A food addict's travels on the road to recovery.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Suffocating Sadness

I promise that this will be the last negative, depressing post for a while. I was thinking about not posting this, but I'm afraid it's going to directly affect my weight...whether it's in a good way or a bad way remains to be seen, so here it goes.

I broke up with Dwayne on Thursday, my boyfriend of the last 5 1/2 years. I thought I had finally found the one, but I was wrong. He's a great guy in a lot of ways and helped me in many ways. He's given me gift after gift, and money to keep my head above water since I became unemployed this past February. He also gave me Scarlette as a Christmas gift last year....and she's my one little spot of sunshine amidst all the darkness that I'm surrounded by.

Nothing major went wrong....no fight, no infidelity, nothing that serious. As much as we love each other, we're just not meant to be together forever. Our beliefs, values, priorities....the real fundamentals of life....are just too different for us to make it. It saddens me to no end. I've been crying pretty solid since this happened Thursday afternoon. The truth is, I should have done this a long time ago, but I didn't. I didn't want to be without him, or just alone, period. When I made the break, he told me that he was tired of not acknowledging the 800 lb. gorilla in the room when it comes to marriage and that I have more guts than he does. In other words, he knew we weren't going to make it long-term, too, but couldn't find a way to break it off himself.

I'm guessing it's because he knows that I lost 3 good friendships earlier this year. That I've lost my job. And that basically, he was my only real tie to sanity and some form of happiness right now. So for that reason, I appreciate him letting me get to a point where I finally decided it was time for us to part ways. He was trying not to hurt me or cause me to lose any more than I've already lost this year, and for that I am grateful.

Dwayne was my rock in many ways and now I feel lost. I called Pam today and told her that I feel like I can't breathe....like I'm suffocating. I'm just enveloped in a gloomy, dark sadness and unfortunately life doesn't have a fast-forward button. You just have to sit here and go through it....feel it....every bit of it. You have to deal with 5 years of memories playing over and over in your head and blow your clogged nose 500x a day. I can't tell you how many Excedrin Migraine I've taken in the last 2 days for the splitting headache that just will not go away.

Yesterday, when my calories were at 1140, the frantic feeling of everything hit me and I knew I was fixing to go on a major binge if I stuck one more bite of food in my mouth. I stopped eating right then, at 1140 calories, which was around 3pm, and didn't eat anything else between then and 1am, when I finally fell asleep. It was either going to be 1140 calories, or it was going to be 4-5000.
So I made it through yesterday.

Today I've overeaten, but it hasn't been in binge fashion. We had Thanksgiving dinner at mom's house because her and the rest of my family are going out of town to visit my grandparents for Thanksgiving next week and I can't afford to go with them. I was supposed to be having Thanksgiving dinner with Dwayne and his mom at her house. Now I'll be spending it alone at home. Do I know how to eff up the holidays or what??

I'm going to tell you the truth. I don't want to give up on the weight loss thing, but at the same time, I don't feel like trying right now either. I don't know how long it will be before the clouds move out and the sun shines on me again. I pray it's fairly soon, but for now, I guess I'm kind of going on hiatus. I don't know when I'll go back to the gym. I didn't go Thursday or today. Billie wants me to meet her there when they open at 8am tomorrow, but if I get sporadic sleep like I did last night, then I'm not going to make it there that early. My body is exhausted, but I can't seem to shut my mind off so I can rest.

I'm been crying for 2 days now, and my eyes are puffy and swollen and burning. How long does it take to run out of tears? I am truly sorry for such a crappy post...I don't want sympathy, that's not the reason for writing about this. I just wanted everyone to know what was going on if you don't see regular posts for the next little while. I'm taking it one hour at a time until I can get a grip again. I'll leave you with a little tip. If you're in a good relationship, cherish it. If you're in a bad one, don't axe it before the holidays...wait til January.


  1. Tammy, I'm so very sorry about the pain that you are going through. You will get through it but you are so right that you have to actually suffer through it, can't hit the fast forward. My thoughts are with you.

  2. Wow. This on top of everything. But you're so brave to face up to truth, and really, Dwayne sounds wonderful...patient. Seems like he was the person you needed up to this point, and you realize it's time to move on. Yes. Takes guts, even if you blow your nose and pop painkillers. It takes guts. I admire you for seeing truth and living it out.

    And I hope something truly wonderful and mind-blowing happens to you between now and the holidays so that sadness eases and new fresh visions open up.

    God bless...

  3. Break-ups are the worst. Hang in there. Maybe a massage or mani/pedi this weekend!!

  4. Wow, Tammy, I'm really sorry for all the pain and sadness in your life right now. But if you can just hang on...well, I'm sure you know, things will get better.

  5. Oh Tammy, why is life so hard? You can get through this grief without turning back to your old lifestyle. Overeating and bingeing is NOT going to make you feel better...you will feel worse. You know it!

    Maybe face this time without serious calorie counting and exercising, if you can't handle it right now, but don't let it turn into serious overeating. It's not all or nothing.

