I learned something about myself today. I'm getting better at dealing with, and changing, the reasons I became obese in the first place. I've always been the poster girl for emotional eating. Not anymore.
I heard some really bad news today about someone that I love. It doesn't affect me directly, but to them....for their life....it's devastating. My heart aches for them. Not long after I heard the news, maybe an hour or so, I felt an old, familiar feeling coming over me. The binge feeling. It always shows up in a helpless, hopeless situation, and before 5 months ago, I always gave in to it, without even much of a thought, really.
Well not today. I felt it, and for a change, I actually RECOGNIZED it for what it was BEFORE I shoved anything in my mouth. Next was the decision on whether or not to give in to it. The first amazing thing was that I even took the time to make a decision. The second amazing thing is that I decided not to give in. I chose me over the heartache. I chose my health, and all the progress I've made, and the goal I've got my eyes fixed on over the stupid eating.
I think this means I'm finally learning to compartmentalize. I have been yearning to learn this new skill. It's a tough one to get a grip on, but once you start to, what a feeling of freedom. If I keep practicing this, it's going to make me free from obesity forever.
It doesn't mean that I don't care about this person, or the tragedy they're trying to deal with right now. In fact, it means just the opposite. We can't be there to help our family and friends through problems in their life if we're dead from a heart attack, stroke, diabetes, etc. None of us can. It's a matter of separating the feelings and how you deal with them. Losing my weight, and dealing with the way I got obese in the first place, is starting to become a separate issue from everything else that happens in my life....good or bad.
While grieving for my loved one today, I felt frantic, nervous, helpless, out of control....and I felt like my hands wanted to be doing something (shoving food into my face), and like my mouth wanted to be chewing on that food. It's a knee jerk reaction for me, because I've done this very thing for what....20 years??
So instead of bingeing, I told myself no, I know what's going on here, and I'm changing my life. This is not the way I will continue to react to these situations. I ended up chomping on some sugar-free chewing gum while I busied my hands cleaning out my closet. I packed up a big box of clothes that are too big for me now, and got everything else in there organized. I downed a couple of 32 oz. glasses of water to make my stomach feel super full, and that's how I got through it.
After such a mentally exhausting afternoon, I started thinking that I didn't want to go to the gym tonight with Billie like we planned to do at 6pm. I told myself I was just too tired. This was the first time I told myself I wasn't going since I joined about a month ago. It was such a foreign feeling, because I LOVE going to the gym. Exercise is not just good for you physically, but it's sooooo good for you mentally. You get to work out all of your stresses and Lord knows there's plenty of those, aren't there?
That's when I realized that the gym was EXACTLY where I needed to be. I told myself that if I can just make myself get there, and especially during the really rough times, then I've got this thing licked. I beat the binge, and I was going to beat the exhaustion and get to the gym. That's what I did. I did Day 2 on the C25K (the first 3 days on Week One are all the same), and I finished a lot stronger than I did a couple of days ago. I also did 3 reps on all the machines in my weight circuit. It takes us about 1 1/2 hours for our workouts, and it's the best hour and a half of my day.
I came in at 1700 calories again today, and took a little peek at the scale when I got out of bed this morning, to see how things were going. I weighed exactly the same this morning as I did last Friday. Huh? Not sure what's up with that, but it's only mid-week, so no need to fret. My crazy a$$ body has been known to add and drop 7 lbs in a single day. The only day that matters is Friday, so I'll just keep plugging along and we'll see how it works out. 'Nite friends. :)
Quote For the Day:
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." -Dale Carnegie
4 months ago