New Year's Eve Gift

I decided to weigh in this morning instead of tomorrow morning.  Dwayne invited me out for New Year's Eve, and since neither of us is seeing anyone else, why not?  I proved many times before that I can gain 5 lbs overnight from the sodium in a restaurant meal, and I didn't want to deal with that.  I wanted to see what my ACTUAL weight was this week, and I lost 3 lbs!!  I weighed 230.0 lbs this morning.  VERY HAPPY ABOUT THAT, 'cause Lord knows how long it's been since I've seen any kind of loss.  Hope everyone has a safe and happy New Year's Eve!  :)

35 Calorie Snack...But Hurry!

Lyn at Escape From Obesity did a post on clementines and ironically, I just tried them for the first time last week and fell in love.  I'm on my 2nd bag now, so I thought I'd mention them in my post tonight, too, in case you haven't heard of them. 

They are 35 calories each, very sweet, and SEEDLESS, which is my favorite part.  I eat 2 or 3 at a time, and with 3 of them being 105 calories, it beats the hell out of those little 100 calorie snack bags of sugary crap.  There are a couple of different brands out there, but Lyn and I both love the California Cutie brand.  A bag of them is $4.00 at Walmart.  You have to hurry though....Lyn says they're only around through February and you do NOT want to miss out on these little jewels of juiciness!!

I almost had a bad day with the calories today....almost.  I was at 1470 calories before dinner and before I hit the gym at 6pm.  I worked out with Billie, we did 30 minutes on the elliptical which resulted in 2 miles, and then worked out on all of the weight machines.  We got done at 7:15pm and on my way home I had an insane craving for Taco Bell.  This is weird for me because I've never been a huge fan of this place.  But I was having fierce cravings for chicken taquitos and I saw a commercial for some kind of cheesy melty roll-up thing.  But I held strong!!  I drove right past it and got home and grabbed a clementine!!  Now I'm at 1505 cals and I'm fixing to have 2 c. of decaf coffee w/ sugar-free creamer.  1 tbsp in each cup will put me at 1535 cals for the day and I'm perfectly happy with that. 

A big thank you to MB at Why The Weight?  I read a couple of her posts today and found out she sent a letter to Santa asking for things for her blog friends, and I was included.  She asked that I get an extension and a great job.  Well Santa must have got the letter, because I got the extension!  It's supposed to last for 10 more weeks.  From my experience with the Dept of Labor, I've learned that this can change on any given week with absolutely no prior notice, so we'll see what happens.  But for this week, for today, I'm able to pay my bills.  Hooray!! 

Also, thanks to Amy at "The Not So Secret Life...".  She gave me an award a few days ago that I've previously received, so it's already listed on my sidebar.  It's the Superior Scribbler Award.  I was sure to tell Amy that I totally didn't deserve it, lol, but thanked her for her kind heart in thinking I did. 

Great workout at the gym and the calories are looking good.  It's been a good day.  Now if I can just string a month of those good days together, I'll feel like I'm totally back in the game.  :)

A Chilly December Hike

The sun was shining today.  Amazing.  I couldn't wait to get out in it.  I decided to forego the gym today and get my exercise outdoors.  The original plan was to take Scarlette and do a hike at Kolb's Farm Loop which is part of the Kennesaw Mountain Civil War Battlefields.  It's a little over 5 miles long.

I texted Dwayne to let him know what I was doing.  I told him if he didn't hear back from me by dark to send out the troops.  He's had a bad cold for over a week and didn't have a very good Christmas, so he hasn't seen Scarlette in nearly 2 weeks.  I guess he didn't like the thoughts of me hiking such a long trail alone, so he called me and said he was going to meet us there.

I took my camera with me, and managed to get a couple of pics at the start of the trail, but then my camera died.  I was so disappointed.  There's some lovely views along this trail...open fields, tree canopies, creeks...but I didn't get to capture them.  Dwayne still wasn't up to par and not totally over his cold, so we only walked a total of 3 miles today.  I didn't want to push him since he was kind enough to tag along with us to ensure our safety.  He felt really bad that my camera died (he's the one that gave it to me), so as soon as we left the trail, he drove us to a store to buy me another one.  Yay!  Now I'm back in business with my picture taking. 

I took the memory card out of the broken camera and put it in my new one, so I'm going to see if I can download them to this post.

