Reigning In Weekend Eating

I always slack on the weekends.  I don't go hog wild and eat anything and everything I want....I try to keep a running total in my head instead of writing down every calorie like I do during the week, but I also usually allow myself to go over 200-300 calories or so on weekend days.  It's easier to deal that way eating with Dwayne Fri, Sat and Sundays...lazy, yes, but less stress.....at least until I get on the scale, when I usually end up regretting that choice.  I also don't drink near as much water on the weekends.  It's not that I'm drinking other things....it's that I'm drinking anything at all.  It's just so weird how I don't get thirsty.  At work, I keep my water bottle right beside me on my desk, so it's always forefront in my mind to keep drinking it and refilling it.  But on weekends, I don't do that.  And I forget to drink my water.  I'll usually end up with maybe 16-24 oz. of water for an entire day on a weekend...not nearly enough.  Another thing that I always sabotage myself with on weekends is sodium from eating out.  My weekends are usually very busy with outings, and I always end up eating one meal out on Saturday and again on Sunday.  We all know how my body reacts to sodium....sucks it up like a sponge and holds on to it for dear life.  This weekend is going to be just as busy, and spent away from home.

Saturday Dwayne and I are going to Fright Fest at Six Flags to ride the roller coasters like a couple of teenagers.  I am making the conscious decision to eat something right before we leave the house, and eat nothing the 2-3 hours we're in the amusement park.  Also, I'll be drinking water at the park...not Coke or lemonade.  On Sunday, I'm scheduled to take my sister Amy and my niece and nephew, Carla and Cyress, out to lunch.  Whenever I do this, which it's been quite a while since I've taken the kids out, I always let Carla pick the place we're having lunch.  I just got off the phone with her a few minutes ago, asking where she wants to go.  And she picked the same place she always does....Ming Moon...a Chinese buffet.  Poor kid loves Chinese as much as her Aunt Tammy.  It's a curse.

So I was sitting here thinking about what I could eat there to have a plan ahead of time....and then got to thinking about the sodium levels in Chinese food....and said forget it.  I'm not eating there.  Again, just like on Saturday, I'm going to eat at home right before I head out on Sunday to pick up my family, and then I'll take them to the Chinese place for lunch and watch them enjoy it. 

It took joining Allan's Challenge, with a MONDAY weigh-in, to finally get my attention to reign in my weekend eating.  THANK YOU ALLAN.  I almost considered not doing this challenge because of the Monday morning weigh-in....but then thought to myself, what are you saying?  how stupid are you?  this is here to HELP you....take advantage of it. 

Last Friday I was 244.2 lbs.  I started his challenge at 247 lbs on Monday....so up 3 lbs from the weekend....surprise, surprise.  I got on the scale this morning, and I was 244.0....so officially down .2 of a lb. from last Friday....big whoop.  But 3 lbs down from Monday....which means I dropped some sodium.  I'll admit...it's going to take some real focus and attention to stay on track this weekend instead of relaxing and not concentrating on every calorie that goes into my mouth....but I'm going to try my hardest.  I'm hoping when I weigh in next Monday..I'll be proud of my efforts. 

Allan informed me this morning that if I stay on track with 1870 cals/day and drinking my water, I'll reach my goal of 170 lbs. by this coming June.  I was taken aback by that.  That seems like such a short amount of time.  I've been thinking about it for 4-5 hours now.  I decided that was unrealistic for me because I know me...and I know how often I screw up.  Track records are very telling.  Have you seen my weigh-ins on my sidebar?  Yeah...not one for consistency.  Also...this doesn't take into account the 2 out of 4 weeks every month that I have a cycle.  Nobody likes to talk about it or think about it...least of all me...but it happens every month...and I bloat out like the Goodyear blimp every effing time.  Even if I did eat perfectly every day from now until June, I still think the bloat and cycle junk that consumes half of every month would have an affect on those #'s.

However, with that said and knowing my history....I still want to concentrate on doing my best each day.  I only want to look at one day at a time...as the overall picture gets to be too much for me.  But I really want to try my hardest each day, in and of itself.  I want to work on my consistency.  I can really tell now that the Zoloft is working.  There were a couple of incidences this week that normally would have pushed me over the edge and I would have been crying, thinking my world was ending, and stuffing my face.  Instead, my response was "whatever"...and there was no face-stuffing outside of my normal calories.  Some stress...yes...but not "end of the world" thinking.  THAT is a major improvement.  Thank God for modern medicine. 

