The girl at TRC Staffing emailed me this morning to let me know that Rhonda, the lady I interviewed with on Monday, is out of the ofc today and tomorrow, so maybe I'll hear something by Friday...who knows. I feel like I've been holding my breath for 3 days because so much stuff rides on me finding a job and finding one fast. I've had insomnia for a solid week now, ever since I first talked to the operations director on the phone last Tuesday about this job. I just cannot seem to shut my brain off at night and go to sleep. I get in bed around 11pm and I lay awake until well after 3am most nights....then I'm right up and out of bed again between 6:30-7:00am. This has added to my stress, and when I found out today that I'm not going to know anything on the job for at least another 2-3 days, the dam broke and I started crying. I'm exhausted. I'm stressed to no end. I'm scared. I'm a lot of things.
I texted Dwayne and he called me. I blurted all this out about the stress, no sleep, wanting to eat everything in sight (stress eating) but trying not to....trying to control it....and I screamed at him that I'm ready to just go beg someone to give me weight loss surgery and at least solve one of my many problems.
He tried to console me, and said that he's had a really shitty morning, too. He's known for a few weeks now that his job is in jeopardy because of restructuring at work. He's in one division of Quality Assurance for a particular product...their flagship product...and the girl under him quit and found another job about a month ago. Then his supervisor quit and found another job 2 weeks ago. He's the only one left working on this particular product. He tried to see if there was an open req in another department...the only other one he's qualified to work in....and they tried to get him over there, but yesterday the decision was made that anymore open req's for that department would be filled in their ofc in Costa Rica because it's cheaper to hire there. So he can't transfer in order to keep his job....and the position he's in now is on thin ice. If he loses his job, not only will he not be able to help me financially....he'll be hard-pressed to take care of his own bills. The big boss from Israel is in town and things are changing even as I type this. He's scared...just like I am.
Add to this that last night my roommate Shane came home after visiting his Dad in the hospital, who's been in there for nearly 2 weeks now. (He's in and out a lot, he has a multitude of severe health problems). Yesterday his dad went into congestive heart failure. Shane said he looked gray, and that he refused his feeding tube. Billie and Shane were supposed to get married in October, and his Dad was going to be his best man. Last night Shane told me that Billie is checking into a marriage license today, and that he is going to check with the chaplain at the hospital and see if they can get married in the chapel there so his dad can be part of the wedding before he passes. This morning Shane texted me and said his dad might of had an anyrysm, or ambulism, or something like that. Things are going downhill fast.
So as morbid as this sounds, we've got a looming funeral in the distance. And on the practical side of things where I'm concerned, if Shane's Dad passes, or even if he doesn't, but he and Billie get married in the chapel at the hospital this week....I don't expect Shane to keep up his end of our rental agreement and continue to live here with me and pay half the bills. It is humanly impossible for me to pay the full amount on our rent or any of our utilities. I don't mean to be crass talking about bills while his Dad's impending passing is obviously more important...but this is my reality, and these are things that I think and worry about.
And then there's the weight loss that I'm supposed to be prioritizing. I was 247.4 last Friday. I got on the scale this morning and I'm 243. I was 241 lbs yesterday morning, but I had too much sodium yesterday. So 4.4 lbs. gone so far. I didn't want to go to the park and walk this morning, but I did it, and it hurt. The muscles in my legs are really tight and burning because I've been out of the exercise groove for so long.
I'm going to be honest with you, because I've always been honest with you on this blog. I don't want to concentrate on losing weight right now. Wait...I'll re-phrase that. I want to care...but I'm finding it hard to concentrate and focus and make it my #1 priority. I feel like things are crashing down all around me and I have an overwhelming desire to stress eat even though I know it's wrong....even though I know I'll regret it later and it will compound all of my problems. I feel like I'm not strong enough to beat this right now. I keep telling myself that you can't wait til things "get easier", because Life is always going to throw you curveballs. Life is always going to be unfair and it's always going to be messy. I don't want to be one of those people who says they're start tomorrow, or next week, or next month. I know better than that. I know those excuses are bullshit. But what I also know is that my defenses are down....I can't seem to stop crying today...I want to be comforted and no comfort is to be found.
I've tried to think of ways to distract myself....I can't read a book because I can't concentrate on it and I read the same damn sentence 20x over. I can't take a nap and get some much needed rest because my brain will not shut off and let me rest. It's racing a million miles a minute with all kinds of thoughts and worries. I don't want to just get out in the car and drive around for a couple of different reasons. For one, I don't trust myself not to drive to a buffet restaurant. For another, it's at least 90 degrees outside today, I don't have air conditioning in my car, and driving around feeling like I'm going to have a heat stroke puts me in an even worse mood. I can't stop and get out somewhere and go shopping in a nice air-conditioned store because I don't have any money to spend and window shopping for stuff I can't afford to buy makes me zone in on just how bad off I am financially, which leads to more stress and depression.
I know I'm rambling here....I'm just journaling out my thoughts. Here's another piece of honesty. I don't know what the scale is going to say on Friday. I don't know if I can hold onto the 243 or if it will be higher. I don't know if I'm going to post my weigh-in, take a picture of the scale, or even be blogging at all for a while. I'm embarassed that I've struggled so much with my weight loss. I'm mad that it seems so hard when it really shouldn't be. It should be as simple (not easy, but simple), as making a decision and sticking to it. My decision should be as "iron clad" as Sean's is, and my "steel curtain zone" should actually be made out of steel, and not Jell-O.
I'm tired, mad, sad, stressed, depressed, unfocused, overwhelmed, scared...you name it. I don't know when I'll be back to blog again, but I wanted to at least let you know that. Take care everyone.
4 months ago