One Leg At A Time

You guys are the best.  Really, you are.  I was humbled by all of the supportive comments.  I love that you care and understand about what's going on with me.  Thank you for not judging me for my bad choices and my negative attitude, and thank you even more for encouraging me to never give up, no matter how rocky it gets.  You make a girl want to dig deep and find the fortitude and strength to get back up on the horse....for the millionth time.

The first comment I received last night was from Jack Sh*t.  When I saw it sitting in my inbox I was like, "Ahhh crap.  Time to take my butt-kickin'"....lol.  So I opened it and read it, and when I got to the part about time to put my big girl panties on, because if I don't, pretty soon it will be time to put on the REALLY big girl panties.....well I just had to laugh out loud.  It was so endearing.  He actually cares about little ol' me...just one little speck on his global map of followers....and I appreciate that he's always willing to plant his foot up my rear whenever I need it.  I'm glad that all of you care, and I love all the different ways that you express it. 

Sean and I are pretty close friends and have been for a while now.  He called me last night and let me cry on his shoulder.  Then he left a big comment on my crappy post, too.  I really wish I was as awesome at this whole weight loss thing as he is.  There's a few of you out there that just blow my mind.  I'm glad I have all of you as inspiration to keep fighting the fight.

I'm trying to put my "big girl panties" on...one leg at a time.  I feel like I got one leg in today, but I'm kind of hopping around on one foot.  I still don't have it all together.  My calories went over 1800.  I'm going to have a significant gain Friday morning.  I got on the scale today and oh dear Lord I don't even want to report it.  But I'm going to.  It's all part of that whole honesty thing.  And I hope none of you are actually looking to me or my blog for any kind of real inspiration on how to lose weight, lol.  If anything, I hope you're here to learn what NOT to do...especially when the going gets rough.  I fail way more than I succeed.  I really don't know why I stay in the game.  Maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment. 

I drank more water today, but not enough.  I did manage to get my fat a$$ to the gym tonight and I worked out with Billie for an hour.  I so did not want to.  By the time 5:30p rolled around, when it was time to leave for the gym, I really had to drag myself out to the car.  I repeated, "I don't want to do this...I don't want to do this..." all the way there.  But once you get to the gym and your workout partner is there waiting on you, you kind of have to do it. 

I checked my bank account this morning, and my paycheck wasn't direct deposited.  Uh oh.  I thought I had 2 more weeks of pay left.  Great.  So I went BACK up to Hell (Dept of Labor), just like I did on Monday...sat around and waited forever....and finally found out that my year had "ran out", and it was time to fill out new paperwork before I could get paid.  "When did my year end?", I asked.  "On Feb. 19th", I was told.  "But I was up here 2 days ago, on March 1st, so why didn't you have me fill it out then so I could get paid today?".  "I guess it got overlooked...sorry". (Oh it's no big deal...no problem...it's just my LIFE you're screwing with lady!)  Pffft.  Whatever. 

So I filled out my paperwork and they told me there was a huge back log due to all the red tape bullsh*t going on with Congress and the extension scare.  She said I'll get a check some time next week...somewhere between Wed and Fri.  Great.  No money for a week.  Now what?  I left and ran some errands with my sister Amy, then went home and thought about who wasn't going to get their bill money this week.  Dwayne called this afternoon and I told him what happened. 

So tonight, after I got home from the gym, my knight in shining armor (Dwayne), rode up to my castle on his white stallion (drove up to my rental house in his Honda Accord V6 coupe), and laid his riches at my feet (handed me enough cash to equal the paycheck I didn't get).  I really don't know why he loves me.  I have nothing to offer him.  I can't pull my own weight with my own bills, I can't seem to find a job, I drive a really old, crappy car that HE keeps paying the repair bills on, I lost some weight and now only have 3 shirts in the size I'm wearing now, so he sees me in the same old clothes week after week....the boy is blind, quite obviously, but I thank God for him every day.  He and Scarlette are the bright spots in my life, without a doubt.

The lady at the Dept of Labor said that Pres. Obama signed off on the extension last night.  Apparently they conned that Senator in Kentucky into putting it through (God only knows how many billions they promised to give him for his state to get him to comply).  They said there will be a little backlog, but since I still had 2 checks coming anyway, then it might all go through before my checks end.  They said the tier I'm on is scheduled to run through April 3rd with this new legislation, about 4 more weeks from now.  They also said that it should....SHOULD....make me eligible for the next tier...but couldn't give me any idea whatsoever on how many weeks that would be.  They said I'd get a letter in the mail if I'm going to get anything past April 3rd. 

I should probably be happy and relieved about this right?  So don't ask me why I'm not.  It's not that I'm ungrateful or unappreciative.  It's hard to explain what I am.  Scared, for sure.  Untrusting of anything they say because they've abruptly ended my checks 2x now with very little notice.  Things change on a dime around that place and it's hard living day to day with no safety or security.  I'm not a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kinda' girl.  I like to know what the hell's going on.  I like to plan things and know what I can count on.  I like things like job security, no matter how boring and mundane the job is.  But you don't always get what you want.  This past year has been one of the roughest, most stressful ones I think I've ever had.  I should be used to the curve balls by now, but obviously I'm not.  I obviously don't handle stress and emotional upheaval very well at all.  The scale will scream that loud and clear Friday morning. 

We buy groceries every 2 weeks, and this is grocery week, so I'll be going to the store tomorrow.  I'm planning on stocking up on a bunch of healthy junk....fruit and veggies out the ears.  I'm going to try to get that other leg in my panties tomorrow and see if I can get this show back on the road.  My focus is still not squarely back on the calories and exercise like it should be....my mind still keeps drifting off to the money problems and such.  But I'm going to keep working on it.  Hopefully I'll get it right soon.  One thing's for sure.  I do care enough to know that I don't want to go back up the scale.  And I know how very fast it happens.  It takes FOR-friggin'-EVER to lose the weight, but it only takes a flash to pack it all back on.  Life is so unfair in that way, don't 'cha think?  Yeah, me too.  But I guess nobody ever promised us fair.  What we do have though is the power to choose our own attitudes each day, and the power to make daily choices.  It's up to us to decide whether those choices are good ones or bad ones.  I need to really concentrate over the next few days on making the good ones again.  I don't want it to be too late. 

Quote For the Day:

"Knowing is not enough, we must apply.  Willing is not enough, we must do."  -Johann von Goethe