Dwayne Hates My Fat

Hi.  I have a dr's appt. tomorrow morning to have bloodwork done for my diabetes, cholesterol, triglycerides, thyroid, etc...routine crap.  Instead of just a bloodwork appt...I asked for an actual appt with the doctor.  I'm going to ask him to go on Zoloft, an anti-depressant. 

I plan on posting my weigh-ins on Fridays, good or bad, but other than that, I really shouldn't be on here blabbing about everything in my head until I get leveled out on some meds.

Oh..and one more thing.  Dwayne and I had a conversation last night about the future.  Note: we've been dating 6 years as of this past August.  He told me 3 years ago that he didn't want to marry me until I'd lost all of my weight.  That's his one sticking point with me...everything else is wonderful and I'm amazing and all that happy horseshit.  Well as of our conversation last night....nothing has changed in the last 3 years.  He apologized for his indecisiveness and my "wait"....but he still feels the same.  Loves me, doesn't want to date anyone else...wants to marry me....when I drop the rest of my weight. 

Unfortunately for him, I didn't feel like protecting this side of him anymore.  Now everyone knows.  Yes...I'm responsible for my weight problem all by myself....but I do believe this is an outside force that affects my failed attempts at the weight loss....not in and of itself....this isn't the only issue....but I do believe it to be a major factor.  I stay at odds in my mind.  He's always loving on me and kissing on me, telling me he loves me all the time...at my house every single day...hardly ever hangs out with his friends anymore...makes sure my every need is covered financially if I fall short with my own money....yet....I'm too fat to marry.  Why am I still with him?  Because if I were to list 100 things about him...this is the 1 thing that truly sucks.  I love the other 99.  The odds have fallen in his favor that I'm not going anywhere.  Yes, I know what this says about me.  I need to get on some meds.  Can't wait til tomorrow morning.

Checking Out

I'll be back later....probably.  Take care friends.  :)

***UPDATE***

Sorry guys....I think I might have picked the wrong title for this post since everyone's asking if I'm ok.  I'm still alive...but I'm just not feelin' the blog anymore.  I'm tired of the fight....so I'm going to stop fighting...at least for now.  Maybe I'll feel better next week...maybe I won't.  I can't make any promises to anyone, least of all myself.  Thanks for asking...be good to yourselves.  I'll miss you.  :)

Can I Have a Do-Over?

My weekend was great...my eating was bad.  Very bad.  I just read some advice given on Jack Sh*t's blog this morning...I think it was from Roxie.  She said "Start today.  Keep re-starting until it sticks".  And so here I am again, re-starting, AGAIN.  Consistency really shouldn't be this hard...but apparently I'm the queen of making things hard.  I'm sure my weigh-in this Friday will reflect that.  I managed to put forth the effort last night to write out some calories and pre-pack/prepare my breakfast, lunch and snacks for my 9 1/2 hour workday today.  I've got 1000 calories of healthy stuff that I brought with me today, leaving a few hundred on the table for dinner tonight.  I'm thinking I need to cut it down to 1500.  The 1800 limit feels a little stupid for me when I know I'm not grinding out the calorie burn on the treadmill right now.  Oh and my ankle did a disgusting little popping thing 2x in the last 3 days.  Big fun.  Alright guys....let's try this again.....(eyeroll).

Lightening Up

I can't post my weigh-in pic!!!  I tried and tried on my home computer this morning but it just wouldn't work.  Normally when I click on the picture icon, "My Pictures" comes up and I just scroll down until I see it.  Well this morning, it looked totally different.  "My Pictures" wasn't even an option.  It would only allow me to upload from a URL or upload from Picasa Web Album....WTF?????  I couldn't find the picture anywhere so eff it.

I weighed in at 245.8 lbs. this morning!  I was 249.6 last Friday, so that's a loss of 3.8 lbs. for this week...AND...get this....a loss of exactly 10 lbs. in the last 2 weeks!!!  Here's the bummer though.  I still feel fat and miserable in my clothes.  Those 10 lbs. hasn't seemed to make any difference which is disappointing.  Everything I wear is still binding and irritating and hard to breathe in.  Maybe in another 10 lbs. things will fit better.....because I REALLY don't want to break down and go out and buy BIGGER sizes.  As soon as I shrunk, I gave away all of my bigger sizes, because...you know...going back up the scale just wasn't an option....PFFFT!!

I've already got Friday and Saturday's dinners with Dwayne planned, just like last weekend.  Tonight we're having grilled pizzas again, except we're doing them on the Naan bread tonight instead of the pita bread we used last Friday....so it will be like a thin crust pizza and save me some calories.  Dwayne was over last night and I talked him into letting me buy him some turkey pepperoni, instead of the real deal.  He begrudgingly agreed.  I told him it will taste just as good but I don't think he believes me, lol.  I also have some more of that ground italian chicken sausage like I used last week.  I'll be buying 2% mozzarella this time though instead of the full-fat (delicious!) mozzarella we used last weekend. 

Saturday night we're grilling some steaks he bought on sale a couple of weeks ago and threw in the freezer...either the NY strips or the sirloins...haven't decided yet.  I'll meausre a 6 oz. portion on my food scale.  We're splitting one baked potato between the 2 of us, and I'll have sauteed mushrooms and onions w/ mine.  I'm also buying one of those Lite Caesar Salad kits so I can at least get some romaine lettuce down his gullet.  Sheesh.

I have to say that my 10 lb. loss over the last 2 weeks is due mostly to planning ahead.  I do so much better and it's not near as hard to stay on track when I have plenty of healthy options on hand.  That's not to say I don't still have thoughts about food that are over my calorie limit.  I do...almost daily still.  But I'm still only focusing on one day at a time.  There's always some sort of dialogue going on with my brain..

Fat Tammy:  "I want a Philly cheesesteak sub today."

Skinny Tammy:  "Yeah?  Well that DOES sound good.  But let me ask you something first.  At what point do you want to strap on a pair of pants to go to work in the morning and not feel like the non-elastic waistband is damaging internal organs?"

Fat Tammy:  "Hmm.  Well...you have a point.  I guess I can wait until tomorrow."

