I hate people. Lol. Not all people...but a lot of them. There are large parts of society that I disagree with, for several different reasons. One of the reasons being from the political aspect, but weight loss blogging is hardly the venue for me to express my views on that. If I ever start a political blog I think I'll name it "The Rabid Republican". :)
The part of society that has pissed me off this weekend is the part that judges people based on their weight. I said early on in this blog that food addiction is the only one that's not accepted by society. Fat = gross. You can be addicted to 9 different illegal substances and drink enough alcohol in your life to drown a small nation and we'll open our arms and our hearts and put you in the best rehab place we can find, patting you on the back, sympathizing with you while you fight your demons, and praise you for every day you resist temptation. But if you're fat...or better yet, obese....well you're not worth our time, trouble, sympathies or praise.
Yesterday Dwayne and I were moving some stuff to the new house. While driving down the road we were listening to one of our local rock stations on the radio and during a commercial break, the female dj came on and said that she had read something that "really disgusted" her. She read that 2/3 of Americans are obese. "How gross is that?!?!" I immediately felt the sting...embarassed in front of Dwayne, sitting there in all my obesity...and I shot the radio a bird, said out loud, "Oh does that disgust you??? Well maybe you should KILL YOURSELF!!!" I was in defense mode because I was embarassed and ashamed. Not just in front of Dwayne...in front of all of society.
Dwayne said, "Baby...she's a stupid loud-mouth rock station radio dj who probably goes out 5x/week snorting coke and sleeping with everyone she meets. Her opinion doesn't count...don't let it get to you." My response to that is, "Unfortunately, as unimportant as she and her opinions may be, her voice represents a large part of society. She is not alone in her opinions...she just works in a venue where she's able to blast them over the radio waves." And then I got a little teary-eyed.
Dwayne pulled over into a parking lot, we got out of the truck, and he came around and gave me a big hug, holding me and kissing me, called me his "cutie", and told me how he knows I'm working my ass off to get healthy and he's proud of that. He told me to keep my eyes on the goal and to hell with the part of society that doesn't show compassion and feels the need to judge....that I shouldn't give people like that the time of day.
He's right. I shouldn't have given that girl the power to ruin my day or rule my thoughts with negativity. I shouldn't have said maybe she should kill herself....that was over the top. I don't feel bad about shooting her a bird though. She at least deserved that much. I shook it off and Dwayne and I enjoyed the rest of our day together. But still....I will be so glad when who I am is not defined by society by the number on the scale. I am so much more. We all are.
Quote For The Day:
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt
Showing posts with label Fat. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fat. Show all posts
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Saturday, July 18, 2009
I Dropped A Size?? Are You Sure??
First, I want to say thank you to all the wonderfully supportive people who have been leaving comments on my blog. I love, love, love to read them. Please keep them coming!
Secondly, I want to give a warm welcome and hello to all the new followers!! That just gets me so excited and makes me happy to no end. For those of you who haven't started at the beginning of my blog and read all the way through, let me tell you that my travels that I share with you aren't always smooth sailing. Some are happy, silly posts while some are downright depressing, lol. My intent with this blog is to be REAL...the good, the bad and the ugly. I'm glad you decided to tag along for the ride as I do whatever it takes to stay in this battle against Obesity until I've won. :)
Clothes shopping. I absolutely hate it....hate it with a passion. But I had to do some today. It is my intention to reward myself with something for every 15 lb. loss I accomplish. My first thought was Jillian Michaels' book "Master Your Metabolism". If you didn't read my post entitled "Jillian's Jewels of Knowledge" yet, please go back and read it. It's a super long one, but definitely one worth reading. It talks about hormone issues and the right "super foods" to correct them and level them out. I have about 85% of the problems listed in that post, so now I'm all over this whole foods thing, trying to get my body working efficiently instead of working against me.
Anyhoo, Jillian's book is $26 and that was a wee bit pricey for my budget. I'm going out with some friends and my boyfriend Dwayne tomorrow night for "Friend's Night Out". I have been wearing a size 26/28 from my highest point of 340 lbs up until now at 254 lbs. Let me tell ya'....elastic is an amazing thing. As I was telling someone the other day, I wish I was the gazillionaire who thought that stuff up. But at this point, my clothes are getting ridiculously baggy and I wanted to buy a new blouse so I wouldn't show up to meet my friends looking like a hobo. I got a coupon in the mail from Fashion Bug for $10 off a $30 purchase and decided to spend $20 on a top for my reward.
Dwayne called before I headed out the door and I told him my plan. He said, "Damn! You ruined my surprise!" Huh? He said he was going to give me $100 next weekend for my birthday as a gift to buy some new clothes because he's noticed how baggy mine are getting. (Can I just say how nice it is when guys who never notice anything, notice something as important as this?) He told me to go ahead and spend the $100 now out of my moving money (moving to a new place next month), and he'd give it back to me next weekend. Awesome!! Time to shop!!
First of all, clothes stores for fat girls are limited to start with. I've been buying 80-90% of mine at this one store, Fashion Bug, because their prices are about half that of Lane Bryant. Plus they send me coupons. :) I used to shop at the one in Cartersville, but they closed it down last summer...July in fact. So I had to start going to one in Woodstock. Got there today and saw signs all over the windows "STORE CLOSING", "ALL SALES FINAL", "NO COUPONS"....and the store was already half empty of merchandise. Everything had already been picked over and what was left was stuff that not even the LEAST fashion-conscious person would wear, even for a fattie.
Next, I had to think of another fat girl's store. Thinking.....thinking. There's Cato's, but out of the 50x I've been in there, I think I've only bought 2 tops. They have a LOT of sleeveless stuff in the summer, and I do NOT do sleeveless. Oh how I wish I could....it kills me that I can't...but the lower part of my upper arm hangs down ridiculously low. It looks like I have wings....no joke. I bet if I flapped my arms hard enough I could take flight with these babies. Hate 'em. I've always been jealous of those fat girls that have hard, solid fat and can get away with the cute sleeveless shirts. I have that soft, squishy, loose-skin fat....the worst kind. If anyone is close, personal friends with a plastic surgeon who wouldn't mind doing some Pro Bono work....let me know....I'm sure gonna' need it when I reach my goal.
I knew where a Lane Bryant was so I drove over there, cussing all the way. I just HATE paying their prices. In the same parking lot, there was a Kohl's. I've looked in here before and never been able to find my size that looked like something other than what my grandmother would wear. But since they're probably cheaper than Lane Bryant (not by much, it turns out), it was time to give it another shot. I finally found 1 shirt in there and got it. It's a 22/24...major milestone here. I've been in a 26/28 for years and years. I know this sounds weird....stupid, really...but I wanted to pick up the 26/28 so bad. I didn't even want to try on the 22/24 because I was scared it wouldn't fit and then I'd feel stupid for thinking it might fit in the first place. But I held my breath and tried it on. It fit. Weird. Let out my breath and it still fit. I mean, without hugging my fat rolls. If I was one of those people that wore clothes like they were a second skin, I could probably get into an 18/20, but I prefer not to look like my clothes have been painted on, thank you. :)
I ran next door to the Lane Bryant and managed to find 2 more blouses. These were sleeveless so I'll have to wear this little short, white, lightweight sweater that I have to go over just such things. I also found a pair of wine-colored flats that match 2 of the 3 shirts...very cool. So...all in all, the shopping trip went pretty good. I'm actually in a smaller size than I ever thought I'd reach. I seriously think I must have programmed myself to think that a 26/28 was "my size" and would be for the rest of my life. I'm still not entirely comfy with the 22/24. It's almost like I'm scared I'll blow up overnight and it won't fit tomorrow. Like I said, weird. Leave it to me to find something that anyone else would be exhilirated over, like buying smaller clothes, to be downright nerve-racking to me. :)
For those of you who asked me for my ideas for little rewards...I'm first going to copy and paste the ideas Pam gave me today in an email:
The kitchen gadgets are awesome because they will help keep you on track - like a kitchen scale, a mandolin slicer, stuff like that....