I'm so sore tonight.  I think it's more from being on that dang elliptical 2 days before the hike.  I like the soreness though.  It's been quite a while since my workouts have left me sore the next day.  It excites me.  It means I'm doing something right.  I'll be back in the gym tomorrow night with Billie and we'll both be back on the beast.  I'm determined to work up to a decent workout level on that thing.  And then what??  The Stairmaster (my worst nightmare...climbing stairs indefinitely)???  Well, let's not get too far ahead of ourselves.  :)

Fat Tammy vs. The Elliptical

Calories are at 1560 today....second decent day in a row.  I gotta' tell ya'....once you've been eating like an idiot for a whole month, it's really hard to get back on the wagon.  But the first day is the hardest one, and that was yesterday.  Each day after that gets a little easier...so if you fell off the wagon, too, put your blinders on and get through that first day.  You'll be so glad you did.  :)

Billie wasn't able to go to the gym with me tonight so I went alone.  That's another hard thing to do once you're used to going with a partner, but I've got a goal to reach, so I went.  I hit the elliptical for the 2nd day in a row.  Let's back up to yesterday's battle with the beast so you can fully appreciate today's experience.

Yesterday, it hurt just to stand on it.  Your quads tighten up immediately.  If you've been on one, then you know what I'm talking about.  I had to stop 3 times for a few seconds within the first 10 minutes because of the burn.  I didn't stop at all the last 15 minutes, and had a total of 25 mins on it.  I was amazed I made it that far.  And my speed totally sucked.  I had it between a 2.6 and a 3.0 and that was the absolute best I could do.  And there was no fluid motion like you see the experts doing...gliding like gazelles.  I looked more like an epileptic having a seizure.

I got on it again today, as I will every day I'm at the gym, until I master it like I've done with the treadmill.  I got on it and got started and felt surprisingly good at it....almost graceful.  I glanced down at my speed and I was at a 4.4!!!  It was so weird...like I went to bed last night and woke up magically knowing how to work the elliptical.  Very cool.  I was gliding along, keeping my speed between a 4.0 and a 4.4, and didn't have to stop at all.  I got to about 15 minutes and this guy got on the one beside me.  He had at least 50 lbs more belly fat than I did and I noticed out of the corner of my eye that he seemed to be going WAY faster than I was.  I peeked at his machine and his speed was 8.6!  I was like "Pffft!!  Give it 5 mins and you'll be crawling."  So 5 minutes later I glanced over and his speed was at 9.1!!

Suddenly I lost all my steam.  I was at 20 minutes and wanted to get off so bad.  I couldn't get my speed higher than a 3.2.  It was like that jerk took out a big ol' needle and popped my big balloon, lol.  I couldn't stop though....I did 25 minutes yesterday and I couldn't let myself go backwards, no matter how much I hated the guy beside me.  So I plugged along for 5 more minutes and made it 25 mins for the 2nd day in a row.  Then I went downstairs and did 3 reps on all of the weight machines.  It was a good workout...one I'm proud of. 

When I weighed in last Friday, I changed my goal weight on my little ticker thingy on my sidebar.  I originally started this blog at 272 lbs and said I wanted to get down to 180 lbs.  I changed my mind.  I'm shooting for 170 lbs now.  And there's nothing saying I won't change it again later, lol.  Who knows.  But with the goal weight change, and the 13 lbs I gained....I now have 63 lbs to lose instead of the 40 lbs I had to lose.  Yeah, it's a bit of a bummer...but nothing major.  I started with 92 lbs to lose, so I've still made some progress.  I've also been in the gym for over 2 months, so I'm a lot more fit than I was when I started and I can tell.

I mentioned in a previous post that I'm bringing back my 10 lb/mo goal.  I have every intention of keeping that goal until I hit my goal weight.  The proof is in the pudding, as they say.  When I had this goal at the beginning of my blog, I lost 39 lbs in 4 months.  Those are the kinds of results I want to see.  Not this floundering around crap and the GAINING that's been going on.  It feels good to have a goal again...something to reach for and dangle in front of myself.  It makes a big difference for me.

I've spent the last few hours putting away my Christmas decorations and I'm still only about 70% done.  Once I get everything done and my house back in order with the normal decor back in place, I'll get back to regular commenting on everyone's blogs.  Sorry that I've been out of it for so long.  I can't say that my circumstances are a whole lot better....but my attitude is improving, and that's really the key to everything in life.

