A food addict's travels on the road to recovery.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010


I wonder if I have Seasonal Affective Disorder.  I first wondered this last winter, having never experienced it before.  I might have blogged about it...I don't remember now.  But I think I just chalked up the unexplained sadness to being on unemployment for so long.  This time, I have a job...and while things are still hard, they're not as hard as they were last year, yet I'm having the same feelings.  I broke down and cried at my desk today at work for no apparent reason.  I really wonder if it's simply the cold and the grey.  It's weird because winter has always been my favorite season.  The colder the better....and it also encompasses my favorite holiday...Christmas.  I'm sitting here at home now, surrounded by my Christmas decorations and the lights twinkling on the tree.  The heat is set on 70 and is running, but it's in the 30's outside.  I am freezing my ass off.  I can't seem to get warm enough...and the sadness is overwhelming and unexplained.  This totally sucks.  I need to be finishing my baking for the baskets I have to deliver this wknd and I just can't seem to drag myself to the kitchen to do it. 

Leslie texted me a few minutes ago just to see how I was doing....and I told her I was trying to talk myself out of ordering Chinese food.  I'm sitting at 1300 cals right now and haven't had any dinner yet.  I'm a little scared to eat anything, because I'm afraid whatever I choose is going to be the wrong thing, and too much of it...for all the wrong reasons.  I crawled out from under my blanket and got off the couch to come to the computer and blog about this crap.  Is it even possible to have SAD when you're already on Zoloft?  That doesn't seem right.  Maybe that's not what's wrong....but this feeling has been looming for the last few days and it finally overwhelmed me today and brought me to tears.  And I have the ridiculous desire to eat bad, bad things.  Just the thought of that brought me to tears again a few minutes ago.  I hate having this food addiction.  This is my favorite season of the year...the time that I should be the happiest.  And I'm just not right now. 

I've been thinking about something Allan said several weeks back in a post, about treating his weight problem like Fat Cancer.  He gives it that level of seriousness to get the weight off as quickly as possible, eating around 1200 cals. a day.  He's dropped a ton of weight and has held fast to his plan.  I have really tried hard over these last few weeks to get that kind of mindset for myself...Fat Cancer....and I can't seem to grasp it.  I fail so easily....and have for such a long time, and it's very discouraging.  I haven't lost any weight in an entire year.  I'm about the same thing now that I was at this time last year.  I keep asking myself why...what is wrong with me?  Do I not want it bad enough?  I start to think that's what it is...but then try to put on a pair of pants to go to work in the morning and they don't fit right now.  Then the feeling of disgust moves in...and I think that yes, I do want to lose the weight....but back to why haven't I? 

Then I think about one of Chris' posts at A Deliberate Life a while back about cleaning out your chicken coop.  She said that you're never going to get the weight off and keep it off if you don't dig down and get to the root of the problem....the reason you let yourself get obese in the first place.  I've scratched around and scratched around, and I can't find out what the heck is in my coop full of poop.  What is it?  I can't seem to find it?  Is it possible to be that friggin' fat and not have a reason?  That doesn't seem right....but if it is, that's even more maddening. 

Ok, so I know I'm rambling....just trying to keep from eating, so decided to blog instead.  Still no answers, but I'm still at 1300 cals today.  Thank God for that.  I think I need to go to bed soon.  'Nite friends, and thanks for listening. 


  1. Perhaps get some full spectrum light bulbs? Take vitamin D? Sorry, I'm no doctor but I play one on blogs from time to time.

    Maybe you're feeling down because of the weight. I know when I'm not losing I feel depressed because I feel like a failure. Then when I start working hard at it I feel so much better. But your mileage may vary. That's just me.

    HUGS. Hope you're feeling better very soon.

  2. take vitamin D, I was feeling the blues too and read about taking vitamin D to help.

  3. You know, Tammy, you've been doing really well for several weeks...eating within your calorie limit, losing some pounds, NOT eating crazy on the weekends. I think part of what may be going on for you is that you've been doing it long enough that some of whatever it is that the food has been suppressing and stuffing is starting to unearth a bit. Just move around and begin to exert its influence.

    As hard and crazy as it seems, this is good news though it feels like total shit. You know I've said many times that I can't get at what's really in the coop, buried deep by years of addictive eating and whatnot, as long as I'm still acting out with food. But once I stop stuffing for a bit, the stuff starts to come up. At first it feels like sadness or anxiety. Given time, it will begin to shape into what the original pain is about.

    This is the point that makes relapse from addiction so likely...unexplained free form pain, sadness, anxiety. However it manifests, the automatic reaction of an addict is to do what has worked for so long...stuff it. I think if you can sit through the sadness, keep talking about it, writing about it, call friends to dump it...whatever it takes - the content of the bad feelings will become identifiable and then you can deal with them. Like looking down the barrel of a gun.

