A food addict's travels on the road to recovery.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Brittany Is Ready To Meet Me

Brittany is the child that I got pregnant with at 18 yrs old and adopted out to another family.  I wrote a post about it last year...if you want the back story, this is it:  http://foodaddict-fromfattofab.blogspot.com/2009/11/dagger-in-my-heart.html.

Ever since I found her on Facebook last year, I've talked to her about once every 6-8 weeks or so...just a short note to say hello and let her know I'm still alive and well, and to make sure she is also.  Well I saw her on Facebook last night, and we chatted for a bit.  She graduated from high school this year and is starting college in January.  After a few minutes of chatting, she said she's been wanting to ask me something and she's been thinking about it for a while now.  She asked if I'd be willing to meet her.

(I think I stopped breathing for a moment or two at this point...)

I told her that I'm always available to her for whatever she wants, and yes, I'd love to meet her if she's sure she's ready.  She said she will talk to her mom about it first...which I agreed is necessary and the respectful thing to do.  She is obviously as nervous about it as I am, because she asked if I minded if she brought her 2 best friends with her.  I understood her need for moral support, and told her she's more than welcome to bring her friends.  She also said she'd like to meet Dwayne.  I told her I will certainly ask him if he'd like to do that, and she said it was perfectly understandable if he didn't...that our (hers and mine) situation were way before he came around....and she understood if he wasn't comfortable.  She's so mature...I love that.

I gave her my phone # and told her to text or call whenever's she's talked to her mom and is ready to meet.

Needless to say I got NO sleep last night.  My mind was just racing.  I texted my mom and Dwayne.  They were both asleep and didn't answer.  I don't have a problem meeting her at all.  It's just the uncertainty of it all that has my mind spinning.  We could meet one time...she might just want to settle curiosity and ask some questions...and never see her again.  Or it could develop into a friendship where we see each other all along.  I just don't know.  And I don't know if I'm going to hold it together nicely, or fall apart emotionally the minute I look into my own eyes.  And should I take her a gift on our first meeting, or is that too contrived and typical? 

I do know that I'm overthinking everything, but when you're in the middle of a situation like this, it's hard not to.  I talked to my mom on the phone this morning and told her that I don't feel like I've been on my Zoloft long enough yet to deal with this.  My nerves are definitely shot after our conversation and zero sleep last night.  She told me in a couple of weeks I'll be leveled out and fine, and that I'll be able to handle everything just fine.  I texted Dwayne on his way to work and told him Brittany wanted to meet us and was he up for that.  He said yes, he'll meet her, and we'd talk about it tonight when he comes over. 

I read in the post above that I linked to provide the back story that I binged over Brittany thoughts last year.  Thinking back, I believe that was the last time I had a binge.  I think it's been a year.  Well last night....during those 6-7 hours of laying in bed, mind racing, conjuring up different scenarios in my head, and not being able to sleep....I felt that frantic feeling that precursors a binge.  It's been quite a while since I've felt that.  But I didn't give in.  I didn't put one drop of anything in my mouth.  But I have to tell you...sometimes this "feel your feelings instead of stuffing them down with food" stuff is for the birds.  The good news is, even though there's a lot going on in my head right now, I'm glad that guilt from a binge isn't one of the things I'm dealing with.


  1. Oh Tammy, this is huge and wonderful news. I am so excited and hopeful for you.

    I send you lots of love and best wishes


  2. Wow! What an exciting time for you. I am hope this meeting will be wonderful for the both of you.

  3. Awesome stuff. Have an open mind, and enjoy every second.

  4. congratulations! the relationship is a gift. the meeting and your lives will go how they go, bring dwayne as your support and have a casual lunch or walk in the park to get to know one another.

    I met my real father as an adult... he looked like me, moved like me, laughed like me. Seeing him answered a lot for me.

  5. I know you have a lot on your plate, but be strong and I hope everything works out wonderfully!

  6. Tammy, this is sooo awesome! First things first, yes,I would bring a gift like a necklace or something that she can hold on to in the future. Second, I am so proud of you for not binging. Third, you CAN handle this and you will do a great job at doing so.

  7. That is so awesome, I'm sure meeting will be just the start of a great friendship :)

  8. Tammy, how wonderful! She will be as nervous as you, so just be yourself and enjoy your visit.

  9. No words of wisdom. I am just commenting to give you a (((hug))).

    I'm so glad that you didn't binge. That is a huge step. :)

  10. Holy woah man. That's some serious, deep stuff! I hope that the meeting goes great. I agree that you should avoid creating any expectations about the meeting in your mind. It will be impossible for your daughter to live up to any expectations, and it's unfair of her to know what those might be. That being said...I hope that you enjoy the moments that you get together. You're right, they might be the last that you get with her. (I hope that they are not!) So enjoy them! I would say, yes, bring her a present, but only something that's meaningful. Like, no silly chotchkey gift, but if you have a little heirloom that you would like to pass down to her, I think that this meeting would be a wonderful time to share something that's meaningful to you and also share with her about her unknown family. Just my opinion! Good luck!

  11. Awesome... Absolutely awesome news :0)
    I'd need a sedative.
    Everything will be fine Tammy.
    All of us in blogland are excited and happy for the two of you.
    Wish I had that will power that you found after getting that news.

    Big (((hugs)))

  12. I'm so excited for you Tammy. I'm sure it will all go just fine.

  13. Tammy, that's wonderful! I hope your meeting with her goes great.

    And a big CONGRATS on not binging. You should be proud of yourself. :)

  14. Tammy, I have been reading your posts for some time but never comment because you have so many friends and followers but wow- you seem like such a nice person and I can't imagine your bio daughter not loving you! You really are an inspiration to others- so honest and introspective.

  15. WTG on not binging Tammy, that's so empowering! Wonderful news on meeting your daughter! Hugs to you and keep us posted :-)

  16. Exciting times. Wishing you all the best and good times ahead.


  17. Wow-how exciting, I can't begin to fathom every emotion you must have. Great job holding off the binge.

  18. Fabulous Fabulous news, I am so happy for you Tammy. Take it gentley for both of your sakes and it will be awesome as you american folk say;)

    Big hugs little sis


  19. That is so amazing, and I'm so excited for you!

  20. WOW! I will be praying for you and good luck with meeting her!

  21. I'm so happy that you're finally going to get to meet your little girl. I have faith it will work out exactly the way it's supposed to. Enjoy every minute of your time together and don't forget to just be yourself (and bring a camera).