It's good to be back.  Thank you to everyone who hung in there with me and didn't write me off.  A special thank you to those of you who sent me private emails and have checked on me all through this hard period.  And a VERY special thank you to my beautiful friend Andrea at Beauty and Old Things, listed on my blogroll.  She just changed her blogname to Fit To Be Seen recently.  She's into photography and she finds such beauty in the simplest of God's creations and shares it with the world.  She sent me the most gorgeous Christmas card with a hand-written message....the only Christmas card I received this year.  Big hugs to you Andrea.  'Nite friends.  :)

I Can't Believe It

I actually had a decent calorie day today!  I came in at 1520 calories, AND....I tackled the elliptical at the gym this morning instead of getting on the treadmill.  I needed a change in the cardio department, and I've never lasted more than 10 miserable minutes on the elliptical.  But I decided I'm going to master that stupid thing.  Billie and I made it 25 minutes today!!  Oh the burn....whole different set of muscles being worked, and I'm still feeling it several hours later....awesome. 

I'm going to put up some pics of my decorations and also of the baby opening her Christmas gifts, and also some pics of her trying to help me open mine, lol.  She's so precious.  :)

Beginning of the End

I weigh 233.0 this morning for ANOTHER gain of 2 lbs.  I seriously thought about giving myself a Christmas present and skipping this weigh-in altogether.  But I changed my mind.  After all, I needed to know where I started from when I show a LOSS next week.  This is the end of the gaining.  I have no doubt about that.  I've spent all week mulling over the changes that I'll be starting tomorrow morning, honing my determination, gathering my focus.  I'm really looking forward to tomorrow morning. :)

I've got some Christmas pics I'm going to try to post.  We'll see how many of them came out.  I took some of my holiday baking, although not everything I made.  I tried my hand at making some homemade gifts this year.  I painted 4 different wooden items to give away as gifts last night.  The first one was a "Noel" sign that I tried to stencil.  It took me HOURS to fix the mistakes on it, so I threw out the stencils and decided to just free-hand the rest of them.  I kept the "Noel" sign for myself because I didn't think it was cute enough, and gave the other 3 items as gifts.  I have very little experience with painting so no laughing!!!  And I've got a couple of pics from Christmas Eve dinner at Mom's house, although none of them include me.  :)

I have a lot more pics to show you but I'll save them til the next post since there's already a lot here.  I'm going to my sister's house this afternoon for Christmas Day dinner with the family.  I'll be taking more pics there also.  Hope everyone is having a wonderful, magical time with their families.  :)

Coming Out Of The Dark

I'm feeling a little better these days. I know I haven't been posting regularly and I miss it. I have a TON of stuff to tell you, so get comfy.

Have I figured out how NOT to stress eat or eat when I'm depressed yet? No, I'm afraid I haven't. But I know I want to. I want to keep trying until I get it right. It's taking way longer than I wanted it to, and it embarasses me to admit to my weaknesses. That whole honesty thing just kills me sometimes...it really does. But honesty is important...especially when you're talking about being honest with yourself.

Looking in the mirror and really confronting just how screwed up you are is a painful process. Climbing up the scale to my highest point of 340 lbs. was about a 20 year process. I guess it might have been a little too much to expect of myself to turn it all around in 6 months. Some people get it right that fast...and some of us don't. I keep telling myself the really important thing is to keep at it until I get it right. One of my favorite sayings is "You don't drown by falling in the water...you drown by staying there."

All of you have been watching me slowly drown over the last few weeks. I got down to 222 lbs. and as of last Friday, I'm all the way back up to 231 lbs. Time to climb out of the damn water Tammy.

Even though I haven't been commenting on blogs a lot lately, I've still been reading a good bit. I've found a lot of inspiration. My dear friend Kari at Fat [Free] Me hit her goal weight this week. I cried tears of pride for her. She has been so dedicated, so determined, and she did it. She's dealt with her share of emotional turmoil, physical problems, ailments, and job stresses along the way but she was not deterred. She had a goal and she worked her cute little butt off until she reached it. She's got her size 12 jeans pic up and she's just gorgeous....so very proud of her. She's a real joy and has been one of my biggest inspirations since I found Blogland back in June.