So this is my plan for the weekend.  If I fail, I'll report it.  But if I succeed...you can bet your sweet a$$ you'll be hearing about it.  :)

Have a fabulous Halloween weekend.  Be safe...watch over the kiddos....and for Heaven's sakes, get the extra candy out of your house by Monday morning.....Sunday night would be even better.  Remember.....regret sucks. 

Butternut Squash Pics

Here's some butternut squash I baked this week....added some cinnamon on top, but nothing else...no butter, etc.  It was FANTASTIC!

I eat most of my calories during the day.  I'm at work from 7:30a-5p each day....so 9 1/2 hours of snacking!!  I usually only have 200-300 calories left for dinner by the time I get home.  Here's what a 250 calorie dinner looks like for me....and actually less than that after Scarlette eats her share. ;)

Egg/egg whites, 3 oz of Boar's Head low sodium ham, onions, fresh mushrooms, bell pepper..quick, easy and yummy.  :)

Leslie at Something Brilliant Is Brewing, listed on my blogroll,  posted pictures of us at dinner together on her blog yesterday.  If you haven't seen them yet, hop on over there! 

Allan's challenge is going well.  My goal weight of 170 lbs. times 11 is 1870 calories.  I have not exceeded that amount since we started this challenge on Monday.  I've also drank at least 64 oz of water a day, most days I've had more.  We're not supposed to weigh again until the last day of the 2 week challenge, but I'll probably hop on next Monday, at the halfway point, and post what weight I'm at then. 

Have a fabulous day friends!  :)

Weekend Pics

I still don't have the pics from Leslie yet from our dinner out Friday....I took 1 pic of my dinner plate and then the camera died!  It was a FAB-U-LOUS meeting.  Leslie is even more wonderful than you would imagine her to be.  Just so awesome.....we spent two hours talking over our meal, and I just hated it when we had to part ways at the end of our evening.  It's so unfair that she lives all the way in Pennsylvania!!!  She's due back in ATL in May and promised to carve out an evening for me....I'm already looking forward to it!

Sorry I don't have any pics to show you of us together, but I'll show you what I've got of my dinner and the rest of the weekend.

We went to a cajun seafood restaurant called Pappadeaux's and this was one of the very few dishes on the menu I could find that wasn't either fried, or drowned in a sauce....garlic butter sauce, lemon butter sauce, wine and butter sauce...good grief!!

I ordered the blackened mahi mahi and it came with 3 shrimp, 1 scallop, green beans and butternut squash.  It was fantastic!

Saturday night we went to a costume party....we chose Renaissance costumes.

Sunday I met Kim from All About The Bottom Line and Julia from Julia's Journey out for lunch.  We ate at Chipotle, which was the first time for me.  I ordered the burrito bowl...which is basically a burrito w/o the tortilla.  I had rice, chicken, lettuce, salsa and a little guacamole.  It was very tasty.  After lunch, we all 3 went to the Farmer's Market for some shopping.

And I'll leave you with a picture of my baby.  She loves to curl up in the laundry basket of towels right after I pull them out of the dryer.  She scratches around, throws out the towels that are taking up too much space, makes a little nest, and snuggles down in the basket to take a nap, lol.  So precious.  :)

Allan's Double Dog Challenge

Allan at Almost Gastric Bypass is hosting a 2 week challenge, starting today, and I'm happy to join in.  After floundering around for a bit, trying to get straightened out on my Zoloft, etc...I'm looking forward to some structure.  I usually fail at people's challenges...too many rules, forget the right weigh-in day, lasts for too long,e tc.  This one was attractive due to it's only 2 weeks long....you weigh in this morning, and on the last day of the challenge.  I'll post the challenge rules here:

CHALLENGE RULES


YOUR DAILY CALORIC INTAKE IS YOUR GOAL WEIGHT X 11

EVERYTHING YOU INGEST COUNTS AND NEEDS TO BE RECORDED

YOU DRINK 64 OUNCES OF WATER DAILY

NO CHEATING AND NO BULLSHIT

2 WEEKS, STARTING 10/25/2010

WEIGH IN MONDAY MORNING AND WEIGH IN 11/8/2010


So.....my goal weight is 170.  I take that # and multiply it times 11...and eat that amount of calories each day.  My calorie limit for this challenge is 1870, which is very close to the 1800 I was SUPPOSED to be staying at every day anyway.  Easy peasy...now I just actually have to do it.  :) 