    I am praying for you...for strength, for courage, for healing and for hope.

  6. Ah Tammy, sorry that you're having to go through this. I was there in 2007 after I broke off my engagement 6 weeks before our wedding. It sucks more than one can imagine until you're in that position. I cried every day for weeks. Many days I thought I would die from a broken heart. Breaking up with him was the hardest thing I've ever done. I stayed in a state of existence & depression until April of this year when I decided that I had just had enough.
    I pray you don't stay down as long as I did, but you did the right thing for yourself. If you both know that you're not right for each other, then be proud of yourself for having the guts and courage to be true to yourself and to Dwayne. You will pull through and eventually one day of no tears will turn into two and eventually a smile will form across your lips when you least expect it.
    Hugs to you; stay strong.

  7. That.was.brave.
    To become what you want, to have what you want, you have to let go of what you have. I don't think this is where your weight loss journey stops, this is where it starts. Now you get to sit down and figure out exactly who and what you want in your life. It wouldn't have worked in the long term because you aren't the same person. Don't stop now. Don't think of this as the end, think of this as the beginning. You will have to sit through the loss, but one day you will look up and see that this was the day you started living the life you wanted, instead of the life you settled for.
    God bless you and hugs,

  8. I am glad you posted this, Tammy. Reaching out and telling people what's going on will help you heal. You know my thoughts... hugs!!!

  9. Tammy I'm so sorry to hear you're so down, but please don't apologise that we have a "crumby" post to read! I think you are amazingly brave and have achieved so, so much. I think you know from your post that you have done the right thing in the long run, but that doesn't mean it will hurt any less right now. Be kind to yourself right now. I can completely understand your need for a "hiatus"; however, do remember that exercise relieves stress and depression. Some long walks and going to the gym may be just what you need now more than ever.

    When I lived in the States as a teenager, I loved the whole Thanksgiving tradition. I wish I could go over to the US and cook you a turkey, drink some champagne and watch the Superbowl. If I could, I would!

    Hang in there xxxx

  10. Dear Tammy, I am so, so sorry for your pain. Believe me, I understand what you are going through and how very tough things are right now. I am really struggling to find any words. I hope you are able to cocoon yourself and look after yourself until the pain subsides.

    "Allowing" yourself to feel the pain rather than stuffing it down with food is blindingly difficult. All you can do is to try to keep within a regular routine with your eating and be aware of when you are using food for emotional relief rather than nutrition.

    It is hard to split up before the holidays, but also spending those times in a "false" situation is very hard too. These kind of things happen when they need to happen. In a way you are ready for this - and have even been working towards it. You can deal with this even though it might take all your strength in the near future.

    This is another important step on the way to becoming the person you want to be, or need to be.

    I hope you reach a place of peace over this as soon as is possible. And always remember Sean's advice about just getting into bed when things get really difficult.

    ((((HUGS)))) to you dear Tammy,
    Bearfriend xx

  11. Awww:( I am so sorry your having to go through this...I totally understand that you might want to take a break from losing weight...feel your feelings and get through this hard time...feel free to post about how your doing so we don't worry about you...don't worry about negative posts...we are here for you! ((((HUGS))))

  12. I'm so sad that you having to go through this right now, breaking up is the hardest, like divorce and I've had two divorces to deal with in my life..
    So with all that experience behind me I can tell you that right now this is the worst, but in the future you will be smiling again and understand why it didn't work out for you.
    There is always light at the end of the tunnel...allow yourself this time to grief a love and relationship that you no longer have...then start looking after YOU!!
    Big cyber hug.

  13. Tammy ... I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Obviously it is something you have thought long and hard about. Although the timing really sucks you have done what your heart told you to. Take a break from weight loss but just try to maintain and get back at it when you feel better. You have done wonderfully so don't beat yourself up over taking a short break. This will give you time to get a handle on maintenance once you reach your goal anyway. If you can do it now, you can do it then, sort of thing.

    I do hope that things get better for you soon and that you find a job. That in itself will make you feel better. The tears will eventually stop and life does go on, but I know that it feels all very suffocating right now. Please look for things in your life that can brighten you day.

    Keep blogging whenever you want no matter what you have to say, so that you can get things off your chest. I'm sending hugs your way.

  14. I know you don't want sympathy, Tammy - but I am sorry for what you're going through. The end of a relationship is sad, especially with as much time as you and Dwayne had. And even though you know it's for the best, that doesn't make it any easier. Hugs to you, hang in there, and please, blog your feelings out if it at all helps!

  15. I am sorry your hurting but as you weren't happy it is for the best. I hope that you feel better soon and want to "try" again. ((()))

  16. Hi Tammy,

    I just read this. What comes to mind is how courageous you are to go ahead and make the right decision for yourself even though it's agonizingly painful. I think all the progress you've made in the eating arena has enabled you to accept and understand yourself better, because you're not stuffing it all with food anymore. While gut wrenching, this is genuine progress that will ultimately bring you farther along on your journey to your own truth.