Another blogger friend, who is a Christian like me, is sending me a book out of the goodness of her heart. She emailed me privately to offer me some encouragement, as many of you have done, and she let me know of the gift she's sending. I don't want to mention her name because I don't know if she wants her personal business or generosity shared on my public blog. She knows who she is and I'm so deeply touched by her kindness and good heart. She is making fantastic strides on her own journey and I just love following her progress. She's showing me that I need to remember to lean on God. He wants to help me, if I'll only let Him. Thank you, my beautiful friend.

One of the blogs I try to keep up with is Sean's blog...The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser. He constantly inspires me....mostly because he never tires of telling us how simple it can be, and how incredibly wonderful it is to reap the rewards of your efforts. And he's right. I was really enjoying my ride down the scale....and it really doesn't have to be as hard as I've made it, especially of late. I haven't developed any other coping mechanisms yet, but I sure need to. It doesn't help me in the least to have a pile of problems that are out of my control...and then watch myself eat my way back up the scale....the one thing I know I CAN control. I'm really going to start working on this.

I want to get back to basics with the weight loss. I've been in the gym at least 4-5 days every week, even through these hard times. I haven't always wanted to be, but I was trying to do at least one thing right. But I need to simplify things with the food. And I'm bringing back my 10 lb/mo. goal for January. I was looking at my sidebar and my monthly losses/gains. I had a 10 lb/mo goal for the first 4 months of this blog, and I lost 39 lbs in 4 months. Not bad. I dropped it after that and I haven't done a damn thing right since in the way of weight loss. I've been screwing around for almost 3 months. That's 3 months of wasted time, floundering, sadness, self-pity, no focus or concentrated efforts....a total, disappointing waste. And I'm the only one that can change it.

There's still a lot of negative crap surrounding me. I get my last paycheck this Wednesday. I have a slim chance at one more extension. If I get it, it will last for 11 more weeks, which would take me into March. If I don't get it....yikes. This is where Dwayne comes back into the picture.

He hasn't been totally out of the picture, because as I explained before, we're still "friends" and he still visits Scarlette, pays for all her needs, buys her toys, etc. He's still Daddy. But we're still in "break-up" status as far as he and I are concerned. If I wanted to get down to the nuts and bolts of it....I think he just wasn't ready to commit to marriage and I was just tired of waiting. That's when I broke it off a week before Thanksgiving.

He called me about 10 minutes after I left the Dept. of Labor a couple of weeks ago, when I found out that my extension had been cut short by nearly 3 months & only had 2 paychecks left. I was crying so hard I couldn't catch my breath. All I could think about was not being able to pay the rent and keep on the lights, having to move in with someone and sleep on their couch, having to give away my Scarlette (who, on many days, has been the ONLY reason I've gotten out of bed in the mornings). I vomited it all out and told him I'm just so scared. He said to give him a little time to think and he'd call me back.

He came over the next night and looked at my budget. He said he'd do whatever he could to help keep me afloat and make sure I don't have to lose Scarlette. He told me that he dropped his 401k that day and is now funneling that money back into his paycheck just to have a little more to help me with. He looked at my budget, and although he was shocked at how "bare bones" I've been living, it's still more than he can afford to pay for, and still pay all of his own bills. He was suddenly aware of how quickly I could become destitute, and might have to give Scarlette away. When that fully hit him, he cried. I've never seen him cry in the entire 5 1/2 yrs we dated. Ever. And I don't mean he shed a tear or two.......we cried together for nearly an hour and a half over how bad things were. He apologized to me that I was having to go through this alone (meaning when I heard about losing the pay the day before and him not being up here with me until the next night).

I find out on Dec. 30th whether or not I got the extension. If I don't, the plan is to take any job I can possibly find. Accounting is now out the window and we're talking McDonald's. I keep hearing from previous co-workers of mine that they can't even find retail right now. The unemployment rate in Georgia is 10.2%. It's bad. The truth of the matter is, I've been applying for office/accounting/administrative jobs and sending out resumes for 10 months now and have not had one single call for an interview. With losing the unemployment check, things have really been looking and feeling pretty hopeless.