Notice he didn't include any kind of exercise requirement.  This is simply about staying under your certain calorie limit....the limit you will have to stay at to maintain when you reach your goal.....and to drink (2) 32 oz. glasses of water a day.  Again, easy peasy.  :)

Of course, it's much easier for me to stick to calories during the work week where I'm a lot more structured, than it is on the weekends where things get loosey goosey for me.  For instance....last Fri I weighed in at 244 lbs.  This morning...my starting weight for the challenge, I'm 247 lbs. 

I will do a post tomorrow hopefully w/ all of my pics from the weekend....I'm waiting on Leslie to send me some from our dinner Fri night because my camera died after I took 1 pic!  So anyhoo....ate out Friday night with Leslie.....ate out Saturday night...or at least away from home....at a cookout at the Halloween costume party we went to at my friend Garrett's house....ate out lunch with Kim and Julia on Sunday at Chipotle before we went to the Farmer's Market.  I don't think my calories were too out of control....but I know the sodium is up there, and most likely what is attributing to the 3 lb. gain from the weekend.   No biggie...I've already started on my water drinking, and will be getting in way more than the 64 oz. that is required...it will probably be more like 128 oz., as when I'm really paying attention, I drink (4) 32 oz. glasses of water a day. 

So thanks to Allan for hosting the challenge.  If you're interested in doing something different for a couple of weeks, and seeing what it will be like to eat the calories you should be eating when you reach your goal....then join in with us.  Today is the first day of the challenge though....so you'll need to pop over to his blog and leave a comment today if you're interested.  He's at Almost Gastric Bypass and listed on my blogroll. 

Happy Monday everyone...let's make it a good one.  :)

Weigh-In

I weighed in at 248 for the last 2 weeks.  Today I'm 244.2 for a loss of 3.8 lbs. this week.

This makes me happy.  :)

Have a fabulous weekend everyone!

Busy Weekend Ahead

Leslie at Something Brilliant Is Brewing is in Atlanta this weekend and I'm having dinner with her tomorrow night.  I cannot WAIT to meet her!  She's a fabulous person who I've built a personal friendship with through emails over the last year or so.  I connect with her on so many levels, but we are definitely simpatico with the weight loss struggles.  We'll be meeting at a cajun seafood restaurant called Pappadeaux's for dinner and I'll be sure to take some pics to share here. 

Saturday morning we're taking Scarlette to Petsmart to get her toenails, ears, etc. taken care of, and then on to a puppy festival with her little pumpkin costume.  She loves that thing!  I had it in a closet and the door shut, and every evening she scratches on the closet door until I open it....then she jumps up like a little pogo stick until she reaches the shelf her costume is on and grabs it and takes off!  lol  Dwayne put it on her a couple of nights ago, and she ran and played in it, chewing on toys and jumping up on us to give us kisses.  I would think most dogs wouldn't be too fond of being dressed up but my dog is weird like that, lol.  Maybe she thinks it's cozy and snuggly?  I don't know, but whatever makes her happy.  :) 

Saturday evening we're going to a Halloween costume party.  We ordered Renaissance costumes online.  I'll take some pics.  Sunday I'm meeting up with Kim and Julia from Julia's Journey for lunch and then some shopping at the Dekalb Farmer's Market.  More pics!  It's going to be a busy weekend for sure.

Thanks to everyone who left lovely comments yesterday about Brittany's picture.  She is a beauty.  For the one person who asked if she gave me permission to post her picture online....yes, she did.  I mentioned that I spoke to her on FB yesterday.  We discussed the pics and she didn't have a problem with it at all....as a matter of fact, she emailed me 11 pics of her and her friends....and asked me to pic the most flattering ones!  I chose to only post one pic yesterday....but I'll probably post more in the future...maybe after we meet in person.  :) 

I'll be back with my weigh-in tomorrow.  I've been sitting at 248.0 for the last 2 weeks.  We'll see where I'm at tomorrow....hopefully still maintaining, at the very least, because I certainly don't think I've eaten enough this week to have a gain.  I've been on 1/2 a pill with my Zoloft for about a week and a half now.  Last night I bumped it up to 1 whole pill, which is 50 mg (the lowest dose), and again, I'm dizzy and have nausea today.  It's irritating, but I'm guess I'm just going to have to deal with the side effects if I'm ever going to get the full benefit from the medicine. 