Skinny Tammy:  "Good girl.  Yes, we'll talk about it again tomorrow." 

lol...and we do...day in and day out.  But as long as Skinny Tammy keeps winning out then I'm happy.

Hope everyone has a great weekend planned.  Dwayne and I are going to visit my sister on Saturday and on Sunday I'm meeting up with Kim to have lunch and then we're going to the Dekalb Farmer's Market.  This will be her first time there...I think she's going to love it!  :)

Lapband Logic

I came across 2 different blogs yesterday that I had never seen before, just from checking out different blogs lists from people that I already follow.  Well I came across several new ones actually, but 2 of them were women who had the lapband.  I read where both of these women were regretting and second-guessing their choice.

They talked about how they had done all of the necessary research ahead of time, talked to doctor after doctor, been to classes, fully understood the risks of the surgery, and decided this was the tool they would use to lose their weight.  But for some reason, what escaped both of them, is that the band does absolutely nothing to change your mind frame, your thoughts on overeating, or the desire to binge.   They mentioned how they still had furious thoughts of overeating that were driving them crazy, almost to the point of being truly depressed over their decision.  They could no longer have many of their favorite foods, even in a moderate amount, because the band just won't allow it w/o causing major sickness or internal injury.  They also talked about all of the uncomfortable side affects that come with living with the band...not life-threatening, but just not pleasant, like constant gas and digestive issues, etc.  One woman mentioned how she had to have hers remove to have a "fill" done (not sure what this means, maybe they loosen up over time?)...and she was absolutely frantic that she would go nuts and eat everything in sight and gain 100 lbs. before she could get her band put back in.

No, the band doesn't change anything on the mental level.  It does nothing for self-discipline and it doesn't calm those raging food thoughts that come with overeating.  It doesn't cure a food addiciton.  The mental work still has to be done on your own, whether you have a band or not.  I read on another blog a while back where they said, "The problem is not with your stomach...it's with your brain.  And they don't make a lapband for the brain."  Amen.

I am one of those people that considered either a lapband or gastric bypass surgery to lose my weight.  I read a lot about it...understood the classes you had to take ahead of time, the waiting period involed, the risks of the surgery, etc.  I asked friends what they thought....they all said they stand behind whatever decision I made, but that it was a personal one.  I asked my roommate at the time, Shane.  He said don't do it.  I asked my boyfriend Dwayne...he said don't do it...one of the things he mentioned was the MAJOR loose skin issues I'd have if I lost too quickly (but aesthetics weren't a good enough reason to me to not do it).  I was feeling helpless and hopeless and like this was the only way out of the fat hell I was living in.  I had gotten a lot of opinions but somehow they just didn't seem good enough.  I didn't feel settled with the advice I had been given. 

I couldn't quite get comfortable with the thought of having this surgery.  No matter how much info I had gathered or how many opinions I had solicited...it just didn't feel like the right way.  It didn't feel like I'd be putting in the work to get this weight off, and I wouldn't have that sense of satisfaction after losing it, if I didn't do it all by myself w/o the use of a tool like a band.  But still...that sense of hopelessness was overpowering and I was scared that maybe I really couldn't do it on my own.  I needed one more opinion....the ultimate one...the one that I would value above all others.

I called my one and only hero....my Dad.

I told him my thoughts on using the surgery to lose the weight.  I pointed out that I was in my 30's...had a lot of health problems (diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol) and if I hadn't lost the weight by now, I didn't think I had it in me to get it done on my own.  I told him I thought I might need to have the surgery just because of the health problems...the clock was ticking and I didn't want to die early.  He told me not to do it.  First off, he said that he didn't want to see me have any surgery that wasn't directly related to saving my life..in other words, an unnecessary one.  And I wasn't at death's door just yet.  But what he told me next is really what sealed the deal.  He told me that he believed I could lose it on my own. 

He said he believed in me.

Boy.  Brings me to tears again now just like it did that day.  He explained that he knew what a struggle it was....reminding me that he's battled with it himself through the years, and he KNEW how hard it was to get to and stay at a normal weight.  But it wasn't impossible...it wasn't out of my reach.  I listened through my tears...telling him it was just. so. hard.  He sympathized...he told me he knew....but that I could do it.  He knew I would get it done one of these days.  And that was that.  No surgery for me...I was going to do it on my own.

I didn't start that day, but I did finally get started a few months later...June of '09 as a matter of fact...the day I started my blog.  I haven't lost a lot in total since I started over a year ago, but I sure have learned a lot.  And through my learning, thanks to Blogland, I have now developed the belief that yes, I can do this.  It's still a struggle, no doubt....but it no longer seems like an impossibility.  I know that I will get there one day, and I like knowing that I've worked through so much of the mental crap that brought me to morbid obesity in the first place.  I can look back over the last year and see real progress.  Where I used to eat at fast food restaurants DAILY, I now hardly ever visit them....it's an out of the ordinary situation, not a daily ritual.  I've also gone several months now w/o a binge, where a binge used to happen 2-3 times a month.  When I first started I walked a 15 minute mile and thought I would fall over dead from exhaustion and possibly a heart attack.  Since then I've been on several hikes, one of them 5 miles....and been on 4-6 mile walks around the track at the park multiple times.  When I first started, I lasted a total of 30 seconds on the elliptical...no joke.  I can now last 30 mins on that beast.  I don't like it...but I can do it.

If you're considering the lapband as an option to lose your weight, I'd ask you to consider every aspect....especially the mental one.  There's a whole lot more to this weight loss business than just physically shrinking the size of your stomach.  I'd say a good 80% of the work has to be done above the shoulders.

Part of my Dad's daily morning ritual is reading my blog.  He's seen me struggle here...he's seen me fall off the wagon, roll down the hill and into the ditch.  But he's also seen me get back up, each and every time.  I get back up because of him...he believes in me...both of my parents do, but more importantly, I now believe in myself.  My hope has been restored.  Thanks Dad....I love you.  :)

Holding Steady

Ok, so I'm not supposed to get on the scale mid-week, right?   I've been a little freaked out about eating too much at dinner on Sunday....stuff that had too much sodium in it, and I had it blown up in my mind that I'd gained at least 10 lbs. 