I haven't even been on the scale in the last couple of days but I feel like I'm still gaining. I'll do pretty good all through the day, and then get to night time where I sit and think about everything and the eating goes to hell. I've been beating myself up daily over it...now it's a matter of finding other ways to deal, because the truth is, things are probably going to get worse before they get better as far as the stresses in my life are concerned. I'm just adding to the problem with the weight gain and I do know that. I want to change it. I haven't even told myself to hell with it...I'll just start over Jan. 1st. I'm still trying every day....I'm just still failing every day.

So this is where I'm at and what's going on in my world right now. I will eventually get back on track and my positive posts will return. I miss them! Thanks to all of you for hanging with me....don't count me out....I'll make a comeback...and it'll be an awesome one. :)

The Ugly Truth

I weigh 231 lbs this morning. I was 226.4 last Friday, so I'm up 5.6 lbs. Let me see if I can put a positive spin on this since I'm tired of all my depressing posts. I was up 8 lbs on Monday morning, so I stopped gaining at least. Started to pull the reigns back in the last few days. I've been to the gym 4 out of the last 5 days and going again this morning. Yes, I know (Jack!), things are going in the wrong direction. Hoping to get fully focused again soon. I'm not giving up.

Just Checking In

Well yesterday was better than today, calorie-wise. Yesterday was 1700, but today was 2,000. Still trying to get a grip. I've been pretty weepy today. Aside from having no paycheck next week and not knowing when I'll find a job, a lot of of it has to do with the holiday season.

I've mentioned before that Christmas is my favorite time of year. I love everything about it. Due to the stress going on in my life, I've felt out of touch this year. I had my family dinner, but I didn't enjoy it like I normally do. My dad and brother-in-law couldn't make it, and the kids drove me completely bonkers. I have 4 nieces and nephews, all age 4 and under. They LOVE Scarlette. They love to follow her around the house, pick her up, and they always end up dropping her......on the hardwood floor. Or falling on the sofa with her and bending her neck backwards. Scarlette is my only baby and I'm completely obsessive over her. Nobody understands that. Nobody. Makes me crazy.

Due to my paychecks ending with only 2 weeks notice, my Christmas shopping was cut severely short.....severely. I'm really sad about not being out in the hustle and bustle of it all. I especially love shopping at night, in the crisp air, with all the lights glowing, and holiday music playing in every store. I know I could "window" shop, but I'm afraid that would be even more depressing.

I did my holiday baking that I normally do, and it only took my first batch of cookies to realize that I didn't have my normal taste testers here. Shane is always at Billie's house now, and Dwayne is quite obviously absent. So I was baking alone, with no one to taste-test. It was just different this year....lonely.

I got in another workout tonight. That's 3 days in a row. I want to say I'm proud of that, but tonight I became painfully aware of something. It's time to concede that my right knee is just shot for life. I'm not even trying to jog anymore, and haven't in a few weeks. It's just too painful. For the last 3 workouts, just WALKING has been painful. I use one of those state-of-the-art, bouncy treadmills that are supposed to be almost as low-impact as the elliptical. Still hurts....way too much. I'm not willing to give up walking so I'm guess I'm looking at a knee replacement one of these years. Yee hah.

Another thing about being on the treadmill is really irritating me. They have a chart on there that says for my weight and height and age, I should have my heart rate at 147. Well....I can walk my butt off on that thing and can't get it anywhere near that. I was walking at a speed of 3.8 tonight at an incline of 15% and the highest my heart rate got was 124. I was sweating like a pig in mid-July, gasping for breath to keep up that pace at that incline, and was downright pissed that I couldn't get my heart rate up. Someone who knows about this stuff....please tell me what the hell that means and what I need to be doing.

Bearfriend emailed me tonight and suggested something I've been thinking about in the last week. She suggested doing some volunteer work during the holidays....that helping others would make me feel better, get me out of the house, help me not to be lonely, and get to enjoy the important things about the season. She couldn't be more right, and I've been considering it. I finally asked my roommate Shane tonight how to find out about stuff like that, and he told me about a program here in my county that he heard about, so I'm going to try and find out more info about it tomorrow. I also get to go to my 4 year old niece's Christmas play tomorrow morning at her school. I'm looking forward to that.

So that's it for now. Got on the scale again today....still 234. Painful to report, but it's the truth. 'Nite friends.

Yikes

I checked the scale today. Up to 234.0. Good grief. That's up 8 lbs from Friday. One of these days I'm going to figure out how to separate my eating from stress and depression. I hope it's sooner rather than later.

