Trench Warfare

Boy, I've got a lot to say today...lots to get off my mind.  I intended to start this post and just babble on until I got it all out of my system.  Then I realized I need to address a couple of more things first before I get down to the nitty gritty.

First of all, I just noticed when I signed on that I finally have 100 followers!!!!  I remember when I first started this blog last June.  My mom and dad signed up, and my best friend Pam, and Rebecca at Screwdestiny was my first follower that was someone I didn't already know as friend or family.  I blogged my heart out those first few days and wondered if I'd ever have more than 4 followers, lol.  I'm really amazed that I hit the 100 mark and even if not that many continuously read, I thank each of you for stopping by and finding it interesting enough at one point or another to sign on. 

Secondly, I've won 3 more awards!  The Sweet Tooth Obliteration Operation awarded me with the Beautiful Blogger award, already listed on my sidebar.  A huge thank you to her for finding my blog worthy of the honor.   Also, Dawne at 365 Days To a New Me and Eat To Live in 2010 both gave me the Happy Award...this is a new one for me!  Thanks to both of them.  The rules are to list 10 things that make me happy and then pass it along to 10 other people:

10 Things That Make Me Happy:

My salvation through Jesus Christ

My baby puppy dog Scarlette

Family

Friendships

Losing Weight

Becoming a gym rat

Watching my nieces & nephews learn and grow

Finding inspiration, friendship & comraderie in Blogland

Relationship with Dwayne (in most ways)

Helping others

10 people to pass this award onto:

*FiTCETERA*

266

:Deliciously Healthy

Escape From Obesity

Fat Girl vs. Skinny Girl

Getting Better and Better...

Just For The Hell-th Of It

Lots to Lose

my daily nosh

Sixty by Sixty

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On to the weight loss stuff.  Man this is some hard stuff, ain't it???  lol

Wow.  So much going on in my head these last couple of days.  When I first started this blog, I really had no idea how it would evolve and end up including so much of what goes on in my life.  I really didn't know the trials and tribulations that would present themselves along the way.  Hardships, roadblocks, losses, gains, happy times, sad times...downright depressing times.  And every last bit of it is directly related to how my weight loss goes.  That's why I write about it. 

Oh there's a lot I don't write about it, as I'm sure is the case for all of us.  Let's face it....there's some stuff that may affect you in a huge way, but for one reason or another, you just can't put it out there.  Doesn't matter really.  I think as human beings, many of us go through a lot of the same stuff.  The details may differ from person to person, but speaking in generalities, there will always be emotional stuff, stressful stuff, time restraints, family issues, kids, jobs, significant others....or in a word, Life.

I've been overwhelmed these last couple of days with LIFE, and I've had to crawl deep inside my brain (scary place to be) to really get things simplified where the weight loss is concerned.  Well...I don't want to call it weight "loss"....sometimes it's weight "gain".  How about the weight battle....trench warfare seems like a fair term.  For me, it really is a battle in every way.  It's an all out war between me and the fat cells.  Against me and circumstances, emotions, stresses, my brain, my heart...

I think it all boils down to just a few things.  Attitude.  Importance Level.  Perseverance.  Maybe a couple of more, but those will do for now.

There really are so many things that are out of our control.  Things that just "pop up" at a moment's notice.  Things we get blind-sided with.  Roadblocks to navigate around, potholes to derail us, etc, etc.  Attitude has got to be the most important things I think in dealing with this and doing your absolute best to stay on track, no matter WHAT life throws at you.  This is a hard one for me.  I can be the happiest, most laid-back girl in the world....but I can also turn negative very quickly.  One minute the sun is shining, the birds are singing and life is grooving along nicely.  Then something comes up...happens...unexpectedly..."off plan"....and all of a sudden...*poof*....my focus is gone.  Just that quick.  My attitude has turned sour and before you know it I'm saying, "To hell with it all".  There's probably an actual clinical term for this....I just choose to call it "crazy".  lol   Seriously though, I really do believe that we each get to choose our attitude towards how we're going to react to Life...and I need a lot more practice at this.  It's number one on my "to-do" list.

