A food addict's travels on the road to recovery.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Wow This Is Hard

Ok.  So you all know I wasn't able to buy groceries for 3 weeks and just had to make due with what I already had in the house....and I've been maintaining a weight of 247 lbs. for the last few weeks now.  Well I finally got a chance to buy groceries last Sunday morning and I've been eating reall well for the last 4 days.  I got on the scale this morning and what did I see?  247 lbs.  Really?  Seriously?? 

I know what the problem is.  I'm just eating too much.  Granted....I'm eating good, decent stuff....not crap food.  But I'm still eating too much...as in....all day long at my desk at work.  Yogurt....grapes...blackberries...lowfat Wheat Thins....baked chicken & broccoli....italian chicken sausages w/ onions and peppers on whole wheat buns...apples...oranges.  These are the types of things I've eaten for the last 4 days.  And yes, I'm still the exact same weight as last week.  Doesn't give me much hope for Friday's weigh-in.
I'm very discouraged about this.  Being out of work for so long...this is something I'd forgotten about.  The constant opportunity to snack.  What's weird is I didn't constantly snack at home when I was on unemployment for nearly a year and a half.  Nowhere near as often as I do now.  Why is that?  I really don't know.  I just don't know.  Why can't I seem to control or stop it?  I don't know that either.

My clothes are too tight.  All of them.  They've been too tight for a few weeks now and I've been miserable and uncomfortable, no matter what I put on to wear.  I seriously considered hitting up the Goodwill for a bigger size and today it finally hit me.  What the hell are you talking about Tammy?  Bigger clothes?  Are you a complete and total moron?  Be HAPPY that your clothes don't have elastic in the waists anymore because now your clothes can be a fantastic indicator for when you need to seriously pull in the reigns!  And that's what I've been trying to do.

I thought I was on the right track w/ buying the healthier stuff...fresh produce and such.  But it turns out that even if you're not eating the junky, crap food....you can still eat too much of the good stuff and not lose weight.  That's a real bummer.  I've been very stressed (happy...but stressed) with learning a new job....trying to set up a HUGE garage sale that's not working out (tried to place ads this week and they wanted $45 for 2 days....NO CAN DO).....trying to plan to move to my new apt in a month (thinking about setting up the electric, gas, cable/internet, etc....changing mailing address with every company I deal with, changing it at the post ofc, getting my car tag before my birthday, getting an oil change that I desperately need....did I mention I had to replace the front brakes on my car and that was a whopping $430???....trying to get my house packed and having nowhere to put the boxes because the garage is FULL of garage sale stuff....dreading having to haul all that sh*t to Goodwill if nothing sells....buying posterboard and markers and making up about 10 signs to put out since I can't afford the ads)....and the list goes on and on.

I figured getting this weight off would be one little bright spot in a sea of stress and something I could be proud of  and happy about...have the feeling that I've accomplished SOMETHING and exercised SOME sort of control in all of this mess.  But it's just not happening.  It's very discouraging.  I guess 9 hours is a lot of time to spend in one spot (at my desk...entering insurance claims among other things)...and once an hour...i'm grabbing for something to eat.  That's a lot of food in 9 hours.  I guess maybe it's boredom?  Some days are busier than others, but let's face it....insurance claims isn't a fast-paced, high-stress job, unless there's a tornado or something that's blown through.....some reason for someone to file a claim.  But most days are pretty slow-going....and that leaves a lot of time to eat. 

So this is where I'm at.  Happy with my job....excited and stressed about my move....and disgusted with my fat body and my lack of discipline when it comes to shoving food in my mouth, no matter how healthy it is.  And it has not escaped me that I'm only 25 lbs less than I was when I started this blog a year ago this month.  25 lbs lost in a year.  Wow.  I suck.  Big time.

A lot of days I have every inclination to shut this blog down for good.  Just disappear.  And you know why, right?  Because how many times...how many days and weeks and months can you post about what you want to do...what you're going to do...only to fail miserably time and time again.  25 lbs in a year???  Is that giving it my best effort?  Of course not.  I don't think we can even call that giving it 50% effort in the grand scheme of things.  It's pathetic...pure and simple.  It's disheartening.  I'm disappointed in myself and my lack of consistency, perseverance and discipline.  I know exactly what it takes to lose this weight.  I could tell someone else exactly how to do it and feel completely confident in what I was saying.  But I haven't applied my knowledge on a regular, consistent basis.  I get a big, fat "F" in the Focus department.  I deserve my lack of weight loss because I haven't worked for it.  I've let negativity, bad circumstances, depression, stress (good and bad), emotion of every kind rule my mind and come inbetween me and my goal.  Yes...I'm disappointed in myself.  So am I going to shut down my blog?

