I wonder if I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. I first wondered this last winter, having never experienced it before. I might have blogged about it...I don't remember now. But I think I just chalked up the unexplained sadness to being on unemployment for so long. This time, I have a job...and while things are still hard, they're not as hard as they were last year, yet I'm having the same feelings. I broke down and cried at my desk today at work for no apparent reason. I really wonder if it's simply the cold and the grey. It's weird because winter has always been my favorite season. The colder the better....and it also encompasses my favorite holiday...Christmas. I'm sitting here at home now, surrounded by my Christmas decorations and the lights twinkling on the tree. The heat is set on 70 and is running, but it's in the 30's outside. I am freezing my ass off. I can't seem to get warm enough...and the sadness is overwhelming and unexplained. This totally sucks. I need to be finishing my baking for the baskets I have to deliver this wknd and I just can't seem to drag myself to the kitchen to do it.
Leslie texted me a few minutes ago just to see how I was doing....and I told her I was trying to talk myself out of ordering Chinese food. I'm sitting at 1300 cals right now and haven't had any dinner yet. I'm a little scared to eat anything, because I'm afraid whatever I choose is going to be the wrong thing, and too much of it...for all the wrong reasons. I crawled out from under my blanket and got off the couch to come to the computer and blog about this crap. Is it even possible to have SAD when you're already on Zoloft? That doesn't seem right. Maybe that's not what's wrong....but this feeling has been looming for the last few days and it finally overwhelmed me today and brought me to tears. And I have the ridiculous desire to eat bad, bad things. Just the thought of that brought me to tears again a few minutes ago. I hate having this food addiction. This is my favorite season of the year...the time that I should be the happiest. And I'm just not right now.
I've been thinking about something Allan said several weeks back in a post, about treating his weight problem like Fat Cancer. He gives it that level of seriousness to get the weight off as quickly as possible, eating around 1200 cals. a day. He's dropped a ton of weight and has held fast to his plan. I have really tried hard over these last few weeks to get that kind of mindset for myself...Fat Cancer....and I can't seem to grasp it. I fail so easily....and have for such a long time, and it's very discouraging. I haven't lost any weight in an entire year. I'm about the same thing now that I was at this time last year. I keep asking myself why...what is wrong with me? Do I not want it bad enough? I start to think that's what it is...but then try to put on a pair of pants to go to work in the morning and they don't fit right now. Then the feeling of disgust moves in...and I think that yes, I do want to lose the weight....but back to why haven't I?
Then I think about one of Chris' posts at A Deliberate Life a while back about cleaning out your chicken coop. She said that you're never going to get the weight off and keep it off if you don't dig down and get to the root of the problem....the reason you let yourself get obese in the first place. I've scratched around and scratched around, and I can't find out what the heck is in my coop full of poop. What is it? I can't seem to find it? Is it possible to be that friggin' fat and not have a reason? That doesn't seem right....but if it is, that's even more maddening.
Ok, so I know I'm rambling....just trying to keep from eating, so decided to blog instead. Still no answers, but I'm still at 1300 cals today. Thank God for that. I think I need to go to bed soon. 'Nite friends, and thanks for listening.
4 months ago