    So, I truly believe that's what's up right now. If you can sit through the sadness and not act on the food thoughts, you're going to begin making real progress. Chris Moursler kind of progress! Hang in, dear friend. This too SHALL pass. All will be better in the morning. Have a cup of decaf and drink in the vision of your Christmasy apartment. {{{HUGS}}}

  4. Next time you see the doc, have them test you blood level of Vitamin D. Meantime, take some D3 supplementation (read online about how much is safe/recommended for women), go out and get actual sunlight ON YOUR FACE and if you can afford it a sunlight. (Read Escape From Obesity entries on it, as Lyn deals with SAD) If you're not moving (ie, exercise), get some. A walk in the sunlight (even at lunchtime) might be good.

    And start writing letters to people in your life and yourself. Just let it free-style. Figure out from writing letters what is really bugging you (if anytihng) emotionally. Write about past memories. Anything to try and find what the hell is up inside....sometimes that works amazingly well.


  5. Hey there girl, When are we getting together ?..it's so busy now..for sure in the new year. Yes, you can get sad / depressed on zoloft. It's like a rollercoaster..you don't go quite so high or quite so low but you do still have ups and downs. It might seem really low because you haven't had to deal with it as much lately or because of the extra special intensity of the holidays. It's when you can't shake the sadness and depression that maybe the zoloft dose needs to be adjusted.

    I get very sad at the holidays. I remember the Christmases of my youth ..had a huge family. now they are almost all gone. I didn't have kids , so that's an extra special little dial that gets turned during this season. For getting out of it, I think acknowledging it and aditting is step one. Keep a gratitude list. Service for others-even if it's just a conversation or a donation in the Salvation army bucket..

    And we have been at this wt loss thing a while..lost a ton of weight and are living in a semi maintenance mode even though we are not at goal. You get tired, But Allan brings a fresh perspective and inspiration. Don't have to compare yourself to him . just listen and let that energy carry you.

    Even in Ga I think we get S. A. D...and I'm with ya. soooo cold. I had on 4 layers tonight to go out to a meeting. pjs under my clothes.

    sorry ..just wanna cheer ya up. I was exactly in your spot about 5 days ago.

  6. I don't have the answer darling, but I hope it gets better. It's hard sometimes...very hard and unfair. I hope you find your mind in a happy place very soon and enjoy the heck out of the holidays. ::hugs::

  7. I find that vitamin B helps with my moods as well as energy. Give it a try!

  8. Hey Tammy,

    What or Whom are you missing!

    Most people are sad around this time because they are missing a person or a loving memory of Christmas.

    When I was a kid (I'm 42) my family made Christmas a major event for the month with parties, dinners, gifts, church, and of course food. My mom would spend her months check on Christmas. It was very special and I long for that now. Now my family is smaller because of death and family moving away so Christmas is just not the same. So I understand how the Christmas can be a sad time for so many people because they are longing for the memories.

    I'm very lucky to have a wonderful group of friends that love to celebrate Christmas for what it is so they have made up the emptiness that I was wishing for. I also plan ahead to visit my family in Texas for Christmas and we celebrate with the new members of our family and that makes me happy.

    So after Thanksgiving I make sure to plan my baking list for my friends and I make sure to attend all the Christmas parties that my friends have. This year I have 6 parties to attend.

    It's important to make your own traditions and to make them a major event even if your circle of family and friends are small.

    So I would encourage you to think about old memories and make new ones for yourself.

    Weight Reduction Blues: Tammy look in the mirror and tell yourself this "I will love myself everyday until I die." When you love yourself you will be kind to yourself and you will not deprive yourself of anything. Don't do yourself like that. You deserve it all but in moderation.

    Fat Cancer: Obesity can not be compared to cancer. Cancer is not a choice you make. I had cancer and it was much easier to cure than my obesity. When you have cancer you can go to the doctor and ask for treatment and in most cases it can be cured like mine was. Obesity can be cure to but for most of us it is not that important unless we want to fit in a sexy dress, go on a vacation or a class reunion. Tammy when you have cancer that is your main focus in life. Until you decide to make it your main focus and a lifestyle you will never meet your goal. Also ask yourself if the goal is realistic.

    I wish you luck and fun this Christmas. Make it special everyday because you deserve it.

  9. Hey Tammy, keep up the amazing work! You *are* rocking it, in the big picture. :) I have a nutritionist friend who has helped me immensely with bringing balance back into my body. A couple things like a few people have mentioned. Vitamin D, vitamin B, B12, and so very important - digestive enzymes (with HCL) and probiotics. Digestive enzymes help absorb nutrients from food and help move food through your system. Probiotics, for the healthy bacteria. I've dropped pounds and inches in the last 3 months as a result of these changes and vitamin D & B is helping stabilize the ups n downs. Good luck pretty lady.