The answer to that is no.  Why?  Because I still have some flicker of hope burning inside me that one day I'll get it right.  I think when my move is over and I'm settled in there that I'll have more time to devote to blogging.  And I really get a lot out of it when I do it.  I've made so many good connections and friendships with people who are just like me.  The comraderie can't be matched.  This is the best forum in the world to share your struggles as well as your triumphs.  In our little virtual world here, we're free to be as open as honest as we dare.  And it's amazing.  It's more than I've ever shared or enjoyed with friends in my every day or "real" life.  I've laughed with you....I've cried with you....I've prayed for you....I've tried your recipes...I've found out about new products....I've shared your victories along the road and I've held your hand through the less-than-triumphant times....we're family.  And at this juncture in my life and in my weight loss travels...I just can't imagine doing it without you.  So I'm still here...and will continue to be.  I'll continue to pop in with little updates until things straighten out and settle down.  I'm in a valley right now....but all that means is that there's bound to be another mountaintop up ahead.  Things will get better.  I do have it in me to conquer this...I know I do...and I know you do, too.  So as always....we'll continue down this road together and when we finally reach our goals...no matter how long it takes us to get there...we'll celebrate it together...just like family.  :)

17 comments:

  1. The mental gymnastics, including your steel curtain zone---are imperative elements along this road. Deciding that no circumstance, emotion, person, place, or thing can steal this transformation road away from you---means you have to fight for yourself and your journey. When it starts raining down hard---that's when you must be tough as nails---knowing that regardless of the situation, you're not giving this transformation back---You're done sacrificing yourself for everything else. Your time is now---so if it must rain, let it rain---Because you're headed for beautiful sunshine my friend. Steel Curtain Zone---search my blog for it...read it, read it again---and again---make your own zone, get in it---and let's move forward.
    You have a gift Tammy. Your ability to communicate effectively in the toughest of circumstances, displaying the raw emotions of your moments and days---it lets so many know that they're not alone. Now show them how to absolutely stare down all comers---and win this thing regardless of the storms. You CAN.

    My best always---you know that,
    Sean

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  2. I'm glad you're not giving up on your blog. I wouldn't be surprised if the reason you aren't dropping weight is because you're stressed about the move and the job and all the changes you're going through.

    I'm coming up on my 3rd year anniversary of blogging and only recently (Nov.) started showing any progress with my weight loss when I got out of the stressful enviornment at work. Stay strong, hang in there and I'll see you on that next mountaintop. ;)

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  3. Tammy, you do have a gift of communicating and baring your emotions, so please don't give up your blog. I've only been around here for a few months, but you have inspired me more than I can say. If you're like me, blogging is therapeutic in that there are those of us who hold your hand, urge you to vent, laugh and cry with you, and all the things you mentioned that families do together.

    I would look on the bright side of the weight thing: In spite of all the stress and major life changes you are going through, you DID NOT GAIN. I know that staying the same is not as uplifting as a loss, but, girl, you are really going through some major life crises here.

    About the snacking, I got into that habit, too, because my workplace allowed us to have food at our desks. Try to only allow yourself one healthy snack at mid-morning and mid-afternoon and not eat just because everyone else is doing so. I know it's hard, but it's a habit, and we need to break the bad ones and form good ones.

    Keep the faith! You have come so far in just a couple of weeks, and will be a better person for having survived it!

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  4. Okay, well, I will say that STRESS can be a weight loss inhibitor. So if you're stressed at work, then your weight loss might stall a bit until you get settled...
    And 25 pounds is 25 POUNDS woman. You weigh less than you did a year ago. Not the same. Not MORE. I know it's frustrating because I'm sure you're like me and want to wake up 50 pounds lighter tomorrow morning. But still - 25 pounds are GONE.
    FYI - why not place an ad for the garage sale on Craigslist? Back in the day when I used to troll garage sales every. single. Saturday I would get all my info from Craigslist...

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  5. Know exactly from where you speak Tammy.
    I'm weak too. No will power, no gumption, no get up and go.
    Some days are better than others and I've found my voice a little.
    One day at a time. One step forward and sometimes two steps backwards.
    I'm right behind you and so many others climbing that same mountain.
    You have lots of company my friend. You are NOT ALONE!

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  6. We are fam-ilyyyy... I've got all my sisters with me...

