A food addict's travels on the road to recovery.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Trench Warfare

Boy, I've got a lot to say today...lots to get off my mind.  I intended to start this post and just babble on until I got it all out of my system.  Then I realized I need to address a couple of more things first before I get down to the nitty gritty.

First of all, I just noticed when I signed on that I finally have 100 followers!!!!  I remember when I first started this blog last June.  My mom and dad signed up, and my best friend Pam, and Rebecca at Screwdestiny was my first follower that was someone I didn't already know as friend or family.  I blogged my heart out those first few days and wondered if I'd ever have more than 4 followers, lol.  I'm really amazed that I hit the 100 mark and even if not that many continuously read, I thank each of you for stopping by and finding it interesting enough at one point or another to sign on. 

Secondly, I've won 3 more awards!  The Sweet Tooth Obliteration Operation awarded me with the Beautiful Blogger award, already listed on my sidebar.  A huge thank you to her for finding my blog worthy of the honor.   Also, Dawne at 365 Days To a New Me and Eat To Live in 2010 both gave me the Happy Award...this is a new one for me!  Thanks to both of them.  The rules are to list 10 things that make me happy and then pass it along to 10 other people:

10 Things That Make Me Happy:

My salvation through Jesus Christ
My baby puppy dog Scarlette
Losing Weight
Becoming a gym rat
Watching my nieces & nephews learn and grow
Finding inspiration, friendship & comraderie in Blogland
Relationship with Dwayne (in most ways)
Helping others

10 people to pass this award onto:

:Deliciously Healthy
Escape From Obesity
Fat Girl vs. Skinny Girl
Getting Better and Better...
Just For The Hell-th Of It
Lots to Lose
my daily nosh
Sixty by Sixty

On to the weight loss stuff.  Man this is some hard stuff, ain't it???  lol

Wow.  So much going on in my head these last couple of days.  When I first started this blog, I really had no idea how it would evolve and end up including so much of what goes on in my life.  I really didn't know the trials and tribulations that would present themselves along the way.  Hardships, roadblocks, losses, gains, happy times, sad times...downright depressing times.  And every last bit of it is directly related to how my weight loss goes.  That's why I write about it. 

Oh there's a lot I don't write about it, as I'm sure is the case for all of us.  Let's face it....there's some stuff that may affect you in a huge way, but for one reason or another, you just can't put it out there.  Doesn't matter really.  I think as human beings, many of us go through a lot of the same stuff.  The details may differ from person to person, but speaking in generalities, there will always be emotional stuff, stressful stuff, time restraints, family issues, kids, jobs, significant others....or in a word, Life.

I've been overwhelmed these last couple of days with LIFE, and I've had to crawl deep inside my brain (scary place to be) to really get things simplified where the weight loss is concerned.  Well...I don't want to call it weight "loss"....sometimes it's weight "gain".  How about the weight battle....trench warfare seems like a fair term.  For me, it really is a battle in every way.  It's an all out war between me and the fat cells.  Against me and circumstances, emotions, stresses, my brain, my heart...

I think it all boils down to just a few things.  Attitude.  Importance Level.  Perseverance.  Maybe a couple of more, but those will do for now.

There really are so many things that are out of our control.  Things that just "pop up" at a moment's notice.  Things we get blind-sided with.  Roadblocks to navigate around, potholes to derail us, etc, etc.  Attitude has got to be the most important things I think in dealing with this and doing your absolute best to stay on track, no matter WHAT life throws at you.  This is a hard one for me.  I can be the happiest, most laid-back girl in the world....but I can also turn negative very quickly.  One minute the sun is shining, the birds are singing and life is grooving along nicely.  Then something comes up...happens...unexpectedly..."off plan"....and all of a sudden...*poof*....my focus is gone.  Just that quick.  My attitude has turned sour and before you know it I'm saying, "To hell with it all".  There's probably an actual clinical term for this....I just choose to call it "crazy".  lol   Seriously though, I really do believe that we each get to choose our attitude towards how we're going to react to Life...and I need a lot more practice at this.  It's number one on my "to-do" list.