    I send prayers and love, and hope the acute phase of this pain is short lived. You're doing amazing and important work for yourself here. Keep talking about it and know you have much support and love in blogville.

  17. Oh my dear honeyheart, sending hugs & prayers your way. [I am not going to say that lightly, I know you are a praying woman, and I will be praying for you for strength.]

    I don't want to lecture, but I know you have said yourself how good you feel when you exercise, so I just want to encourage you to maybe give it a go...a walk w/Scarlette, or the gym maybe...? I know it is hard at a low time like this...but it might help..might be good to get out...

    I wish there was some way you could go too w/your fam for Thanksgiving. I hope that there is some way that you didn't realize yet. If not, plan to spend some time w/your little ladybug when they get back! That should bring some sunshine to your day. (all of your nieces and nephews for that matter.)

    Lastly, dearie, may I just say that your honesty and openess here is so appreciated & special. Not only do you 'bare all' by detailing weight loss & your life, but your very personal things too, like Brittany & Dwayne. I think we bloggie friends see you for what you really are; a kind, loving, powerful, strong, genuine, REAL, sensitive, & caring woman. Be well my friend. Chrissy

  18. Love you Tammy, you have such a big heart,a loving soul and you give so much of yourself.

    You give out so much love darling, it will come back threefold.

    Thank you for EVERYTHING xxx



  19. Oh Tammy, I'm so sorry that you are going through this but wow, how brave of you to take this step to do what is right for you!!!!!! Seriously, so, so, so many people stay in a bad relationship because they are afraid to be alone but you put yourself first. That is amazing, truly.

  20. Tammy,

    Sorry to hear about your break. Please stay with us Tammy. You need to write about your feels because getting them out will help you heal. This is your time to shine and do all that you want to do. You can make it lady.

    I wish you a speedy recovery and remember in have a lot of supporters.

  21. Hugs to you. Boy, the timing sure sucks. Good things will come. Keep taking care of yourself and keep that positive attitude and you will make it through this.

    We are here for you, girl.

  22. Always here for you. You're strong and have the power to make it through this.

    Brighter days are ahead my friend. You understand the mental dynamics of this journey very well. Someday---it will not be a matter of "trying," it will just be you being you. understand?

    My best always,
    your friend,

  23. I just read this post dear and I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time. I pray each day will get easier for you. I don't know what else to say...please don't let this derail your weight loss...I know you can do it and life's little bupms (or big ones) happen, but we have to keep looking forward and keep doing what we're doing for ourselves and our own well being.

  24. I'm so sorry Tammy. It sounds like it ended peacefully (even though it still hurts the same), and you still have your friendship with him even though it will take a while till you can both see/talk without feeling the loss and hurt. It will happen though.
    When ever I am down and blue, I always make myself work out even harder than normal. The fact is, you are going to feel blue and lonely whether you work out or not, so why not work out! It really helps the mind clear faster, and it's a natural healthy way for the body to deal with the stress you are under.
    YOu are a great person inside and out...we will all still be here when you are ready to jump back into blogland ((((hugs to you)))))

  25. I am so sorry Tammy. This is never easy and you are in prayers and thoughts during this rough time in your life. I'd encourage you to take these next weeks to focus on you. What you need and what makes you feel satisfied.

    Take care,

  26. Everyone has said such wonderful things that I would just be duplicating their statements.

    I do have one suggestion though. Try not to stay at home alone. Maybe you could go to a local soup kitchen and help serve a meal or something but I know when I was grieving it made it way worse to be alone.

    Be kind to yourself. We are here to listen when you are ready to write.

  27. Hey Tammy,
    I am so sorry to hear your sadness. I know exactly what you are going through and my marriage ended at 5 and a half years as well. It is so hard but I believe with all my heart you are so strong and that God has your heart broken as it is in HIS hands. I am praying for your Girly and will be thinking of you over the holidays.

  28. Wow Tammy. I am SO SO sorry for all that you are going through. That really sucks, but it sounds as if you are dealing with it really well, all things considered. And you know we're all here for you. Though it does sound cliche, it will get better with time.
    And if you feel like driving to Vermont, you are more than welcome to have T-Day with us!:-)
    Sending all my healing thoughts and prayers your way with lots of hugs!!!

  29. I'm so sorry to hear about your break up. It isn't the best time of year to be alone but you will get through this and be stronger for it. You were brave enough to realize that the relationship wasn't going to be long term so why waste more time in it.

    I wish you lived closer so I could invite you to have Thanksgiving with me.

    I don't think we ever run out of tears. Try to think of the tears as cleaner for your soul.

    This is the perfect time to focus on your health and continue your weight loss journey. Take care of yourself and know we are all here for you to lean on, cry to and celebrate with.

    Stay strong.

  30. Damn. In one of your emails, in reading between the lines, I felt that Dwayne may not be the one for you and deep, deep down...you knew it too. But still...damn.

    I'm sorry I missed this. I'm sorry I wasn't in blogland and lifting you up.

    Love you Tammy!