Secondly, Sean at The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser KEEPS ON TALKING about the Importance Level of this journey.  I never tire of hearing it or reading it.  There are people out there, like me, with thick skulls, who need to be told over and over until it actually sinks in.  He talks about making your journey to lose weight as important as LIFE and DEATH.  For a while, it WAS that important to me.  When I started this blog, it was all about my health.  I was 36 years old and well on my way to an early death.  I was on 2 meds for diabetes, a med for high cholesterol, a med for high blood pressure, a med for low thyroid....also have PCOS, for which there is no cure...just another syndrome to add to the list.  Prime candidate for heart attack or stroke.  I knew it, and I wanted to change it.  And I did.  I lost 40 lbs and came off of all of my meds (except thyroid, which is for life).  It was a huge milestone for me and one that I certainly didn't think I'd reach that quickly...meaning in only losing 40 lbs.  I felt happy, accomplished, and mostly relieved. 

Somewhere along the way, without realizing it, I think I got comfy with that.  I think I subconsciously thought I was in the "okay" zone now with my health, and the importance of my travels started dwindling.  Sure, I still have more weight to lose, and I really do WANT to lose some more.  But I wasn't scared for my life anymore.  I didn't feel like I might drop dead next week.  The importance of it was no longer that important. 

After this point, some serious emotional crap started weighing on me.....and I am in no way skilled at separating emotional stuff from bad eating habits.  They go hand in hand for me and have for 20 years.  This is going to require learning new coping skills to replace the bad habit of overeating with a healthier habit that has nothing to do with my eating.  I'm constantly in search of learning these things.....talking to friends, discussing my problem, asking for ideas, reading blogs....I'll let you know when I get it figured out.

I want to get that Importance Level back.  I still have at least 60 lbs to lose...maybe more if I decide to drop my goal weight to a lower point again.  It's not because I think I'm going to have a heart attack next week anymore.  It's just because I'm not happy where I'm at.  I want to be healthier, fitter, able to move about freely without restriction or any pain, able to buy really cute and flattering clothes....heck, maybe even get FLIRTED with.  :)

Then there's perseverance.....consistent effort to get to my goal and not stopping until I reach it.  I've blogged before about you're not failing unless you actually quit.  Give up.  And I've said I'll never give up.  That's true...but at the same time, floundering around, stalling out, hovering at the same weight loss for 3 months isn't doing me any good either.  It's not progress....and I need to move forward.  I need to see losses again.  Good losses.....where you know that some real effort has been put forth. 

I met up with my gym partner and friend, Billie, tonight.  We talked for 2 solid hours about all this junk that's been swirling around in my brain.  I told her I really need to re-group.  I need to work on my attitude.  I need to make this Life and Death again.  I need to persevere and work at it until the goal is met in a decent amount of time.  I also told her that I'm not weighing in this week.  I started my cycle 2 days ago and showed a 5 lb gain today due to the bloating.  Yes, this happens every month.  Yes, I know it's only water weight.  Still....it's a gain on the scale and my psyche just can't handle another one right now.  So I'm not going to report it.  I'm not writing it down on my sidebar.  For the first time on this blog, I'm giving myself permission to skip a weigh-in this Friday.  Does it feel like cheating?  Yep.  Am I still going to do it?  Yep.

Planning and preparation is a huge part of the importance level for me.  If I'm going to get it right, every day, I have to plan ahead.  Flexibility is another one, because we all know what they say about best-laid plans.  So that's what I've been thinking about today and will continue to work on tomorrow.  Menu planning...variety....working around roadblocks like going to my sister's every Monday and Tuesday.

The mental part of these travels really is the toughest part.  It really is.  But nothing worth doing is ever easy....we all know that.  And getting to my goal is going to be soooo worth it.  I can only dream about what that sense of accomplishment will feel like.  And I do dream about it, all the time.  It's really not that far away.  I can be there in 6 months.  When it comes down to it, 60 lbs to lose is not that major.  It's a drop in the bucket compared to some people's journeys.  And it's certainly not something I can't handle.  It irritates me that I keep having to re-locate my blinders.  When I put them back on this time, I'm super-glueing them to my head.

If you're struggling, too, then do what you need to do to get back on track.  Now.  Take a day...look up some recipes, go grocery shopping, plan out your exercise time....re-group.  Do what you need to do to get yourself straight...but do it now.  Time waits on nobody.  Don't let yourself get 6 months down the road, and wish you would have gotten it right, now.  Our goals are too important.  We have to MAKE them important....above all else.  We have to fight for ourselves.  It's up to us.  If your armor fell off....strap it back on.  Get back in the battle.  I'll be down here in the trenches, too.  I won't wait on you....but I'll keep an eye out for you.  Get here as fast as you can.  'Nite friends.  :)  

What's It Like?