So I jumped on it this morning and it said the exact same thing it said last Friday....249.6 lbs.  Ahhh...a sigh of relief.  Sure, I wish it was down at least a lb. by now, but I'm always going to be happy as long as it doesn't go back up.  I really hope I never see the 250's again. 

As far as exercise goes....sprains take WAY too long to heal.  I think it's been 3 weeks now since I slipped and fell in Wal-mart, practically crushing my ankle inbetween my fat ass and the hard floor when I plopped down on it.  I went to the gym this past Saturday morning, fully intending on getting back into the exercise swing.  I walked 2 miles on the treadmill, with the first mile carrying 5 lb. weights in my hands.  I felt fine at the time I was doing it, but it's been clear since Saturday afternoon on that things still aren't completely healed.  The bone on the outside of my leg, just above my ankle throbs now and again, and if I turn my foot the wrong way, there's a weakness there that causes my leg to give.  If I'm not careful I'll find myself on the ground again.  So I'm still unable to get back into the exercise full force and that is frustrating beyond belief.  But...I need my feet and ankles and legs to work, so I'm not going to push it too hard just to end up injuring it worse.  Then I WILL be cussing.

Staying off the scale again til Friday morning...and relieved to know that I'm at least holding steady this week.  :)

Grilled Pita Pizzas & Shrimp Po' Boys

I ate some REALLY good food this wknd and I took some pics to show you.  :)  My good friend Tina at Fat Girl Dives In told me how to make grilled pita pizzas, and Dwayne, who has not yet met Tina, is now officially in love with her...lol.  He said it was the BEST pizza he has ever eaten in his entire life.  Trust me when I tell you this guy's eaten a lot of pizza, so that was quite the compliment. 

I followed Tina's instructions step by step....brushed the pita with some olive oil and minced garlic and grilled them on both sides.  I cooked some hot italian chicken sausage in the skillet that I bought at the Farmer's Market along with the pitas.  I topped mine with a little pizza sauce, the sausage, 4 pepperonis, 2 oz. of Boar's Head low sodium ham, some cheese, and some onions-bell peppers-fresh mushrooms that I lightly sauteed in a skillet.  Then I put them back on the grill and covered with the lid for a few minutes to heat the pita through and melt the cheese.  Dwayne's only had pepproni, ham and sausage of course...no veggies.

O
M
G

Best.  Pizza. EVER.

I ate half of mine...then fed most of the 3rd piece to Scarlette.  I was completely stuffed and miserable from 2 pieces....still trying to figure that one out....felt sure I was going to be able to eat the whole thing and fully intended to when I started.  I guess I've just gotten used to eating smaller amounts of food more often....but oh my goodness the misery was worth it.  Just so good.  AND I still managed to stay at 1800 cals for the day.  Success!!

Saturday night we did the same thing with some Naan bread...brushed both sides with olive oil and minced garlic and grilled them.  Then I mixed up a little Kraft lite mayo and some cocktail sauce for a faux remoulade.  Allan gave me a recipe for real remoulade sauce, but it requires putting veggies in a food processor as part of the recipe, and I couldn't chance it with Dwayne right under my feet...he wouldn't have eaten it, lol.  So....mixed up the mayo and cocktail, spread 1 tbsp. on the Naan, layered it with some green leaf lettuce, and about 6 oz. of shrimp.   My heavens it was soooo delicious.  And satisfying.  Dwayne raved about it almost as much as the pizzas.  We both really enjoyed those meals.

I also took pics of my breakfast this morning....300 calorie egg scramble.  I used 2 whole eggs and 1 egg white....then 3 oz. of Boar's Head low sodium ham, some onions, bell peppers and fresh mushrooms.  Yum.

I screwed up dinner today.  I ate too much.  My original plan of everything grilled at mom's cookout just didn't work out.  We weren't able to grill and to tell you the truth I just didn't feel like devising a new plan.  So I ate whatever was there and a little too much of it.  The guilt has been a little overwhelming, but I'm counting on the fact that one bad meal won't ruin an entire week of meals.  Every other meal Fri, Sat and Sun was right on target calorie-wise.  I also went to the gym Saturday morning and walked 2 miles on the treadmill....and carried a 5 lb. weight in each hand for the first mile of it.  Looking forward to a few more workouts this week, either at the gym or the fitness center here at my apt complex...they finally opened it!

So...trying to wash off the guilt of tonight's dinner and just keep moving forward.  My goal is the same again this week...1800 calorie a day limit and some walking.  If I stick to it, I should be able to pull off a nice 2 lb. loss this week.  I'm looking ahead to Friday's weigh-in....it feels good to ancipate them again instead of dread them.  :)

Progress

Can everyone read that #??  249.6 BABY!!!!! 

I was 255.8 last Friday, so by keeping my calories at or under 1800 each day this past week, I lost 6.2 lbs!!  I'm sure probaby half of it is a sodium drop...but who cares...I'm back in the 240's!!!  I have the same plan for this week....1800 calories...and there's some more good news.  They finally opened my fitness center at the apt yesterday afternoon, so I can use that when I don't feel like making the 45 minute to the gym after work.  Woo Hoo!!  I'm hoping that with continuing to only take it one day at a time, I can leave the 250's behind forever, and steadily move down through the 240's.  

Thanks to everyone who left a comment yesterday.  That was a hard post to write and one that actually took me by surprise at how hard that award hit me.  A few of the comments made me think about things in a way I hadn't before, so thank you for that.  :)

I've been working on a plan for my weekend eating with Dwayne.  My dinners are usually my lightest meal during the work week....I think I had egg whites and mushrooms 3x this week.  Tonight's dinner is going to be on the heavier side, so I'll need to adjust my calories accordingly throughout the day.  So far I've had 270 calories for breakfast....2 whole eggs at 75 cals each...so 150 there...and 2 pieces of Jimmy Dean turkey sausage for a total of 120 calories there...so 270.  I used Pam Olive Oil cooking spray to cook them in.  It's time to grocery shop again, so didn't have anything readily available for lunch, which means I'll probably be heading to Publix on my lunch break to get a sandwich out of their deli. 