I guess the only way to completely fail at this is to completely give up. Throw in the towel. Admit defeat....and quit.

But I'm not planning on quitting. I might be de-railed right now, but it's not going to last forever. You know what the great thing is about Rock Bottom? That's right....there's nowhere left to go but up.

I'll definitely be back by Friday to post my weigh-in, but I'm hoping to be back sooner. I really need a lifeline to hold onto right now and I want that to be my blog. Trying to get back in the groove. I'm afraid the struggle is back to one hour at a time right now. I hate going backwards like this, but at least I'm not quitting. I'm proud of the weight I've lost so far, and it's just enough to let me know that I don't want to go backwards. I want to keep fighting....scratching, clawing...whatever I have to do to get things back on the upswing.

If you're a praying person, please send one up for me. There is power in prayer. That, I am sure of. 'Nite friends.

I've Got Bigger Problems Than This

I weigh 226.4 this morning for a slight gain of .4 of a lb. As the title of this post says though, I've got bigger problems than this.

I found out on Wednesday that the unemployment check extension that I've got, that was supposed to last through March, has been shortened. It now ends on Dec. 23. Two weeks. I have two weeks of pay left and then that's it. I don't know if my parents will let me live here on just Shane's half of the rent, so I don't know if I'll be moving soon or what. I haven't slept much in the last 2 days, trying to figure out what I'm going to do. There is a chance at a last extension after this one ends on Dec. 23. I can apply for it online on Dec. 24th, once my account has a 0 balance. However, the counselor at the Dept of Labor told me not to count on getting it, that many people don't get it, and to assume that I won't get it. So much for giving me hope. If I did manage to get it, it would "supposedly" last for 11 more weeks. But I can't really trust that, because they just shortened my current extension by 3 months....so......what they say is pretty much crap.

So this is where I'm at and what's going on. I'm supposed to be having my family over for a Christmas dinner tonight here at my house, but all progress towards preparing for that halted 2 days ago so I don't how the dinner is going to turn out. Usually I'm so organized and right on top of these things. This week....not so much. Everyone will be here at 6pm though, so I need to get to my chores and try to remember what all needs to be done beforehand.

I hope everone is having a happy, stress-free, enjoyable holiday season.

The Christmas That Wasn't

I'm going to share a Christmas story with you that has been on my heart this season, as it is every holiday season. I promise I'll mention weight loss somewhere later in this post, lol.

I have the most generous, loving, sacrificing parents in the entire world. My Dad is just as loving, supportive, positive, and sacrificing as Mom, but tonight, the story is about Mom. There was a time when Mom was forgotten...and I vowed it would never happen again. But every year as the holidays roll around I remember the story so I decided to share it tonight. (We also forgot Dad once on his birthday, but I'll save that for another time, since this is a Christmas story, lol.)

One Christmas, many years ago (I think I was in my early 20's), money was tight. Tighter than tight. It was completely non-existent. The unfortunate thing about this particular year is that not only me, but also my two sisters were absolutely flat broke. Now my parents have said for as many years as I can remember, "You girls don't have to get us anything...don't spend your money on us...our joy comes from having you home with us on the holidays". Yeah, yeah, we know, but you're our parents, we love you, and you know we're going to get you something.

Well not this particular year. There's been times all through life when one of us 3 girls were having a hard time financially and it was no big deal. The other 2 knew it, and they just picked up the slack for the rest of the family. I think this year I'm referring to, a couple of us lived out of state, and it was all we could do just to afford to get home for Christmas. We didn't bring any gifts, only I don't think that any of us realized it beforehand. My memory is a little foggy, but the one thing that I do remember, and will never forget, is that when Christmas morning came, and we were all opening gifts from our parents, etc.....someone noticed that Mom only had one gift. I don't remember it being that way for Dad...someone must of managed to give him a couple of small things. But Mom only had one.....and I'm guessing it came from Dad.

Well one of us pointed it out (I think it was me), and my Dad started crying. Oh dear Lord. That was it. The whole family crumbled. Me and my sisters just boo-hoo'd like you wouldn't believe. Mom was a little shocked and kind of started laughing, thinking we were being silly....telling us that her gift was all of us being there with her on Christmas morning. So selfless, so full of love for us....so, MOM. That just made us cry even harder.

