A food addict's travels on the road to recovery.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Things Are Bad

The girl at TRC Staffing emailed me this morning to let me know that Rhonda, the lady I interviewed with on Monday, is out of the ofc today and tomorrow, so maybe I'll hear something by Friday...who knows.  I feel like I've been holding my breath for 3 days because so much stuff rides on me finding a job and finding one fast.  I've had insomnia for a solid week now, ever since I first talked to the operations director on the phone last Tuesday about this job.  I just cannot seem to shut my brain off at night and go to sleep.  I get in bed around 11pm and I lay awake until well after 3am most nights....then I'm right up and out of bed again between 6:30-7:00am.  This has added to my stress, and when I found out today that I'm not going to know anything on the job for at least another 2-3 days, the dam broke and I started crying.  I'm exhausted.  I'm stressed to no end.  I'm scared.  I'm a lot of things. 

I texted Dwayne and he called me.  I blurted all this out about the stress, no sleep, wanting to eat everything in sight (stress eating) but trying not to....trying to control it....and I screamed at him that I'm ready to just go beg someone to give me weight loss surgery and at least solve one of my many problems. 

He tried to console me, and said that he's had a really shitty morning, too.  He's known for a few weeks now that his job is in jeopardy because of restructuring at work.  He's in one division of Quality Assurance for a particular product...their flagship product...and the girl under him quit and found another job about a month ago.  Then his supervisor quit and found another job 2 weeks ago.  He's the only one left working on this particular product.  He tried to see if there was an open req in another department...the only other one he's qualified to work in....and they tried to get him over there, but yesterday the decision was made that anymore open req's for that department would be filled in their ofc in Costa Rica because it's cheaper to hire there.  So he can't transfer in order to keep his job....and the position he's in now is on thin ice.  If he loses his job, not only will he not be able to help me financially....he'll be hard-pressed to take care of his own bills.  The big boss from Israel is in town and things are changing even as I type this.  He's scared...just like I am. 

Add to this that last night my roommate Shane came home after visiting his Dad in the hospital, who's been in there for nearly 2 weeks now.  (He's in and out a lot, he has a multitude of severe health problems).  Yesterday his dad went into congestive heart failure.  Shane said he looked gray, and that he refused his feeding tube.  Billie and Shane were supposed to get married in October, and his Dad was going to be his best man.  Last night Shane told me that Billie is checking into a marriage license today, and that he is going to check with the chaplain at the hospital and see if they can get married in the chapel there so his dad can be part of the wedding before he passes.  This morning Shane texted me and said his dad might of had an anyrysm, or ambulism, or something like that.  Things are going downhill fast.

So as morbid as this sounds, we've got a looming funeral in the distance.  And on the practical side of things where I'm concerned, if Shane's Dad passes, or even if he doesn't, but he and Billie get married in the chapel at the hospital this week....I don't expect Shane to keep up his end of our rental agreement and continue to live here with me and pay half the bills.  It is humanly impossible for me to pay the full amount on our rent or any of our utilities.  I don't mean to be crass talking about bills while his Dad's impending passing is obviously more important...but this is my reality, and these are things that I think and worry about. 

And then there's the weight loss that I'm supposed to be prioritizing.  I was 247.4 last Friday.  I got on the scale this morning and I'm 243.  I was 241 lbs yesterday morning, but I had too much sodium yesterday.  So 4.4 lbs. gone so far.  I didn't want to go to the park and walk this morning, but I did it, and it hurt.  The muscles in my legs are really tight and burning because I've been out of the exercise groove for so long.

I'm going to be honest with you, because I've always been honest with you on this blog.  I don't want to concentrate on losing weight right now.  Wait...I'll re-phrase that.  I want to care...but I'm finding it hard to concentrate and focus and make it my #1 priority.  I feel like things are crashing down all around me and I have an overwhelming desire to stress eat even though I know it's wrong....even though I know I'll regret it later and it will compound all of my problems.  I feel like I'm not strong enough to beat this right now.  I keep telling myself that you can't wait til things "get easier", because Life is always going to throw you curveballs.  Life is always going to be unfair and it's always going to be messy.  I don't want to be one of those people who says they're start tomorrow, or next week, or next month.  I know better than that.  I know those excuses are bullshit.  But what I also know is that my defenses are down....I can't seem to stop crying today...I want to be comforted and no comfort is to be found. 

I've tried to think of ways to distract myself....I can't read a book because I can't concentrate on it and I read the same damn sentence 20x over.  I can't take a nap and get some much needed rest because my brain will not shut off and let me rest.  It's racing a million miles a minute with all kinds of thoughts and worries.  I don't want to just get out in the car and drive around for a couple of different reasons.  For one, I don't trust myself not to drive to a buffet restaurant.  For another, it's at least 90 degrees outside today, I don't have air conditioning in my car, and driving around feeling like I'm going to have a heat stroke puts me in an even worse mood.  I can't stop and get out somewhere and go shopping in a nice air-conditioned store because I don't have any money to spend and window shopping for stuff I can't afford to buy makes me zone in on just how bad off I am financially, which leads to more stress and depression.