Last Sunday I went to the Farmer's Market with Tina from Fat Girl Dives In, listed on my blogroll.  I always have the best visits with her.  She's just a fun girl to be around, and so down to earth.  We ate lunch together at the salad bar, and then did some shopping.  She pointed me towards the pita bread that she buys from their bakery to make grilled pita pizzas, so Dwayne and I are trying them tonight.  When you buy bread from the bakery, they obviously don't list the calorie counts on the bags, so Tina and I are ballparking that the pitas, which are a little bigger than your normal pita pocket, are probably around 300 calories.  I also bought some ground spicy italian chicken sausage from their meat department, and will be sizzling that up in a skillet ahead of time to add to my pizzas.  Dwayne will be eating the chicken sausage on his (can you believe it???!!!), and adding some pepperoni that he picked up at the store last night.  I'll be lightly sauteeing some onions, bell peppers, and fresh mushrooms to put on mine....and topping it off with some fresh mozzarella that I also bought at the Farmer's Market.  Then Tina says you just place them on the grill and cover them, which warms the bread and melts the cheese.  Cant' wait.  :)

My plan for Saturday night's dinner was originally to have shrimp po' boys.  I asked Dwayne and he said that sounded good...thank God!  Something we'll both eat!  I was thinking I'd have mine on some kind of low calorie wheat bun/bread...wasn't sure yet, and buy Dwayne whatever kind of bread he wanted.  Well he decided that since we're grilling shrimp, we should throw on some fish, too....so now we're up to fish and shrimp po'boys.  Then we got to Publix last night for him to pick up some of his junk food for the apt, and he said we should eat the po' boys on flatbread.  So we found some in the deli and the calorie count on the flatbread is 260 calories.  I told him I didn't want anything that calorie dense, because I'm already having 300 calorie pitas on Friday night...I need to make better use of my calories.  So we looked and looked.....I suggested some low calorie tortillas...he didn't want that...wanted a thicker bread.  So we finally decided on some Naan....how ethnic of him, lol.  The calories on that are 190.  We bought 4 pieces, but I'm thinking what I'll do is have one shrimp po'boy on one of the pieces of Naan, and then just have a little piece of grilled fish on the side.  I don't need 2 big ass sandwiches.  I was going to buy some Boar's Head remoulade sauce for the po' boys, but Dwayne said there was no need to spend the money...he'd just mix up some mayo and cocktail sauce and that would be close to the same thing.  Allan, if you're reading this morning, can you kindly tell me what all is in remoulade sauce?  :)

Sunday I'm meeting Kim at the salon to get our nails done...I am sooo past due.  Then we're having lunch together.  I asked her where she wanted to go and she said she's leaving it up to me so I can choose something and still stay in my calorie budget.  Now THAT'S a supportive friend.  :)  I'm not sure where we're going yet....I need to find out what restaurants are close to the salon on her side of town...but we'll be deciding that today over email so I can choose my item and know the calorie count ahead of time.  Lastly, I'm going to my mom and dad's house for dinner on Sunday afternoon....we're throwing my cousin Ann Marie a surprise birthday party.  I asked mom ahead of time if we can grill....it's probably going to be chicken breasts, center cut pork chops, and hot dogs for the kids.  I'm bringing the chicken breasts along, and I'm making some cole slaw to take.  As a matter of fact, I got the cole slaw recipe from Jack Sh*t's blog post yesterday.  I'm using regular cabbage in place of the kale...but everything else will be the same.  Can't wait to try it.  :)

So....this is me trying to stay on my game by planning ahead of time as much as possible.  Of course, we all know plans can fall apart at a moment's notice, but hopefully not from my own doing.  I have more confidence in my calorie counting when I make the effort to plan ahead of time and I have a much better chance of staying on track. 

I hope everyone has a fabulous weekend, too! :)

The Toughest Award I've Received Yet

My sweet and special sister of a friend, Sheilagh at Sixty Is Good, listed on my blogroll, passed this adorable award on to me today.  I read the rules of receiving this award and was immediately brought to tears.  I copied them from her blog to paste them here:

The Rules for Eligibility are:

1. Answer the question,

"If you had one chance to go back and change one thing in your life, would you and what would it be?

2. Pass on to six people and inform them of the award.


Oh my goodness.  There's so, so much I would change if I had the chance.  I did so many things wrong in so many ways.  I've done a lot right....but the things I've done wrong can really be haunting.  My mind was flooded with a plethora of things that I would change if I had the chance to go back, but it really only took a second to know which one I would choose. 

The one thing at the top of the list that I would have done differently is keep Brittany, instead of giving her up for adoption.  I was so naive growing up.  So ignorant...maybe shielded...to the ways of the world.  I was 18 years old when I got pregnant with Brittany.  I was just out of high school and working 20 hours a week at a yogurt shop making $4.25/hr.  My math skills were telling me I didn't have the financial ability to raise her.  I regretted getting pregnant so young...but it wasn't that I hated the baby.  I didn't.  I just didn't think I could do it on my own.....I didn't think I could afford to....and it felt so unfair in my mind to do that to a child.

I truthfully didn't know what welfare was.  I had heard the word tossed around in political discussions...but knew nothing of actually obtaining it for myself....I didn't know about things like W.I.C. and other things offered to raise a child in poverty.  The only thing I had to compare Brittany's raising to in my mind, was my own raising.  I had 2 loving parents...still married to this day...and both of them always worked.  We weren't rich, but we had plenty of money to meet all of our needs...my sisters and I were involved in extracurricular sports, and dance classes, etc.....things that take money.  That was my "normal".  I didn't have any money....so I didn't see how I could give Brittany a "normal" life.  In my mind, it was just an impossibility.

My first thought was abortion.  I had the appt. set and the money to do it.  I was scared out of my mind and I didn't want to go through with the pregnancy....even to adopt her out.  I just wanted the "problem" to go away.   My mom, my best friend Pam, and my cousin Veronnica all talked me out of that decision.    I thank God for them.  They knew me better than I knew myself, and they knew that I'd never be able to live with that decision in the days, weeks and years to come.  They were so right. 