Secondly, Sean at The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser KEEPS ON TALKING about the Importance Level of this journey.  I never tire of hearing it or reading it.  There are people out there, like me, with thick skulls, who need to be told over and over until it actually sinks in.  He talks about making your journey to lose weight as important as LIFE and DEATH.  For a while, it WAS that important to me.  When I started this blog, it was all about my health.  I was 36 years old and well on my way to an early death.  I was on 2 meds for diabetes, a med for high cholesterol, a med for high blood pressure, a med for low thyroid....also have PCOS, for which there is no cure...just another syndrome to add to the list.  Prime candidate for heart attack or stroke.  I knew it, and I wanted to change it.  And I did.  I lost 40 lbs and came off of all of my meds (except thyroid, which is for life).  It was a huge milestone for me and one that I certainly didn't think I'd reach that quickly...meaning in only losing 40 lbs.  I felt happy, accomplished, and mostly relieved. 

Somewhere along the way, without realizing it, I think I got comfy with that.  I think I subconsciously thought I was in the "okay" zone now with my health, and the importance of my travels started dwindling.  Sure, I still have more weight to lose, and I really do WANT to lose some more.  But I wasn't scared for my life anymore.  I didn't feel like I might drop dead next week.  The importance of it was no longer that important. 

After this point, some serious emotional crap started weighing on me.....and I am in no way skilled at separating emotional stuff from bad eating habits.  They go hand in hand for me and have for 20 years.  This is going to require learning new coping skills to replace the bad habit of overeating with a healthier habit that has nothing to do with my eating.  I'm constantly in search of learning these things.....talking to friends, discussing my problem, asking for ideas, reading blogs....I'll let you know when I get it figured out.

I want to get that Importance Level back.  I still have at least 60 lbs to lose...maybe more if I decide to drop my goal weight to a lower point again.  It's not because I think I'm going to have a heart attack next week anymore.  It's just because I'm not happy where I'm at.  I want to be healthier, fitter, able to move about freely without restriction or any pain, able to buy really cute and flattering clothes....heck, maybe even get FLIRTED with.  :)

Then there's perseverance.....consistent effort to get to my goal and not stopping until I reach it.  I've blogged before about you're not failing unless you actually quit.  Give up.  And I've said I'll never give up.  That's true...but at the same time, floundering around, stalling out, hovering at the same weight loss for 3 months isn't doing me any good either.  It's not progress....and I need to move forward.  I need to see losses again.  Good losses.....where you know that some real effort has been put forth. 

I met up with my gym partner and friend, Billie, tonight.  We talked for 2 solid hours about all this junk that's been swirling around in my brain.  I told her I really need to re-group.  I need to work on my attitude.  I need to make this Life and Death again.  I need to persevere and work at it until the goal is met in a decent amount of time.  I also told her that I'm not weighing in this week.  I started my cycle 2 days ago and showed a 5 lb gain today due to the bloating.  Yes, this happens every month.  Yes, I know it's only water weight.  Still....it's a gain on the scale and my psyche just can't handle another one right now.  So I'm not going to report it.  I'm not writing it down on my sidebar.  For the first time on this blog, I'm giving myself permission to skip a weigh-in this Friday.  Does it feel like cheating?  Yep.  Am I still going to do it?  Yep.

Planning and preparation is a huge part of the importance level for me.  If I'm going to get it right, every day, I have to plan ahead.  Flexibility is another one, because we all know what they say about best-laid plans.  So that's what I've been thinking about today and will continue to work on tomorrow.  Menu planning...variety....working around roadblocks like going to my sister's every Monday and Tuesday.

The mental part of these travels really is the toughest part.  It really is.  But nothing worth doing is ever easy....we all know that.  And getting to my goal is going to be soooo worth it.  I can only dream about what that sense of accomplishment will feel like.  And I do dream about it, all the time.  It's really not that far away.  I can be there in 6 months.  When it comes down to it, 60 lbs to lose is not that major.  It's a drop in the bucket compared to some people's journeys.  And it's certainly not something I can't handle.  It irritates me that I keep having to re-locate my blinders.  When I put them back on this time, I'm super-glueing them to my head.