Costume jewelery - you can get cute watches and bracelets for less than 15.00 at Target, Cato, Wal Mart....
Go get some stuff from Bath and Body works - work on a set, lotion one time, bath gel the next....
Start a collection of something, then you will always have it to remind you of your journey....it could be salt and pepper shakers, coffee mugs, glasses, plates....
To add to this....it all depends on what your budget is....I would LOVE to have a new pair of running shoes for the treadmill, but can't afford them right now. Something cheaper would be a great book to help you with the weight loss battle....or even one from the genre you prefer if you enjoy a little time to yourself for reading while sipping your tea or coffee. If you still need to go cheaper, the kitchen gadgets are a GREAT idea. I saw something really cute the other day in Ross. It was a heart-shaped utensil (like a cookie-cutter) that you would use in a skillet to pour your scrambled eggs (or egg whites for me), or pancakes into. Adorable. It could signify how much you love yourself for FINALLY getting it right....for saying "NO MORE".....for finally taking control of your weight, your body, your future....what you pick doesn't have to be expensive, but it would be cool to make it something symbolic. :)
I got all of my fresh veggies and melons chopped and put away in the frig for easy use all through the week. Preparedness is so, so important when it comes to eating the right foods. I baked a turkey breast in the oven, brushed with a little olive oil and covered in tasty spices so I can shred it up and use it for sandwiches on my whole wheat wraps. I made a lovely French-style Pork Stew for dinner in the crockpot. Two of my favorite combinations of flavors is rosemary and pork. It's just so fragrant, so aromatic....it was awesome to come home from the shopping trip, open the door, and smell my apartment flooded with such a wonderful aroma. I used a 97% fat free pork tenderloin half, which was 16 oz. of meat. I added the calories for everything in the pot, divided it by 3 for 3 separate svgs (each svg. probably being around 2, 2 1/2 c.) and my dinner was 400 calories. Not bad. I'm staying within my calorie limit and it feels good. :)
I hope all of you have a fantastic weekend. I will be posting each night, but it will most likely be late. I read a wonderful quote on Sean's blog the other day. It said, "We know too much to turn back now". Yes, we surely do. Onward!
Pam provided the quote for tonight....I love it...and you will be seeing more Bible verses intertwined in the inspirational quotes in the future. :)
"Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in Him; and He shall bring it to pass." Psalm 37:5
Secondly, I want to give a warm welcome and hello to all the new followers!! That just gets me so excited and makes me happy to no end. For those of you who haven't started at the beginning of my blog and read all the way through, let me tell you that my travels that I share with you aren't always smooth sailing. Some are happy, silly posts while some are downright depressing, lol. My intent with this blog is to be REAL...the good, the bad and the ugly. I'm glad you decided to tag along for the ride as I do whatever it takes to stay in this battle against Obesity until I've won. :)
Clothes shopping. I absolutely hate it....hate it with a passion. But I had to do some today. It is my intention to reward myself with something for every 15 lb. loss I accomplish. My first thought was Jillian Michaels' book "Master Your Metabolism". If you didn't read my post entitled "Jillian's Jewels of Knowledge" yet, please go back and read it. It's a super long one, but definitely one worth reading. It talks about hormone issues and the right "super foods" to correct them and level them out. I have about 85% of the problems listed in that post, so now I'm all over this whole foods thing, trying to get my body working efficiently instead of working against me.
Anyhoo, Jillian's book is $26 and that was a wee bit pricey for my budget. I'm going out with some friends and my boyfriend Dwayne tomorrow night for "Friend's Night Out". I have been wearing a size 26/28 from my highest point of 340 lbs up until now at 254 lbs. Let me tell ya'....elastic is an amazing thing. As I was telling someone the other day, I wish I was the gazillionaire who thought that stuff up. But at this point, my clothes are getting ridiculously baggy and I wanted to buy a new blouse so I wouldn't show up to meet my friends looking like a hobo. I got a coupon in the mail from Fashion Bug for $10 off a $30 purchase and decided to spend $20 on a top for my reward.
Dwayne called before I headed out the door and I told him my plan. He said, "Damn! You ruined my surprise!" Huh? He said he was going to give me $100 next weekend for my birthday as a gift to buy some new clothes because he's noticed how baggy mine are getting. (Can I just say how nice it is when guys who never notice anything, notice something as important as this?) He told me to go ahead and spend the $100 now out of my moving money (moving to a new place next month), and he'd give it back to me next weekend. Awesome!! Time to shop!!
First of all, clothes stores for fat girls are limited to start with. I've been buying 80-90% of mine at this one store, Fashion Bug, because their prices are about half that of Lane Bryant. Plus they send me coupons. :) I used to shop at the one in Cartersville, but they closed it down last summer...July in fact. So I had to start going to one in Woodstock. Got there today and saw signs all over the windows "STORE CLOSING", "ALL SALES FINAL", "NO COUPONS"....and the store was already half empty of merchandise. Everything had already been picked over and what was left was stuff that not even the LEAST fashion-conscious person would wear, even for a fattie.
Next, I had to think of another fat girl's store. Thinking.....thinking. There's Cato's, but out of the 50x I've been in there, I think I've only bought 2 tops. They have a LOT of sleeveless stuff in the summer, and I do NOT do sleeveless. Oh how I wish I could....it kills me that I can't...but the lower part of my upper arm hangs down ridiculously low. It looks like I have wings....no joke. I bet if I flapped my arms hard enough I could take flight with these babies. Hate 'em. I've always been jealous of those fat girls that have hard, solid fat and can get away with the cute sleeveless shirts. I have that soft, squishy, loose-skin fat....the worst kind. If anyone is close, personal friends with a plastic surgeon who wouldn't mind doing some Pro Bono work....let me know....I'm sure gonna' need it when I reach my goal.
I knew where a Lane Bryant was so I drove over there, cussing all the way. I just HATE paying their prices. In the same parking lot, there was a Kohl's. I've looked in here before and never been able to find my size that looked like something other than what my grandmother would wear. But since they're probably cheaper than Lane Bryant (not by much, it turns out), it was time to give it another shot. I finally found 1 shirt in there and got it. It's a 22/24...major milestone here. I've been in a 26/28 for years and years. I know this sounds weird....stupid, really...but I wanted to pick up the 26/28 so bad. I didn't even want to try on the 22/24 because I was scared it wouldn't fit and then I'd feel stupid for thinking it might fit in the first place. But I held my breath and tried it on. It fit. Weird. Let out my breath and it still fit. I mean, without hugging my fat rolls. If I was one of those people that wore clothes like they were a second skin, I could probably get into an 18/20, but I prefer not to look like my clothes have been painted on, thank you. :)
I ran next door to the Lane Bryant and managed to find 2 more blouses. These were sleeveless so I'll have to wear this little short, white, lightweight sweater that I have to go over just such things. I also found a pair of wine-colored flats that match 2 of the 3 shirts...very cool. So...all in all, the shopping trip went pretty good. I'm actually in a smaller size than I ever thought I'd reach. I seriously think I must have programmed myself to think that a 26/28 was "my size" and would be for the rest of my life. I'm still not entirely comfy with the 22/24. It's almost like I'm scared I'll blow up overnight and it won't fit tomorrow. Like I said, weird. Leave it to me to find something that anyone else would be exhilirated over, like buying smaller clothes, to be downright nerve-racking to me. :)
For those of you who asked me for my ideas for little rewards...I'm first going to copy and paste the ideas Pam gave me today in an email:
The kitchen gadgets are awesome because they will help keep you on track - like a kitchen scale, a mandolin slicer, stuff like that....
