Can we talk for just a few minutes about how crazy I am? I mean really. I've got to get it out.
I've mentioned before that I'm crazy...maybe after reading this post, you'll actually believe me. My brain is warped as are my emotions. I have unrealistic fears. I have a bingeing tendency every single day that I'm still fighting, but the crazy thing is, what everyone else calls bingeing, I call normal eating for me. It's really sick.
I read one of Lyn's posts a while back at Escape from Obesity that's an exact description of how I used to eat not very long ago. Only 4 short months ago. To read it all written out is absolutely horrifying. It's insane how much I used to eat and could hold...and to tell you the truth, can still hold. I haven't tried, but I know I could. I'd post the link for you just for some shock value, but I can't remember the title of the post and it would take me too long to dig through her archives to find it.
The jist of it is eating every 2-3 hours, full meals. Full fattening meals. Having a sandwich, fries and a drink for a "snack" til you can get home and make dinner a couple of hours later. And having these full meals about 5-6 times a day. More food than any human being should be able to hold. That was Lyn, and that was me. The other thing we have in common is that we never got sick from all that food. That's why I say it was my "normal". Now I have eaten to the point of sickness before, but not in my normal every day eating. On a normal day I was eating probably 4,000 calories a day...maybe 5,000. A day. Every day. And never feeling sick. Always full, and as terrible as this sounds, happy and satisfied. I use those words because that's how food makes me feel. Happy. Satisfied. Content.
Sure, there's regret later...but not immediately after the sin has been committed like it is for some people. Sometimes just the guilt of what they're about to eat stops them from eating it. I'm getting a little better at this now, but not so long ago guilt would have never stopped me from eating something. And there was no immediate regret or guilt soon after. The regret came when someone made fun of me...snickered and muttered a "fat girl" comment at me as they walked past...a kid in a store asking if I was pregnant (for the 150th time)....having to buy clothes in a "fat girl" store, and put those clothes on the counter for the cashier to ring up with a size 26/28 tag on them.....being told by a doctor that the only exercise I needed was putting my fork down and pushing myself away from the table....sitting down in a roller coaster seat and not being able to latch the bar locked, and having to get up and "walk the plank" in front of 30 other people sitting on the ride, waiting on me to waddle off so they could have their fun. That's when the regret set in.
Even though it was later, you would still think that all of those stinging, searing things would make me want to be better. Would make it easier to get this job done.....to change my habits forever. To find something I can live with and stick with it....and gladly...happy that I'm going to be healthier, stronger, thinner, prettier, more accepted by society, etc. But it doesn't. I don't know why it doesn't. And it makes me cry. Almost every day.
Sometimes I really wonder if there's something wrong with my brain that I should be diagnosed with other than depression. I have some really happy, great days...like yesterday...where everything is on track and I'm feeling good and I'm feeling positive and I can't wait to see what the scale says. Then the very next day, it is such a struggle. I'm still on track, I haven't veered, but it's unbelievable to me how much I want to. I've thought about bad foods all day long today. Even with all of my healthy stuff planned out...I still wanted crap. And lots of it. I don't mean a bite or two....I mean after all 1500 calories have been consumed, I sit here for hours and wish I had a 12" Italian sub, or a triple Whopper, or an 8 pc box of fried chicken.
It makes me hate myself, hate my brain, hate my emotions because of all the crying because I "can't" have these things. And it makes me sick that I even want them in the first place....especially after 4 months of changing my habits. It's not like I just started a week ago....I'm a few months into it now. Should I still be having such issues with the eating??? The way my emotions change from day to day make me wonder what's really wrong with my brain. Am I manic depressive? Am I bi-polar? Do I have a split personality? I don't know what all the symptoms are to these things, so I really don't know if I fit any of them. But I do know something's wrong.