My mom is the best mom in the entire world. Seriously. I've only found one other mom that comes close to mirroring her in my entire 37 years of living, and that's Pam's mom. I call her my 2nd mom, and have since high school.

Mom's just done so much for our family. She's the glue that holds it together. I don't want to give specific details of all the circumstances that she's had to deal with through the years, but trust me.....she is just amazing. She gives so much of herself.....all of herself, really. Life has thrown her some crazy curve balls, and she's fielded every one of them. She still is. Every day.

That Christmas morning, so many years ago, I vowed that from then on, no matter HOW BAD things got financially, as long as I have breath in me, Mom will always have Christmas gifts. It doesn't matter how small or how inexpensive....heck, I think I've even wrapped her up a couple of candy bars before, lol. But I will always make sure Mom has an exciting Christmas morning unwrapping gifts. Everyone deserves gifts, but no one more than her. My sisters share the same sentiment, especially my sister Brandy, and every year since then, there's been a kind of unspoken competition to see who can get mom the best gift. The way we judge who's is better is by which one makes her smile the brightest, or better yet, which one makes her cry, lol.

Brandy thought she had me beat one year, by having some woman she knew make a couple of beautiful poinsettia candle rings, and crochet an afghan for her. What Brandy didn't know is that I had been working on Mom's gift for MONTHS ahead of time. I sewed Mom a memory quilt, got my sister Amy to help me steal some photographs out of the family photo album from when we were each around 4-5 years old, and I transferred the images onto the quilts. At the top in the center, I had Mom and Dad's wedding photo.

I watched as Mom opened Brandy's gift first, and she gushed over them while Brandy gave me a smug smile. I just smiled back and waited patiently for my turn. Mom opened my gift.....and there came the tears. YES!! YES!! YES!! Another successful Christmas, lol. The look of jealous rage on Brandy's face was almost worth more than my dear Mother's tear-stained smile, lol.

So....time to tie this into the weight loss, lol. I haven't bought groceries in the last 2 weeks. Mom found out yesterday, and brought $50 over here for me, and my sister and I went to store today and bought some meats on sale. I was trying to stretch the money as far as I can, and meats last longer in the freezer than fresh produce does. I've been spending every spare dime I have on Christmas gifts for my family and a couple of close friends, like Shane and Billie.

I know my sweet mother is going to read this tomorrow morning and it's going to be Guilt City....but I don't care. There will always be gifts on Christmas!! I've managed to get each of my parents, my 2 sisters, my bro-in-law, and my 4 nieces and nephews a couple of inexpensive gifts each. And one thing each for Shane and Billie. But the eating has TOTALLY suffered.

Since I haven't had any fresh produce or dairy in the house in a couple of weeks, I've been eating from the stockpile in the freezer and the pantry.....which means what? Meats and carbs...pasta, rice, etc. The carb group is a major trigger for me, and something I normally eat very little of since I started losing weight 6 months ago. I've been eating more than I should of them.

I'm afraid it's going to be a rough month for weight loss, but not for the normal reasons that everyone else in Blogland has been freaking out about. It's not due to too many holiday parties (not going to any), or too many baked goods (I haven't been given any & I haven't eaten any of what I've baked for family members). I'm just broke, and I'm off my game right now. I haven't stopped caring, I'm not bingeing, it's not like that.

I am still sad over Dwayne. I guess it's been about 3 weeks now since the break-up, and the truth is, at some point during the day (usually at night), I find myself in tears. I haven't gone a whole day yet without crying. But I have noticed that the frequency is diminishing. In other words, I'm not sobbing ALL DAY LONG, like I was doing. So I guess that means things are a little better. I'm just trying to get through the holidays without him, and it's just the saddest thing. That probably has something to do with not focusing on more creative meals this month. I know I saw a bag of broccoli and a bag of brussel sprouts in the freezer. Those are veggies I could and should be eating. Maybe some time this week.

There is one thing that I'm clinging to and that's my gym membership. I am totally getting my $15 monthly dues-worth out of those people. I didn't go last week due to being so sick. But I went back Friday and have been there all 4 days so far this week. My workouts have been at least 1 1/2 hours long each time. So at least I'm getting half of the equation right. I'm glad about that.