Costume jewelery - you can get cute watches and bracelets for less than 15.00 at Target, Cato, Wal Mart....
Go get some stuff from Bath and Body works - work on a set, lotion one time, bath gel the next....
Start a collection of something, then you will always have it to remind you of your journey....it could be salt and pepper shakers, coffee mugs, glasses, plates....
To add to this....it all depends on what your budget is....I would LOVE to have a new pair of running shoes for the treadmill, but can't afford them right now. Something cheaper would be a great book to help you with the weight loss battle....or even one from the genre you prefer if you enjoy a little time to yourself for reading while sipping your tea or coffee. If you still need to go cheaper, the kitchen gadgets are a GREAT idea. I saw something really cute the other day in Ross. It was a heart-shaped utensil (like a cookie-cutter) that you would use in a skillet to pour your scrambled eggs (or egg whites for me), or pancakes into. Adorable. It could signify how much you love yourself for FINALLY getting it right....for saying "NO MORE".....for finally taking control of your weight, your body, your future....what you pick doesn't have to be expensive, but it would be cool to make it something symbolic. :)
I got all of my fresh veggies and melons chopped and put away in the frig for easy use all through the week. Preparedness is so, so important when it comes to eating the right foods. I baked a turkey breast in the oven, brushed with a little olive oil and covered in tasty spices so I can shred it up and use it for sandwiches on my whole wheat wraps. I made a lovely French-style Pork Stew for dinner in the crockpot. Two of my favorite combinations of flavors is rosemary and pork. It's just so fragrant, so aromatic....it was awesome to come home from the shopping trip, open the door, and smell my apartment flooded with such a wonderful aroma. I used a 97% fat free pork tenderloin half, which was 16 oz. of meat. I added the calories for everything in the pot, divided it by 3 for 3 separate svgs (each svg. probably being around 2, 2 1/2 c.) and my dinner was 400 calories. Not bad. I'm staying within my calorie limit and it feels good. :)
I hope all of you have a fantastic weekend. I will be posting each night, but it will most likely be late. I read a wonderful quote on Sean's blog the other day. It said, "We know too much to turn back now". Yes, we surely do. Onward!
Pam provided the quote for tonight....I love it...and you will be seeing more Bible verses intertwined in the inspirational quotes in the future. :)
"Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in Him; and He shall bring it to pass." Psalm 37:5
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Sean's Letter
Here's the long post I promised you this morning.
I have a lot to get out...to say....to purge from myself. I usually try my best to write a coherent, well-put-together post, but there's a good chance that tonight's post may come out sounding like jumbled ramblings. However it comes out, I hope that you are able to take something from it that will help you in your travels.
Without getting into details about things other than food, the last couple of days have been pretty rough for me. Regarding the battle with the weight loss...and make no mistake, this is a battle, it's been even rougher.
In order for me to do well with my calorie intake for the day, I really need to stay at home. Indoors. Away from other people's houses....away from the ridiculously numerous restaurants and fast food places. I really start to get in trouble when I'm away from home. I know how ridiculous this sounds. It's absurd, really. I mean, people leave their houses every day...to go to work, to take the kids to school, to run errands, to do extracurricular activities...you can't live like a hermit. Why is it so hard for me to stay on track when I leave my apartment? I really don't know. I ask myself that question every time I venture out. I hate it. I resent it. I wish I could be normal. But this is the way life is for me right now.
Today I had to go to Mom's for a few hours. I knew last night I was going so why I didn't plan better ahead of time is beyond me. I'm getting incredibly low on groceries so my choices are getting really limited. I thawed out some ground turkey breast last night for this morning's breakfast. That was my first mistake of the day....having a big, fat turkey burger for breakfast w/ my 2 cups of coffee. Way too many calories to use up at 6:30am. Secondly, I was at Mom's when lunch time rolled around. Second mistake of the day...I didn't bring any food with me, not that I had a lot to choose from. When I get stuck at someone's house when it's time to eat, it stresses me to no end. At home, I have the lite mayo, I have the whole wheat sandwich thins, I have vegetable soup in the frig. I know all of the calories by heart, and if I don't, I get on the computer right in the next room and look it up on my nutrition website. Having the right foods, planning out stuff, budgeting calories....these are tools to the success of staying on track and not straying. I have none of these when I leave the house. None.
While I was out running errands for Mom, in the uttermost depths of fast food Hell, I decided to go to Publix to get a turkey sub for lunch. I knew about what the calories were....too many when I'd already eaten too many at breakfast, but it was either that, or the Taco Bell, Arby's, Burger King, McDonald's, KFC, Krystals, Wendy's, Captain D's, Chinese or Mexican. I think I made the better choice. While I was there I spotted the buffalo chicken tenders. The fried potato wedges. The mojo wings. I made a bad situation even worse and besides my 6" turkey on whole wheat w/ no mayo and no cheese....I gave into the Mojo wings and got 4 of them.
When I got home from Mom's I was stressed (for a lot of reasons)...one of them being this constant, unrelenting hunger I've been having for the last 2-3 days. I want to say that I don't think it's emotional or stress eating I've wanted to do because of the physicial characteristic of my stomach growling. It's loudly audible. But maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. Can stress and whacked out emotions cause your stomach to growl? I really have no idea. But I've been hungry a LOT lately and with the calorie limit I set for myself at 1550...I can't seem to get a handle on it. It's like I'm just not eating enough.
I hate feeling hungry. It stresses me out, it raises my anxiety level, and I can't seem to concentrate on anything I'm trying to do when my stomach is barking, "FEED ME!!!". When I got home I had a couple of snacks here and there....just trying to make it til dinnertime. That was a long wait. I sat down at the computer right before time to cook dinner and logged every single one of my calories for the day. Now that I had suffered through and made it to dinner time and could finally eat something substantial, I found out I had exactly enough calories left for the day to have 3 oz. of fish. That's it. Nothing else. 3 oz. of fish.
I lost my resolve right then. Gone. Out the door. Poof. I was sick of being hungry and I was going to eat. I thought about how I've made the decision to lose the weight for good this time and there's no turning back. I thought about weigh day being only a day and a half away. I thought about how dilligent I've been at being consistent with my calories this week, and walking/jogging on the treadmill every single day this week since I weighed last Friday...steadily increasing my speed every single day...pushing my body to the absolute max.
Was I fixing to undo all the hard work I had put in this week? Was I fixing to betray my decision to get it right this time? Was I fixing to surrender to the addiction?
Yes I was. Yes, I surely was. Dwayne called me right about that time, said he was coming over in about an hour or so and did I need anything....any food or anything, he asked. Oh I wish he hadn't of specifically asked me if I needed any food. I told him to bring me 3 Krystal's (knowing in my head I was at my limit for the day and was fixing to add another 460 or so calories to it with the Krystal's). He said ok and we hung up.
Did I feel guilty after I cemented the fact that I was going to fail tonight? That I had ordered food and had it on the way? Absolutely I did....the guilt was immediate. Did I feel defeat? Immeasurable defeat. Did I still intend on eating those Krystal's when they got to me? You better believe it.
While waiting on Dwayne, I sat down at the computer to catch up on my favorite blogs. I really wanted to read some more of Sean's archives, http://www.losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com/. He's been fighting, and winning, his battle for over 300 days now and I just haven't had the time to get it all read yet. I randomly selected Day 139. In this post, he referenced something about a letter he'd written on Day 135, and was thanking his followers for their response to it. Curious, I scrolled down to Day 135 and found the letter.