Going through that pregnancy for all those months....dealing with everything that it entailed...breakdowns in family relationships, constant sickness from morning sickness to toxemia that put me on bed rest flat on my back from Month 6 onward....feeling the baby move and kick inside me...fighting with all of my might the bond that was being created between me and my child....because I knew she wasn't going to be mine in the end.  It was a living Hell. 

After the birth and the adoption were over with....I spent a lot of time praying for peace.  I felt like a monster for giving her away....who gives away their own flesh and blood?  I do.  Because I couldn't see any other way in my young, naive 18 year old mind.  As I aged, I learned.  I found out that I could have made it on government assistance.  I could have even gotten government assistance to go to school....and I'm betting I could have worked out the babysitting with my sisters and mom to get an education and do right by Brittany.  I learned a lot.....and I regretted a lot. 

I lost something that day...I was going to say a little piece of me died, but really, it was a big piece.  There is a void in my heart that will never be filled....something that will never be right..never be whole or complete.

I'm one of the lucky ones though.  I have the good fortune of  knowing where Brittany is and that she's doing okay.  I know that she doesn't hate me...and that she understands my situation back then as best she can.  We exchange a few words about once a month over Facebook.  I try not to intrude on her life...and she hasn't asked to meet me in person.  But she's always cordial and polite....and she knows I'm here.   But if there were only one thing that I could change in life....that would be it.  I would have kept my baby girl.

And there are other things that I learned as I aged.  There are plenty of people out there that can't have children....and sometimes people in bad situations like I was are their only hope.  My young mistake was someone else's miracle.  So although I thought of myself as a monster for a while....I eventually matured enough to leave that kind of thinking behind, and appreciate my hand in having another couple's dream come true....the blessing of a child. 

I'll complete the rest of the requirements and pass this award on to 6 others in my post tomorrow.  :)

Look Before You Leap

I was running late this morning and ran out of time before I could fix breakfast at home.  I knew I was going to swing through a drive-thru and the choice on the way to work was either McD's or Burger King.  I haven't had either one in several months and was trying to remember the calorie value of a couple of breakfast items.  I decided to hit Burger King for a ham and egg croissant...no cheese.  I was thinking it was around 300-350 calories.  I got it, ate it on the way to the office, and when I got here, logged onto the computer, pulled up the BK website, and found that my breakfast was 500 calories.  Dang!  Why did I think it was 300??  I pulled up McD's menu, found an Egg McMuffin....and IT was 300 calories.  I got them confused. 

Just a few minutes ago I was munching on a pear that I grabbed out of the fruit bowl when I was running out the door this morning.  Wasn't hungry....but it was sitting on my desk....it looked good...so I was munching on it when I decided to pull http://www.sparkpeople.com/ back up and see how many calories it was.  I was guessing around 80.  It was actually 123 calories.  I was about 3/4 through the pear when I read this, so I tossed the rest of it in the trash, and I'm calling it 100 calories.  These were a couple of excellent reminders to look up my calorie values BEFORE I make my choice. 

As far as my choices go so far this morning.....I should have only had the pear and spread out my calories in a better way over my whole day.  All is not lost....I'll still keep it under 1800 today as I've done all week...but I'm definitely more aware of my choices due to my caloric breakfast overload...and that will make for better choices tomorrow. 

Not getting on the scale is driving me a little nuts....but I'm handling it.  I know I've only got 2 more days to find out my progress for the week, and knowing I've succeeded at the one-day-at-a-time philosophy, and 1800 calorie a day max....the wait will be worth it.  :)

Kicking Me While I'm Down?

It's no secret that I struggle severely with my weight problem and addiction to food.  I have a real problem.  It's no secret because I post about it all right here.  I'm as honest as I can possibly be.  The only thing I don't post about are very personal things that pop up from time to time and involve people that I love deeply, and out of respect, I leave that out.  But those things are few and far between in the grand scheme of things.  For the most part, you hear it all....good and bad.  Most of it's been bad, as is apparent by my weigh-ins on my sidebar.  I've had some good periods, most of it when I first started blogging over a year ago. 

I struggle with depression...I went through a 3 month break-up with Dwayne (my boyfriend of 6 years)....I endured a year and four months of unemployment....I lost 3 friendships.....and a few other emotional things scattered through that I haven't been able to blog about.   

And guess what?  I'm still here.  I'm still alive.  I still care...and I'm still trying.  Have I failed miserably?  Oh you bet I have....I've screwed it up time and time again.  It's embarassing, and I've fought the urge to shut this blog down many, many times.  But I haven't.  I've held on.  I'm in the fight for my life here, and I still have hope that I can make it out alive....Thinner than I am, and a whole lot healthier and fit. 

My highest weight in my life was 340 lbs.  I'm around 255 lbs. now.  That's about 85 lbs. lost.  I'm not one to toot my own horn....I'm not a vain or overly proud person, but losing 85 lbs. is no small feat. 

I'm struggling again now, trying to get a foothold, reverting back to how I started.....one day at a time.  I set a daily calorie limit of 1800, and to exercise as well as I can, as soon as I can, with a sprained ankle.  Does this sound like a crash diet?  I don't think so.  Not even close.

But I was going through my blog reader on my dashboard tonight, and read that someone posted about me tonight.  They did not use my name, but they used exact phrases I used in a post a few days ago (going for the gold), and talked about the big amt. of weight I lost a few months back (April-15 lbs), then went on to say that I gained twice as much back....and now I'm going on a "crash diet" to get back to where I was (I mentioned in my post that I wonder if I can lose as much as 20 lbs. in a month).

Apparently I should have never wondered about those 20 lbs. out loud.  I guess I just shocked the shit out of someone so badly that they had to blog about it.  I take it back.  I don't want to lose 20 lbs. this month.  I want to lose as much as I can with the plan of not exceeding 1800 calories a day, and exercising as much as I can.   1800 calories and exercising a few days a week is nowhere near a "crash diet"....it's not even close.  When I first started, I was modeling after Sean and ate 1500 calories a day, and working out 6 days a week.  I raised it to 1800 this time because I know what a volume eater I am, especially spending 9 1/2 hours at a desk at work.  I think this is quite sane.