If you're struggling, too, then do what you need to do to get back on track.  Now.  Take a day...look up some recipes, go grocery shopping, plan out your exercise time....re-group.  Do what you need to do to get yourself straight...but do it now.  Time waits on nobody.  Don't let yourself get 6 months down the road, and wish you would have gotten it right, now.  Our goals are too important.  We have to MAKE them important....above all else.  We have to fight for ourselves.  It's up to us.  If your armor fell off....strap it back on.  Get back in the battle.  I'll be down here in the trenches, too.  I won't wait on you....but I'll keep an eye out for you.  Get here as fast as you can.  'Nite friends.  :)  


  1. Awe! Thank you so much for passing the "Happy" award onto me! That totally just made me "HAPPY" Like, seriously happy! ;0) I don't know if everyone gets this excited, but it's my first little blog award, so it's a little special ;)

    I love everything you said. I think everybody has moments where they realize they need to regroup and refocus. To step it up a notch. I'm glad that you are deciding to do so. I too dream about that day when I will step on the scale, and there, looking back at me, will be my goal weight. I can only imagine what that is going to feel like! You too will get there, and at that very moment, it will all be worth it!


  2. Flipin Heck Girl, Have you been visiting my brain too? You are saying stuff I know is about me!! A fabulous thought provoking post, Sean is not the only one who should write a book...

    I have gone Back to Basics,regrouped my thoughts and feel reinvigorated for the battle, so I am beside you hunni, letsw get this battle won..

    Thank You, Thank You Thank You for the delightful award. You have staretd my day in a big way, I'm tickled Pink:o)

    Big Hugs


  3. PS. Congratulations on passing the 100 mark with followers, you deserve everyone of them and more, I reckon you will have 200 in no time at all.



  4. What a wonderful post my friend. You talk about not making progress for three months straight along your road...Well, I beg to differ. You've made some incredible progress. Learning about ourselves in a bare bones, honest way---figuring out how we handle emotions and circumstances as it relates to food, and being able to tie it all back to our "importance level," well---that's more progress than some people make in a lifetime. I've always told you---You got this Tammy. And you do. You must believe in yourself.

    I believe in you,


  5. Great post, Tammy, and I'm with you. I'm still floundering around the same weight I've been since August!! Up a few, down a few. 28 pounds off is great, but there is more work to do, and I'm trying to get the ooomph back to do it. It does help to know I'm not the only one who struggles, loses focus, and gets a sucky attitude. But it's time to regroup, recalibrate, and "move on down the road" again.

  6. Great motivational post! Im in those trenches, but Im digging my way out! Re focusing! Im not waiting either........but Im def here to encourage! Congrats on the awards!

  7. I agree with Sean. This journey is not just about numbers. In order to sustain weight loss, our very being - our thoughts, attitudes, responses to life all have to change. You are changing. You are recognizing things in your life and working on them.

    I am a slow poke and getting something to you!!! I am notorious for putting things off...tonight...I'm ordering and having it sent!! I think it will be helpful in this part of the journey.

    Congrats on your awards sweetness!

  8. In the trenches too!
    An inspirational and reveling post. Bravo Tammy.
    You write very well and are getting better and better at expressing things. I find the same happening with my writing. Another benefit to blogging.
    Thinking of you and wishing you well. The usual!

  9. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. That was therapy for me and it was free :)

    I have 60 lbs to lose too. Not bad considering I'm down almost 100, but I really have to make a decision to do it EVERY day and not just when life is smooth.

    So...again. Thank you so much for this post Tammy!!

  10. Hooray for Jesus Christ! Hooray for Tammy!

  11. Great post Tammy. I'm with Sean you've done a ton of work on fixing your mind. I know myself I took the LONG road around but really I'm glad I did because I don't know that I could have even gotten there taking a short cut. Sometimes we need more time to get where we want to go. It's just about knowning you CAN get there eventually. Hope you have a great week.

  12. Incredible, awesome, amazing post Tammy. You are really doing well and it just reminded me how I need to be in that place too.