I have done great this week with the calorie counting, staying under my limit, drinking tons of water, and getting on the treadmill every single day. But here's the cold, hard truth about it. It's been dang hard this week. It has been a total and complete struggle. I have wanted to eat as much as my big, fat body would possibly hold EVERY day this week. Why? I have no idea. No clue.

I feel like the mental changes are happening slowly. I've definitely made the decision to get the weight off once and for all. I've resisted all temptation and MADE myself do right this week. But it has been a downright, hour-to-hour struggle every single day....some days resulting in really high anxiety levels and stress headaches....all because of wanting to overeat. Insanity.

The reason I haven't overeaten, indulged a little over my limits, or binged is not because I'm awesome. I'm nowhere near awesome, lol. If I were, this would be a breeze. I think the reason I've stayed on track is for one simple, basic reason. I'm desperate. I am truly desperate to stop living as an obese person. Isn't 25 years long enough? I think so. I'm so desperate to know what it's like to live like and be treated like a "normal weight" person. I have dreams that it's incredibly fantastic. What is it like to NOT stand out in a crowd? What is it like to NOT break chairs? What is it like to NOT have to shop for clothes in "fat girl" stores?

What's it like to be considered for a promotion at work based on what you can do and not how much you weigh? What's it like to walk up to someone and know that they're looking in your eyes as you approach and not your jiggling stomach? What's it like to be judged by your thoughtfulness, your intellect, your sense of humor...instead of how many fat rolls you have? I really don't know, but boy do I want to. I want it so bad.

It's still a long ways away. I've still got about 70 lbs to go, and when I look at the whole total still waiting to be lost, it gets pretty daunting. Especially this week. What a struggle it has been! I have to really work at pulling my mind back to where it needs to be on weeks like this. The mental part is WAY harder than the physical part consuming the right number of calories and daily exercise. You all know that.

Someone left me a comment on the "Weight Loss Surgery" post that really struck me. She was talking about a tremendously obese man who had been asked why he wouldn't have the surgery. He said something to the affect that the body's not where the problem is....the problem is with the brain...and there's no lap band for the brain. Amen brother!! He is so, so right. The "trick" to making this a lifetime thing is getting the brain/mind right. That's where the hidden truths lie. I'm glad I'm learning that.

I've read several posts on other people's blog today who are having the same tough week I am. They're really struggling and I'm right there with them. I want to say to all of you that while some days we're reduced to fighting this battle one hour at a time, it is a battle worth fighting. And if we keep fighting, then one day we WILL win. I can't wait til each and every one of us can stand in front of our mirrors on the day we reach our goal weights. We get to say that WE did this....we fought, we bled, we cried, we scraped and clawed....and we WON. Each of us will claim our victory and, praise God, what a day that will be!!

We'll get there....we'll keep trudging through the trenches, pushing through, making the choices that we KNOW will get us to that day of complete freedom from all the misery that this excess weight has brought us. Is everyone geared up and ready for the next leg of this march towards victory? ONWARD!!

Quote For The Day:

"Effort only fully releases its reward after a person refuses to quit." -Napoleon Hill

Sean's Letter

Here's the long post I promised you this morning.

I have a lot to get out...to say....to purge from myself. I usually try my best to write a coherent, well-put-together post, but there's a good chance that tonight's post may come out sounding like jumbled ramblings. However it comes out, I hope that you are able to take something from it that will help you in your travels.

Without getting into details about things other than food, the last couple of days have been pretty rough for me. Regarding the battle with the weight loss...and make no mistake, this is a battle, it's been even rougher.

In order for me to do well with my calorie intake for the day, I really need to stay at home. Indoors. Away from other people's houses....away from the ridiculously numerous restaurants and fast food places. I really start to get in trouble when I'm away from home. I know how ridiculous this sounds. It's absurd, really. I mean, people leave their houses every day...to go to work, to take the kids to school, to run errands, to do extracurricular activities...you can't live like a hermit. Why is it so hard for me to stay on track when I leave my apartment? I really don't know. I ask myself that question every time I venture out. I hate it. I resent it. I wish I could be normal. But this is the way life is for me right now.

