A food addict's travels on the road to recovery.

Friday, November 27, 2009

The Dreaded Weigh-in

Boy, this is a hard one to type. Maybe that's why I waited til 12 hours after the weigh-in to do it.

I weighed yesterday morning, just to see where I was before I ate TWO Thanksgiving meals. I was 229 lbs. This morning I was 232 lbs. I'm recording this as my official weigh-in because I ate like a moron this week and I deserve it. I gained 9.6 lbs. this week and I am soooo over the depression eating. I'm over it....I'm done. Time to get back in the game.

I'm still having a hard time with the break up. As a matter of fact, after I went to the gym this morning and put in a great 1 1/2 hr workout, I met up with my sister Brandy and cried about half the time we were together....which was a 5 hour time period. She wanted to talk about it. She wanted to know what happened, why didn't he want me anymore, why didn't he want to marry me, what went wrong.....don't you just love those questions when you're already feeling pretty damn worthless and unloveable???

This is the exact reason I've been trying to blockade myself in my house and stay away from people. I like to go through this kind of crap alone. I do not like answering people's questions about painful emotional bullsh*t like this. I appreciate support and concern...but I do not like to be drilled. The truth is, I don't have any answers. I don't know why I wasn't good enough or why our worlds never melded together the way I wanted them to. But we don't always get to know the answers, which can definitely be the hardest part. Asking me about it though is pouring salt in the wound. So today sucked.

Yesterday sucked too. The first half was good....my roommate Shane and his girlfriend (and my gym buddy) Billie decided to move their Thanksgiving dinner to my house and Shane's parents came along, as well as Billie's daughter Kandice. Billie had an amazing spread of food and it was all beautiful and delicious. I was really impressed, because she kept telling me she's not a great cook. She lied, lol. I appreciated the thought, too. They did it so I wouldn't be alone.

Well it ended up that I wasn't going to be alone....I was going to be at Dwayne's Mom's house. He asked me on more than one occasion since we broke up last week to please make the effort to come, even though he knew it would be difficult for both of us. His mom specifically asked him to invite me, to which I said no the first time. Then a couple of days later....she told him to ask me AGAIN....that she really wanted to see me and Scarlette. I caved the second time, because I really love her, and didn't want to disrespect her in any way.

I had a great time visiting Judy and her friend Nat. He's a cute little old Italian man and he's great fun to talk to. Towards the end of dinner, much to our surprise, he exclaimed, "Judy....I'm drunk!", to which I promptly spewed some stuffing out of my mouth with my uncontrollable laughter. Everyone was laughing.....he only had 1 glass of red wine we thought....then he told us that was his 2nd one, and he can't hold his liquor anymore, lol. Unfortunately, Dwayne and I only said maybe 5 words to each other during the entire 2 hour visit. I felt sad for him, because he was very clearly being excluded while I engaged Judy and Nat in lively conversation....but I knew if I put my focus on him, I'd end up in tears and ruin the holiday for everyone. It was just sad.

When Dwayne was walking me out, his mom called him back in the house to ask him a question. I knew it was about me. He came back out and said that she wanted to know if I'd come back over in December to get the gift that she was going to have for me and also a gift for Scarlette. I just stared at him as if to say, "Are you serious???". He begged me....said please, I know it's hard, but please just do it for Mom...she loves you and Scarlette so much...please come back one more time. I just rolled my eyes and said okay. I cried for most of the rest of the night.

I know that I will continue to see Dwayne on and off for a while so I need to get over the crying. He is Scarlette's Daddy and just as much in love with her as I am. He's cared for her in every way....bought her everything she's ever needed since the night he brought her home to me. I remember that night. It was Dec. 8th of last year. He found a breeder in Macon, which was about a 2-2 1/2 hour drive one way. He took the day off work and went and got her, getting lost along the way. He made the long drive back, calling his mom on the way, asking her to pick up a bag of dog food, some pee pads, and a leash and collar for her, so I'd have something for her the first night. He was planning on buying anything else she needed the next day.

Well when he got to his mom's house with the baby, she had a HUGE bag packed. She went out and bought the things he asked for, along with a brand new pink puppy bed, a baby blanket, treats, toys, a food and water bowl, flea spray, shampoo, conditioner, vinegar to clean up pee spots in case she had an accident (she was only 4 months old), and some medicine she got from the vet for her peekapoo, in case she had a seizure, because peekapoo's are prone to that at a young age.....oh, and a child gate to keep her pinned in the kitchen when I went to work, so she couldn't pee on the carpet.

Can you see why I love this woman? Dwayne, being so concerned over the new puppy and not wanting her to be left alone, took the next 3 days off work JUST to stay at my apt with her so she wouldn't be alone. He took her to the vet the next day and paid a $200 vet bill to get her caught up on all of her shots, and he's paid every vet bill since then, including the one where we got her spayed at 6 months old. She stole his heart immediately. So I just don't have it in me to keep her away from him. That's not something I'm going to do.

So....I'm going to do my best to get through the holiday season, and hopefully by January, I'll be feeling a little stronger and things will get a little easier. I have hope that they will.