Wow. Someone......Sean.... had written a letter about me. It was like someone had followed me around my entire fat life and chronicled every bad, sad, and cruel "fat" thing that had ever happened to me. Someone knew my pain....I mean really knew it. I was laid bare for the entire world to see. My secrets were out. All the pain I'd been hiding for the better part of 36 years was exposed. He knew it all, and he actually wrote it down for anyone that was interested to see. It brought me to my knees. I sobbed. The flood gates had opened and there was no shutting them. I cried for me. I cried for Sean. I cried for all of us that have been through these same things. I cried at the knowledge that I'm not alone. I cried because someone else had suffered in the same way I had.
Obviously, Sean was writing about his own pain. He was surveying his own scars and chronicling them. It was the most horrible letter that could have ever been written. Horrible, and beautiful.
Why beautiful? Because Sean did something I could never have done. He found a way to find the good in the bad. He took all of the wretched daggers that have been driven into his sweet, sweet heart, and he cast a positive light on them. He took all the bad and found a way to make it sound good. I mean, almost like a blessing. They are the most life-changing words I've ever read, and dare to say will ever read, in my life. Life-changing for me.
I haven't had a chance to talk to Sean yet tonight to ask his permission, but I'm betting that he won't mind if I post that letter here for all of you to read. If you haven't read his blog yet...please, please do. It is so apparent to me that Sean's destiny is to share his story with others, in hopes of guiding them down the road to freedom.
I realize that the letter may not affect some of you at all....some might say, "Aww...how sweet", or maybe some might have the same reaction to it that I did. Some might find it beautiful, just like me. An inspiration. A knowledge that you're not alone...and that no matter HOW hard things get despite your best efforts....it's all going to be worth it one day if we just stay the course. Keep our eyes on our goals and push through the rough times.
Wanna' know what happened to the Krystal's that Dwayne brought me? Let's just say that Momma's going to bed hungry tonight, and my puppy Scarlette will be slipping off into slumber with a full tummy and a content smile on her little puppy lips. :)
A word to Sean.........Sean, I don't even have the words for what you've done for me tonight. Thank you, my friend, for being the open, brutally honest, caring soul that you are. We are simpatico in this battle. We are soldiers. We will defeat the demons. We will win. And the world is a better place because you're in it. Onward.
Here's the letter.....
Dear Morbid Obesity,
Thank you for teaching me how to be compassionate toward others. By making me different and the subject of so much weight related bullying as a kid, you taught me to always care about other peoples feelings. Thank you for making me unique in an age when I was often the only fat kid in class, because it gave me added attention that I may have felt was lacking in other parts of my life. Thank you for giving me a very strong opinion against discrimination in all it's forms. By showing me the pain of being discriminated against based solely on my looks, you taught me to never judge a person based on appearance. Thank you for giving me the defense mechanism of a good sense of humor. Although it was sometimes masking emotional pain, laughter and making others laugh has always carried me through. Thank you for protecting me from every dangerous thing I would have tried had I been able to fit on that ride, or into that harness, or on that horse, or in that sports car, or whatever the dangerous situation could have been, you were there keeping me safe inside your embrace. Thank you for giving me a fashion sense born from complete insecurity. I know you don't give this fashion sense to every morbidly obese person, but it kept me from further ridicule because I never wore things too small, ever. You saved me from the spandex revolution, how can I properly thank you for that? To make me want to wear a big jacket when it was ninety degrees outside just to cover my boy boobs, well I have no choice but to conclude that you must love me more than other fat people, because if I had a dollar for every morbidly obese person I've witnessed in spandex and a shirt three sizes too small, I'd be wealthy. Thank you for giving me the ability to spot shallowness in others. I'll never forget the first time I was completely rejected by a girl who said out loud, in class “eeewwww, I would never go out with you.” She didn't take the time to see the good guy I was inside, to look into my heart and see the eighth grader that would have cherished her and respected her in a most grateful 8th grader way. She was shallow and without you I may not of recognized that side of humanity for many years. Without this “shallowness radar,” I may never have recognized the pure spirit in the eyes and heart of Irene Brake, my high school sweetheart and wife of nearly twenty years. Most of all, thank you for my life. Without you I don't know if my path would have been the same. Would I have my family that I hold so dear? Would I have found a career that felt so perfect for me, a career that allowed me to hide behind a microphone and communicate with people without them being able to see me? Without you, maybe, just maybe I would have become a complete jerk. Thank you for bringing me to this point in my life and keeping me in one piece along the way. But despite the flood of gratitude in this letter, you know your days are numbered here. We can't continue our relationship. Morbid obesity, I'm slowly shrinking out of you. I'm moving on to a life free of all the dangerous effects of our relationship. But I'll never forget all of the wonderful things you taught me, and for that I thank you from the bottom of my overworked heart.
Sincerely,
Sean
I have a lot to get out...to say....to purge from myself. I usually try my best to write a coherent, well-put-together post, but there's a good chance that tonight's post may come out sounding like jumbled ramblings. However it comes out, I hope that you are able to take something from it that will help you in your travels.
Without getting into details about things other than food, the last couple of days have been pretty rough for me. Regarding the battle with the weight loss...and make no mistake, this is a battle, it's been even rougher.
In order for me to do well with my calorie intake for the day, I really need to stay at home. Indoors. Away from other people's houses....away from the ridiculously numerous restaurants and fast food places. I really start to get in trouble when I'm away from home. I know how ridiculous this sounds. It's absurd, really. I mean, people leave their houses every day...to go to work, to take the kids to school, to run errands, to do extracurricular activities...you can't live like a hermit. Why is it so hard for me to stay on track when I leave my apartment? I really don't know. I ask myself that question every time I venture out. I hate it. I resent it. I wish I could be normal. But this is the way life is for me right now.
Today I had to go to Mom's for a few hours. I knew last night I was going so why I didn't plan better ahead of time is beyond me. I'm getting incredibly low on groceries so my choices are getting really limited. I thawed out some ground turkey breast last night for this morning's breakfast. That was my first mistake of the day....having a big, fat turkey burger for breakfast w/ my 2 cups of coffee. Way too many calories to use up at 6:30am. Secondly, I was at Mom's when lunch time rolled around. Second mistake of the day...I didn't bring any food with me, not that I had a lot to choose from. When I get stuck at someone's house when it's time to eat, it stresses me to no end. At home, I have the lite mayo, I have the whole wheat sandwich thins, I have vegetable soup in the frig. I know all of the calories by heart, and if I don't, I get on the computer right in the next room and look it up on my nutrition website. Having the right foods, planning out stuff, budgeting calories....these are tools to the success of staying on track and not straying. I have none of these when I leave the house. None.
While I was out running errands for Mom, in the uttermost depths of fast food Hell, I decided to go to Publix to get a turkey sub for lunch. I knew about what the calories were....too many when I'd already eaten too many at breakfast, but it was either that, or the Taco Bell, Arby's, Burger King, McDonald's, KFC, Krystals, Wendy's, Captain D's, Chinese or Mexican. I think I made the better choice. While I was there I spotted the buffalo chicken tenders. The fried potato wedges. The mojo wings. I made a bad situation even worse and besides my 6" turkey on whole wheat w/ no mayo and no cheese....I gave into the Mojo wings and got 4 of them.
When I got home from Mom's I was stressed (for a lot of reasons)...one of them being this constant, unrelenting hunger I've been having for the last 2-3 days. I want to say that I don't think it's emotional or stress eating I've wanted to do because of the physicial characteristic of my stomach growling. It's loudly audible. But maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. Can stress and whacked out emotions cause your stomach to growl? I really have no idea. But I've been hungry a LOT lately and with the calorie limit I set for myself at 1550...I can't seem to get a handle on it. It's like I'm just not eating enough.