Be back tomorrow.  :)

Picture of Brittany

This is my youngin' in her prom picture this year.

I talked to her on Facebook for a few minutes this morning.  She's terrified of telling her mother that she's ready to meet me.  She said she is ready to meet me and "this side of her family", as she put it, but she said her mom is very fragile and emotional, especially since Brittany's dad passed away last November.  Brittany said this is a huge, important thing and is just trying to spend a little time thinking of how to mention it to her mom w/o her mom taking it the wrong way and thinking Brittany is trying to replace her with someone else or any other such nonsense.

If you've never been part of an adoption process let me tell you....it's emotional, highly stressful and downright messy.  It's nerve-racking, consuming, and full of fear.  There was a highlight to today's conversation though. 

Brittany said she wanted to specifically tell me that she doesn't hate me, never has, and actually wanted to say a huge thank you for giving her to her parents instead of snuffing out her life like I could have with an abortion.  She said the last 19 years have been fantastic for her...being raised by the best parents in the world, and she wouldn't change a single thing....

I can't tell you what that did for my heart.....I really needed to hear that.  It starts the healing on some wounds that have laid bare within me for many, many years.

No matter how long it takes for us to meet....if we ever meet, due to her mom's reaction...doesn't really matter.

Either way....Brittany is a blessing.

Brittany Is Ready To Meet Me

Brittany is the child that I got pregnant with at 18 yrs old and adopted out to another family.  I wrote a post about it last year...if you want the back story, this is it:  http://foodaddict-fromfattofab.blogspot.com/2009/11/dagger-in-my-heart.html.

Ever since I found her on Facebook last year, I've talked to her about once every 6-8 weeks or so...just a short note to say hello and let her know I'm still alive and well, and to make sure she is also.  Well I saw her on Facebook last night, and we chatted for a bit.  She graduated from high school this year and is starting college in January.  After a few minutes of chatting, she said she's been wanting to ask me something and she's been thinking about it for a while now.  She asked if I'd be willing to meet her.

(I think I stopped breathing for a moment or two at this point...)

I told her that I'm always available to her for whatever she wants, and yes, I'd love to meet her if she's sure she's ready.  She said she will talk to her mom about it first...which I agreed is necessary and the respectful thing to do.  She is obviously as nervous about it as I am, because she asked if I minded if she brought her 2 best friends with her.  I understood her need for moral support, and told her she's more than welcome to bring her friends.  She also said she'd like to meet Dwayne.  I told her I will certainly ask him if he'd like to do that, and she said it was perfectly understandable if he didn't...that our (hers and mine) situation were way before he came around....and she understood if he wasn't comfortable.  She's so mature...I love that.

I gave her my phone # and told her to text or call whenever's she's talked to her mom and is ready to meet.

Needless to say I got NO sleep last night.  My mind was just racing.  I texted my mom and Dwayne.  They were both asleep and didn't answer.  I don't have a problem meeting her at all.  It's just the uncertainty of it all that has my mind spinning.  We could meet one time...she might just want to settle curiosity and ask some questions...and never see her again.  Or it could develop into a friendship where we see each other all along.  I just don't know.  And I don't know if I'm going to hold it together nicely, or fall apart emotionally the minute I look into my own eyes.  And should I take her a gift on our first meeting, or is that too contrived and typical? 

I do know that I'm overthinking everything, but when you're in the middle of a situation like this, it's hard not to.  I talked to my mom on the phone this morning and told her that I don't feel like I've been on my Zoloft long enough yet to deal with this.  My nerves are definitely shot after our conversation and zero sleep last night.  She told me in a couple of weeks I'll be leveled out and fine, and that I'll be able to handle everything just fine.  I texted Dwayne on his way to work and told him Brittany wanted to meet us and was he up for that.  He said yes, he'll meet her, and we'd talk about it tonight when he comes over. 