My plan this week is to eat 1500 cals a day each day, and workout at the gym all 7 days. I'm sitting at 1500 cals right now for today and I'm done eating. I've finally got my focus back. Normally, I'd be keeping it at 1700 since it netted me a 3 lb loss a couple of weeks in a row.....but I've done so much damage this week, that I need to work a little harder to undo it. So we'll see what I can get off by next Friday's weigh-in...I'm praying at least 5 lbs....because I really don't think the 9.6 lbs I gained is all fat...some of it has to be water weight.

I hope everyone had a truly magnificent Thanksgiving with friends and family. I'm looking forward to getting back in the groove and back to Blogland where I belong. :)

13 comments:

  1. You don't know why you weren't good enough?
    The only thing that isn't good enough with you was your standards.
    This whole situation is his loss, not yours. One day down the road, and I pray it won't be long, you will come to see this as the truth when you look back on it.
    Love you.

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  2. I totally agree with Pam on this. You are a great person, and it is indeed his loss. Any man would be a lucky man to have you, and this lucky man will come along in God's time. You have to go through the rough times in order to learn from them. God has the right man picked out for you, you just have to wait for him to show you, all in good time. You just need to concentrate on yourself and your goals right now, and everything else will fall into place. You are doing great, next week will be a better week and you will get back on track.

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  3. Tammy, your honesty is so raw...I really feel for you with all that you are going through right now. You are such a kind person to still keep Dwayne's mom in your life, even though it means having to see him. Hang in there - it WILL get better. And don't worry about the scale this week - just try to get back on track and things will level back out. Hugs to you, my friend.

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  4. Hey, thanks for sharing your life with us yet again.

    SO glad it worked out for you to enjoy Billie's good cooking. :) She & Shane sound like real sweethearts.

    I had to giggle a little over the part of Judy buying things for her little granddoggie. hee hee. She sounds like a true animal lover.

    Here's to the sadness fog lifting from around you, and brighter, clearer, healthier days ahead, dear!!

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  5. Do NOT stress out about the gain! That will only overwhelm you and you already have enough on your plate - you don't need to add more! Move forward with your plan and just don't let a crappy week permanently destroy the hard work you have put in; leave the overeating behind you now and stride forward with confidence, girl! I'm sorry things suck so bad (I was there once and it took me way too long to get back on my feet); just take the time you need and work on what you can in the meantime. Hugs!!!

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  6. I am so glad you are back. Stay strong!

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  7. Yeah...depression eating just isn't worth it, at least not when you actually care about your weight like you do now.

    You should tell your friends that you appreciate their support, but you really can't handle questions about everything and talking about it a lot right now. Tell them if they want to help they can do something with you that'll take your mind off it or whatever, not cause you to ask yourself all these unanswerable questions.

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  8. Don't beat yourself up for the gain...your going through a very hard time and you will lose it again when your ready...you have to go through the grieving process...it will take some time but you will be stronger from all of this...we will be here for you...so if you need to vent or get stuff out blog to us:)

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  9. Hi Tammy,

    This gain will be ancient history next week at this time. Sometimes we need something like this to yank us back to our goals and help us remember what we're trying to do.

    It was interesting to read all the stuff about you and Dwayne and his mom...she sounds like a lovely lady. And I understand you not wanting to keep Dwayne from seeing Scarlette - maybe you guys can have joint custody! Just kidding, but it may get to a place where in order to truly move on in your own life, you'll have to have more distance from him. Maybe not. You'll see how it goes, and if it gets to be too much with seeing him a lot due to Scarlette, you'll know, and you'll be able to negotiate whatever is necessary.

    I give you a lot of credit for your honesty Tammy. I'm expecting to have a bad reckoning at the scale Monday morning. I've had 2 better days since Thanksgiving with the eating, but I truly feel like I'm coming off a relapse. I just want to get back to my usual routine, which will be difficult given the next round of holidays! Take care - keep up the awesome work.

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  10. Tammy,
    You are a wonderful woman, with a big heart. You will come out of this stronger and wiser. There is a New Year on the horizon, make it Your Year!

    The year Tammy loves herself enough.
    The year Tammy knows how to love others without doubting her own self worth.

    You have so much going for you, you are beautiful, articulate, creative, loving, giving and a joy to be around.(Even in Blogland)

    Be true to yourself and happiness with come to you,love will arrive when you least expect it.

    Big hugs


    Sheilagh
    xxx

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  11. I think it's great that you acknowledged the gain and you are ready to MOVE FORWARD!

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  12. Tammy,

    I was worried about you but I knew that you would come back to blogging. Only thing I can say is stay strong for yourself. Don't give up on you because of the breakup. I wish you happy days. Take care lady.

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  13. His mom sounds like an absolutely wonderful person, she really does. I know you're right about the gain not being all fat---Totally agree on that.
    Kudos to you for being such a wonderfully understanding person about Scarlette. That must be a tough situation.
    I applaud you for grabbing ahold regardless of your circumstances and reeling in the calorie budget and workouts. You're headed to a wonderful place in the sun my friend.

    It sounds so small to say, but really---Hang in there.

    My best always
    Sean

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