A food addict's travels on the road to recovery.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Just Checking In

Well yesterday was better than today, calorie-wise. Yesterday was 1700, but today was 2,000. Still trying to get a grip. I've been pretty weepy today. Aside from having no paycheck next week and not knowing when I'll find a job, a lot of of it has to do with the holiday season.

I've mentioned before that Christmas is my favorite time of year. I love everything about it. Due to the stress going on in my life, I've felt out of touch this year. I had my family dinner, but I didn't enjoy it like I normally do. My dad and brother-in-law couldn't make it, and the kids drove me completely bonkers. I have 4 nieces and nephews, all age 4 and under. They LOVE Scarlette. They love to follow her around the house, pick her up, and they always end up dropping her......on the hardwood floor. Or falling on the sofa with her and bending her neck backwards. Scarlette is my only baby and I'm completely obsessive over her. Nobody understands that. Nobody. Makes me crazy.

Due to my paychecks ending with only 2 weeks notice, my Christmas shopping was cut severely short.....severely. I'm really sad about not being out in the hustle and bustle of it all. I especially love shopping at night, in the crisp air, with all the lights glowing, and holiday music playing in every store. I know I could "window" shop, but I'm afraid that would be even more depressing.

I did my holiday baking that I normally do, and it only took my first batch of cookies to realize that I didn't have my normal taste testers here. Shane is always at Billie's house now, and Dwayne is quite obviously absent. So I was baking alone, with no one to taste-test. It was just different this year....lonely.

I got in another workout tonight. That's 3 days in a row. I want to say I'm proud of that, but tonight I became painfully aware of something. It's time to concede that my right knee is just shot for life. I'm not even trying to jog anymore, and haven't in a few weeks. It's just too painful. For the last 3 workouts, just WALKING has been painful. I use one of those state-of-the-art, bouncy treadmills that are supposed to be almost as low-impact as the elliptical. Still hurts....way too much. I'm not willing to give up walking so I'm guess I'm looking at a knee replacement one of these years. Yee hah.

Another thing about being on the treadmill is really irritating me. They have a chart on there that says for my weight and height and age, I should have my heart rate at 147. Well....I can walk my butt off on that thing and can't get it anywhere near that. I was walking at a speed of 3.8 tonight at an incline of 15% and the highest my heart rate got was 124. I was sweating like a pig in mid-July, gasping for breath to keep up that pace at that incline, and was downright pissed that I couldn't get my heart rate up. Someone who knows about this stuff....please tell me what the hell that means and what I need to be doing.

Bearfriend emailed me tonight and suggested something I've been thinking about in the last week. She suggested doing some volunteer work during the holidays....that helping others would make me feel better, get me out of the house, help me not to be lonely, and get to enjoy the important things about the season. She couldn't be more right, and I've been considering it. I finally asked my roommate Shane tonight how to find out about stuff like that, and he told me about a program here in my county that he heard about, so I'm going to try and find out more info about it tomorrow. I also get to go to my 4 year old niece's Christmas play tomorrow morning at her school. I'm looking forward to that.

So that's it for now. Got on the scale again today....still 234. Painful to report, but it's the truth. 'Nite friends.


  1. Oh Tammy, I'm sorry you're not having a good holiday season this year. Things will get better, but I wish it was sooner for you than later.

    As far as people playing with Scarlette too roughly or carelessly, expain to them that she's like a baby to you (assuming you already haven't). I get it, and other's should respect that.

    About the exercising--it's great that you're having a harder time getting your heart rate up! I know it's annoying you, but that's a really good sign that you've become a lot more fit. Two things you can try that are no impact for your knees and that I guarantee will get your heart rate up quick are spinning classes and swimming. Swimming is a great all over workout, and it's incredible how easily it can tire a person out. And it won't hurt your knees a bit! Spinning classes are really great, too, I don't think they would bother your knees at all because it's just technically riding a stationary bike, but they are a CHALLENGE. I've known a lot of people though that are overweight that do the class, so I'm sure you could do it. They're tough, but fun at the same time, and if you can get through it I'm sure you'd feel a great sense of accomplishment afterward. I hope this helps. I'm sending good vibes your way. :)

  2. I have had such a hard time getting in sync with the festive spirit this year too. Obviously you have lots of reasons to feel off, whereas I am more just experiencing the pressure of the extreme time crunch, but it really does just feel off, right? Thinking of you, my friend...

  3. I was told yesterday that I must only have 1 350 calories a day...when I had my bodyfat check...the machine automatically gives you the calories allowed.
    That's a lot less than you are able to eat and still lose.