So I guess I'm just putting it on cruise control, trying to navigate through the sadness of being without Dwayne and everything that goes along with that during the holidays. I don't think I'll have any serious gains, because as I said, I'm not bingeing or eating like a complete and total moron. Things are just a little off. Naturally, I'll still be reporting my weigh-ins on Friday morning and we'll just see what happens. I'm looking forward to brighter days ahead, possibly new job openings come January, new beginnings all the way around. :)

Rebounding & Realization

The scale says 226.0 this morning for a loss of 6 lbs. I'm very happy with that. Now it's time to whittle away at the rest of that gain from last week so I can get back to where I was.

I'll be back in the gym this week, starting tonight, so I'm keeping my calories at 1700 this time.

I was very disappointed that I had to post that gain last week....disappointed that I earned that gain. But I also realized something this past week. I turned it around in one week. That's huge for me. That tells me that I'm learning and actually making progress, whereas before I started this blog and The Decision to lose the weight for good, I would have stuffed my face for weeks or months on end. I wouldn't have cared that I was creating an even bigger problem by expanding my obesity.

Now I care. I'm aware of what goes in my body and the direct results it has on it. I wish I could say I've got it all down pat, but I obviously don't. But I'm thankful for the progress...I'm thankful I've actually learned something in these last 6 months, and that it's not about just dropping a few lbs....it's about the process. It's about figuring out how I got obese in the first place, and changing those things along the way, so that I end up with a different ending than the one I was destined for just a few short months ago.

Now I have hope. Things are going to get better. Despite the bad days, I'm on the right path. I'm getting there. I'm so glad I'm finally getting it right. :)

If you need a laugh, head on over to Alix's blog at Casa Hice. She's listed on my Blogroll (I suck at setting up links in my post). I've always said that Jack Sh*t is the funniest person that I've run across in Blogland, but I gotta' tell ya'....it looks like Alix just might rival Jack. Go read her post from yesterday about looking for a replacement for her husband.....the kicker is that the comments are even funnier than the post. Effing hilarious stuff....very clever. :)

Bunches of Blog Awards

I am so humbled, as well as embarassed, right now. Over the last couple of weeks, some of my excellent friends here in Blogland have bestowed some very special awards on me and I've been too wrapped up in my own mess to go pick them up or show my appreciation for them on my blog. Please forgive my absence and non-acknowledgement.

I'm still pretty sick and haven't made it back to the gym since Sunday. I was feeling better this morning, but as the afternoon wore on, so did my umphh. I just want this crap in my chest that I keep hacking up to GO AWAY. Here's my calorie update:

Friday 1500
Saturday 1409
Sunday 1550
Monday 1544
Today 1560

I'm still hanging in there calorie-wise, but today has been rough on the eating front. My appetite has been raging all day and I've had thoughts of ordering a pizza and eating the entire thing. Which, by the way, I haven't ordered a pizza in 6 months....not since I started blogging. But I sure thought about it today. I think I'm done eating for the day, but no promises just yet. That scale better have moved downward by Friday morning, or Friday night will be full of pizza and beer, lol. Totally kidding....kinda'.

My friend at 266, who has emailed me personally, has also blessed me with not one, but TWO awards. Many, many thanks to her for thinking my blog is worthy. And PLEASE don't make me follow the rules on any of these. I'm doing my best just to get these posted w/o letting any snot drip on my keyboard.

The significant milestone award was given to me for losing enough weight to finally fit on and ride roller coasters for the first time in 20 years. I'm still tickled over that.

Jen at Watch My Butt Shrink gave me the Superior Scribbler award:

I can't say that I'd call my scribbling superior....toilet paper, maybe? But I'm thankful nonetheless to Jen for thinking of me and passing this honor along. :)

Friend of the Bear, who has sent me personal emails several times during this rough time, and even before that, has blessed me with 2 awards:

...and another beautiful Deborah award....

I don't know what to say other than thank you from the bottom of my tattered heart. If I could hug all of you, I would....but then again, you probably don't want my cooties right now. :)

Things are going to get better for me soon....I can feel it. I feel sure that 2010 is going to be a much better year for me in many, many ways...but at the same time, I'm thankful worlds over for the weight loss that 2009 brought me. It's going to propel me into bigger, better and brighter things in the year ahead, and I'm glad I have all of you to share it with. :)