Trench Warfare

Boy, I've got a lot to say today...lots to get off my mind.  I intended to start this post and just babble on until I got it all out of my system.  Then I realized I need to address a couple of more things first before I get down to the nitty gritty.

First of all, I just noticed when I signed on that I finally have 100 followers!!!!  I remember when I first started this blog last June.  My mom and dad signed up, and my best friend Pam, and Rebecca at Screwdestiny was my first follower that was someone I didn't already know as friend or family.  I blogged my heart out those first few days and wondered if I'd ever have more than 4 followers, lol.  I'm really amazed that I hit the 100 mark and even if not that many continuously read, I thank each of you for stopping by and finding it interesting enough at one point or another to sign on. 

Secondly, I've won 3 more awards!  The Sweet Tooth Obliteration Operation awarded me with the Beautiful Blogger award, already listed on my sidebar.  A huge thank you to her for finding my blog worthy of the honor.   Also, Dawne at 365 Days To a New Me and Eat To Live in 2010 both gave me the Happy Award...this is a new one for me!  Thanks to both of them.  The rules are to list 10 things that make me happy and then pass it along to 10 other people:

10 Things That Make Me Happy:

My salvation through Jesus Christ

My baby puppy dog Scarlette

Family

Friendships

Losing Weight

Becoming a gym rat

Watching my nieces & nephews learn and grow

Finding inspiration, friendship & comraderie in Blogland

Relationship with Dwayne (in most ways)

Helping others

10 people to pass this award onto:

*FiTCETERA*

266

:Deliciously Healthy

Escape From Obesity

Fat Girl vs. Skinny Girl

Getting Better and Better...

Just For The Hell-th Of It

Lots to Lose

my daily nosh

Sixty by Sixty

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On to the weight loss stuff.  Man this is some hard stuff, ain't it???  lol

Wow.  So much going on in my head these last couple of days.  When I first started this blog, I really had no idea how it would evolve and end up including so much of what goes on in my life.  I really didn't know the trials and tribulations that would present themselves along the way.  Hardships, roadblocks, losses, gains, happy times, sad times...downright depressing times.  And every last bit of it is directly related to how my weight loss goes.  That's why I write about it. 

Oh there's a lot I don't write about it, as I'm sure is the case for all of us.  Let's face it....there's some stuff that may affect you in a huge way, but for one reason or another, you just can't put it out there.  Doesn't matter really.  I think as human beings, many of us go through a lot of the same stuff.  The details may differ from person to person, but speaking in generalities, there will always be emotional stuff, stressful stuff, time restraints, family issues, kids, jobs, significant others....or in a word, Life.

I've been overwhelmed these last couple of days with LIFE, and I've had to crawl deep inside my brain (scary place to be) to really get things simplified where the weight loss is concerned.  Well...I don't want to call it weight "loss"....sometimes it's weight "gain".  How about the weight battle....trench warfare seems like a fair term.  For me, it really is a battle in every way.  It's an all out war between me and the fat cells.  Against me and circumstances, emotions, stresses, my brain, my heart...

I think it all boils down to just a few things.  Attitude.  Importance Level.  Perseverance.  Maybe a couple of more, but those will do for now.

There really are so many things that are out of our control.  Things that just "pop up" at a moment's notice.  Things we get blind-sided with.  Roadblocks to navigate around, potholes to derail us, etc, etc.  Attitude has got to be the most important things I think in dealing with this and doing your absolute best to stay on track, no matter WHAT life throws at you.  This is a hard one for me.  I can be the happiest, most laid-back girl in the world....but I can also turn negative very quickly.  One minute the sun is shining, the birds are singing and life is grooving along nicely.  Then something comes up...happens...unexpectedly..."off plan"....and all of a sudden...*poof*....my focus is gone.  Just that quick.  My attitude has turned sour and before you know it I'm saying, "To hell with it all".  There's probably an actual clinical term for this....I just choose to call it "crazy".  lol   Seriously though, I really do believe that we each get to choose our attitude towards how we're going to react to Life...and I need a lot more practice at this.  It's number one on my "to-do" list.