Here's further proof that I'm a nut job. Sometimes I wonder if I even WANT to lose the weight. Do I want to spend so many days in a week for the REST OF MY LIFE feeling so restricted? If I'm always going to want to eat 4,000 calories a day, then is the day to day struggle with staying within 1500 worth it? Well every day isn't a struggle, but at least 3-4 out of 7 are. It's very stressful. On these nights I end up with a headache from having to concentrate on not mindlessly sticking something in my mouth after my calories have been consumed and from being so aggravated that I have these thoughts/desires in the first place. I read a ton of blogs....it's not this hard for everyone...it's just not. Why does it have to be this hard for me? Why am I so different? Why am I so friggin' warped?
By the way, after saying that, I DO want to lose the weight. I just wish it was a tad bit easier for me....for my brain. I really hate the struggle. It wears a girl out.
Here's another irrational fear....at least I know it's irrational...maybe there's hope for me yet! I'm scared of how I'm going to feel once I reach my goal. Diane from Fit to the Finish wrote a post yesterday about putting up a pic of yourself when you used to be thin to use as your inspiration. This post didn't have the correct affect on me...instead of feeling inspired, I felt sad. Sad because I don't have any thin pics to hang up of myself. I emailed her last night and we talked for a little while and I just thank God for her every day. She's such a fantastic woman...so caring, so understanding, so inspirational. She really "gets" where I'm coming from with these fears, and she's always willing to listen. Love you Diane.
The last time I was a "normal" weight was probably my early teens. I know for a fact I was a lard a$$ by the age of 14-15 because a couple of teenage guys that walked by me while I was laying out on the beach called me Shamu. So to me, I've always been fat. It's like it's all I know how to do. I only know how to act and function like a fat person. Making sure I buy shirts long enough to cover my stomach that hangs down so low.....always pulling and tugging at them....doing my best to always suggest a table in a restaurant instead of having to see whether or not I could fit in a booth....cracking jokes and making people laugh so maybe they'd notice my personality more than my weight...the list goes on and on.
But there's something that bothers me more about finally getting to a "normal" weight. It's how people are going to react to me, and especially people that I already know or have been acquainted with. Being fat causes you to be ignored, looked over, snickered at, and unloved. I feel like when those people treat me differently once I'm an acceptable size, it's going to have a bad affect on me. I mentioned this to Diane in an email last night. I feel like I'm going to start crying immediately and scream at them, "If you didnt' love me for me, or talk to me when I was overweight, then damn sure don't start now!!!" I know this is going to happen with one particular person that I truly love, and I can't tell you how much I'm already dreading it.
Sean at The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser has a list of things he's always dreamed of doing and he's working his way through that list now that he's lost enough weight to really enjoy those things. This has had me thinking, too. I don't have a list, and I don't even know how to start one. This goes back to always being fat. I guess I didn't dream about things that I knew I could never do? How sad is that? To not have a list, and can't even think of how to start one?
I really want to hope that there's nothing seriously wrong with me that I need a diagnosis for. But I just can't explain the continuous back and forth with my feelings on the weight loss. One day's fine, even great...the next day, such a tremendous struggle to stay on track. And these fears I have of being at a normal weight...how much more irrational, terrified and negative can you get?? I don't want to be this way, think this way or feel this way. But this is my reality right now. All I can hope for at the moment is that tomorrow is a better "thinking" day. Happier, more positive and motivated thoughts. I'm so close to weigh-in on Friday morning....2 days to go. I really don't want to screw it up now. I ate 1500 calories today (dreamed of 3,000) and I walked/jogged 4 miles at the park. I have a lab appt in the morning to have my blood drawn and see if my health has improved any since I've dropped some weight. I'll have the results in a day or two. Hope everyone is having a much easier time than me. And thanks to all of you who comment here....you know it means the world to me. 'Nite all.
Quote For the Day:
"The ultimate measure of a person is not where they stand in times of comfort and convenience, but where they stand in times of challenge and controversy." -Martin Luther King, Jr.
4 months ago