Ok. So you all know I wasn't able to buy groceries for 3 weeks and just had to make due with what I already had in the house....and I've been maintaining a weight of 247 lbs. for the last few weeks now. Well I finally got a chance to buy groceries last Sunday morning and I've been eating reall well for the last 4 days. I got on the scale this morning and what did I see? 247 lbs. Really? Seriously??
I know what the problem is. I'm just eating too much. Granted....I'm eating good, decent stuff....not crap food. But I'm still eating too much...as in....all day long at my desk at work. Yogurt....grapes...blackberries...lowfat Wheat Thins....baked chicken & broccoli....italian chicken sausages w/ onions and peppers on whole wheat buns...apples...oranges. These are the types of things I've eaten for the last 4 days. And yes, I'm still the exact same weight as last week. Doesn't give me much hope for Friday's weigh-in.
I'm very discouraged about this. Being out of work for so long...this is something I'd forgotten about. The constant opportunity to snack. What's weird is I didn't constantly snack at home when I was on unemployment for nearly a year and a half. Nowhere near as often as I do now. Why is that? I really don't know. I just don't know. Why can't I seem to control or stop it? I don't know that either.
My clothes are too tight. All of them. They've been too tight for a few weeks now and I've been miserable and uncomfortable, no matter what I put on to wear. I seriously considered hitting up the Goodwill for a bigger size and today it finally hit me. What the hell are you talking about Tammy? Bigger clothes? Are you a complete and total moron? Be HAPPY that your clothes don't have elastic in the waists anymore because now your clothes can be a fantastic indicator for when you need to seriously pull in the reigns! And that's what I've been trying to do.
I thought I was on the right track w/ buying the healthier stuff...fresh produce and such. But it turns out that even if you're not eating the junky, crap food....you can still eat too much of the good stuff and not lose weight. That's a real bummer. I've been very stressed (happy...but stressed) with learning a new job....trying to set up a HUGE garage sale that's not working out (tried to place ads this week and they wanted $45 for 2 days....NO CAN DO).....trying to plan to move to my new apt in a month (thinking about setting up the electric, gas, cable/internet, etc....changing mailing address with every company I deal with, changing it at the post ofc, getting my car tag before my birthday, getting an oil change that I desperately need....did I mention I had to replace the front brakes on my car and that was a whopping $430???....trying to get my house packed and having nowhere to put the boxes because the garage is FULL of garage sale stuff....dreading having to haul all that sh*t to Goodwill if nothing sells....buying posterboard and markers and making up about 10 signs to put out since I can't afford the ads)....and the list goes on and on.
I figured getting this weight off would be one little bright spot in a sea of stress and something I could be proud of and happy about...have the feeling that I've accomplished SOMETHING and exercised SOME sort of control in all of this mess. But it's just not happening. It's very discouraging. I guess 9 hours is a lot of time to spend in one spot (at my desk...entering insurance claims among other things)...and once an hour...i'm grabbing for something to eat. That's a lot of food in 9 hours. I guess maybe it's boredom? Some days are busier than others, but let's face it....insurance claims isn't a fast-paced, high-stress job, unless there's a tornado or something that's blown through.....some reason for someone to file a claim. But most days are pretty slow-going....and that leaves a lot of time to eat.
So this is where I'm at. Happy with my job....excited and stressed about my move....and disgusted with my fat body and my lack of discipline when it comes to shoving food in my mouth, no matter how healthy it is. And it has not escaped me that I'm only 25 lbs less than I was when I started this blog a year ago this month. 25 lbs lost in a year. Wow. I suck. Big time.
A lot of days I have every inclination to shut this blog down for good. Just disappear. And you know why, right? Because how many times...how many days and weeks and months can you post about what you want to do...what you're going to do...only to fail miserably time and time again. 25 lbs in a year??? Is that giving it my best effort? Of course not. I don't think we can even call that giving it 50% effort in the grand scheme of things. It's pathetic...pure and simple. It's disheartening. I'm disappointed in myself and my lack of consistency, perseverance and discipline. I know exactly what it takes to lose this weight. I could tell someone else exactly how to do it and feel completely confident in what I was saying. But I haven't applied my knowledge on a regular, consistent basis. I get a big, fat "F" in the Focus department. I deserve my lack of weight loss because I haven't worked for it. I've let negativity, bad circumstances, depression, stress (good and bad), emotion of every kind rule my mind and come inbetween me and my goal. Yes...I'm disappointed in myself. So am I going to shut down my blog?
The answer to that is no. Why? Because I still have some flicker of hope burning inside me that one day I'll get it right. I think when my move is over and I'm settled in there that I'll have more time to devote to blogging. And I really get a lot out of it when I do it. I've made so many good connections and friendships with people who are just like me. The comraderie can't be matched. This is the best forum in the world to share your struggles as well as your triumphs. In our little virtual world here, we're free to be as open as honest as we dare. And it's amazing. It's more than I've ever shared or enjoyed with friends in my every day or "real" life. I've laughed with you....I've cried with you....I've prayed for you....I've tried your recipes...I've found out about new products....I've shared your victories along the road and I've held your hand through the less-than-triumphant times....we're family. And at this juncture in my life and in my weight loss travels...I just can't imagine doing it without you. So I'm still here...and will continue to be. I'll continue to pop in with little updates until things straighten out and settle down. I'm in a valley right now....but all that means is that there's bound to be another mountaintop up ahead. Things will get better. I do have it in me to conquer this...I know I do...and I know you do, too. So as always....we'll continue down this road together and when we finally reach our goals...no matter how long it takes us to get there...we'll celebrate it together...just like family. :)
3 months ago