I hate feeling hungry. It stresses me out, it raises my anxiety level, and I can't seem to concentrate on anything I'm trying to do when my stomach is barking, "FEED ME!!!". When I got home I had a couple of snacks here and there....just trying to make it til dinnertime. That was a long wait. I sat down at the computer right before time to cook dinner and logged every single one of my calories for the day. Now that I had suffered through and made it to dinner time and could finally eat something substantial, I found out I had exactly enough calories left for the day to have 3 oz. of fish. That's it. Nothing else. 3 oz. of fish.
I lost my resolve right then. Gone. Out the door. Poof. I was sick of being hungry and I was going to eat. I thought about how I've made the decision to lose the weight for good this time and there's no turning back. I thought about weigh day being only a day and a half away. I thought about how dilligent I've been at being consistent with my calories this week, and walking/jogging on the treadmill every single day this week since I weighed last Friday...steadily increasing my speed every single day...pushing my body to the absolute max.
Was I fixing to undo all the hard work I had put in this week? Was I fixing to betray my decision to get it right this time? Was I fixing to surrender to the addiction?
Yes I was. Yes, I surely was. Dwayne called me right about that time, said he was coming over in about an hour or so and did I need anything....any food or anything, he asked. Oh I wish he hadn't of specifically asked me if I needed any food. I told him to bring me 3 Krystal's (knowing in my head I was at my limit for the day and was fixing to add another 460 or so calories to it with the Krystal's). He said ok and we hung up.
Did I feel guilty after I cemented the fact that I was going to fail tonight? That I had ordered food and had it on the way? Absolutely I did....the guilt was immediate. Did I feel defeat? Immeasurable defeat. Did I still intend on eating those Krystal's when they got to me? You better believe it.
While waiting on Dwayne, I sat down at the computer to catch up on my favorite blogs. I really wanted to read some more of Sean's archives, http://www.losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com/. He's been fighting, and winning, his battle for over 300 days now and I just haven't had the time to get it all read yet. I randomly selected Day 139. In this post, he referenced something about a letter he'd written on Day 135, and was thanking his followers for their response to it. Curious, I scrolled down to Day 135 and found the letter.
Wow. Someone......Sean.... had written a letter about me. It was like someone had followed me around my entire fat life and chronicled every bad, sad, and cruel "fat" thing that had ever happened to me. Someone knew my pain....I mean really knew it. I was laid bare for the entire world to see. My secrets were out. All the pain I'd been hiding for the better part of 36 years was exposed. He knew it all, and he actually wrote it down for anyone that was interested to see. It brought me to my knees. I sobbed. The flood gates had opened and there was no shutting them. I cried for me. I cried for Sean. I cried for all of us that have been through these same things. I cried at the knowledge that I'm not alone. I cried because someone else had suffered in the same way I had.
Obviously, Sean was writing about his own pain. He was surveying his own scars and chronicling them. It was the most horrible letter that could have ever been written. Horrible, and beautiful.
Why beautiful? Because Sean did something I could never have done. He found a way to find the good in the bad. He took all of the wretched daggers that have been driven into his sweet, sweet heart, and he cast a positive light on them. He took all the bad and found a way to make it sound good. I mean, almost like a blessing. They are the most life-changing words I've ever read, and dare to say will ever read, in my life. Life-changing for me.
I haven't had a chance to talk to Sean yet tonight to ask his permission, but I'm betting that he won't mind if I post that letter here for all of you to read. If you haven't read his blog yet...please, please do. It is so apparent to me that Sean's destiny is to share his story with others, in hopes of guiding them down the road to freedom.
I realize that the letter may not affect some of you at all....some might say, "Aww...how sweet", or maybe some might have the same reaction to it that I did. Some might find it beautiful, just like me. An inspiration. A knowledge that you're not alone...and that no matter HOW hard things get despite your best efforts....it's all going to be worth it one day if we just stay the course. Keep our eyes on our goals and push through the rough times.
Wanna' know what happened to the Krystal's that Dwayne brought me? Let's just say that Momma's going to bed hungry tonight, and my puppy Scarlette will be slipping off into slumber with a full tummy and a content smile on her little puppy lips. :)
A word to Sean.........Sean, I don't even have the words for what you've done for me tonight. Thank you, my friend, for being the open, brutally honest, caring soul that you are. We are simpatico in this battle. We are soldiers. We will defeat the demons. We will win. And the world is a better place because you're in it. Onward.
Here's the letter.....
Dear Morbid Obesity,
Thank you for teaching me how to be compassionate toward others. By making me different and the subject of so much weight related bullying as a kid, you taught me to always care about other peoples feelings. Thank you for making me unique in an age when I was often the only fat kid in class, because it gave me added attention that I may have felt was lacking in other parts of my life. Thank you for giving me a very strong opinion against discrimination in all it's forms. By showing me the pain of being discriminated against based solely on my looks, you taught me to never judge a person based on appearance. Thank you for giving me the defense mechanism of a good sense of humor. Although it was sometimes masking emotional pain, laughter and making others laugh has always carried me through. Thank you for protecting me from every dangerous thing I would have tried had I been able to fit on that ride, or into that harness, or on that horse, or in that sports car, or whatever the dangerous situation could have been, you were there keeping me safe inside your embrace. Thank you for giving me a fashion sense born from complete insecurity. I know you don't give this fashion sense to every morbidly obese person, but it kept me from further ridicule because I never wore things too small, ever. You saved me from the spandex revolution, how can I properly thank you for that? To make me want to wear a big jacket when it was ninety degrees outside just to cover my boy boobs, well I have no choice but to conclude that you must love me more than other fat people, because if I had a dollar for every morbidly obese person I've witnessed in spandex and a shirt three sizes too small, I'd be wealthy. Thank you for giving me the ability to spot shallowness in others. I'll never forget the first time I was completely rejected by a girl who said out loud, in class “eeewwww, I would never go out with you.” She didn't take the time to see the good guy I was inside, to look into my heart and see the eighth grader that would have cherished her and respected her in a most grateful 8th grader way. She was shallow and without you I may not of recognized that side of humanity for many years. Without this “shallowness radar,” I may never have recognized the pure spirit in the eyes and heart of Irene Brake, my high school sweetheart and wife of nearly twenty years. Most of all, thank you for my life. Without you I don't know if my path would have been the same. Would I have my family that I hold so dear? Would I have found a career that felt so perfect for me, a career that allowed me to hide behind a microphone and communicate with people without them being able to see me? Without you, maybe, just maybe I would have become a complete jerk. Thank you for bringing me to this point in my life and keeping me in one piece along the way. But despite the flood of gratitude in this letter, you know your days are numbered here. We can't continue our relationship. Morbid obesity, I'm slowly shrinking out of you. I'm moving on to a life free of all the dangerous effects of our relationship. But I'll never forget all of the wonderful things you taught me, and for that I thank you from the bottom of my overworked heart.
Sincerely,
Sean
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Going For The Gold!!!
Today has been A-W-E-S-O-M-E!! By now everyone knows that this morning's weigh-in was a bust. I gained 1.6 lbs. on the 4th week. Only 4 weeks into it and I've already got a gain. I could look at it like that.
I choose to look at it like this.....I knew yesterday it was going to be bad so I got busy trying to figure out how to do better. I took advice from people who have "been there, done that" as well as advice from a friend who's a registered nurse, pondered all of it, and developed a plan to make this week better. Of course, I have no way of knowing how it will work out until next weigh day. Truth be told, I could still be doing some things wrong. That's not the point. The point is, I'm doing my best to be proactive in losing the weight, trying new things to see what works for me because everyone's different, and I'm learning as I go. As long as I'm open to continuously learning, helpful criticism, and willing to do "whatever it takes" (as Dad so wisely told me this morning), then I can only get better.
