A food addict's travels on the road to recovery.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

"No" Is The Hardest Word To Say

Struggling this week.  Big time.  Failing in a major way.  And for no good reason other than I'm just not saying "no" when I need to.  And it seems so incredibly hard.  Some weeks are a breeze, other weeks, not so much.  I need to get in "the zone" and right now it feels like it's miles and miles away.  I had a conversation with myself today, after not posting this morning due to this crappy week.  Sometimes you just have to stop...in all of your busyness...and just ask yourself...what's the problem?  Why are you struggling?  Why is this so hard?  Why can't your lips seem to form the word "no" when needed? 

I made my mental list, like I've done many times in the past, and it's a long one.  A long list of excuses.  Nothing more.  Nothing worth sharing.  I have a feeling most of our lists look pretty much the same.  But after you've made the list, does it make a difference to identify the roadblocks, etc?  Not really.  Not for me it doesn't, because most of the things can't be changed.  Boyfriend that just isn't on board with healthy food OR exercise, yet is constantly around you (how am I EVER going to entertain the thought of marrying this man??)    Job stress/problems that you have zero control over (but you were unemployed for so long that you're not about to chance going out and looking for another job right now).  Too damn tired at night to cook a decent meal, probably mostly due to the aforementioned job stress (you want to just go home and go to bed w/o dinner so you don't eat something horrific...but Dwayne's coming over again!!!) 

I feel like I'm caught in a never-ending cycle of bad circumstances and even worse choices.  I hate when being honest and blogging about it makes you sound like you're purposely throwing yourself a pity party or a whine-fest.  Those aren't my intentions even thought it sounds that way.  But what I know is that if I don't get it out...write it down...then the clarity never comes, nor does the relief of getting it out of my brain. 

And I'm coming to the same conclusion that I've come to in the past w/ excuses or poor circumstances.  It just doesn't matter.  It simply does not matter.  This is called Life.  And it's tough.  And no matter how long your list of poor-me excuses are...life keeps moving, with or without you.  Every day that you don't make the good choices, is another day further away from your goals.  I've heard some say that you shouldn't put a number on your goals....not a specific date or event that you want to lose your weight by/for.  I agree with that to a certain extent.  On the other hand though, taking the attitude that you've got all the time in the world and you'll get there when you get there sounds a little dangerous to me.  Is it going to suddenly be Christmas and I'm fatter than I was last Christmas?  Am I going to suddenly be 40 and still not have lost this weight, even though I started this blog one month before my 37th birthday?  Am I going to be one of those people that have a heart attack or stroke in their late 30's because I just didn't do what needed to be done in time?  Are my list of excuses going to matter THEN?  Am I going to leave my family standing over my coffin, wishing I would have done what it took to stay in their lives?  Wishing that I thought they were important enough to me?  That I was important enough to me?

Along with the cycle of crappy circumstances that beget poor choices comes the never-ending guilt and disappointment in myself.  Boy am I sick of that.  I really am.  I was thinking back today to the challenge I did in April to get ready for my beach trip.  I was 241 lbs at the time and set a goal of 225 lbs.  I wanted to lose 16 lbs in one month.  I'll admit that I floundered that last week of the challenge, because I had my mind more on the upcoming beach trip than I did on planning and eating healthy meals.  So I only lost 1 lb that last week I think.  But I ended up with a total of 15 lbs lost for the month of April.  I happen to know that if I would have actually applied myself that last week, I could have most likely lost 20 lbs that month.  20 lbs in one single month.  If I gave half the effort, I could lose 10 lbs in one month. 

So....what??  Why??  What the hell is wrong with me???  lol 

I remember the determination I had during that challenge.  I took pics of everything I ate.  I exercised (walked at the park/went to the gym) 6 days a week.  Without fail.  I remember people asking me to go out to eat and I'd turn them down.  I remember them asking me to do something a certain time of day and I'd say nope...I've got to go get my exercise in.  I was 100% in the game.  I had my focus.  I could not be deterred.  And I reaped the rewards for that kind of commitment. 

