Suffocating Sadness

I promise that this will be the last negative, depressing post for a while. I was thinking about not posting this, but I'm afraid it's going to directly affect my weight...whether it's in a good way or a bad way remains to be seen, so here it goes.

I broke up with Dwayne on Thursday, my boyfriend of the last 5 1/2 years. I thought I had finally found the one, but I was wrong. He's a great guy in a lot of ways and helped me in many ways. He's given me gift after gift, and money to keep my head above water since I became unemployed this past February. He also gave me Scarlette as a Christmas gift last year....and she's my one little spot of sunshine amidst all the darkness that I'm surrounded by.

Nothing major went wrong....no fight, no infidelity, nothing that serious. As much as we love each other, we're just not meant to be together forever. Our beliefs, values, priorities....the real fundamentals of life....are just too different for us to make it. It saddens me to no end. I've been crying pretty solid since this happened Thursday afternoon. The truth is, I should have done this a long time ago, but I didn't. I didn't want to be without him, or just alone, period. When I made the break, he told me that he was tired of not acknowledging the 800 lb. gorilla in the room when it comes to marriage and that I have more guts than he does. In other words, he knew we weren't going to make it long-term, too, but couldn't find a way to break it off himself.

I'm guessing it's because he knows that I lost 3 good friendships earlier this year. That I've lost my job. And that basically, he was my only real tie to sanity and some form of happiness right now. So for that reason, I appreciate him letting me get to a point where I finally decided it was time for us to part ways. He was trying not to hurt me or cause me to lose any more than I've already lost this year, and for that I am grateful.

Dwayne was my rock in many ways and now I feel lost. I called Pam today and told her that I feel like I can't breathe....like I'm suffocating. I'm just enveloped in a gloomy, dark sadness and unfortunately life doesn't have a fast-forward button. You just have to sit here and go through it....feel it....every bit of it. You have to deal with 5 years of memories playing over and over in your head and blow your clogged nose 500x a day. I can't tell you how many Excedrin Migraine I've taken in the last 2 days for the splitting headache that just will not go away.

Yesterday, when my calories were at 1140, the frantic feeling of everything hit me and I knew I was fixing to go on a major binge if I stuck one more bite of food in my mouth. I stopped eating right then, at 1140 calories, which was around 3pm, and didn't eat anything else between then and 1am, when I finally fell asleep. It was either going to be 1140 calories, or it was going to be 4-5000.
So I made it through yesterday.

Today I've overeaten, but it hasn't been in binge fashion. We had Thanksgiving dinner at mom's house because her and the rest of my family are going out of town to visit my grandparents for Thanksgiving next week and I can't afford to go with them. I was supposed to be having Thanksgiving dinner with Dwayne and his mom at her house. Now I'll be spending it alone at home. Do I know how to eff up the holidays or what??

I'm going to tell you the truth. I don't want to give up on the weight loss thing, but at the same time, I don't feel like trying right now either. I don't know how long it will be before the clouds move out and the sun shines on me again. I pray it's fairly soon, but for now, I guess I'm kind of going on hiatus. I don't know when I'll go back to the gym. I didn't go Thursday or today. Billie wants me to meet her there when they open at 8am tomorrow, but if I get sporadic sleep like I did last night, then I'm not going to make it there that early. My body is exhausted, but I can't seem to shut my mind off so I can rest.

I'm been crying for 2 days now, and my eyes are puffy and swollen and burning. How long does it take to run out of tears? I am truly sorry for such a crappy post...I don't want sympathy, that's not the reason for writing about this. I just wanted everyone to know what was going on if you don't see regular posts for the next little while. I'm taking it one hour at a time until I can get a grip again. I'll leave you with a little tip. If you're in a good relationship, cherish it. If you're in a bad one, don't axe it before the holidays...wait til January.