I left out early this morning to meet my two sisters, Brandy and Amy, and my adorable little nieces and nephews....Grace and Carla, age 4, Elijah, age 2 1/2 and Cyress, age 2. We took the babies to a farm in Cartersville so they could feed and pet the animals. I just can't tell you how much I enjoyed it. Yes, the kids drive me nuts when they're all in the same house running around playing and screaming and "being kids" (much of this due to the fact that I don't have any children of my own and am just not used to the chaos). But when we're out and about, actually doing something that they enjoy and that holds their attention....well it's just the coolest thing in the world to be a part of.
There were lots of animals for the kids to interact with and the guy showing us around the farm was extremely knowledgeable on all of them. I tipped him $10 for taking the time to educate us and for his patience with the kids. He made the trip a pleasure. We got to see camels (including a baby one), a young cow that the kids got to walk right up to and pet...he wasn't fenced in, he just freely roams around the farm, some beautiful peacocks, a porcupine, tortoises, baby kangaroos, cockatiels, macaws, donkeys, horses, goats (including one that was only a week old and the most adorable thing you've ever seen), ostriches, emus, the biggest bull I've ever seen in my life who just happened to be named Buttercup, a Mexican bull that had a rack like a Texas longhorn, and zebras. Very, very cool. The kids had a great time, they got to feed and pet most of the animals w/ the exception of the bulls, and they asked if we would bring them back again. Of course we will!!
Brandy had told me the night before that we were going to swing thru McDonald's for breakfast on our way to the farm. I was prepared and ate my breakfast casserole this morning before I left...183 calories. Of course when we pulled thru, I could smell those Egg McMuffins. I've mentioned before that my sense of smell is my biggest saboteur when it comes to food. But I held strong and resisted the temptation. After we left the farm, I knew we'd be going to lunch, but didn't know where. I wasn't too worried about it because my sister Brandy is very conscious of her weight and never varies more than 5 lbs. She is 6' tall and weighs 155 lbs. She's a stick and she loves it. She's got a couple of fast food places that she goes to when she's out and about because she's got the calories memorized on the things she eats there. One of the big ones is Chic-fil-A. I figured wherever we ended up, I'd just follow her lead and be okay.
Boy was I wrong. They decided they wanted Mexican!! Crap. Driving on home and skipping the restaurant wasn't an option because I was riding with my sister Amy. My car was back at Mom's house. I was so screwed, lol. I could smell those fajitas from 5 miles away. Here we go, I thought. We got there and I surveyed the menu. It's so hard to eat in a restaurant and calorie count when you haven't had a chance to check a nutrition guide online ahead of time. Los Reyes doesn't even have one, but we ended up at El Nopal. And then there's always the dreaded sodium that there's just no escaping. I didn't want to make my sisters uncomfortable by not ordering anything at all, so I got a glass of water and 1 chicken soft taco, which by the way, was half the size of the ones at Los Reyes, so that was a good thing. It had maybe 3 oz of chicken in it w/ tomatoes and onions...I said no to the shredded cheese and only got lettuce on it. Cost me $2.14. I think that was the cheapest lunch I've ever had in my life.
I white-knuckled the table while the rest of the family members gobbled down their fajitas, cheese dip, and chips and salsa. Oh the smell....I was in Mexican Heaven....or Hell...however you want to look at it. I am not exaggerating when I tell you that I had to physically restrain my arm from reaching into that chip bowl no less than 25 times during the course of our lunch. What a habit it is to eat those free chips and salsa! You don't even think about it....your hand just automatically reaches for those greasy, crispy, salty treats. I didn't eat a single one. Not even a crumb. I didn't touch the cheese dip. I didn't eat any of the fajitas that Amy didn't finish. I ate my 3-bite taco, sucked the bottom out of my water glass, and prayed for them to hurry the hell up so we could get out of there.
All that soft taco did was whet my appetite. My stomach wasn't growling when we first got to the restaurant, but it sure was raising a ruckus when we left. I finally made it back to my car and straight home to make another taco. I had made my own version of chicken soft tacos the night before and still had some left over. It was so good....totally worth the wait. I'm glad I made it through the restaurant ordeal.
I did some chores around the house and when it was time to cook dinner I sauteed some baby scallops (found them on sale for $3.99/lb!) with some broccoli, onions, mushrooms, and red and green bell peppers. I threw in some garlic, ginger, adobo, red pepper flakes and low sodium soy sauce. FABULOUS meal. Just fabulous. And less than 300 calories. As good as it tasted, it wasn't very filling, so I ended up making a ham wrap later. I still had too many calories left over and I was serious about not going under 1350, so I ate stuff here and there until I got pretty close to the 1550 mark.
I went down and got on the treadmill like I said I was going to start doing EVERY day. The daily requirement is now 20 minutes until I build up some endurance. I was already dying at 15-16 mins to do the mile I was doing. Apparently I didnt' know what death was, lol. I walked at a speed of 4.0 for the first 17 mins and then dropped the speed down to 3.5 for the last 3 minutes. At the 20 min marker I had walked 1.3 miles and I fell off the machine. Oh! By the way, when I first got in the fitness room I got on our elliptical machine for the first time. I attempted it. I lasted 1 minute, lol. I truly don't think I'll be on that thing agan for at least the next 50 lbs. It hurts your thigh muscles just to stand on it....before you even start using it. While I was fooling around with it, thinking in my head "never again", a pretty fit-looking guy came in the fitness room. I immediately asked him if he wanted the elliptical so I could get off of it and make it look like I was just being nice....not that it was killing me. He said, "Are you kidding me? I hate that thing. It's a b*tch!" Yeah, no kidding.
The calorie counting website that I use has a fitness section that I perused for the first time tonight. I found a place to enter in "walking on treadmill". It offered different times for different amounts of miles. I chose the "1 mile in 15 mins" option, thinking that doing 1.3 mi in 20 mins would be pretty darn accurate. It said I burned 209 calories!! GO SKINNY TAMMY!! I also got in the kitchen and chopped up a ton of veggies. I soooo didn't feel like it. I was tired and sore after the treadmill, sweating like a pig, and ready to call it a day. But I said I was going to do it today so I knew I needed to. I argued with myself first (I do this a lot):
Go chop up the veggies.
I don't feel like it tonight.
You laid out a plan yesterday. You've gotta' stick to it.
I'm just so tired tonight.
That's your excuse every night. This will assist you each night for the rest of the week.
Can't you see I just burned a whopping 209 calories on the treadmill?!?!
Good for you. Now get busy.
Have I ever told you how much I hate you?
Several times in the last 4 weeks, but I'm also the reason you exceeded your 10 lb. monthly goal with a 12 lb. loss. Now get in there and start chopping...Porkchop Girl.
Touche :)
Goal Stats:
Calories 1550
Carbs 250
Fat 60
Protein 136
Calories 1528
Carbs 80
Fat 53
Protein 183
Here's my food intake for the day:
Breakfast casserole (see yesterday's post for ingredients)
1 c. coffee w/ sugar-free creamer
1 El Nopal chicken soft taco with lettuce, no cheese
1 homemade chicken soft taco w/ lettuce on wheat tortilla
Scallop stir fry
Ham wrap on wheat tortilla w/ lettuce, tomatoes, onions, lite mayo, lite Italian dressing
Bowl of chicken stew (5 oz chicken, tomatoes, onions, datil pepper)
1 pc. Russell Stover Sugar-free 60% cacoa dark chocolate
Lots of water
1 protein water....NO TEA....NO COKE :)
One final thought....I know you're all just DYING for this long-winded post to end. :) Several years ago during one of the Olympic games Nike put out a commercial. It is my favorite commercial of all time. It had one statement written on the screen that said, "You don't win silver, you lose gold." WOW. DOUBLE WOW. Oh the fallout that was going to come from that one. They had stepped in it big time. Needless to say, all of the silver medalists had a global freak-out and I watched the news like a hawk over the next couple of days to see what Nike's response was going to be. I figured they would buckle under the pressure and fall all over themselves apologizing. They didn't.
