Coming Out Of The Dark

I'm feeling a little better these days. I know I haven't been posting regularly and I miss it. I have a TON of stuff to tell you, so get comfy.

Have I figured out how NOT to stress eat or eat when I'm depressed yet? No, I'm afraid I haven't. But I know I want to. I want to keep trying until I get it right. It's taking way longer than I wanted it to, and it embarasses me to admit to my weaknesses. That whole honesty thing just kills me sometimes...it really does. But honesty is important...especially when you're talking about being honest with yourself.

Looking in the mirror and really confronting just how screwed up you are is a painful process. Climbing up the scale to my highest point of 340 lbs. was about a 20 year process. I guess it might have been a little too much to expect of myself to turn it all around in 6 months. Some people get it right that fast...and some of us don't. I keep telling myself the really important thing is to keep at it until I get it right. One of my favorite sayings is "You don't drown by falling in the water...you drown by staying there."

All of you have been watching me slowly drown over the last few weeks. I got down to 222 lbs. and as of last Friday, I'm all the way back up to 231 lbs. Time to climb out of the damn water Tammy.

Even though I haven't been commenting on blogs a lot lately, I've still been reading a good bit. I've found a lot of inspiration. My dear friend Kari at Fat [Free] Me hit her goal weight this week. I cried tears of pride for her. She has been so dedicated, so determined, and she did it. She's dealt with her share of emotional turmoil, physical problems, ailments, and job stresses along the way but she was not deterred. She had a goal and she worked her cute little butt off until she reached it. She's got her size 12 jeans pic up and she's just gorgeous....so very proud of her. She's a real joy and has been one of my biggest inspirations since I found Blogland back in June.

Another blogger friend, who is a Christian like me, is sending me a book out of the goodness of her heart. She emailed me privately to offer me some encouragement, as many of you have done, and she let me know of the gift she's sending. I don't want to mention her name because I don't know if she wants her personal business or generosity shared on my public blog. She knows who she is and I'm so deeply touched by her kindness and good heart. She is making fantastic strides on her own journey and I just love following her progress. She's showing me that I need to remember to lean on God. He wants to help me, if I'll only let Him. Thank you, my beautiful friend.

One of the blogs I try to keep up with is Sean's blog...The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser. He constantly inspires me....mostly because he never tires of telling us how simple it can be, and how incredibly wonderful it is to reap the rewards of your efforts. And he's right. I was really enjoying my ride down the scale....and it really doesn't have to be as hard as I've made it, especially of late. I haven't developed any other coping mechanisms yet, but I sure need to. It doesn't help me in the least to have a pile of problems that are out of my control...and then watch myself eat my way back up the scale....the one thing I know I CAN control. I'm really going to start working on this.

I want to get back to basics with the weight loss. I've been in the gym at least 4-5 days every week, even through these hard times. I haven't always wanted to be, but I was trying to do at least one thing right. But I need to simplify things with the food. And I'm bringing back my 10 lb/mo. goal for January. I was looking at my sidebar and my monthly losses/gains. I had a 10 lb/mo goal for the first 4 months of this blog, and I lost 39 lbs in 4 months. Not bad. I dropped it after that and I haven't done a damn thing right since in the way of weight loss. I've been screwing around for almost 3 months. That's 3 months of wasted time, floundering, sadness, self-pity, no focus or concentrated efforts....a total, disappointing waste. And I'm the only one that can change it.

There's still a lot of negative crap surrounding me. I get my last paycheck this Wednesday. I have a slim chance at one more extension. If I get it, it will last for 11 more weeks, which would take me into March. If I don't get it....yikes. This is where Dwayne comes back into the picture.

He hasn't been totally out of the picture, because as I explained before, we're still "friends" and he still visits Scarlette, pays for all her needs, buys her toys, etc. He's still Daddy. But we're still in "break-up" status as far as he and I are concerned. If I wanted to get down to the nuts and bolts of it....I think he just wasn't ready to commit to marriage and I was just tired of waiting. That's when I broke it off a week before Thanksgiving.

He called me about 10 minutes after I left the Dept. of Labor a couple of weeks ago, when I found out that my extension had been cut short by nearly 3 months & only had 2 paychecks left. I was crying so hard I couldn't catch my breath. All I could think about was not being able to pay the rent and keep on the lights, having to move in with someone and sleep on their couch, having to give away my Scarlette (who, on many days, has been the ONLY reason I've gotten out of bed in the mornings). I vomited it all out and told him I'm just so scared. He said to give him a little time to think and he'd call me back.

He came over the next night and looked at my budget. He said he'd do whatever he could to help keep me afloat and make sure I don't have to lose Scarlette. He told me that he dropped his 401k that day and is now funneling that money back into his paycheck just to have a little more to help me with. He looked at my budget, and although he was shocked at how "bare bones" I've been living, it's still more than he can afford to pay for, and still pay all of his own bills. He was suddenly aware of how quickly I could become destitute, and might have to give Scarlette away. When that fully hit him, he cried. I've never seen him cry in the entire 5 1/2 yrs we dated. Ever. And I don't mean he shed a tear or two.......we cried together for nearly an hour and a half over how bad things were. He apologized to me that I was having to go through this alone (meaning when I heard about losing the pay the day before and him not being up here with me until the next night).

I find out on Dec. 30th whether or not I got the extension. If I don't, the plan is to take any job I can possibly find. Accounting is now out the window and we're talking McDonald's. I keep hearing from previous co-workers of mine that they can't even find retail right now. The unemployment rate in Georgia is 10.2%. It's bad. The truth of the matter is, I've been applying for office/accounting/administrative jobs and sending out resumes for 10 months now and have not had one single call for an interview. With losing the unemployment check, things have really been looking and feeling pretty hopeless.

I haven't even been on the scale in the last couple of days but I feel like I'm still gaining. I'll do pretty good all through the day, and then get to night time where I sit and think about everything and the eating goes to hell. I've been beating myself up daily over it...now it's a matter of finding other ways to deal, because the truth is, things are probably going to get worse before they get better as far as the stresses in my life are concerned. I'm just adding to the problem with the weight gain and I do know that. I want to change it. I haven't even told myself to hell with it...I'll just start over Jan. 1st. I'm still trying every day....I'm just still failing every day.

So this is where I'm at and what's going on in my world right now. I will eventually get back on track and my positive posts will return. I miss them! Thanks to all of you for hanging with me....don't count me out....I'll make a comeback...and it'll be an awesome one. :)