I read in the post above that I linked to provide the back story that I binged over Brittany thoughts last year.  Thinking back, I believe that was the last time I had a binge.  I think it's been a year.  Well last night....during those 6-7 hours of laying in bed, mind racing, conjuring up different scenarios in my head, and not being able to sleep....I felt that frantic feeling that precursors a binge.  It's been quite a while since I've felt that.  But I didn't give in.  I didn't put one drop of anything in my mouth.  But I have to tell you...sometimes this "feel your feelings instead of stuffing them down with food" stuff is for the birds.  The good news is, even though there's a lot going on in my head right now, I'm glad that guilt from a binge isn't one of the things I'm dealing with.

Update on Meds and Weigh-In

Hi guys.  Hope all of you are doing well.  I've been reading some blogs but not commenting very much.  I've weighed the exact same thing for the last 2 weeks which is 248.0 lbs.  I ate too many calories to lose this week, but not enough to gain.  It took me about a week after getting the Zoloft to start taking it because I kept forgetting...just wasn't in the habit yet.  So I started about a week ago....and found out the first day that they were making me very ill...which didn't happen when I took it several years ago...so that's weird. It gives me nausea and makes me very dizzy.  So I started cutting them in half.  I guess it'll be another couple of weeks to work up to the whole pill and get it fully in my system and working.  Just trying to hold it together on all fronts until I can get on an even keel.  I've been sitting here at my desk at work inbetween entering insurance claims, trying to put together a good grocery list for the week ahead.  That's not going so well...apparently I'm in a food rut and nothing sounds good to me...can't think of what to make...so I emailed Sean and asked him to shoot me some ideas.  Still waiting to hear from him.

Nothing major going on this wknd that I can think of.....except on Sunday....taking my baby sister for a pedicure.  Next wknd we have another puppy festival and then a friend invited us to a costume party Sat night.  We ordered costumes on line...I got a burgundy Renaissance-type gown/dress and Dwayne got a "tavern guy" costume....they look pretty cool, and I was shocked that they actually fit.  I usually don't have good luck ordering clothes online, so this was a plus. 

Then the next Sat, Oct. 30th, Dwayne wants to go back so Six Flags for Fright Fest like we did last year.  I think I'm about 10-15 lbs heavier than I was at this time last year, so I hope I fit on the rides.  I'm too scared to go back and look in the archives to see what the weight difference is.  Last year was a big deal.  It was the first time I'd ridden a roller coaster in over 20 years.  The last time before that I was 15 years old, went to an amusement park called Ghost Town In The Sky in Maggie Valley, NC.  I got on a ride and they couldn't click the safety bar due to my humongous stomach.  They made me get up and get off....walk the plank around the ride to the exit gate....the plank of humilitation.  20 years ago and I remember it like it was yesterday.  So yeah....rode all the rides last year...feeling good...and now I'm scared I might not fit this year.  I really do NOT want to even try...but Dwayne's a big kid when it comes to Six Flags and he's very excited about going.  So I'm going to go, say a little prayer, and hope the safety bar clicks.

Hope everyone has a happy weekend.  :)

Awards and Apologies

Several people have given me awards over the last couple of months and I've been so self-absorbed with my addled brain that I haven't recognized them on my blog.  To everyone who gave me one, I sincerely apologize for that.  All of them have felt undeserving, but are still very much appreciated.  I tried to stop by the blogs of the people who gave them to me and thank them,  but if I missed you, please forgive me, and thanks to everyone who thought of me. 

Allan at Almost Gastric Bypass gave me an award tonight, and since I'm sitting at the computer and feeling a little less mentally sidetracked today, I'm going to post it.  Thank God there aren't any rules attached to it, lol.

I just ran across Allan about a month or so ago after he left a comment on my blog.  I really, really like him.  He has a no-nonsense approach to weight loss and it's basically this:  Just do it.  He treats it as a disease as serious as the cancer that his wife had 9 years ago.  She went for a check up today, and praise God, it looks like she's still 9 years cancer-free.  Allan is in NYC and has the language to match, lol.  He sugar coats nothing and I love him for that.  He posts several times a day.  He's dedicated and committed to improving his health and his eating lifestyle.  He inspires me every single day.