Now I know you can't lose that kind of weight at that rate when you're closer to your goal.  But I'm still 80 lbs away from my goal!!  I have MORE than enough fat left on my body to drop that kind of weight.  Do you know how much happier I'd be (again) at 233 than I am at 253?  The clothes I could fit back into?  Actually be able to breathe in what I'm wearing instead of feeling strangled and suffocated at my desk at work all day, every day???  I had actually lost a couple of fat rolls and now the damn things are back in full glory.  What's amazing to me is that I'm so much more aware of them now, at my current weight, than I ever was at 340 lbs.  Especially since they started to go away, and then I gained 25-30 lbs back.  I am SO aware.  And so miserable.  Just so miserable. 

I'd like to say that I'm going to spend this upcoming weekend getting my head back where it needs to be.  Food bought, planned and prepped for the next week.  But that might not be what happens.  I cave so easily around Dwayne because I just don't want the argument or the struggle or the disagreeing.  I know what he's thinking....a weekend away from home filled with fast food and drinking at the casino.  Woo Hoo!!  Yeah.....yippie.  lol  Don't get me wrong...I'm happy to get a weekend away from the normal grind...and a drink once in a while is nice, too, since I don't drink on any kind of regular basis.  A hotel room with the Nantahala River running behind it....nice scenery on the mountains of North Carolina....I really wish we didn't even have to eat.  lol  Then I'd have nothing to worry about or stress over.  But we do.  And I don't know how it will go.  This being around Dwayne all the time is really getting to be a major struggle for me foodwise.   I love him to pieces...I absolutely adore him in many ways.  But it is really very hard when it comes to food choices and exercise.  I asked him to go to the gym with me after I got my membership last week.  He said no.  He's not interested.  I explained his food preferences a couple of posts back.  They suck,  lol.

Anyhoo....just venting and trying to summon the strength to deal with Dwayne and still do what I know is right for me.  Just doesn't seem fair that my daily choices have to be a constant struggle.  :(

17 comments:

  1. Wow!!! This is all I can say right here...but you are right in so many ways (as usual). I think that you have to make these decisions and choices when you are ready...and you very well know that until you are ready to step back up--it won't happen. Just know that I am here for you...any and every time...no matter where we are in this seemingly vicious cycle...:)

    I KNOW that you can do it--you have done it beautifully before--and with Dwayne in the picture then, too! Maybe the circumstances have changed a little bit--but the person that you are is still the same...YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

    I think that you should go on your vacation and enjoy it (even if you have to view it as a last hoorah). I think that should you decide to talk to Dwayne about the matters at hand, I know that he will be receptive--just maybe not this weekend.

    If/when you need someone to talk to or talk you off of a ledge, I am always here for you...just give me a shout out!!!!

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  2. You're never going to be in a perfect situation that'll make these choices easy; none of us ever are (I'm got the damn fair coming to town this week.... mmmmmmm... food on a stick...).

    The positive takeaway is how much more self-aware you are about your failings and bone-headed choices. The real trouble comes when you quit paying attention to all that and blissfully eat your way into a stupor. That doesn't sound to me where you are right now.

    I wish Dwayne would get his act together and help you get where you're trying to go, but with his help or with his hindrance, you've still got work to do, my friend.

    So let's get back to work.

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  3. You know, Tammy, I could have written most of your post myself, many times over. Most of us have probably had similar experiences. I know you are frustrated with yourself, but don't be. If this weight-loss journey were easy, the diet business wouldn't be a multi-billion dollar industry. I think it is actually good that you have "had it" with the status quo. It is my belief that people succeed when they find that little extra something that adds to their determination, and which may have been lacking in previous diet attempts. Perhaps, for you, it is that frustration at watching the rolls return (WOW ... do I know EXACTLY what you mean!!). The important thing is to not give up, and continually seek out motvations to help you along. Dwayne may not be the most supportive in your efforts, but that shouldn't stop you. YOU CAN DO THIS. Even with our setbacks, you are 25 lbs lighter than a year ago, and are probably vastly improved cardiovascularly. Build on that. Enjoy your vacation and come back refreshed and recharged! We're all in this boat together. I may DREAM to be where you started, but we're on the exact same journey - all of us. If Dwayne doesn't get you on this subject, the rest of us do. Be strong!

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  4. Just wanted to send you some ((Hugs)) im sorry your having a hard time right now. Hope you feel better soon.

