A food addict's travels on the road to recovery.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

I'm Still Here...

Just letting everyone know I'm still alive. I'm going to try to update you w/o making this a depressing post.

The last post I did garnered more comments than I've ever received before. I have no words that would be adequate enough to say thank you for the outpouring of support. I've also received a few emails from people who took the time to reach out to me on a more personal level. I'm amazed, and just so thankful. It doesn't matter to me that I've never met any of you face-to-face...you've been the best group of friends a girl could ever have. Hugs to each and everyone of you.

There's been some really retarded eating going on....shameful stuff. I hate reporting it, and to tell you the truth, I almost didn't. I considered the accountability factor for myself....and then said that's hogwash...I know what I've done...I don't need to go back and re-read it at any point to remind myself.

I'll tell you why I decided to lay it out there. It's to keep the honesty factor in this blog consistent. It helps to type out all the crap, it really does. It helps me mentally and emotionally to just spill my guts. It's like a release, and keeping all the junk bottled up can be toxic. At least for me.

The other reason I decided to go ahead and post about the last few days is because since I started this blog, I've gotten several emails from different people telling me that it inspires them and helps them feel like they're not alone. Even the negative fodder. I know all about feeling alone and it sucks. I'm not talking about relationship-wise. I'm talking about the solitude that comes with being overweight, or obese. Fat is an insulator. It blocks out a lot of things. I could do a whole in-depth post on this, and maybe I will one day, but if you're feeling alone inside you're obesity, then you totally get what I'm saying. So I decided to keep the honesty going in hopes that it might help someone else.

Let's back up to Friday. I weighed 222.4, satisfied that I lost 3.6 lbs with that weigh-in. I bragged about being .4 of a lb. away from losing 50 lbs., and that I was only 23 lbs. away from Onederland. My how things can change in a week....or only 5 days, actually.

Friday I overate, having Thanksgiving dinner at my parents and really not caring about portion control. In fact, I can't even say I really enjoyed it. It tasted great, sure, but I remember I was feeling zombie-like. I was heart-broken, had a 2-day headache going on, and was trying to concentrate on not breaking down in tears at the dinner table. I ate to the point of misery. It was odd. My stomach was poking out like a basketball and it was rock hard. I made my mom feel it. I haven't felt like that in a while....back before I started blogging, in fact.

Saturday was really bad. I didn't just overeat at one meal....I treated my body like a garbage disposal ALL DAY. Dwayne normally comes over on Friday nights and stays all day/evening on Saturday. It's been that way forever, and I was like a little girl lost with a full Saturday in front of me and no Dwayne. I had nothing to do but sit at home, cry, and eat. I knew I wasn't ready to go to the gym yet, simply because I couldn't control the crying (sobbing, really), and I didn't want people staring at me if I couldn't hold it together. But Billie asked me to go, so I did. I made it 30 mins on the treadmill, about 2 miles, and then the song "Kryptonite" came on my MP3 player and I just lost it. I kept walking, and crying, and by the time I hit 2.5 miles, I still couldn't get it dried up, so I told Billie I had to leave. We didn't stay to do the weight machines.

Sunday I told myself I needed to reign the calories back in, and started counting them again. But the desire just wasn't there. If this were a normal week, I would have eaten 1700, but I ended up at 1800 that day. Billie asked me to go to the gym again, and I did. This time I actually had a great workout. I made it all the way through the treadmill and the weight machines and back to my car before the tears fell again.

Monday, I went and got all of my hair chopped off. I thought a change would make me feel a little better. In a way it does, in a way it doesn't. I just hate my hair period. Hate it. It's very, very thin..constantly falling out and has been for years. I've heard it's because of my thyroid, then I heard it's because of the diabetes, and then I heard that I'm just unlucky. I heard all of that from 3 different doctors in the last few years, by the way. I put some Clairol Natural Instincts non-permanent hair color on it to cover the gray. Pam told me the exact color to get to match my natural color the best. I was thankful for that, because I didn't want to change the color....just cover the gray...and that's what it did. Back off the wagon with the food again though on Monday....I knew I needed to get a grip before things got too far out of hand, but truly, I just didn't care. I didn't feel like caring. That would have taken more effort than I could muster up. And I didn't go to the gym. Billie had to cancel and it was the perfect excuse for me to lay on the sofa with Scarlette and do nothing.

This morning, I had a dr's appt. I weighed myself before I went and just cried my eyes out. I got to the dr's ofc, and their scale said the exact same thing. 232 lbs. I've gained 10 lbs. in 4-5 days. No, it's not 10 lbs. of fat. Mother Nature dropped in for a Thanksgiving visit today, so I know some of it is bloating. Also, I've been eating a lot of stuff out of the freezer....easy stuff that you just heat in the microwave...and all of that crap food is loaded with sodium. I'm ballparking here, but maybe 5 lbs of water weight and 5 lbs of fat? Who knows.