    I'm emailing you my number!

  13. Excellent post. You deserve all those awards and more. I'm honored to be fighting in the trenches with you. We'll get there if we just keep our eyes on the prize.

  14. AMAZING post Tammy! I think you snuck into my brain somehow too!
    Congrats on passing the 100 followers mark and on your two awards. Well deserved on both accounts.
    And for what it's worth, I'm one of the "thick skulled" beings you mentioned.
    Thanks as always for the insight and the much needed pep talk.

  15. First off, thank you for the award!

    Secondly... wow! I have tears in my eyes, girl! You are a powerful and insightful writer and you are SO going to kill that 60 pounds! I have NEVER not believed that YOU can do this, and this post just goes to prove why I feel that way! You. Are. Amazing.

  16. Tammy, I just want to say I love reading your blog and miss it when you're away for a bit. I really do notice.

  17. Hi Tammy,
    I spent a lot of time reading this post and I feel a lot of respect towards you for how true it is. Something starting blogging did for me was force me to be true to myself, force me to be accountable for my actions (which is why I blog my food and exercise since it is the best way for me to keep on track), and make myself stop romanticizing getting fit.
    It is so easy to sit there making a fool-proof plan yet it takes so much to actually go out and do it. I think a 40 lb loss is absolutely amazing, if you have lost 40 you MOST DEFINITELY can loose 60. You know the formula and you know what it takes. You talk about life importance which is something I just kind of realized a few weeks ago and it really does work though I understand that attitude is easy to loose. It helps to think of exercising as something as important as taking a shower or brushing your teeth, both of which are things we without a doubt make time to do everyday. When you simplify it in your mind, at least for me, it removes a lot of the stress associated with it.
    By the way I absolutely LOVED your comment about the cupcakes as I did want to shoot my roommate! Haha I actually laughed out loud at my desk at your comment!

  18. Tammy, you've made tremendous progress on your journey. Like Sean said, being honest with yourself and learning about how your emotions affect your eating habits is tremendous. Being aware of which things trigger our bad eating habits and learning new ways to cope with them, and implementing these new ways will make this weight loss permanent. You're doing great and well on your way to being Skinny Tammy! Looking forward to seeing her in a bathing suit this summer!

    Love, Mom O.

  19. great post Tammy!! I think we all need to be reminded to get right back up in the saddle when we fall off!! I learned long ago never to step on the scale during that week of the month, never good!!
    And congrats for your 100 followers, I dont' think I ever signed up as a follower, so I will be 101 :)

  20. Great post Tammy, I have a lot of respect for the way you don't quit, even with all the obstacles you mention. And thanks for choosing me to pass the award to! I always enjoy it when you drop by my blog. BTW, I bought some of that low sodium Boar's Head and it's great. I can't tell any difference in taste from the high salt variety, so good call, thanks!

  21. Govern your thoughts when alone, and your tongue when in company. ....................................................

  22. My friend,
    I'm right. there. with. you. I was so frustrated with myself this week because I chose FOOD over HEALTH. I chose COOKIES over A HEALTHY PREGNANCY. I forgot the importance of this battle, and why I cannot get complacent and lazy.
    Just by writing it out and thinking about these things, you are doing something about them, though. We both need to develop a plan to deal with emotions in another way. I plan on writing this plan out, so that I can see it and implant it in my brain, so the next time I'm emotional or stressed, I can reach for my PLAN instead of CHOCOLATE!

  23. The mental work really is the hardest part. It's a lifetime journey for sure.

    Thanks for the award, that was sweet :)

  24. Hi Tammy....I was just thinking, that I really need to do something, or I was going to be 234 pounds forever. So, I have upped my speed and incline on the treadmill....I realized I wasn't breathing hard enough with what I was doing, and no wonder I wasn't losing any weight. So, we'll see if that helps at all. I have also decided to blog only when I have a weight loss, and to blog that only once a week, if it happens. I find blogging the gains, just makes me feel worse. So, this will be more positive. Thanks for your comment on my blog, and want you to know you are in my thoughts. Hugs, Kathleen