Today I had to go to Mom's for a few hours. I knew last night I was going so why I didn't plan better ahead of time is beyond me. I'm getting incredibly low on groceries so my choices are getting really limited. I thawed out some ground turkey breast last night for this morning's breakfast. That was my first mistake of the day....having a big, fat turkey burger for breakfast w/ my 2 cups of coffee. Way too many calories to use up at 6:30am. Secondly, I was at Mom's when lunch time rolled around. Second mistake of the day...I didn't bring any food with me, not that I had a lot to choose from. When I get stuck at someone's house when it's time to eat, it stresses me to no end. At home, I have the lite mayo, I have the whole wheat sandwich thins, I have vegetable soup in the frig. I know all of the calories by heart, and if I don't, I get on the computer right in the next room and look it up on my nutrition website. Having the right foods, planning out stuff, budgeting calories....these are tools to the success of staying on track and not straying. I have none of these when I leave the house. None.

While I was out running errands for Mom, in the uttermost depths of fast food Hell, I decided to go to Publix to get a turkey sub for lunch. I knew about what the calories were....too many when I'd already eaten too many at breakfast, but it was either that, or the Taco Bell, Arby's, Burger King, McDonald's, KFC, Krystals, Wendy's, Captain D's, Chinese or Mexican. I think I made the better choice. While I was there I spotted the buffalo chicken tenders. The fried potato wedges. The mojo wings. I made a bad situation even worse and besides my 6" turkey on whole wheat w/ no mayo and no cheese....I gave into the Mojo wings and got 4 of them.

When I got home from Mom's I was stressed (for a lot of reasons)...one of them being this constant, unrelenting hunger I've been having for the last 2-3 days. I want to say that I don't think it's emotional or stress eating I've wanted to do because of the physicial characteristic of my stomach growling. It's loudly audible. But maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. Can stress and whacked out emotions cause your stomach to growl? I really have no idea. But I've been hungry a LOT lately and with the calorie limit I set for myself at 1550...I can't seem to get a handle on it. It's like I'm just not eating enough.

I hate feeling hungry. It stresses me out, it raises my anxiety level, and I can't seem to concentrate on anything I'm trying to do when my stomach is barking, "FEED ME!!!". When I got home I had a couple of snacks here and there....just trying to make it til dinnertime. That was a long wait. I sat down at the computer right before time to cook dinner and logged every single one of my calories for the day. Now that I had suffered through and made it to dinner time and could finally eat something substantial, I found out I had exactly enough calories left for the day to have 3 oz. of fish. That's it. Nothing else. 3 oz. of fish.

I lost my resolve right then. Gone. Out the door. Poof. I was sick of being hungry and I was going to eat. I thought about how I've made the decision to lose the weight for good this time and there's no turning back. I thought about weigh day being only a day and a half away. I thought about how dilligent I've been at being consistent with my calories this week, and walking/jogging on the treadmill every single day this week since I weighed last Friday...steadily increasing my speed every single day...pushing my body to the absolute max.

Was I fixing to undo all the hard work I had put in this week? Was I fixing to betray my decision to get it right this time? Was I fixing to surrender to the addiction?

Yes I was. Yes, I surely was. Dwayne called me right about that time, said he was coming over in about an hour or so and did I need anything....any food or anything, he asked. Oh I wish he hadn't of specifically asked me if I needed any food. I told him to bring me 3 Krystal's (knowing in my head I was at my limit for the day and was fixing to add another 460 or so calories to it with the Krystal's). He said ok and we hung up.

Did I feel guilty after I cemented the fact that I was going to fail tonight? That I had ordered food and had it on the way? Absolutely I did....the guilt was immediate. Did I feel defeat? Immeasurable defeat. Did I still intend on eating those Krystal's when they got to me? You better believe it.

While waiting on Dwayne, I sat down at the computer to catch up on my favorite blogs. I really wanted to read some more of Sean's archives, http://www.losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com/. He's been fighting, and winning, his battle for over 300 days now and I just haven't had the time to get it all read yet. I randomly selected Day 139. In this post, he referenced something about a letter he'd written on Day 135, and was thanking his followers for their response to it. Curious, I scrolled down to Day 135 and found the letter.

Wow. Someone......Sean.... had written a letter about me. It was like someone had followed me around my entire fat life and chronicled every bad, sad, and cruel "fat" thing that had ever happened to me. Someone knew my pain....I mean really knew it. I was laid bare for the entire world to see. My secrets were out. All the pain I'd been hiding for the better part of 36 years was exposed. He knew it all, and he actually wrote it down for anyone that was interested to see. It brought me to my knees. I sobbed. The flood gates had opened and there was no shutting them. I cried for me. I cried for Sean. I cried for all of us that have been through these same things. I cried at the knowledge that I'm not alone. I cried because someone else had suffered in the same way I had.