I was shocked to see the blog post.  Crash diet?  Seriously?  Wait a minute....are they judging me????  While I'm struggling,  to boot???  I left a comment disagreeing with their viewpoint on my plan...very politely.  The cool thing about us all having our own little corner of the blog world is that we get to say whatever we please.  So here's what I'm going to say. 

We all have opinions on what we see and what we read.  We all judge.  My hope is that we're doing it internally....not outwardly....and never in a hurtful way.  What was said about me wasn't hurtful...it was just left hanging out there for anyone to form their own opinion on what I'm doing.  They pointed out 4 or 5 other bloggers and what they're doing....and ended the post saying what an interesting world we live in.  Well I'm glad my struggle is so interesting....maybe someone will get out of it what I pray they get out of it.  And that's to never give up on yourself.  Stay in the game.  Know you're worth the fight, and never lose hope. 

There is always hope.

**********UPDATE************

When I awoke this morning, I had second thoughts about this post.  I was a bit offended when I wrote it, and after some good sleep and waking with a fresh mind to a new day, I decided this was too harsh.  I should have kept it to myself.  I got to work, pulled up my computer, and the person that I'm referring to in this post left me a comment.  I also had 9 other comments.  I decided to keep the post up, and only post the comment of the person I'm referring to.  I really like this person.  She's been on my Favorites list on my computer for over a year now.  I appreciate the comment that she left.  Thank you friend.  :) 

The comment is below:

Yup, Tammy. It was me. I didn't even realize I had quoted you about going for the gold. The same expression came to my mind.







When you posted your goal, you didn't talk about how many calories per day. 1800 is totally respectable and not at all a crash diet.






I was just really concerned when you talked about seeing how much you could lose in a month, especially since you had talked about this goal right after talking about the 15 pound loss and the 29 pound gain.






Like all bloggers, I have my own personal way of seeing things, but when I express my disagreement it's really because I am concerned about the person.






I have been reading your blog for a while now and you really have gone through some very tough times in the past year or so. I really, sincerely wish you all the best and hope that in the fullness of time you reach a weight that is sustainable for you and one at which you feel comfortable.
 
With this response from her....I'm not going to post the rest of the comments, although I appreciate your input.  I did accidentally hit publish on one of the comments and I can't figure out how to remove it now.  But I'm going to leave the rest out.  The only ones I'll publish today will be after I've posted this update.  It was awesome of this person to come over and leave her comment/explanation for me.  Very classy of her.  I've tried to do the right thing by posting her comment within this blog post w/o her name.  Her name is not important....what she had to say is all that matters, and it's appreciated.  Let's move on to the next post tomorrow, shall we?  Have a fabulous day everyone.  :)

Back On Track

I had a really good weekend.  I did not exceed the 1800 calorie mark that I set for myself all weekend.  I was perfect all 3 days....Fri, Sat and Sun.  Unbelievable.  lol  And it was relatively easy.  You can tell when you've had enough of the crap and you're ready for a change.  I wasn't frantic or wanting to eat the house this wknd.  I was calm and relaxed...planned out my food and calories ahead of each meal...and only concentrated on one day at a time (for the most part).  We did grill out Sat night, and I pre-planned to have Dwayne cook enough to last for Sunday's dinner, too....just so we wouldn't have to cook again. 

The only tough thing was staying off of the scale....but it's all good.  If I'm doing what I'm supposed to in the way of food and exercise, there's really no need to be on it more than once a week....and only then to gauge my progress.  It gives me a boost to see things moving in the right direction, and I'd rather see that weekly than monthly.  My official weigh-in last Fri morning was 255.8.  I feel like that number will be a few lbs. less by this Friday.  I didn't do any exercise over the weekend.  My plan for this week is to go to the gym on Tues and Thur and do something that doesn't require putting my full weight on my foot/ankle, as it's still a bit painful and very weak.  I'm thinking either the stationary bike or a rowing machine...something of the sort.  They also have water aerobic classes at my gym on Tues and Thur, so that's something I'm considering...if I could just get over the fact that the stupid pool room is surrounded by glass windows, both to the inside of the gym, and to the outside public...good grief!!!

And a word of thanks to one of the commenters who's concerned about me losing fast and gaining it all back.  Thanks for your concern girl...I do appreciate it.  And I would agree with you if I were taking drastic measure to dump a bunch of weight...like dropping calories to only 1,000 a day and working out 4-6 hrs every evening.  But I'm nowhere close to any kind of extreme.  The 1800 calories I set is a good bit of food, and as we can see, I'm not exercising much yet due to my ankle.  Me wondering if I can lose 20 lbs in a month is most likely a dream that will never come true, lol.....I say things like that because I'm sick and tired of being strangled in my clothing (I got rid of all of my bigger clothes and REFUSE to buy any more).....and with 20 lbs gone, I'd actually be able to breathe in what I'm wearing to work.  I'm also a big fan of "going for the gold" when you've got your full focus....so there's definitely nothing wrong with shooting for the 20 lb. mark, whether I hit it or not.  Let's face it....ANY kind of a loss is better than not even trying.  :)

My fitness center at the apt is SUPPOSED to open this Thursday, so we'll see if that's actually true.  If not, I always have the option of the gym.  It totally sucks that Kim broke her ankle and we're not able to work out together right now....but I'll be putting myself in the habit of going alone starting this Tuesday.  I'm going to make the exercise a priority....and that has more to do with the mental aspect than it does the physical. 

September 11, 2001

Never

Ever

Forget

Fighting For My Life

That title sounds dramatic doesn't it?   It should.  Getting this weight off is imperative.  It's quickly moving to the top of my list of THE most important things to me.  Sean at The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser, listed on my blogroll, is someone that I refer to often.  I made him my mentor very shortly after starting my blog last June.  He started the fight for HIS life at 505 lbs, and now he's just a few lbs. short of his 230 lb. goal.  I often find myself coming back around to the truths that he's built his weight loss on.  He's constantly harping on making this as important as life and death.  It sounds dramatic...but I agree with him.  Even when I get off track or go astray, I always come back around to this.  I need to just get it done.  I need to make it THE most important thing in my life, until it is conquered and a new heatlhy lifestyle is firmly in place. 

