Struggling this week. Big time. Failing in a major way. And for no good reason other than I'm just not saying "no" when I need to. And it seems so incredibly hard. Some weeks are a breeze, other weeks, not so much. I need to get in "the zone" and right now it feels like it's miles and miles away. I had a conversation with myself today, after not posting this morning due to this crappy week. Sometimes you just have to stop...in all of your busyness...and just ask yourself...what's the problem? Why are you struggling? Why is this so hard? Why can't your lips seem to form the word "no" when needed?
I made my mental list, like I've done many times in the past, and it's a long one. A long list of excuses. Nothing more. Nothing worth sharing. I have a feeling most of our lists look pretty much the same. But after you've made the list, does it make a difference to identify the roadblocks, etc? Not really. Not for me it doesn't, because most of the things can't be changed. Boyfriend that just isn't on board with healthy food OR exercise, yet is constantly around you (how am I EVER going to entertain the thought of marrying this man??) Job stress/problems that you have zero control over (but you were unemployed for so long that you're not about to chance going out and looking for another job right now). Too damn tired at night to cook a decent meal, probably mostly due to the aforementioned job stress (you want to just go home and go to bed w/o dinner so you don't eat something horrific...but Dwayne's coming over again!!!)
I feel like I'm caught in a never-ending cycle of bad circumstances and even worse choices. I hate when being honest and blogging about it makes you sound like you're purposely throwing yourself a pity party or a whine-fest. Those aren't my intentions even thought it sounds that way. But what I know is that if I don't get it out...write it down...then the clarity never comes, nor does the relief of getting it out of my brain.
And I'm coming to the same conclusion that I've come to in the past w/ excuses or poor circumstances. It just doesn't matter. It simply does not matter. This is called Life. And it's tough. And no matter how long your list of poor-me excuses are...life keeps moving, with or without you. Every day that you don't make the good choices, is another day further away from your goals. I've heard some say that you shouldn't put a number on your goals....not a specific date or event that you want to lose your weight by/for. I agree with that to a certain extent. On the other hand though, taking the attitude that you've got all the time in the world and you'll get there when you get there sounds a little dangerous to me. Is it going to suddenly be Christmas and I'm fatter than I was last Christmas? Am I going to suddenly be 40 and still not have lost this weight, even though I started this blog one month before my 37th birthday? Am I going to be one of those people that have a heart attack or stroke in their late 30's because I just didn't do what needed to be done in time? Are my list of excuses going to matter THEN? Am I going to leave my family standing over my coffin, wishing I would have done what it took to stay in their lives? Wishing that I thought they were important enough to me? That I was important enough to me?
Along with the cycle of crappy circumstances that beget poor choices comes the never-ending guilt and disappointment in myself. Boy am I sick of that. I really am. I was thinking back today to the challenge I did in April to get ready for my beach trip. I was 241 lbs at the time and set a goal of 225 lbs. I wanted to lose 16 lbs in one month. I'll admit that I floundered that last week of the challenge, because I had my mind more on the upcoming beach trip than I did on planning and eating healthy meals. So I only lost 1 lb that last week I think. But I ended up with a total of 15 lbs lost for the month of April. I happen to know that if I would have actually applied myself that last week, I could have most likely lost 20 lbs that month. 20 lbs in one single month. If I gave half the effort, I could lose 10 lbs in one month.
So....what?? Why?? What the hell is wrong with me??? lol
I remember the determination I had during that challenge. I took pics of everything I ate. I exercised (walked at the park/went to the gym) 6 days a week. Without fail. I remember people asking me to go out to eat and I'd turn them down. I remember them asking me to do something a certain time of day and I'd say nope...I've got to go get my exercise in. I was 100% in the game. I had my focus. I could not be deterred. And I reaped the rewards for that kind of commitment.
Now I know you can't lose that kind of weight at that rate when you're closer to your goal. But I'm still 80 lbs away from my goal!! I have MORE than enough fat left on my body to drop that kind of weight. Do you know how much happier I'd be (again) at 233 than I am at 253? The clothes I could fit back into? Actually be able to breathe in what I'm wearing instead of feeling strangled and suffocated at my desk at work all day, every day??? I had actually lost a couple of fat rolls and now the damn things are back in full glory. What's amazing to me is that I'm so much more aware of them now, at my current weight, than I ever was at 340 lbs. Especially since they started to go away, and then I gained 25-30 lbs back. I am SO aware. And so miserable. Just so miserable.
I'd like to say that I'm going to spend this upcoming weekend getting my head back where it needs to be. Food bought, planned and prepped for the next week. But that might not be what happens. I cave so easily around Dwayne because I just don't want the argument or the struggle or the disagreeing. I know what he's thinking....a weekend away from home filled with fast food and drinking at the casino. Woo Hoo!! Yeah.....yippie. lol Don't get me wrong...I'm happy to get a weekend away from the normal grind...and a drink once in a while is nice, too, since I don't drink on any kind of regular basis. A hotel room with the Nantahala River running behind it....nice scenery on the mountains of North Carolina....I really wish we didn't even have to eat. lol Then I'd have nothing to worry about or stress over. But we do. And I don't know how it will go. This being around Dwayne all the time is really getting to be a major struggle for me foodwise. I love him to pieces...I absolutely adore him in many ways. But it is really very hard when it comes to food choices and exercise. I asked him to go to the gym with me after I got my membership last week. He said no. He's not interested. I explained his food preferences a couple of posts back. They suck, lol.
Anyhoo....just venting and trying to summon the strength to deal with Dwayne and still do what I know is right for me. Just doesn't seem fair that my daily choices have to be a constant struggle. :(
4 months ago