Thank you Allan for this award and for being one of my biggest cheerleaders.  I love that you believe in me.  I believe in you, too.  :)

Puppy Festival

We took Scarlette to a puppy festival on Saturday.  There was a costume contest and we entered her.  She won 3rd place.  Momma's precious little pumpkin.  :)

I Have No Business Posting

I really have no business posting on here because as I told my friend Pam a little while ago, I just can't think of anything nice to say.  BUT.  I have to get all this sh*t out of my head and written down somewhere, and for the last year and 3 months...it's been this blog.  This post is for me guys, just to release some toxicity.  My meds have not yet had a chance to take affect...that usually takes a good 2-3 weeks, so things are still very dark in my little world.  I know things will get better soon though....that's the hope I'm holding on to.

So....I leave the dr's ofc last Friday and I'm driving back to work and re-hasing in my mind everything that I talked about with the doc.  That's when I realized I told him a complete and total LIE.  I lied right to his face...but just didn't realize I was doing it at the time.

I told him I'd been on the Zoloft before and that I have a chemical imbalance in the brain...no real reason to be crying every single day...but I am.  So I wanted to go back on the meds.  He said, "So you don't have what we call Situational Depression....caused by certain events/happenings in your life."  And I said "no"...just a chemical imbalance. 

LIE.  LIE.  LIE.

It is true that I've been depressed for years....even when things were on the "up" and all areas seemed to be gliding along pretty nicely.  Had a good job, made enough to pay my bills AND buy Christmas presents for friends and family....in a good relationship....everyone around me doing food....no major stressors, etc. 

But...this time around, I DO have SEVERAL situations that affect my mood swings/crying spells.  But I think the reason I didn't think to mention them is because they seem to always be there....or they've been there for so long now that they've just become the thread in the fabric of my life. 

We already know the weight problem is probably my #1 depressing issue.  There are other things that I think about on a daily basis though that really bring me down, and keep me there. 

I have 2 family members that have incurable diseases.  Not fatal mind you...but incurable...and it saddens me.  I can't help them.  All I can do is watch them suffer.  Their diseases are "somewhat" manageable...but they both are affected in a terrible way....their quality of life is so diminished and restricted, and changed forever.  I won't name them...they deserve their privacy and I will protect it....but I think of them every day.  Every single day.  And I cry for them.  I've always been one to take on another's pain and imagine myself in their situation....I just don't know how not to.  Mom would probably call this "borrowing trouble".  I don't mean to....I just don't know how to "not" do it.  I'm a worrier...for sure.  They are my loved ones...I would die for either of them....family is most near and dear to my heart above all else. 

I've used every ounce of humility and strength I can muster up to continue to be appreciative of having a job.  This economy absolutely sucks a$$...that's all there is to it.  I was unemployed for a year and four months.  16 months of absolute hell.  Talk about being in the abyss.  I can't even tell you how many of those days I spent in tears, staring at the 4 walls, PRAYING for a job...even scrubbing toilets...just let me get back in the workforce and feel like I belong again.  You feel invisible when you've been unemployed for that long...like the world has forgotten you and like you'll never be able to find a job again.  You've been out of work for so long that you fear potential employers will take one look at your resume and how long you've been out of work, and throw it right in the trash without a second glance.  That was real fear...and real depression. 

The money part of the unemployment was hard.  It was really hard.  And I had a roommate at the time that paid half the rent and half of all of the utilities, as well as all of the groceries.  There was just no room in my budget for groceries. 

Now, thanks to my old roommate's wife, Billie, I have a job.  And I'm thankful for the job..for her getting me out of my house.  She knew I was going crazy...and she knew Shane and her were getting married, and I would no longer have a roommate.  I needed a job in the worst way.  And she hired me.  I am thankful.  She is my supervisor...but not the main boss.  Our boss' name is Scott...and he threatened all of us last week w/ part-time hours.  He bought this company in January of this year.  We do insurance adjuster work...if we don't have major storms, tornadoes, hurricanes, etc...then we don't make a lot of profit.  In fact, this has been such a quiet year weather-wise, that we're actually LOSING money.  That's not good.  Scott's partners down in Ft. Lauderdale threatened him....so now he's threatening us.  If business doesn't pick up (which we have no control over), he's cutting our hours in half.  Ummmm.....yeah.