They put out a statement saying that while the silver medalists had made outstanding achievements and should be proud of what they had attained, Nike holds themselves to a standard of the highest excellence, one that the gold medal represents, and they would continue to do so. Awesome. Let me just say that there's nothing wrong with going for the gold, for wanting to be the absolute best you can be and working hard to reach it. The world is full of mediocrity and good intentions. Be different! Set your goal to be the best you can possibly be and do what it takes to get there. There's a saying that goes, "Shoot for the moon and even if you miss, you'll still land among the stars." I've always hated that saying. In my mind you should be shooting for the moon and not stopping til you reach it. Go for the gold!!! Happy Moonwalking. :)
Quote For The Day:
"Failure? I've never encountered it....only temporary setbacks." -Bill Marriott, Marriott Hotels
I choose to look at it like this.....I knew yesterday it was going to be bad so I got busy trying to figure out how to do better. I took advice from people who have "been there, done that" as well as advice from a friend who's a registered nurse, pondered all of it, and developed a plan to make this week better. Of course, I have no way of knowing how it will work out until next weigh day. Truth be told, I could still be doing some things wrong. That's not the point. The point is, I'm doing my best to be proactive in losing the weight, trying new things to see what works for me because everyone's different, and I'm learning as I go. As long as I'm open to continuously learning, helpful criticism, and willing to do "whatever it takes" (as Dad so wisely told me this morning), then I can only get better.
I left out early this morning to meet my two sisters, Brandy and Amy, and my adorable little nieces and nephews....Grace and Carla, age 4, Elijah, age 2 1/2 and Cyress, age 2. We took the babies to a farm in Cartersville so they could feed and pet the animals. I just can't tell you how much I enjoyed it. Yes, the kids drive me nuts when they're all in the same house running around playing and screaming and "being kids" (much of this due to the fact that I don't have any children of my own and am just not used to the chaos). But when we're out and about, actually doing something that they enjoy and that holds their attention....well it's just the coolest thing in the world to be a part of.
There were lots of animals for the kids to interact with and the guy showing us around the farm was extremely knowledgeable on all of them. I tipped him $10 for taking the time to educate us and for his patience with the kids. He made the trip a pleasure. We got to see camels (including a baby one), a young cow that the kids got to walk right up to and pet...he wasn't fenced in, he just freely roams around the farm, some beautiful peacocks, a porcupine, tortoises, baby kangaroos, cockatiels, macaws, donkeys, horses, goats (including one that was only a week old and the most adorable thing you've ever seen), ostriches, emus, the biggest bull I've ever seen in my life who just happened to be named Buttercup, a Mexican bull that had a rack like a Texas longhorn, and zebras. Very, very cool. The kids had a great time, they got to feed and pet most of the animals w/ the exception of the bulls, and they asked if we would bring them back again. Of course we will!!
Brandy had told me the night before that we were going to swing thru McDonald's for breakfast on our way to the farm. I was prepared and ate my breakfast casserole this morning before I left...183 calories. Of course when we pulled thru, I could smell those Egg McMuffins. I've mentioned before that my sense of smell is my biggest saboteur when it comes to food. But I held strong and resisted the temptation. After we left the farm, I knew we'd be going to lunch, but didn't know where. I wasn't too worried about it because my sister Brandy is very conscious of her weight and never varies more than 5 lbs. She is 6' tall and weighs 155 lbs. She's a stick and she loves it. She's got a couple of fast food places that she goes to when she's out and about because she's got the calories memorized on the things she eats there. One of the big ones is Chic-fil-A. I figured wherever we ended up, I'd just follow her lead and be okay.
Boy was I wrong. They decided they wanted Mexican!! Crap. Driving on home and skipping the restaurant wasn't an option because I was riding with my sister Amy. My car was back at Mom's house. I was so screwed, lol. I could smell those fajitas from 5 miles away. Here we go, I thought. We got there and I surveyed the menu. It's so hard to eat in a restaurant and calorie count when you haven't had a chance to check a nutrition guide online ahead of time. Los Reyes doesn't even have one, but we ended up at El Nopal. And then there's always the dreaded sodium that there's just no escaping. I didn't want to make my sisters uncomfortable by not ordering anything at all, so I got a glass of water and 1 chicken soft taco, which by the way, was half the size of the ones at Los Reyes, so that was a good thing. It had maybe 3 oz of chicken in it w/ tomatoes and onions...I said no to the shredded cheese and only got lettuce on it. Cost me $2.14. I think that was the cheapest lunch I've ever had in my life.
I white-knuckled the table while the rest of the family members gobbled down their fajitas, cheese dip, and chips and salsa. Oh the smell....I was in Mexican Heaven....or Hell...however you want to look at it. I am not exaggerating when I tell you that I had to physically restrain my arm from reaching into that chip bowl no less than 25 times during the course of our lunch. What a habit it is to eat those free chips and salsa! You don't even think about it....your hand just automatically reaches for those greasy, crispy, salty treats. I didn't eat a single one. Not even a crumb. I didn't touch the cheese dip. I didn't eat any of the fajitas that Amy didn't finish. I ate my 3-bite taco, sucked the bottom out of my water glass, and prayed for them to hurry the hell up so we could get out of there.
All that soft taco did was whet my appetite. My stomach wasn't growling when we first got to the restaurant, but it sure was raising a ruckus when we left. I finally made it back to my car and straight home to make another taco. I had made my own version of chicken soft tacos the night before and still had some left over. It was so good....totally worth the wait. I'm glad I made it through the restaurant ordeal.
I did some chores around the house and when it was time to cook dinner I sauteed some baby scallops (found them on sale for $3.99/lb!) with some broccoli, onions, mushrooms, and red and green bell peppers. I threw in some garlic, ginger, adobo, red pepper flakes and low sodium soy sauce. FABULOUS meal. Just fabulous. And less than 300 calories. As good as it tasted, it wasn't very filling, so I ended up making a ham wrap later. I still had too many calories left over and I was serious about not going under 1350, so I ate stuff here and there until I got pretty close to the 1550 mark.
I went down and got on the treadmill like I said I was going to start doing EVERY day. The daily requirement is now 20 minutes until I build up some endurance. I was already dying at 15-16 mins to do the mile I was doing. Apparently I didnt' know what death was, lol. I walked at a speed of 4.0 for the first 17 mins and then dropped the speed down to 3.5 for the last 3 minutes. At the 20 min marker I had walked 1.3 miles and I fell off the machine. Oh! By the way, when I first got in the fitness room I got on our elliptical machine for the first time. I attempted it. I lasted 1 minute, lol. I truly don't think I'll be on that thing agan for at least the next 50 lbs. It hurts your thigh muscles just to stand on it....before you even start using it. While I was fooling around with it, thinking in my head "never again", a pretty fit-looking guy came in the fitness room. I immediately asked him if he wanted the elliptical so I could get off of it and make it look like I was just being nice....not that it was killing me. He said, "Are you kidding me? I hate that thing. It's a b*tch!" Yeah, no kidding.
The calorie counting website that I use has a fitness section that I perused for the first time tonight. I found a place to enter in "walking on treadmill". It offered different times for different amounts of miles. I chose the "1 mile in 15 mins" option, thinking that doing 1.3 mi in 20 mins would be pretty darn accurate. It said I burned 209 calories!! GO SKINNY TAMMY!! I also got in the kitchen and chopped up a ton of veggies. I soooo didn't feel like it. I was tired and sore after the treadmill, sweating like a pig, and ready to call it a day. But I said I was going to do it today so I knew I needed to. I argued with myself first (I do this a lot):
Go chop up the veggies.
I don't feel like it tonight.
You laid out a plan yesterday. You've gotta' stick to it.
