Just letting everyone know I'm still alive. I'm going to try to update you w/o making this a depressing post.
The last post I did garnered more comments than I've ever received before. I have no words that would be adequate enough to say thank you for the outpouring of support. I've also received a few emails from people who took the time to reach out to me on a more personal level. I'm amazed, and just so thankful. It doesn't matter to me that I've never met any of you face-to-face...you've been the best group of friends a girl could ever have. Hugs to each and everyone of you.
There's been some really retarded eating going on....shameful stuff. I hate reporting it, and to tell you the truth, I almost didn't. I considered the accountability factor for myself....and then said that's hogwash...I know what I've done...I don't need to go back and re-read it at any point to remind myself.
I'll tell you why I decided to lay it out there. It's to keep the honesty factor in this blog consistent. It helps to type out all the crap, it really does. It helps me mentally and emotionally to just spill my guts. It's like a release, and keeping all the junk bottled up can be toxic. At least for me.
The other reason I decided to go ahead and post about the last few days is because since I started this blog, I've gotten several emails from different people telling me that it inspires them and helps them feel like they're not alone. Even the negative fodder. I know all about feeling alone and it sucks. I'm not talking about relationship-wise. I'm talking about the solitude that comes with being overweight, or obese. Fat is an insulator. It blocks out a lot of things. I could do a whole in-depth post on this, and maybe I will one day, but if you're feeling alone inside you're obesity, then you totally get what I'm saying. So I decided to keep the honesty going in hopes that it might help someone else.
Let's back up to Friday. I weighed 222.4, satisfied that I lost 3.6 lbs with that weigh-in. I bragged about being .4 of a lb. away from losing 50 lbs., and that I was only 23 lbs. away from Onederland. My how things can change in a week....or only 5 days, actually.
Friday I overate, having Thanksgiving dinner at my parents and really not caring about portion control. In fact, I can't even say I really enjoyed it. It tasted great, sure, but I remember I was feeling zombie-like. I was heart-broken, had a 2-day headache going on, and was trying to concentrate on not breaking down in tears at the dinner table. I ate to the point of misery. It was odd. My stomach was poking out like a basketball and it was rock hard. I made my mom feel it. I haven't felt like that in a while....back before I started blogging, in fact.
Saturday was really bad. I didn't just overeat at one meal....I treated my body like a garbage disposal ALL DAY. Dwayne normally comes over on Friday nights and stays all day/evening on Saturday. It's been that way forever, and I was like a little girl lost with a full Saturday in front of me and no Dwayne. I had nothing to do but sit at home, cry, and eat. I knew I wasn't ready to go to the gym yet, simply because I couldn't control the crying (sobbing, really), and I didn't want people staring at me if I couldn't hold it together. But Billie asked me to go, so I did. I made it 30 mins on the treadmill, about 2 miles, and then the song "Kryptonite" came on my MP3 player and I just lost it. I kept walking, and crying, and by the time I hit 2.5 miles, I still couldn't get it dried up, so I told Billie I had to leave. We didn't stay to do the weight machines.
Sunday I told myself I needed to reign the calories back in, and started counting them again. But the desire just wasn't there. If this were a normal week, I would have eaten 1700, but I ended up at 1800 that day. Billie asked me to go to the gym again, and I did. This time I actually had a great workout. I made it all the way through the treadmill and the weight machines and back to my car before the tears fell again.
Monday, I went and got all of my hair chopped off. I thought a change would make me feel a little better. In a way it does, in a way it doesn't. I just hate my hair period. Hate it. It's very, very thin..constantly falling out and has been for years. I've heard it's because of my thyroid, then I heard it's because of the diabetes, and then I heard that I'm just unlucky. I heard all of that from 3 different doctors in the last few years, by the way. I put some Clairol Natural Instincts non-permanent hair color on it to cover the gray. Pam told me the exact color to get to match my natural color the best. I was thankful for that, because I didn't want to change the color....just cover the gray...and that's what it did. Back off the wagon with the food again though on Monday....I knew I needed to get a grip before things got too far out of hand, but truly, I just didn't care. I didn't feel like caring. That would have taken more effort than I could muster up. And I didn't go to the gym. Billie had to cancel and it was the perfect excuse for me to lay on the sofa with Scarlette and do nothing.
This morning, I had a dr's appt. I weighed myself before I went and just cried my eyes out. I got to the dr's ofc, and their scale said the exact same thing. 232 lbs. I've gained 10 lbs. in 4-5 days. No, it's not 10 lbs. of fat. Mother Nature dropped in for a Thanksgiving visit today, so I know some of it is bloating. Also, I've been eating a lot of stuff out of the freezer....easy stuff that you just heat in the microwave...and all of that crap food is loaded with sodium. I'm ballparking here, but maybe 5 lbs of water weight and 5 lbs of fat? Who knows.
It became very apparent to me today though that sad or not, it's time to separate the food from the emotions. It has to be done. The last thing I need is to gain my weight back. How stupid is that? Just when I think I can't feel any worse....and then I'm sabotaging my own self. I had already eaten 1600 calories today by 2pm when I made the decision to turn this around, so that's what time I stopped eating today. It's nearly 1am right now, as I'm typing this, and my stomach is growling. Haven't eaten in 11 hours and it sucks. However, I'm so shaky with the eating right now, that if I would have allowed myself 200 more calories this evening....I know just how easily it could have turned into 1,000.
Billie and I made it to the gym tonight, but I was late. I didn't get there til 8pm and she already had her cardio done, so we did the weight machines together. It took almost an hour. She left, and I got on the treadmill. I was 10 mins into my walk when they started turning lights off. That's when I realized they closed early tonight....at 9pm instead of 10pm. So my cardio was cut way short.
Billie and I are meeting at the gym tomorrow, sometime mid-morning. I'm going to do my best to keep everything in check and shoot for another 1600 calorie day. Let's hope I make it. Things really can turn on a dime for me right now. I do not have my focus back where it needs to be....I'm just grasping at it....making an effort.
I've been talking to Dwayne a little in email, but I'll save that for tomorrow's post, since this one is already ridiculously long. No, we're not getting back together. Can you believe we're discussing visitation rights over our puppy Scarlette??? Don't judge. You all know how crazy I am. Also, instead of having no Thanksgiving dinner to go to, I now have 2.....and one of them is at Dwayne's mom's house. I'll give you all the details tomorrow on how that came about. It's all about respect for his mom. Insanity.
You now know that Friday's weigh-in is going to completely suck, but I'm going to post it anyway. Honesty...and all that jazz. Thanks for reading about my crazy life. Maybe it will make yours feel a little more sane. :)
4 months ago