What I make now is $1.00 more an hour than I made on unemployment, PLUS..I lost my roommate.  So now instead of paying half the rent and half the utilites....I'm paying it ALL.  So in truth, I'm having a HARDER time financially now than when I was unemployed and had a roommate.  It's incredibly frustrating and defeating to have things get harder instead of better.  There's always something I can't pay.  When you take your 2 checks that you get each month, substract all of the living expenses, and there's $10 left over....that leaves nothing for the things that always pop up.  For instance, my car insurance that I pay every 6 months is due in 2 weeks.  $262.  My budget says I have $10.  Enter Dwayne.  Bless his heart.  He is the only reason I even have an inch of sanity left.  The only reason.

There's more stress in other areas but you get the idea.  And what do I always want to do to relive the stress and ease the depression?  Eat.  Add on top of the other stress, add all the stress I feel to MAKE MYSELF NOT EAT the wrong things....or just too much of something.  Oh and did I mention my cycle/PCOS that I deal with every month.....how my cycle last for 2 weeks....not a week like a normal person?  And how due to the PCOS the cramps feel more like pregnancy contractions....and how the hormones are WAY out of whack and the mood swings are just insane...and how I blow up like the Goodyear blimp and how Pamprin might as well be a sugar pill for all the good it does?  Well...mine started on Sunday....so yeah.  Got on the scale this morning for the first time since last Fri.  Last Fri I was 246.2 lbs.  This morning I'm 248....and that's staying at 1800 cals/day.  I've wanted to eat and eat and eat but I haven't.  I've restricted myself...I've endured the cramping and the bloating and the mood swings and the knowledge that I've got another week or more to go....and I have a 2 lb gain to show for it mid-week.  Yes...I go through this every single month.  I bitch about it every month.  Sometimes life is just too effing hard and you've got to get it out.

Now I'm told that when you lose your weight, that the PCOS symptoms all but disappear.  I certainly hope that's true....oh I pray for that one day.  For now, I'm just trying to keep it between the lines until I can see brighter days ahead.  Come on meds...hurry up and kick in.  I need you.

Lab Results

I got my lab results back today.  When I started my blog I was 272 lbs. and did NO exercise.  I was taking 2 different meds for diabetes, a pill for high cholesterol and a pill for high blood pressure.  My triglycerides were over 700.  My blood pressure was 147/100 or so, and my A1C (diabetes) was around 9.

Here are today's results:

Kidney function normal
Liver function normal
Thyroid normal
A1C is 6.9...desired goal is less than 6.5 but according to doc it's "still quite good" w/o any meds.
B/P was 116/74
Total Cholesterol is 140; desired goal is under 200
LDL (bad) Cholesterol is 69; desired goal is under 130
HDL (good) Cholesterol is 22; desired goal is greater than 50 (need more exercise)
Triglyceride is 244; desired goal is under 150 (still WAY down from 700)


All in all, I'm doing much better.  I'm still off of all of my meds except the thyroid med which has to be taken for life.  And I'm starting back on Zoloft for sanity purposes.  :)  It's kind of cool to have hard evidence like this to show me  just how far I've come since my highest weight of 340 lbs. when I developed all of the health problems.  As hard of a time as I'm having right now to move on down the scale...I've still come a long ass way, and that's something I'm proud of.  :)

Update on Dwayne, Meds, Etc.

Hi everyone.  Wow, can I stir up some shit or what?  lol  Hey listen, for all of you who took the time to comment on yesterday's post, a great big thank you.  Everything that was said was appreciated.  I'll touch on a couple of things.

To those of you who were keen enough to look past his weight comment and catch on to the fact that it's more his fear of commitment....you were spot on.  To whoever thought I may be going on the meds because of him or his problem with my weight...that's incorrect.  I posted about a month ago that I've had problems with depression since my teenage years....that I've been on Zoloft before, and that I think I need to go back on it again.  I have a chemical imbalance, and that's why I got an Rx today to go back on the anti-depressant.  While Dwayne's comment certainly doesn't help matters...it's not the basis of me going on the medicine.  I've always needed it, I just haven't always taken it. 