Secondly, Sean at The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser KEEPS ON TALKING about the Importance Level of this journey.  I never tire of hearing it or reading it.  There are people out there, like me, with thick skulls, who need to be told over and over until it actually sinks in.  He talks about making your journey to lose weight as important as LIFE and DEATH.  For a while, it WAS that important to me.  When I started this blog, it was all about my health.  I was 36 years old and well on my way to an early death.  I was on 2 meds for diabetes, a med for high cholesterol, a med for high blood pressure, a med for low thyroid....also have PCOS, for which there is no cure...just another syndrome to add to the list.  Prime candidate for heart attack or stroke.  I knew it, and I wanted to change it.  And I did.  I lost 40 lbs and came off of all of my meds (except thyroid, which is for life).  It was a huge milestone for me and one that I certainly didn't think I'd reach that quickly...meaning in only losing 40 lbs.  I felt happy, accomplished, and mostly relieved. 

Somewhere along the way, without realizing it, I think I got comfy with that.  I think I subconsciously thought I was in the "okay" zone now with my health, and the importance of my travels started dwindling.  Sure, I still have more weight to lose, and I really do WANT to lose some more.  But I wasn't scared for my life anymore.  I didn't feel like I might drop dead next week.  The importance of it was no longer that important. 

After this point, some serious emotional crap started weighing on me.....and I am in no way skilled at separating emotional stuff from bad eating habits.  They go hand in hand for me and have for 20 years.  This is going to require learning new coping skills to replace the bad habit of overeating with a healthier habit that has nothing to do with my eating.  I'm constantly in search of learning these things.....talking to friends, discussing my problem, asking for ideas, reading blogs....I'll let you know when I get it figured out.

I want to get that Importance Level back.  I still have at least 60 lbs to lose...maybe more if I decide to drop my goal weight to a lower point again.  It's not because I think I'm going to have a heart attack next week anymore.  It's just because I'm not happy where I'm at.  I want to be healthier, fitter, able to move about freely without restriction or any pain, able to buy really cute and flattering clothes....heck, maybe even get FLIRTED with.  :)

Then there's perseverance.....consistent effort to get to my goal and not stopping until I reach it.  I've blogged before about you're not failing unless you actually quit.  Give up.  And I've said I'll never give up.  That's true...but at the same time, floundering around, stalling out, hovering at the same weight loss for 3 months isn't doing me any good either.  It's not progress....and I need to move forward.  I need to see losses again.  Good losses.....where you know that some real effort has been put forth. 

I met up with my gym partner and friend, Billie, tonight.  We talked for 2 solid hours about all this junk that's been swirling around in my brain.  I told her I really need to re-group.  I need to work on my attitude.  I need to make this Life and Death again.  I need to persevere and work at it until the goal is met in a decent amount of time.  I also told her that I'm not weighing in this week.  I started my cycle 2 days ago and showed a 5 lb gain today due to the bloating.  Yes, this happens every month.  Yes, I know it's only water weight.  Still....it's a gain on the scale and my psyche just can't handle another one right now.  So I'm not going to report it.  I'm not writing it down on my sidebar.  For the first time on this blog, I'm giving myself permission to skip a weigh-in this Friday.  Does it feel like cheating?  Yep.  Am I still going to do it?  Yep.

Planning and preparation is a huge part of the importance level for me.  If I'm going to get it right, every day, I have to plan ahead.  Flexibility is another one, because we all know what they say about best-laid plans.  So that's what I've been thinking about today and will continue to work on tomorrow.  Menu planning...variety....working around roadblocks like going to my sister's every Monday and Tuesday.

The mental part of these travels really is the toughest part.  It really is.  But nothing worth doing is ever easy....we all know that.  And getting to my goal is going to be soooo worth it.  I can only dream about what that sense of accomplishment will feel like.  And I do dream about it, all the time.  It's really not that far away.  I can be there in 6 months.  When it comes down to it, 60 lbs to lose is not that major.  It's a drop in the bucket compared to some people's journeys.  And it's certainly not something I can't handle.  It irritates me that I keep having to re-locate my blinders.  When I put them back on this time, I'm super-glueing them to my head.

If you're struggling, too, then do what you need to do to get back on track.  Now.  Take a day...look up some recipes, go grocery shopping, plan out your exercise time....re-group.  Do what you need to do to get yourself straight...but do it now.  Time waits on nobody.  Don't let yourself get 6 months down the road, and wish you would have gotten it right, now.  Our goals are too important.  We have to MAKE them important....above all else.  We have to fight for ourselves.  It's up to us.  If your armor fell off....strap it back on.  Get back in the battle.  I'll be down here in the trenches, too.  I won't wait on you....but I'll keep an eye out for you.  Get here as fast as you can.  'Nite friends.  :)