I know I'm rambling here....I'm just journaling out my thoughts.  Here's another piece of honesty.  I don't know what the scale is going to say on Friday.  I don't know if I can hold onto the 243 or if it will be higher.  I don't know if I'm going to post my weigh-in, take a picture of the scale, or even be blogging at all for a while.  I'm embarassed that I've struggled so much with my weight loss.  I'm mad that it seems so hard when it really shouldn't be.  It should be as simple (not easy, but simple), as making a decision and sticking to it.  My decision should be as "iron clad" as Sean's is, and my "steel curtain zone" should actually be made out of steel, and not Jell-O. 

I'm tired, mad, sad, stressed, depressed, unfocused, overwhelmed, scared...you name it.  I don't know when I'll be back to blog again, but I wanted to at least let you know that.  Take care everyone.

27 comments:

  1. Tammy!!!!! We love you!! Hang in there....I promise this will pass. Everything that is crappy in our lives is temporary. You are strong and amazing and you will make it through. :)

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  2. Oh Tammy. Please go easy on yourself. Although it seems like it SHOULD be simple. Weight loss is not simple at all. Especially for those of us dealing with a food addiction. Add to it the things that you are dealing with and the struggle becomes extremely hard. Focus on taking care of yourself, don't beat yourself up!

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  3. Oh Tammy - I'm so sorry for all the sh*t that's swarming around you. Maybe this isn't the best thing to say, but I think that for now you are really in survival mode. You have some huge serious issues that will eventually resolve in some manner, but until they do, it's unrealistic to think you can stay optimistic and focused on the bigger picture.

    I do think that walking, even just strolling, can help dispense some nervous energy and help distract you for a bit. But that's easy for me to say. Don't beat yourself up over anything - ANYTHING, Tammy. Survival is just that...doing what it takes to get through without doing harm to yourself. Do what you can - drink your water, take a walk, nap when you can, scream into a pillow or break an old plate against the wall. Whatever helps physically dispense some of the anxiety and worry. I love you and have honestly been thinking of you all morning. I wish I could come take a walk with you!

    You are strong and will get through this...every bit of it. My prayers and best thoughts are with you, and I'll stay in touch via email. Hang in and do the best you can in the moment.

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  4. I'm sorry that things aren't going well for you right now :( I'll keep you, and your friends in my prayers! Hang in there!

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  5. Just hang in there... go for a long walk, not one to 'do your excersize' one to clear your head, just walk until you can walk no longer, I'm sure it will calm you and help you get some sleep too.
    Thinking of you and hope the time goes quick till you hear about the job :)

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  6. You have a lot going on-do your best with the weight loss thing, but don't let it add to your stress. We'll be here when you need us.

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  7. Things will work out - they always do. Sorry you are feeling so stressed - deep breaths, my friend. It will be ok. Hugs to you.

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  8. Hang in there Tammy, love you hunni xxx

    Sheilagh

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  9. Oh, Tammy. I can hear your anguish. Though there is nothing physically or financially I can do to help you'll always have my ear on this blog. And you'll have understanding and care and love from your readers. It's a safe place to vent.

    I know you are stressed and feel out of control. The one area in your life where you have control is your health. Hang on to that. I know it sounds cliche and silly to even say when it seems that you have larger problems at hand. But having control over one aspect of your life can give you great peace. And exercise is a great way to help you sleep. At least it works for me....when I actually exercise regularly.

    No matter the number on the scale (high or low) you have friends in Bloggerville. No need to ever worry about that.

    ((HUGS))

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  10. just wanted to send you my support and say I understand how you're feeling. hang in there, things have got to get better soon!

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  11. Girl, I have one thing to say, YOU WILL WEIGH IN ON FRIDAY!!! Lol. I don't know how many times I've been down and out and so depressed I wanted to run away and never be seen again but you were always the one tellin me to never give up and to just "keep on truckin..." Tomorrow is a new day. Maybe you should try a sleeping pill, like 4 tylonol pm's. That works for me. Hope things get better. I know where you live so don't make me come over there.

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  12. Whew! I am so sorry this sh*t is happening to you Tammy. There is some good feedback in the above comments. Try not to self sabatoge and we understand if you need to take a breather from blogging. Just know that we are here to listen when you need it.

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  13. Totally understand that you need a break. My heart goes out to you. Reading your post took me back to a time when I was in a similiar situation. I will be praying for clarity, peace, rest, and strength for you. hugz*

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  14. All your emotions are completely and totally understandable. You are in my thoughts and I hope things work out ok. I feel for you and if there was something I could do I would. I hope you are able to get some rest because I think that will help make you feel a little better. Take it one day at a time or heck one minute if that's all. You have a lot going on and it's ok. Best wishes, you are in my thoughts!

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  15. Weight loss surgery isn't the easy way out. Ask many who have had it done.

    I'm very sorry Tammy. It breaks my heart to read this.

    In my prayers...

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  16. Tammy, I join in the other commenters who wish you the best and want you to take care of yourself. We are encouraging you and praying for you and yours.