A lot of you brought up a lot of questions that I've already wondered myself, but have just never asked him before.  What if I gained weight again after marriage...would he divorce me?  What if I got in an accident and lost a leg?  What if I got cancer...would he dump me then because the "outside" was more important than the "inside"?  Well.....thanks to all of you...I found the courage to ask him.  I wanted to wait until tonight when I saw him face to face but got tired of all of it swirling around in my brain, so I emailed him a little while ago.  He answered.  He in fact does love me just the way I am now.  He said no, he would not divorce me if I were to gain my weight back, and no, he most certainly would not leave me if I had some tragedy happen to me where I ended up deformed/incapacitated, etc.  He basically said that his love that he has for me right this moment will not change if I choose to not lose another pound.  In fact, he told me if I'm happy where I'm at right now, then don't lose another pound.  He's not going anywhere either way.

I would have to write a small novel to tell you all the things he does on a daily basis to let me know how much he cares...the little stuff, the big things, etc.  Nobody can possibly know what I know, and I knew that when I wrote that post.  I've almost wrote that post 100 different times before, but didn't have the guts to expose that much of my heart.  Yesterday, I was tired of hiding the secret....I believe it ties into my mental blocks with the weight loss...and I finally put it out on my weight loss blog.  I'm glad I did.  I feel better.  It doesn't feel like a dirty little secret anymore...and most importantly, it led to a very much needed dialogue today between me and Dwayne. 

Someone asked yesterday if I was okay being the woman that was still dating him in 10 years, and not married.  Yes.  I'm very much okay with that.  I believe when I wrote the post called "Dwayne and Taxes...A Love Story" that I explained I'm ok if we never officially get married.  I said then that I don't question his love...and I still don't.  I know very well, after 6 years of togetherness, what all of Dwayne's faults and flaws are.  The one I discussed yesterday hurts me directly...most of them don't.  I chose a long time ago to accept him the way he is...because whether he does or not...I believe in unconditional love.  That's not going to change about me. 

Some people asked about future children.  Dwayne mentioned to me a few years ago that he'd like to see me get to a healthy weight to where I could have and take care of children.  He wants one child.  I decided at the age of 30 that I'm okay with not having any of my own.  This has to do with my depression issues...job lay offs...not finishing my education...making too little money....the list goes on and on and on.  I know that if you actually have one...you learn to make it work...and if that happened, of course I would.  But after Brittany, the child I gave up for adoption when I was 18....I'm also the poster girl for birth control...so the chances are slim unless I make the conscious effort to try and get pregnant.  The child issue is still up in the air.  He still wants one....he knows I'm ok if we don't have one.  He's certainly not pressing the issue since we're not even married.  Given that I'm 38 and he's 40...I don't see it happening at this point.  Besides, I already have 5 nieces and nephews to spoil and send back home....that's my kinda' child-raisin'. ;)

I don't excuse him for his feelings about my weight.  I told him how shallow, superficial and hurtful those views are.  I also told him he's no skinny minnie and he could stand to lose about 50 lbs. himself.  I believe he's done some thinking of his own over the last couple of days because he told me today that he loves me whether or not I lose another lb.  I believe him when he says that.  He also knows that me losing weight has nothing to do with him or what he wants.  He knows that if he were my reason...I would have had this weight gone 5 years ago.  I think the fact that I'm 246 lbs. today proves that he is not my reason...never will be.  So for those of you who feared that I would start today on some kind of weirdo crash diet to "please" him?  Shit ain't happenin'. 

Dwayne, Scarlette and I are a family...not perfect...not always happy...and sometimes we say some really stupid shit to each other.  But we stick together...we communicate daily...we care...and we're committted.  I will continue to post things on this blog that I think are connected to my weight loss/gain, and I will continue to welcome your input.  It was because of all of you that I confronted him today.  Thank you for that.  I hope you all have a fabulous weekend...make it a healthy one.  :)

P.S.  My dr's appt. went very well.  Did my bloodwork, got a prescription for the Zoloft, and the best news of all...my blood pressure reading was 116/74.  Not bad for a fat girl who still has 75 lbs. to lose.  :)

Weigh-In

This is the pic of my weigh-in from last Friday that I couldn't get to post....245.8.

This is my weigh-in this morning...246.2.  I gained .4 of a lb this week. 

I've had a rough week.  The fact that I didn't give in to the urge to binge is a victory I'm going to claim this week.  I'm off to the dr's ofc now.  Have a good weekend everyone.