I mentioned a couple of months ago when I received the Honest Scrap award that I gave up a baby for adoption when I was a teenager. Her birthday is coming up this week, and I said I was going to do a post and tell the whole story from way back when. It turns out I don't have the courage to do that right now. I have to go to a very dark place to recall all those details and I don't feel like I have the emotional and mental fortitude to do so just yet. Maybe one day.
I was watching a reality TV show a few months back, and the woman on the show mentioned that she, too, had given up a child for adoption. She knew where he was, but he'd never been a part of her life. Although this woman had a full and happy life, with more children that came later, she said it felt like there was always something missing....a wound that had never healed and probably never would. When her son turned 18, her husband got in contact with her son and brought him home to her. She said that was the day her husband pulled the dagger out of her heart. Naturally, I crumpled into a crying heap.
I had never heard it put that way before, but it was an accurate description. I knew her pain....really knew it. I still do. Brittany turns 18 this week. I heard a couple of years ago that she wanted to talk to me. We live in the same state, but not in the same city. I finally found her mom and we emailed. She allowed Brittany and I to exchange a few emails that lasted about a week, and then her mom ended the contact. Brittany told me that her mom was afraid she'd love me more than her.
I can't proclaim to fully understand all the fears that come along with being an adoptive parent, but I can only imagine that they're horrific. With no blood ties, there has to be a fear that never goes away for her mom.....just like there's a pain that never goes away for me. So I don't judge her mom. I'm thankful for the few emails that we did get to exchange....it's more than a lot of biological parents get.
The last I heard, Brittany was praying for a softball scholarship to go to the college she likes the most, in another state. I really don't know if I'll ever talk to her again. I know the possibility is always there, and if it happens, I'll welcome it. If not, I'll learn to live with it, and be thankful that we had just enough exchanges in that one special week for her to know that I never hated her...I was just too young, naive, and I thought at the time, incapable of taking care of her the way her adoptive parents have.
She's got a great life that's been filled with lots of opportunities and extra-curricular activities that I doubt I would have ever been able to provide her with. She has two loving parents who think she's the most precious jewel on this earth....so really, what more can I ask for? I thank God that she's alive, and well, and thriving....and I have hope that she will make much wiser choices at the tender age of 18 than I did. Happy Birthday Brittany....I love you.
4 months ago