    For what it's worth, I have a friend who just found out she wasn't sleeping simply because she was hungry - a blood sugar problem. I know you have diabetes, but this is just a suggestion.

    Please do take a break and concentrate on these other things happening in your life. But please do not entirely lose focus on your health, especially the exercise. I agree with Julia in that you should just take a long walk for stress reduction purposes, and don't count it as exercise.

    All the best,
    Jo

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  17. Take care of what you've got to take care of, Tammy, but do understand that you're really going to be mad and disappointed in yourself if you give back a lot of what you've accomplished thus far. I know that it doesn't seem like your health and wellbeing should be priority one at a time like this, but I'd say that's exactly when it needs to be a high priority.

    I don't know what things are like in your part of the world, but the job market is loosening up in many places. Don't get hung up playing the waiting game for one particular opportunity; get out there and burn up that nervous energy and stress by making the rounds again. The result may surprise you...

    Good luck.

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  18. take a deep breath! I agree, you shouldn't be concentrating on LOSING WEIGHT right now at all. You still need to make healthy choices and eat smart though. Your body had a lot of weight on the shoulders right now and the last thing it needs is eating everything in sight.
    We are going through a rough patch as well (who in the hell keeps saying the economy is getting better?!!). My husband has only worked 3 days last week and again this week.
    One big peice of advise I can give you that is the ONLY thing that works for me when my life is out of control...go out your door and start jogging..turn it into a run until you find yourself gasping for air and hold that pace for a good 1/2 hour (walking when needed). WHen I work myself up to that state, my body starts to just think about getting through that walk/jog/run and is unable to think of all the little things stacked up. By the time I am done, I am thinking more clear and it's easier to sort things out.
    You are going through a lot. Take it one step at a time. And always remember that your tomorrow starts today.
    ((((hugs)))))

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  19. Ugh!! It just breaks my heart to hear your pain. I've had trouble with insomnia many times...that is so hard. I'm so sorry that you have so much instability right now. I'm really praying things will get better for you FAST.

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  20. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{TAMMY}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

    This is awful and stressful. I'm so sorry that things seem to be crappy all around. Please don't give in to stress eating, as it will only start a vicious cycle of increased stress and maybe crash you health. Instead, focus on MAINTAINING at minimum. Just not to gain. Just to hold on. Then, when employment comes to you, and life calms a tad, you can refocus on losing. But keep exercising. It's a stress-reliever and YOU NEED THAT RIGHT NOW.

    Many women over the decades have found their life breakthrough during the worst, darkest, most financially stressful times. They started baking and became a cookie company. They started doing chores for people and became successful entrepreneurs with a maid service or a "wife service". They started just looking around to polish skills and found a career that made them happier. Who knows what great breakthrough can come to you if you just think, "What will I do to overcome this?" There's something in you that can blossom in this desert.

    Even if it's just printing out and mailing out resumes or dropping by businesses and just ASKING if they ahve jobs or whatever, get out there. Because it will make you feel more in control of an uncontrolled and crazy world.

    Don't sit and eat. Go and take a wild risk. It might pay off huge.

    And as I say that, I realize I need to do the very same.

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  21. I am so sorry. At some point things will turn around and this time in your life will be just a "blip" in your life. You will come away learning many valuable lessons and stronger for it.

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  22. I'm thinking of you Tammy. It sounds like you are a comfort to several people, but you need to be comforted right now. I encourage you to pray about it (that would make me feel better), but also keep doing your best to take care of yourself.

    I admire that you went for a walk today. That took some discipline and guts. Hang in there and keep looking for other jobs. Something will happen soon...just hold on.

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  23. Tammy, why don't you just put the weight loss efforts on hold just for now. Try to maintain until you can get your life in order and then get back at it. You need to learn maintenance anyway, so now might be just a good a time as any. Things will get better eventually, I'm sure. Sending hugs your way.

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  24. You've been through so much lately but I think the worst thing you can do right now is walk away from the support system you have here. It's hard to make weight loss a priority when you have so many other important things to worry about. Try not to be so hard on yourself. If you maintain or don't lose it doesn't mean you've been defeated, it just means you hit a few bumps in the road. Hang in there. I'm praying you hear about that job soon so you can take some of that weight of your shoulders and relax a bit. Take care.

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  25. I can understand if exercise has to take a back seat to life. That happens all the time but you have to also eat and there is no reason not to eat healthier choices of food.

    I think walking is a good idea too. Why just sit around letting your brain go 100 miles an hour? Get out there and walk while your brain goes a hundred miles an hour.

    I really feel for you Tammy but I also feel like I have to be a little tough here as well. If our goal is to become healthier as a lifestyle then we need to do this through thick and thin. If you can mantain some semblance of a balanced life through this shit storm then you can prove to yourself that you can handle anything.

    Think about that, and think about it while you are walking.

    MM

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  26. Love you Tammy, thanks for being an angel, taking the time to send me an encouraging message even when you are in such a dark place yourself.

    I hold you in my prayers

    love and hugs always

    Sheilagh
    xxx

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  27. Money problems are always the worst. I know all will get better and I'm crossing my fingers that it's sooner rather then later:)

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