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  5. So, I think you really need to explain to Dwayne the problems you're having lately with staying on plan the way you want to be, and how he's kind of being a big hindrance. Tell him that you're still committed to losing this weight, but it hasn't been happening lately and it's making you feel like crap. And let him know that he doesn't need to exercise with you or anything, but that it would be really helpful if he could play a more active role in helping you make good food choices. I remember you saying you don't like to "bother" him by having him pick up something healthy for you. Let him know that if he could just do that, without you having to ask, that it would be so great. Then you wouldn't dread him coming over when you haven't prepared dinner 'cause he'd have something healthy for you to eat. Let him know that this weekend you *don't* want to be eating a bunch of fast food and you don't want to be pressured to drink very much. It may be how he has fun, but you end up feeling like crap later for doing it.

    Generally, if your partner is a good partner, they want to support your goals and aspirations in any way they can, even if they don't have the same ones. So maybe if you just communicate with him a little bit more about things he can do to not make it that much harder for you, then it'll get better. I hope so, at least.

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  6. I know how hard it is to eat healthy when you have a big strong man around that wants fried and greasy fast food or meat and potatoes and then a nice unhealthy fattening dessert to finish it all off. It's a constant battle between trying to please everyone else and doing what is right for you. I know you love Dwayne and it's easier to give in than to fight for what is good for you but maybe you need to tell him how important it is and that you really need him to support your effort. If he isn't able to do that then you have to just do it for yourself. Being selfish isn't always a bad thing. Hang in there and do the best you can one day at a time.

    Thanks for coming to my little pity party. I'm going to take your advice and take some progress photos. I actually did post some photos back in June of '09 (http://finallyfiguringitout.blogspot.com/2009/06/before-missouri-60-photos.html) I think I was at least 10 pounds heavier in those photos than I was at my weigh in at 226 in Jan. '08 (http://finallyfiguringitout.blogspot.com/2008/01/weighing-in-finally.html) and my all time high of 242 in Nov. '09.

    Let's try not to beat ourselves up about our past mistakes and gains and just concentrate on moving forward and downward. Keep the faith that we'll get there eventually as long as we refuse to give up the fight. Rock on!

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  7. I did this...and added 40lb back to my body and was also very aware of it....

    It is about the everyday...alone or not going to get what you need to done and eating what you should.

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  8. I like Jack's comment. You may never be in a "perfect" situation to lose weight. So, you have to take your current situation and deal with it. When Dwayne orders fast food, there must be a healthier choice for you. Bring a cooler of fruits and veggies for snacking - whether he complains or not. Just do it. You're in charge of what you put in your mouth. I wish it wasn't so hard too!

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  9. Tammy, you wrote - "I feel like I'm caught in a never-ending cycle of bad circumstances and even worse choices. I hate when being honest and blogging about it makes you sound like you're purposely throwing yourself a pity party or a whine-fest."

    Oh welcome to my world!:)
    I try to blog honestly too and just wish there were times when I could be the 'perfect' dieter - the one who has it sussed and isn't wavering. My take on this is...you can't make Dwayne the problem. I bet that what Dwayne is eating we could all relish too? That's the trouble with trying to lose weight. Those greasy, high calorie, sugar-laden foods just don't disappear! In the end it's our resolve and our choices (the ability to say 'no')which see us lose weight. I don't say 'no' often enough either, but I AM determined to lose weight! I am having to do it slowly, and it can be frustrating but I suspect you too are heading in the right direction. Hey and kudos to you for being honest. It does seem like those who 'fail' (or give in to food temptations)are hopeless causes, but try to make sensible choices more often than you make ones you know you'll regret. That's the only way I can keep going. Best wishes x

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  10. I know it's tough, I have the same problem .... people I love wanting to party with food and drinks. (and they don't have weight problems, I do) I SO want to go eat everything with them. I can't do it - not only will I not lose, I will gain. ugh.

    Be prepared, look at all the fast food menu's online and decide what you can order and stay within your calorie limit. For example at Wendy's, I get a side salad, no dressing, no croutons (25 calories) and a small chili (220 calories). I pour the chili over the salad for my own right sized meal.... 250 calories! Yeah I'd rather get the double cheeseburger and fries but after I gobble those calories I have forgotten all about it, in just 10 minutes.