  4. I am with you on the restricted budget and job situation - it is really getting me stressed. I am finding living alone a lot harder this year too.

    No idea about the heart rate thing - you must be very healthy! More speed and incline maybe?

    Hugs xx

  5. Don't be sad! Don't be lonely! God and I are thinking of you today.

  6. Oh Tammy, all of this is making you strong. This too will pass, and you will see your bigger, brighter future. The scale....I have had days....many days in a row, where no matter what I did, that scale would not budge. Just stay on track I would say to myself....and eventually, the weight would drop. Hang in there my friend...hugs, Kathleen

  7. Hi Tammy - Mainly I want to send you a hug and a hang in there. The idea of volunteering is great, and it really does get us out of ourselves for a time.

    About the knee - I sympathize and encourage you to take it easy. My trainer said the recumbent bike is a pretty good machine for knees, but you have to let your body guide you.
    Like so many others, I'm thinking of you. You're doing pretty darn good all things considered.

  8. Do you wear a heart rate monitor? If not it really sounds like you are getting your heart rate up and the machine is just not giving you the correct number.

    As for the knees, just make sure you're not doing more to damage them (my doc said no squats or lunges). I too can't really jog much because of my knees. I do a prescribed set of exercises for my leg strength training too so I don't do more damage to them. At our age we definitely don't want a knee replacement yet so I would just do what doesn't hurt it to much. With the treadmill I don't put the incline past 10 usually because that will start the weird angle that will hurt my left knee. It's all about finding what works best with the least amount of pain.

    I'm sorry you're not feeling Christmasy this year. I think friendofbear's idea to do charity work is a great one. I'm sure you would feel so good about doing for others.

    Hang in there Tammy *hugs*.

  9. Tammy, I feel your pain. My husband and I are both out of work right now and money is pretty much nonexistent. But I decided that I was going to surround myself with holiday cheer and I decorated each room in the house that I use on a daily basis. Just touches here and there. I also did "stocking stuffer" shopping. Small, cheaper items that I knew I could atleast put in stockings so that I felt I was getting something for my family. Still at 234 is so much better than having gained. Hang in there, it will get better!
    Volunteering would be such an awesome was to celebrate the holidays. Let us know what you decide to do!

  10. Tammy,

    I have a husband and 14 year old, plus 3 dogs...and yet being lonely is something I face on a daily basis. It's tough.

    http://www.voa.org/ Volunteers of America.

    Like bbubblyb asked, are you wearing a heart rate monitor? I don't know that I'd trust the readouts of machines. Go by what your body tells you. If you're sweating, you're good. I don't know how you walk on a treadmill, but someting to help raise your heartrate would be to carry weights in your hand as you walk. I do have a rebounder that I bounce on, and in order to get my heart rate up high enough, I hold 3-pound weights in both hands. It makes a big difference!

    I wish I could wave a magic wand and make everything better for you. I know you're hurting. I'm sorry. Sometimes life stinks--but sometimes we go through tough times only to find better after the dust settles. Kind of like one door closes and another opens. It's just hard to recognize that when you're under the dark cloud.


  11. Hi Tammy. Really well done on getting the calories in check again. That is a considerable achievement IMO. And pushing yourself to work out is brilliant too. I have to take supplements for my knees these days - that's what happens when you get older! But I know some people with more serious knee problems who also find them incredibly helpful.

    I will be spending my Christmas day alone and have done every year since I split with the Bear (and before I was with him). I can't even help out with an old folks Christmas dinner somewhere due to the psoriasis. The upside of having no family is not having to bake anything for anyone else - I've got no excuses!

    BTW can you do any baking for charity? There's a church in the centre of town here that has coffee mornings/afternoon tea sessions several times a week and sell tons of homemade goods to raise funds.

    Hope you have a lovely time at the play - should really get you in the spirit.

    Bearfriend xx

  12. Oh Tammy my darling girl, I am so sorry you you are having such a bad time. You do need to be getting out and mixing with other folk, wether it be volunteering or mixing with friends and family.

    I hope the New Year brings you everything you deserve, a great new job, someone to love and cherish you and a Fabulous new wardrobe of clothes for that wonderful figure you are cultivating.

    Love and hugs


  13. Hi Tammy,
    I wish there were some way to help you out!
    I think you are a strong woman and wil triumph over all that is happening in your life right now.
    Try to remember all you've accomplished and the inspration that you are for others. We are all in your corner...

  14. Sorry to hear youre having a hard time. I agree that maybe helping others will end up helping yourself. ;)