Brittany is the child that I got pregnant with at 18 yrs old and adopted out to another family. I wrote a post about it last year...if you want the back story, this is it: http://foodaddict-fromfattofab.blogspot.com/2009/11/dagger-in-my-heart.html.
Ever since I found her on Facebook last year, I've talked to her about once every 6-8 weeks or so...just a short note to say hello and let her know I'm still alive and well, and to make sure she is also. Well I saw her on Facebook last night, and we chatted for a bit. She graduated from high school this year and is starting college in January. After a few minutes of chatting, she said she's been wanting to ask me something and she's been thinking about it for a while now. She asked if I'd be willing to meet her.
(I think I stopped breathing for a moment or two at this point...)
I told her that I'm always available to her for whatever she wants, and yes, I'd love to meet her if she's sure she's ready. She said she will talk to her mom about it first...which I agreed is necessary and the respectful thing to do. She is obviously as nervous about it as I am, because she asked if I minded if she brought her 2 best friends with her. I understood her need for moral support, and told her she's more than welcome to bring her friends. She also said she'd like to meet Dwayne. I told her I will certainly ask him if he'd like to do that, and she said it was perfectly understandable if he didn't...that our (hers and mine) situation were way before he came around....and she understood if he wasn't comfortable. She's so mature...I love that.
I gave her my phone # and told her to text or call whenever's she's talked to her mom and is ready to meet.
Needless to say I got NO sleep last night. My mind was just racing. I texted my mom and Dwayne. They were both asleep and didn't answer. I don't have a problem meeting her at all. It's just the uncertainty of it all that has my mind spinning. We could meet one time...she might just want to settle curiosity and ask some questions...and never see her again. Or it could develop into a friendship where we see each other all along. I just don't know. And I don't know if I'm going to hold it together nicely, or fall apart emotionally the minute I look into my own eyes. And should I take her a gift on our first meeting, or is that too contrived and typical?
I do know that I'm overthinking everything, but when you're in the middle of a situation like this, it's hard not to. I talked to my mom on the phone this morning and told her that I don't feel like I've been on my Zoloft long enough yet to deal with this. My nerves are definitely shot after our conversation and zero sleep last night. She told me in a couple of weeks I'll be leveled out and fine, and that I'll be able to handle everything just fine. I texted Dwayne on his way to work and told him Brittany wanted to meet us and was he up for that. He said yes, he'll meet her, and we'd talk about it tonight when he comes over.
I read in the post above that I linked to provide the back story that I binged over Brittany thoughts last year. Thinking back, I believe that was the last time I had a binge. I think it's been a year. Well last night....during those 6-7 hours of laying in bed, mind racing, conjuring up different scenarios in my head, and not being able to sleep....I felt that frantic feeling that precursors a binge. It's been quite a while since I've felt that. But I didn't give in. I didn't put one drop of anything in my mouth. But I have to tell you...sometimes this "feel your feelings instead of stuffing them down with food" stuff is for the birds. The good news is, even though there's a lot going on in my head right now, I'm glad that guilt from a binge isn't one of the things I'm dealing with.
4 months ago