I'm just so tired tonight.
That's your excuse every night. This will assist you each night for the rest of the week.
Can't you see I just burned a whopping 209 calories on the treadmill?!?!
Good for you. Now get busy.
Have I ever told you how much I hate you?
Several times in the last 4 weeks, but I'm also the reason you exceeded your 10 lb. monthly goal with a 12 lb. loss. Now get in there and start chopping...Porkchop Girl.
Touche :)
Goal Stats:
Calories 1550
Carbs 250
Fat 60
Protein 136
Calories 1528
Carbs 80
Fat 53
Protein 183
Here's my food intake for the day:
Breakfast casserole (see yesterday's post for ingredients)
1 c. coffee w/ sugar-free creamer
1 El Nopal chicken soft taco with lettuce, no cheese
1 homemade chicken soft taco w/ lettuce on wheat tortilla
Scallop stir fry
Ham wrap on wheat tortilla w/ lettuce, tomatoes, onions, lite mayo, lite Italian dressing
Bowl of chicken stew (5 oz chicken, tomatoes, onions, datil pepper)
1 pc. Russell Stover Sugar-free 60% cacoa dark chocolate
Lots of water
1 protein water....NO TEA....NO COKE :)
One final thought....I know you're all just DYING for this long-winded post to end. :) Several years ago during one of the Olympic games Nike put out a commercial. It is my favorite commercial of all time. It had one statement written on the screen that said, "You don't win silver, you lose gold." WOW. DOUBLE WOW. Oh the fallout that was going to come from that one. They had stepped in it big time. Needless to say, all of the silver medalists had a global freak-out and I watched the news like a hawk over the next couple of days to see what Nike's response was going to be. I figured they would buckle under the pressure and fall all over themselves apologizing. They didn't.
They put out a statement saying that while the silver medalists had made outstanding achievements and should be proud of what they had attained, Nike holds themselves to a standard of the highest excellence, one that the gold medal represents, and they would continue to do so. Awesome. Let me just say that there's nothing wrong with going for the gold, for wanting to be the absolute best you can be and working hard to reach it. The world is full of mediocrity and good intentions. Be different! Set your goal to be the best you can possibly be and do what it takes to get there. There's a saying that goes, "Shoot for the moon and even if you miss, you'll still land among the stars." I've always hated that saying. In my mind you should be shooting for the moon and not stopping til you reach it. Go for the gold!!! Happy Moonwalking. :)
Quote For The Day:
"Failure? I've never encountered it....only temporary setbacks." -Bill Marriott, Marriott Hotels
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Packing "Off" The Pounds
Today has been pretty productive. I went out and did a little dumpster diving and got some boxes for packing. I brought them back and spent about 4 hours on my feet packing up my closet and bedroom. After bending, stretching, lifting, carrying and packing, I feel like I've had an entire body workout. Today was treadmill day so I went down and did a mile. I had it in my head on the way down there that I was going to push for 2 miles. Yeah right. I feel like I'm dying at around .8 of a mile. It's an absolute struggle to make it to the mile mark before I fall off gasping for breath, sweat just a'pouring off me. I'm hoping I can further my distance soon. Please God. I noticed Pam's been keeping track of how many calories she's burning with her workouts and she has been doing AWESOME. I only pay attention to my distance and the time it takes me to do it in. Tonight I walked 1 mile at a speed of 3.4 and it took me 17 min and 30 sec. I decided to look at the calories I burned this time.........84. How pathetic is that???? I wanted to cry. I wanted to give up. I wanted to cuss that treadmill, give it a swift kick, and never get on it again. (Deep breath, Tammy).
Well I'm not going to give up. How can I expect it to ever improve if I stop? Yes, 84 stupid calories is a pathetically low number for as wore out as I feel when I get off that dang thing. But like anything else, it will get better over time. I just have to persevere and keep at it. Keep on keepin' on, as Dad would say.
Now before anybody innundates me with screaming emails about how low my calories are for the day....please don't. I didn't do it on purpose. I don't know what happened, actually. I ate 3 meals and a snack today. I stopped eating when I was full. I didn't inadvertently shove food in my mouth just for the heck of it. I paid attention every time I ate to make sure I didn't make myself miserable again, and my end calorie count for the day shocked me. Who knows? Maybe it was just a weird day for me. Maybe I'll eat 2,000 calories tomorrow....certainly wouldn't surprise me. I talked to Dwayne about lowering my calorie count and he advised me not to. He told me that if I lower them, and then have a "hungry" day and go over them, that I'll beat myself up endlessly over it and deem myself as a failure. He said I should leave the limits where they are and if I come in under the limits, then good for me! See why I love him? He knows me so well. :)
Goal Stats:
Calories 1750
Carbs 250
Fat 60
Protein 136
Today's Stats:
Calories 1190
Carbs 71
Fat 47
Protein 127
Here's my food intake for the day:
3 egg whites scrambled w/ can. bacon, mushrm, onion, bell pepper, tomato, red. fat cheese
2 c. coffee w/ sugar-free creamer
7 baked Mojo chicken wings
Turkey burger on whole wht sandwich thin, lite mayo, dijon, ketchup
Salad (spinach, broccoli slaw, tomatoes, onions, bell peppers, carrots, cukes, lite Italian, hummus)
3 baby dill pickles
Lowfat mozzarella cheesestick
1 glass tea, mixed 2/3 unsweet, 1/3 sweet
TONS of water
1 protein water
NO COKE TODAY!
One thing I've always loved is inspirational quotes. I decided I'm going to start leaving one at the end of my post each day. I don't always remember who they're by, but if I do, I'll let you know. :)
Quote For The Day:
"Whether you think you can or think you can't, you're right." -Henry Ford
Well I'm not going to give up. How can I expect it to ever improve if I stop? Yes, 84 stupid calories is a pathetically low number for as wore out as I feel when I get off that dang thing. But like anything else, it will get better over time. I just have to persevere and keep at it. Keep on keepin' on, as Dad would say.
Now before anybody innundates me with screaming emails about how low my calories are for the day....please don't. I didn't do it on purpose. I don't know what happened, actually. I ate 3 meals and a snack today. I stopped eating when I was full. I didn't inadvertently shove food in my mouth just for the heck of it. I paid attention every time I ate to make sure I didn't make myself miserable again, and my end calorie count for the day shocked me. Who knows? Maybe it was just a weird day for me. Maybe I'll eat 2,000 calories tomorrow....certainly wouldn't surprise me. I talked to Dwayne about lowering my calorie count and he advised me not to. He told me that if I lower them, and then have a "hungry" day and go over them, that I'll beat myself up endlessly over it and deem myself as a failure. He said I should leave the limits where they are and if I come in under the limits, then good for me! See why I love him? He knows me so well. :)
Goal Stats:
Calories 1750
Carbs 250
Fat 60
Protein 136
Today's Stats:
Calories 1190
Carbs 71
Fat 47
Protein 127
Here's my food intake for the day:
3 egg whites scrambled w/ can. bacon, mushrm, onion, bell pepper, tomato, red. fat cheese
2 c. coffee w/ sugar-free creamer
7 baked Mojo chicken wings
Turkey burger on whole wht sandwich thin, lite mayo, dijon, ketchup
Salad (spinach, broccoli slaw, tomatoes, onions, bell peppers, carrots, cukes, lite Italian, hummus)
3 baby dill pickles
Lowfat mozzarella cheesestick
1 glass tea, mixed 2/3 unsweet, 1/3 sweet
TONS of water
1 protein water
NO COKE TODAY!
One thing I've always loved is inspirational quotes. I decided I'm going to start leaving one at the end of my post each day. I don't always remember who they're by, but if I do, I'll let you know. :)
Quote For The Day:
"Whether you think you can or think you can't, you're right." -Henry Ford
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