    Oh yah, sorry I broke out into song... PFFTTTtt!! We can do this! 25 pounds is still great Tammy. It's a hell of a lot better than gaining 25, or even 1... thats for sure. Keep your eye on the prize and we will all win together :)

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  7. Well Tammy, I've been blogging for a year and last Friday was actually up from my earliest weight once I started blogging. Maybe that's why we love each other!! Seriously, this is a hard journey, and it never will be a linear one for me, and maybe for you either. Ups and downs in life and in our psyches all factor in. Of course you can do it, but it's hard to put it at the top of the list with all the uncertainty, stress and busy-ness you're encountering right now.

    In the big picture, you're down 93 pounds from your highest weight! That's incredible. To maintain that for a period of time is no small task. Just hang in and keep eating the healthy stuff. I feel like me giving you suggestions is like a blind person teaching someone to drive! We know what to do and how to do it...it's just hard to muster the ooomph. I'm so glad you're sticking around.

    Hey, I just had an idea for when you're not swamped with life - to refresh your mind about blogging, check out the new template designs available. I just did that and every time I go to my blog, I'm still surprised at the new look! Dumb, but you never know what will help inspire. ((((HUGS))))

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  8. Hey Tammy, I just started following your blog a couple of weeks ago (and started my own about my weight loss journey) and you are a big inspiration to me! 25 pounds! Way to go! That is alot. (and it's like Leslie said..in the big picture you're down 93 pounds!) Don't beat yourself up too much because it will just cause you more stress!

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  9. Don't be so hard on yourself (I know that's easier said then done;)! Give yourself some time to settle in, figure things out, and learn how to not snack all day. You'll get there!

    And you do NOT suck! You've lost 25 pounds in a year, and I think that's great! How much do you think you'd weigh, if you had gone this whole year not trying to lose weight? Before I went on a "diet" I would gain at least 10 pounds a year! If you're anything like me, then really you've lost 35! The 25 pounds you lost + the 10 pounds you prevented yourself from gaining! You've changed your life around, and have gained so much knowledge in the past year! Not to mention all people you have inspired! You rock!

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  10. I have followed you a long time and would miss you. Desk jobs are soooo hard to keep from eating.

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  11. Tammy, I understand the snacking at work thing. I used to be a receptionist, and some days it would be very fast-paced and hella busy so I wouldn't be thinking about food, but on the slow days, I would get the urge to snack. I finally just realized that I had to only bring my lunch and like, one snack because otherwise I'd eat way too much as well. So I'd suggest just limiting the amount of food you bring with you and then you can't eat.

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  12. Yard sale - what about a free listing/advertising on Craig's List?

    Weight loss - Pls don't disregard 25 lbs in one year. That IS something, Tammy! I know lots of bloggers have big impressive #'s in one month, but 25 in a year totally counts! I saw on someone's blog "A year from now you will probably wish you had started today". Well, T, a year later you are down 25 lbs. You STARTED. You are beyond starting. You got this thing.

    Food - glad to hear you are eating healthy natural things. Would it work to munch carrots at your desk? Green beans? Chew gum? Sip water?

    We are all beside ya, girl. Your cheering section.

    Chrissy

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  13. Tammy--if you suck for only losing 25 pounds in a year, does that mean I doubly such for only losing 15 this year? (Sorry, I know the math is off, but not by much). Considering all the sh*t you've had to cope with, I think you're doing very well. Life happens, and we have to learn how to eat and exercise as it does. Here's to another good year with more focus for both of us!

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  14. so glad you arent shutting down.

    and will spend some time today thinking about how I got around the snackage thing as I put on 15 lbs FAST when I initially took a deskjob (and that was from nonjunky food too).

    its a challenge.

    xo xo

    MizFit

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  15. Don't beat yourself up, it's hard! It took me a year to loose around 35lbs and now it's about two years later and I am only around 40 lbs lost. It makes me so discouraged but at least I haven't gained, it's been almost a full year now since I have lost much of anything. I just keep at it and keep tackling it day by day hoping I will get it right! Keep up the great work! You are doing awesome! Don't give up!!!

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  16. hi tammy, i feel the same about this supportive community!

    life's hard enough without having to worry about losing weight and maintaining focus when you have bills to pay, work's intense, relationships are straining . . . sometimes it has to sit on the backburner. you can't feel guilty about that. we can only do so much.

    i think what matters is making a return and not giving up, no matter how slow and painful the process. never being content with being ho-hum, always wanting better, keeping that flicker of hope alive. just like you're doing.

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