    I LEAVE some room in the calorie budget for adult drinks .... and I make a point of using no calorie mixers.

    With any luck and a little planning maybe you can get thru this weekend with little to no damage. Just be sure to have fun and don't stress out about what you eat or don't eat.

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  11. Wow, how did you get into my head? The guy on the corner told me this tin foil hat would keep the mind rays out. LOL

    I have been in your current situation soooo many times before. Heck, I just finished up my most recent downswing less than a week ago. I was eating from stress and hurt and all of the other nasty emotional reasons I overeat, hating myself with every bite. Then I realized that if I didn't do something... anything... to change my choices that I wouldn't make my yearly goal (lose 32lbs in 12 months). That felt pathetic! So, I made one choice (drink 64oz of water) and stuck with it for a couple of days. That one change seemed to help me re-gain some footing and I made a 2nd healthy choice (writing down what I ate). Each choice I followed through on for one day made me feel more positive, more in control and helped the next choice become easier.

    You sound overwhelmed, trying to deal with everything at once. Unfortunately, that never really works. Maybe try choosing one or two healthier alternatives to what's around you (water instead of soda or alcohol; grilled items over fried). Just pick one or two things and let the rest go for now. You'll get to it, but for now you're focusing on a few small changes. The rest will come together in time. :)

    You've come this far. I believe you'll have lots of success in the future. Don't let this deter you or make you feel like a failure. By not giving up (and since you're blogging about it, I don't think you've given up) you're not failing. Just going through a rough patch. Hey, if this was easy, we'd all be blogging about how thin we are. :)

    Hang in there! ~Heather

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  12. I think we all have up weeks and down weeks physidally but also up weeks and down weeks mentally that aren't always the same. It's an awful time trying to find the right balance and finding what is sustainable (for me, saying no to friends eating out turned out to be not at all sustainable friendship wise). I sympathize about Dwayne, my husband eats huge quantities of awful food in front of me, and to top it all off he is skinny, skinny skinny. So frustrating.

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  13. Tammy..I have found that it helps to stop looking at the big picture and revert to taking baby steps at times like these. You can handle one hour, one choice, one meal..Do not look at the whole journey or your whole future with Dwayne..it is too much sometimes. And remember, you can't change him, you can only change yourself and hope that his PERSPECTIVE changes because really, that's what you want isn't it? He is already a good and kind person but he is never gonna go for this healthy food thing if it is rammed down his throat. I know something about this because my BF of many years is a chef..and dear God could there be anything worse? No..no...unless maybe he was a pastry chef! I have lost 79 lbs during the course of our relationship just by saying I will have this instead of that or by bringing my food when we are together on the weekends..When we go out I make it look like I am eating everything in the world like I used to but if you look closely I am having very small portions of things I truly love. I deprive myself of nothing because I believe it is the only way we can ever do this..

    Jack is right..it is never perfect and it IS work but it only feels impossible to me when deep down I am having thoughts about wanting to give up and throw the towel in. THEN even drinking water is too hard for me! If that is what you're thinking let me help...nooooo...you don't want to do that. It is so not fun. Been there, done that, brought the tee shirt home. So. Go drink a glass of water, count that as your first good choice and build on that. Oh, and have a great weekend! You CAN have a great weekend and a successful weekend at the same time. I promise.

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  14. Hey Tammy,

    Don't be so hard on yourself. You have to many concerns that are turning into burdens. You have done so well and been so inspiring to so many of us. Do whatever you have to do to make things better. I will be wishing you the best of luck!

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  15. I like Jack's comment too. I'm sorry Dewayne isn't any help to you (my husband isn't either at times), but sometimes you just have to put your foot down (or somewhere it will hurt him *wink*).

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  16. Tammy, just try to enjoy your weekend. Maybe take your own dressing and order the salads. Order the grilled chicken and take the bread off. Take you some cut up raw veggies and fruit. Show Dewayne that you can make the good choices, no matter what he eats. And definitely have a few drinks. You can navigate around the minefield, but take it one meal at a time. Just stay focused.

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  17. Sometimes I do not think my hubby gets it, he can eat whatever he wants and I have to watch the calories and exercise every day. It can be frustrating!! Hope you can stop by my blog, I will be following yours.

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