It became very apparent to me today though that sad or not, it's time to separate the food from the emotions. It has to be done. The last thing I need is to gain my weight back. How stupid is that? Just when I think I can't feel any worse....and then I'm sabotaging my own self. I had already eaten 1600 calories today by 2pm when I made the decision to turn this around, so that's what time I stopped eating today. It's nearly 1am right now, as I'm typing this, and my stomach is growling. Haven't eaten in 11 hours and it sucks. However, I'm so shaky with the eating right now, that if I would have allowed myself 200 more calories this evening....I know just how easily it could have turned into 1,000.
Billie and I made it to the gym tonight, but I was late. I didn't get there til 8pm and she already had her cardio done, so we did the weight machines together. It took almost an hour. She left, and I got on the treadmill. I was 10 mins into my walk when they started turning lights off. That's when I realized they closed early tonight....at 9pm instead of 10pm. So my cardio was cut way short.

Billie and I are meeting at the gym tomorrow, sometime mid-morning. I'm going to do my best to keep everything in check and shoot for another 1600 calorie day. Let's hope I make it. Things really can turn on a dime for me right now. I do not have my focus back where it needs to be....I'm just grasping at it....making an effort.

I've been talking to Dwayne a little in email, but I'll save that for tomorrow's post, since this one is already ridiculously long. No, we're not getting back together. Can you believe we're discussing visitation rights over our puppy Scarlette??? Don't judge. You all know how crazy I am. Also, instead of having no Thanksgiving dinner to go to, I now have 2.....and one of them is at Dwayne's mom's house. I'll give you all the details tomorrow on how that came about. It's all about respect for his mom. Insanity.

You now know that Friday's weigh-in is going to completely suck, but I'm going to post it anyway. Honesty...and all that jazz. Thanks for reading about my crazy life. Maybe it will make yours feel a little more sane. :)

14 comments:

  1. You must have just posted this because I have been checking in and checking in, wondering where you were! :) I literally came over to write a "where'd ya go, girl" comment and saw that you finally posted! (Yay!) I just wanted to make sure you were okay.

    I am sorry things are still bad, but I am so impressed and amazed at the strength that you have too! Gaining a bit during an exceptionally difficult time is not the end of the world, but refusing to turn things around certainly can be. But you are not doing that! You are putting in so much effort to rectify the choices made over a very stressful time and I am so, so proud of you for working so hard even though I am sure you are feeling like crap!

    Tammy, you have got this. You just do. I know that you are going to be successful because dissolving a long term relationship is one of the more difficult things that people can go through and you are still trying to work at losing (whether successfully or not, doesn't matter right now)! You are still working at being accountable to yourself even while working at healing. You are amazing! If you can get through this (and I KNOW that you will) you can kick this obesity to the curb once and for all. HUGS!!!

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  2. Hey, it's great to read that you've still been going to the gym even though you've kind of fallen off the wagon eating wise. That show's you're still putting in some effort, and that's great. I'm sorry that things are still hard, but they will get better.

    I hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving.

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  3. Tammy you Wonderful Brave Gorgeous Girl....

    What a brave honest post, you are exceptional in your honesty. I could feel your pain in every word and feel honoured that you chose to share with us. You have reacted to this sadness in the way 99.99% of us here would react. You will come back from it and you will be stronger for it.

    As you and your fellow Americans celebrate Thanksgiving, I am thankful to have met you, you are a shining star in my sky and you will continue to soar my girl.

    Love and hugs hunni

    Sheilagh
    xxx

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  4. Hi Tammy. Well done on writing this post. And for all the honesty. I think you're doing just incredible to pretty much keep going with everything.

    You've only overeaten on three days - one of which was a Thanksgiving dinner. And now you've pulled back from the brink. That really is impressive in such a time of stress.

    It really is all about focus. As Sean says, it has to be your highest priority. Sadly the pain over Dwayne is going to be there for a while whether you overeat or not. You're doing the right thing just trying to nail down your calorie intake and hold onto that. So lucky that you have Billie to go to the gym with because that will help so much.

    I think you have the strength to get through this without anymore damage on the scale. If anyone does, you do. I believe you can do it Tammy.

    Best wishes,
    Bearfriend xx

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  5. Don't be too hard on yourself for struggling through this time. Major life changes like this are hard!!!! I remember when my kids' dad left us and I know there is absolutely no way I could have stuck to any diet...hell, I could barely stick to rational thinking at all. Even if you are having a rough time with the food, you are still exercising, which is very impressive and so important to your mental health, you know? Just keep posting so that we can all keep giving you hugs.