We all have different circumstances going on in our lives that can very easily throw off our focus, if we let it.  I have let it many times....too many times.  I get mad at myself for this.  In the end, none of the excuses/circumstances matter.  It's up to us to fix the ones we can, and deal with the ones we can't, without letting it throw us off course.  It takes a lot of determination, tenacity, consistency, perseverance and sacrifice to do it...but I believe it's worth doing.  I believe the freedom we'll find from sticking to it and seeing it through to our goals will far outweigh the pitfalls and obstacles that we have to work around along the way.  I don't know about you, but I am just sick to death of this taking so long.  I'm tired of veering off course and taking my blinders off.  Quite frankly, it's depressing.

I feel better when I'm doing better.  Making the right food choices and exercising makes me feel good about myself.  It makes me feel better physically, and it frees me mentally.  I was so low the other night when I did my last post, that I really thought I was going to have to go back on an anti-depressant to even get to a place where I can focus on losing the weight.  That may still be true.  I already have to go to the dr's in a month for my thyroid, so if I'm still having problems with the depression in a month, I'll get the dr. to give me another prescription for Zoloft.  It definitely helps. 

In the meantime, I'm going to do what I can for myself, starting today.  I've got a goal for the next 30 days.  I'm going to take it one day at a time...no more than that....and make the right decisions as I go along.  I'm not going to "try" to...I'm just going to do it.  I'm not going to look down the road to next week, or next month.  I'm going to live in the present, and only focus on a 24 hour time period.  Yes, I'm back where I started...one day at a time.  That's ok.  I'm still kicking...I've still got some fight left in me...and the important thing is that I'm not quitting. 

I keep thinking back to the challenge I did in April to get ready for my beach trip.  I went from 241 lbs to 226 lbs. in 30 days.  I lost 15 lbs. in one month, with admittedly slacking on the last week, where I only lost 1 lb....more focused on the week at the beach that was quickly approaching than I was on making the right choices.  This really makes me wonder how much I can really lose in a month, given I keep the daily focus...one day at a time...until 30 days have passed.  Can I lose 20 lbs?  I don't know.  I've already proven to myself that I can lose 15 lbs.  I'm 255 lbs. today.  I know I can at least get to 240 lbs.  That is so appealing.  My clothes will fit again at 240 lbs.  I'll be one lb. away from the 230's...again.  I might even get down into the 230's in the next 30 days.  I want to try.  I'm going to do my best, each day, and I'll see just what I'm capable of. 

All I know is that I have to get out of the pit I'm in now.  I have to climb out....now.  Nobody else is going to do it for me.  I have to save myself.  I think I'm worth fighting for...I think I deserve less depression and more happiness.  I think I deserve to get rid of the pain in my back and my knees from simply being too fat, and find out what it's like to live pain-free. 

I'm not going to post pics of everything I eat, just because I'm not going to add in a bunch of little things that I "have" to do this month.  There are two main things....the 2 I always come back to....eat less and move more.  It works if you actually do it....consistently, that is.  I'm a big fan of calorie counting because you can't argue with cold, hard numbers.  You can absolutely count on the numbers every time....so I'm keeping it between 1500-1800.  My exercise...I'm not sure yet.  But it has to be more than it is now.

I posted 2 weeks ago that I slipped and fell in Walmart and sprained my ankle.  It wasn't a terribly serious sprain...not enough to need crutches....but it definitely still hurts and is very weak.  We spent 4 hours walking around Biltmore Estate last weekend, and at the end of that time, I was praying my leg would just fall off, I was in so much pain.  So I've been nervous about getting back on the treadmill just yet.  I'm thinking about the bike or some kind of rowing machine at the gym, so that I won't have my weight on my foot, but will still be getting in some kind of exercise. 

And to go back to what I said earlier in this post about fixing the things you can.....I had a talk with Dwayne last night.  We had a nice dinner together...talked...and he really listened.  I told him I'm struggling big time in a lot of ways, considering an anti-depressant, and that I'm really disgusted with myself for being so loosey goosey on the weight loss and exercise front.  He told me that he knows he's a burden because he's around so much now (6 days a week), and that we don't eat very many of the same things.  He hugged me a bunch, held my hand....looked me right in the eyes, listened intently....and ended up telling me that he'll do absolutely anything he can in helping me to reach my goals and that I have his endless support in ALL of my goals.  He said he knows he needs to eat better...he'll try to work on that.  He said he's been thinking to himself that he needs to do better, just from watching me...and that he's trying to make himself get in the habit of some kind of exercise.  He admitted to a problem with laziness and poor choices, and he wants to do better....be better.

I told him I'll never force my own choices on him, and that I've never been one to believe in trying to change someone you're with.  It never works anyway....that they have to want to change for themselves...and they'll do it in their own time, if it's going to happen.  I told him if he needs any help...I'll do anything for him.  I told him that the grilling thing we used to do on weekends was really working for both of us....and we agreed that we're going to try it, until we get busted by the front ofc.  I told him no more bringing dinner home on Friday nights.  Besides the fact that it's a huge waste of money....we need to eat better.  I told him I'll be cooking on Friday nights from now on...something that we'll both enjoy.

My original plan for tonight's dinner...and what I told Dwayne...is that we'll have burgers and fries.  I have a box of those Reduced Fat Bubba Burgers in the freezer....they're 260 calories a piece and I cook them on the Foreman grill in the kitchen....then cut up a couple of baking potatoes, sprinkle some season salt and pepper on them, and bake them in the oven.  While figuring out how I wanted to spend my calories today...I decided I didn't want to spend 260 on one of those tiny burgers.  I decided that when I go to Publix on my lunch break today to pick up 120 calorie wheat buns, I'm going to grab a pack of ground chicken breast, and make myself a chicken burger in a skillet while his burger is on the Foreman.  I can have a 5 oz. chicken burger for only 150 calories.  This way I can get a healthier burger...a BIGGER burger...for 110 fewer calories.  I also looked up a large baking potato on http://www.sparkpeople.com/ and it says it's 278 calories.  So I decided I'll only have 1/2 of one, sliced up into fries, with my burger tonight.  We'll probably also have some watermelon...something we both enjoy.

