I have to climb out....now.  Nobody else is going to do it for me.  I have to save myself.  I think I'm worth fighting for...I think I deserve less depression and more happiness.  I think I deserve to get rid of the pain in my back and my knees from simply being too fat, and find out what it's like to live pain-free. 

I'm not going to post pics of everything I eat, just because I'm not going to add in a bunch of little things that I "have" to do this month.  There are two main things....the 2 I always come back to....eat less and move more.  It works if you actually do it....consistently, that is.  I'm a big fan of calorie counting because you can't argue with cold, hard numbers.  You can absolutely count on the numbers every time....so I'm keeping it between 1500-1800.  My exercise...I'm not sure yet.  But it has to be more than it is now.

I posted 2 weeks ago that I slipped and fell in Walmart and sprained my ankle.  It wasn't a terribly serious sprain...not enough to need crutches....but it definitely still hurts and is very weak.  We spent 4 hours walking around Biltmore Estate last weekend, and at the end of that time, I was praying my leg would just fall off, I was in so much pain.  So I've been nervous about getting back on the treadmill just yet.  I'm thinking about the bike or some kind of rowing machine at the gym, so that I won't have my weight on my foot, but will still be getting in some kind of exercise. 

And to go back to what I said earlier in this post about fixing the things you can.....I had a talk with Dwayne last night.  We had a nice dinner together...talked...and he really listened.  I told him I'm struggling big time in a lot of ways, considering an anti-depressant, and that I'm really disgusted with myself for being so loosey goosey on the weight loss and exercise front.  He told me that he knows he's a burden because he's around so much now (6 days a week), and that we don't eat very many of the same things.  He hugged me a bunch, held my hand....looked me right in the eyes, listened intently....and ended up telling me that he'll do absolutely anything he can in helping me to reach my goals and that I have his endless support in ALL of my goals.  He said he knows he needs to eat better...he'll try to work on that.  He said he's been thinking to himself that he needs to do better, just from watching me...and that he's trying to make himself get in the habit of some kind of exercise.  He admitted to a problem with laziness and poor choices, and he wants to do better....be better.

I told him I'll never force my own choices on him, and that I've never been one to believe in trying to change someone you're with.  It never works anyway....that they have to want to change for themselves...and they'll do it in their own time, if it's going to happen.  I told him if he needs any help...I'll do anything for him.  I told him that the grilling thing we used to do on weekends was really working for both of us....and we agreed that we're going to try it, until we get busted by the front ofc.  I told him no more bringing dinner home on Friday nights.  Besides the fact that it's a huge waste of money....we need to eat better.  I told him I'll be cooking on Friday nights from now on...something that we'll both enjoy.

My original plan for tonight's dinner...and what I told Dwayne...is that we'll have burgers and fries.  I have a box of those Reduced Fat Bubba Burgers in the freezer....they're 260 calories a piece and I cook them on the Foreman grill in the kitchen....then cut up a couple of baking potatoes, sprinkle some season salt and pepper on them, and bake them in the oven.  While figuring out how I wanted to spend my calories today...I decided I didn't want to spend 260 on one of those tiny burgers.  I decided that when I go to Publix on my lunch break today to pick up 120 calorie wheat buns, I'm going to grab a pack of ground chicken breast, and make myself a chicken burger in a skillet while his burger is on the Foreman.  I can have a 5 oz. chicken burger for only 150 calories.  This way I can get a healthier burger...a BIGGER burger...for 110 fewer calories.  I also looked up a large baking potato on http://www.sparkpeople.com/ and it says it's 278 calories.  So I decided I'll only have 1/2 of one, sliced up into fries, with my burger tonight.  We'll probably also have some watermelon...something we both enjoy.

As far as the grilling goes....we have a Char-Broil stand up electric grill.  You just plug it into the wall...no gas, no charcoal to fall out of the bottom and set the apt complex on fire.  We love that grill.  Dwayne said he'll start grilling every Sat night for us....and he'll make enough to last for Sunday's dinner too, so that we're now eating healthy all weekend.  Well....as healthy as he'll eat w/ no veggies, lol.  I was just so relieved that he's going to be on board with me, and supportive of what I want and need to do with my eating lifestyle.  He even said that if we get busted using our grill....that he'll buy a bag of charcoal each week, and a charcoal grill, and drag it out to an open area where you're allowed to grill....and still grill for me every weekend to help me stay on track.  I just love him.  He really wants to see  me succeed at what I'm trying to do...he wants to see my healthy AND happy...and I just love him to pieces for it. 

What's the date today?  The 10th I think?  So we'll see what I weight on Oct. 10th.  That's another thing...I have been absolutely TORMENTING myself with that damn scale....daily abuse.  So I'm going back to only weighing once a week, on Friday's, to see what kind of progress I'm making. 

I'm not saying I don't still need the anti-depressants....I may still do that when I go in for my thryoid appt....I'll definitely do it if it's apparent that I need it.  But I know that making the right choices and getting in regular exercise does wonders for the mind and body....and that needs to start today.

As a side note....I will REMEMBER this time that my cycle plays a huge part in my losses...because I'm abnormal and have a cycle that lasts 2 weeks.  I'm off for 2 weeks...it's here for 2 weeks...it leaves for 2 weeks....you get the idea.  So I know...no matter how well I'm doing...the scale is going to suck at least 2 out of the 4 weeks....however, I also know it should catch up on the good weeks....and I have to be careful to not give into the sweet/salty cravings that are so overwhelming during this time.  I always seem to forget about this stuff....but this morning on my way to work...the cramps kicked in to remind me. 

So this is where I'm at and what I'm doing....looking forward to a good weekend with Dwayne.  Oh...and I'm supposed to meet up with Tina and Crys at the Farmer's Market this Sunday.  Kim was supposed to go with us, but the poor thing broke her ankle a couple of days ago and is on crutches.  I feel so sorry for her...I know how bad it sucks to be incapacitated.  Everyone pray that my sweet friend heals up quickly. 

Have a fabulous weekend!  :)