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  6. I am so glad that I saw a new post from you when I clicked on your blog. You have been on my mind since your last post. It doesn't matter if you post isn't upbeat or happy, we all just want to be here to listen and help you over this bump in the road.
    My advise is to not stress about the 10 pound gain at this point. You have had some major emotional changes that happen to all of us in life. I had one last year and have gained 25 pounds. I think you need to start on a new piece of paper. Starting right now at 232. Don't dwell on 'where you were' or where you want to be right now. Just start right now counting calories and working out to lose the 232. I know all about the 'lack of desire' being a factor. It was very hard for me to get back into focus gear. And I'm still not as focused as I once was a year ago. Just be consistant and take it one day (sometimes one hour) at a time.
    And keep posting as much as possible! I don't always feel like counting calories and working out, but I know if you can do it..so can I :)
    You are a strong woman! You might not feel or see it, but I guarentee that everyone of us that read your blog faithfully see it! You will shine again!! So for now, eat healthy, and work that body God gave you :)

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  7. Any support is huge for me right now. I know Tammy you can't but anyone else reading this. I am getting desperate.

    http://www.active.com/donate/lv09lasvegas/vegas09EGould

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  8. Tammy we all go through struggles in this journey, its not easy, and its easy to go back to old habits. We all struggle with it. Keep your chin up and just think it could always be worse, you could have gained more and you can still gain more. I have an idea for you if you are stuck and want some support. Feel free to email me if interested.

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  9. Wow, Tammy. Missed your last post and all the changes you're going through. Sorry for the bad timing, but it may be for the best in the long run (but you already know that, don't you?). I just hope for your own sake that you don't let this rough patch of Life derail you from all the great work you've done up 'til now. You've really made a huge change in yourself, too much to just haphazardly give it all back. Fight for what you've fought so hard to gain.

    Here's hoping you can get some sanity back into your life and that your holidays are as stress-free as they can be.

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  10. Tammy ... I hope you start to feel better soon. There's nothing worse than when the tears just won't stop falling, no matter where you are. I've been there. I also get how eating everything and anything makes you feel good. Then you beat yourself up for doing it. Don't!!! You will get yourself back on track, I know it. You are stronger than you are giving yourself credit for. Take care and I hope you have a nice Thanksgiving Day. Just take a few moments during the day to look at exactly what you are thankful for. I'm sure you will have many things on your list. Be happy for those! Sending hugs your way.

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  11. Considering everything---You're doing fantastic! So wonderful that you're able to realize that gaining the weight back would be too easy and so self defeating. You've worked too hard for this.
    Separating emotions from our food and exercise program is sometimes the hardest thing to do because we're trying to break a habit we've had forever---But it can be done, it really can. You know this already---
    Remember---Don't let anything, and Tammy---I mean ANYTHING steal this away from you. No emotion, no circumstance, person, place, or thing...NOTHING can take this away from you---Because it's that important. Life or death my friend....ratchet up that importance level. Realize that when "you just don't care," it's not the act of counting calories that you're upset about---it's the situation, the circumstance that's causing the emotional reaction. You're fed up with the emotion of it all---not the process that rejuvinates your life.
    Tammy---Hold on my dear friend, hold on girl---because continuing your all important journey is paramount to your future happiness. You may not see it all together now...but it's gonna come together. Good or bad? Well, that's your choice isn't it? Seriously---you're the pilot Tammy---You decide the flight path.
    Witnessing your painful honesty is such a wonderful gift to many people because you're so real, so very real...and your success will inspire to a greater degree--Because despite it all---despite potential blow-ups at every turn---You're doing it. Day by day, step by step---you're doing it. And someday you can change the "do" to "did," and you'll be flying high Tammy.

    Have the best Thanksgiving you can...Many people love you Tammy---All of these tough times will pass---and that 10 pounds...You know what I think about that....maybe 3 or 4 pounds tops---the rest must be water weight--bloating...you know how hard it would be to gain 10 pounds of fat that quickly? Seriously. Look for a very nice loss in your very near future!

    My best always,
    your friend,

    Sean

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  12. Glad you're back Tammy. This journey isn't easy, we all have struggles. It's so hard not to fall back into bad habits, especially when we are having a rough time in our personal lifes. Just remember-YOU are worth it, you deserve to be healthy and happy. Sometimes you have to focus on yourself. Take care and shoot me a message if you need anything.

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  13. Hang in there for take this holiday to be thankful for the good things in your life...there must be a few amidst this difficult time.

    Keep on your program...look how far you've come! You know overeating doesn't solve anything...it sure feels like it does in the moment though, doesn't it?

    I am praying for you every day...that you'd find comfort and strength in the God you know. Happy Thanksgiving from your Southern Neighbour. Why are you guys eating turkey so close to Christmas???? Weird...it's so weird to us.

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  14. I love your honesty, and am so sorry that you are going through all this right now. It's never easy seeing a relationship change like you are seeing. {Hugs}

    It's so important that you take time to focus on you. What you need. What you want out of life. What matters to you. I know that you will do that, but just wanted to remind you that you are worth all the effort it takes to get healthy.

    Take care Tammy - Thinking of you.

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