Obviously, Sean was writing about his own pain. He was surveying his own scars and chronicling them. It was the most horrible letter that could have ever been written. Horrible, and beautiful.

Why beautiful? Because Sean did something I could never have done. He found a way to find the good in the bad. He took all of the wretched daggers that have been driven into his sweet, sweet heart, and he cast a positive light on them. He took all the bad and found a way to make it sound good. I mean, almost like a blessing. They are the most life-changing words I've ever read, and dare to say will ever read, in my life. Life-changing for me.

I haven't had a chance to talk to Sean yet tonight to ask his permission, but I'm betting that he won't mind if I post that letter here for all of you to read. If you haven't read his blog yet...please, please do. It is so apparent to me that Sean's destiny is to share his story with others, in hopes of guiding them down the road to freedom.

I realize that the letter may not affect some of you at all....some might say, "Aww...how sweet", or maybe some might have the same reaction to it that I did. Some might find it beautiful, just like me. An inspiration. A knowledge that you're not alone...and that no matter HOW hard things get despite your best efforts....it's all going to be worth it one day if we just stay the course. Keep our eyes on our goals and push through the rough times.

Wanna' know what happened to the Krystal's that Dwayne brought me? Let's just say that Momma's going to bed hungry tonight, and my puppy Scarlette will be slipping off into slumber with a full tummy and a content smile on her little puppy lips. :)

A word to Sean.........Sean, I don't even have the words for what you've done for me tonight. Thank you, my friend, for being the open, brutally honest, caring soul that you are. We are simpatico in this battle. We are soldiers. We will defeat the demons. We will win. And the world is a better place because you're in it. Onward.

Here's the letter.....

Dear Morbid Obesity,

Thank you for teaching me how to be compassionate toward others. By making me different and the subject of so much weight related bullying as a kid, you taught me to always care about other peoples feelings. Thank you for making me unique in an age when I was often the only fat kid in class, because it gave me added attention that I may have felt was lacking in other parts of my life. Thank you for giving me a very strong opinion against discrimination in all it's forms. By showing me the pain of being discriminated against based solely on my looks, you taught me to never judge a person based on appearance. Thank you for giving me the defense mechanism of a good sense of humor. Although it was sometimes masking emotional pain, laughter and making others laugh has always carried me through. Thank you for protecting me from every dangerous thing I would have tried had I been able to fit on that ride, or into that harness, or on that horse, or in that sports car, or whatever the dangerous situation could have been, you were there keeping me safe inside your embrace. Thank you for giving me a fashion sense born from complete insecurity. I know you don't give this fashion sense to every morbidly obese person, but it kept me from further ridicule because I never wore things too small, ever. You saved me from the spandex revolution, how can I properly thank you for that? To make me want to wear a big jacket when it was ninety degrees outside just to cover my boy boobs, well I have no choice but to conclude that you must love me more than other fat people, because if I had a dollar for every morbidly obese person I've witnessed in spandex and a shirt three sizes too small, I'd be wealthy. Thank you for giving me the ability to spot shallowness in others. I'll never forget the first time I was completely rejected by a girl who said out loud, in class “eeewwww, I would never go out with you.” She didn't take the time to see the good guy I was inside, to look into my heart and see the eighth grader that would have cherished her and respected her in a most grateful 8th grader way. She was shallow and without you I may not of recognized that side of humanity for many years. Without this “shallowness radar,” I may never have recognized the pure spirit in the eyes and heart of Irene Brake, my high school sweetheart and wife of nearly twenty years. Most of all, thank you for my life. Without you I don't know if my path would have been the same. Would I have my family that I hold so dear? Would I have found a career that felt so perfect for me, a career that allowed me to hide behind a microphone and communicate with people without them being able to see me? Without you, maybe, just maybe I would have become a complete jerk. Thank you for bringing me to this point in my life and keeping me in one piece along the way. But despite the flood of gratitude in this letter, you know your days are numbered here. We can't continue our relationship. Morbid obesity, I'm slowly shrinking out of you. I'm moving on to a life free of all the dangerous effects of our relationship. But I'll never forget all of the wonderful things you taught me, and for that I thank you from the bottom of my overworked heart.

Sincerely,
Sean