As far as the grilling goes....we have a Char-Broil stand up electric grill.  You just plug it into the wall...no gas, no charcoal to fall out of the bottom and set the apt complex on fire.  We love that grill.  Dwayne said he'll start grilling every Sat night for us....and he'll make enough to last for Sunday's dinner too, so that we're now eating healthy all weekend.  Well....as healthy as he'll eat w/ no veggies, lol.  I was just so relieved that he's going to be on board with me, and supportive of what I want and need to do with my eating lifestyle.  He even said that if we get busted using our grill....that he'll buy a bag of charcoal each week, and a charcoal grill, and drag it out to an open area where you're allowed to grill....and still grill for me every weekend to help me stay on track.  I just love him.  He really wants to see  me succeed at what I'm trying to do...he wants to see my healthy AND happy...and I just love him to pieces for it. 

What's the date today?  The 10th I think?  So we'll see what I weight on Oct. 10th.  That's another thing...I have been absolutely TORMENTING myself with that damn scale....daily abuse.  So I'm going back to only weighing once a week, on Friday's, to see what kind of progress I'm making. 

I'm not saying I don't still need the anti-depressants....I may still do that when I go in for my thryoid appt....I'll definitely do it if it's apparent that I need it.  But I know that making the right choices and getting in regular exercise does wonders for the mind and body....and that needs to start today.

As a side note....I will REMEMBER this time that my cycle plays a huge part in my losses...because I'm abnormal and have a cycle that lasts 2 weeks.  I'm off for 2 weeks...it's here for 2 weeks...it leaves for 2 weeks....you get the idea.  So I know...no matter how well I'm doing...the scale is going to suck at least 2 out of the 4 weeks....however, I also know it should catch up on the good weeks....and I have to be careful to not give into the sweet/salty cravings that are so overwhelming during this time.  I always seem to forget about this stuff....but this morning on my way to work...the cramps kicked in to remind me. 

So this is where I'm at and what I'm doing....looking forward to a good weekend with Dwayne.  Oh...and I'm supposed to meet up with Tina and Crys at the Farmer's Market this Sunday.  Kim was supposed to go with us, but the poor thing broke her ankle a couple of days ago and is on crutches.  I feel so sorry for her...I know how bad it sucks to be incapacitated.  Everyone pray that my sweet friend heals up quickly. 

Have a fabulous weekend!  :)

I Need Meds...Seriously

I've come to the decision that I need to go back on Zoloft?  Didn't know I used to take it?  Well I did.  Probably should have never gone off.

I've had bouts with depression since I was a teenager.  No major reason why really, which is the kicker.  I think sometimes you just have a chemical imbalance in the brain that can only be corrected or balanced out with meds. 

I went for years and years w/o taking meds because...and I'm being totally honest here...I didn't like the stigma.  I've grown up since then.  I've gotten wiser.  Some people need them....like myself.  And there shouldn't be any shame in it.  I remember the day a few years ago that changed my viewpoint on the matter.  I was talking to my sister Brandy about my depression, which was hard to do.  She's a very non-emotional person....very straightforward, level-headed, and reason-based....have never seen her overly emotional at any time during our lives.  I was telling her I really think there's something wrong with my brain and I need to go on anti-depressants but didn't like the stigma associated with taking them.  She told me that was a stupid view, lol.  Good ol' sis.  She used to be a police officer for the county I live in, and I have no idea why she knew this statistic, but she told me that 60+% of the residents in my county are on anti-depressants.

?!?!?!   REALLY  ?!?!?!

Welll...suddenly I don't feel so bad, lol.  I went to the doctor the next day.

I've been on/off them over the last several years....coming off only because I was feeling pretty damn "normal" (good) and I really do have an aversion to taking any kind of meds.  I'm already stuck with taking synthroid for my thyroid for the rest of my life....I didn't want another lifelong medicine that wasn't implicitly linked to keeping me alive.  I may be wrong about that....mental health is important.  For me, the depression is directly tied to the food.  And when I get to where I just don't give a shit....but I really DO give a shit and want to do better....but can't seem to summon what it takes (find my mojo again)....and find myself crying in the car every day on the way home from work for no good reason.....then I know it's time to go back on my meds.

Problem #1.  I don't have insurance so the dr's visit will cost me $125 that I can't really afford to spend right now.  Not sure if I mentioned it before, but the job that I'm so thankful to have, only pays $1 more an hour than I was getting on unemployment.  Translation:  Things are still very, very hard and very, very stressful...daily. 

Problem #2.  I would have to take a couple of hours off work to go to the dr's appt and that doesn't look good to my new boss.  He promised me a raise in 6 months IF....IF....I didn't miss much work, was always on time and gave him 110%.  My 6 months isn't due until Dec. 16th.  So I'm nervous about asking for the time to go to the dr....and what it will mean for my review....I REALLY, REALLY need a good raise.  I can't hold on like this much longer financially.

On the other hand...I can't hold on much longer mentally, either.  I have a roadblock in my brain.  I can't seem to get out of the 250's.  I know all the right things to do.  I know what was working before when I got down into the 220's, although ever so briefly.  But I just can't seem to make myself do what I need to do.  I care...I cry over it every single day....but I can't seem to make my brain care enough to get the work done.  I can't seem to get the right mindset.  It's pretty sick actually.  I'm sad and depressed and hate this fat, and hate that I can't breathe in any of my clothes, and I feel ugly and gross.....so then I eat something I shouldn't for that fleeting moment of temporary relief...knowing the guilt and the continued disgust is only a minute or two behind that last bite.  What stupidity. 

I have to do something.  I think meds is the answer.  I have to save myself.

Cherokee/Biltmore Pics

There were 250 rooms & 45 bathrooms in this house...this is where the pics of some of the rooms start...this is the banquet hall.

Conservatory/atrium

Looking off the veranda on the back side of the mansion.

Bowling alley.

Swimming pool.

Kitchen

Have you laughed today?

Oconaluftee River that runs behind our hotel room.

Can you tell what this is a picture of??  lmao...I have a nosy baby.  She likes to stand in the window on the other side of the curtain and stare at the neighbors/tourists.  These are her legs sticking out below the curtain..lol...oh I laugh every time I look at this.  It's one of my favorite pics!  :)

From our family to yours...have a FABULOUS day!  :)