I didn't have time to do this post from home this morning...I'm at work now, so I didn't have time to download the badge for our challenge or my scale pic. The scale said 253 lbs this morning, so I'm down 3 lbs from the weekend, but still up 5 lbs from last Friday's weigh-in.
I can't wait to hear how the rest of you did!! Make sure you all check in with me today and leave me your final #'s, so I can reveal the winner tomorrow morning and have the $50 gift certificate sent to you!
Some of you inquired about Dwayne in your comments to my last post, wondering why he isn't more supportive. This is kind of hard to explain. He's actually VERY supportive of my eating lifestyle. As I stated in my last post, he would have been more than happy to go out and get me whatever I wanted over the weekend. The problem was/is with me in most cases. In situations where I can't do for myself, I don't like to be a burden anymore than is necessary, so I cave and tell him to just pick up whatever...many times that means something for us to share, and Dwayne is not on the healthy eating path.
I've been with Dwayne for 6 years. He has weighed the exact same thing since I met him....230 lbs and he's 6 ft. tall. He's got a little belly on him, but really has no interest in losing any weight. He tells me his doctor tells him he needs to lose 50 lbs and get down to 180. He says he knows he needs to...but does nothing to work on it. He hates vegetables. Hates them. I've tried many times to get him to eat them many different ways but to no avail. He just refuses. He will eat fruit...a lot of different kinds, so that's a plus. Many times we have fresh fruit together as a snack or a dessert. I got him to eat a chicken burger once, but he wasn't too impressed and hasn't eaten another one since, so now when I make burgers with him, I just use the leanest ground beef possible, and he's fine with that.
He does like whole wheat bread and buns....we hardly ever eat white bread anymore, unless it's a planned splurge. He used to drink Diet Coke only....now he drinks mostly water, with a Coke or ginger ale on the weekends. Before I moved to the apt, when I lived much further away from him and only saw him from Fri night to Sat night, about a 24 hour time period....we would do a lot of grilling. That was working out great for my eating plan, and it was something he really enjoyed, too. Now that I'm in the apartment, I see him 5-6 days a week, and we're not allowed to grill. It's against the fire code. Things have gotten a lot tougher to work around with my eating plan, and his non-existent eating plan. Another thing that is difficult is he's on a schedule of eating 2x a day. He eats around 10am....usually 2 chicken biscuits from Chic-Fil-A that he takes to work with him....and again at 6pm when he gets home from work. He likes granola bars, so sometimes he'll have one of those as a snack at work. And that's it.
As you all know, I'm accustomed to eating 5-6x a day. It keeps me from getting too hungry...and I think it revs the metabolism, and more of the food is burned as fuel and not stored. When I only eat 2x a day, as I did this past weekend, I feel like I'm starving by the time we eat...I eat way more volume than I need, and it ends up sitting in my stomach like a rock and I feel gross and lethargic. That kind of eating schedule just annoys the hell out of me.
The grilling thing was really working well for us...I felt like I had hit the jackpot by finding a way we could both eat and enjoy it. He'd stand out at the grill for an extra 30-45 mins, grilling up some extra chicken, veggies, etc just for me, so I could have it to eat for the next couple of days. He knew it was a healthy option for me, and he liked "helping out" in that way. But right now we don't have that option and it's really put a kink in things.
Dwayne has a weird texture issue when it comes to food. The reason he doesn't like most veggies has more to do with texture than it does taste. He says cucumbers don't really have much taste, but he hates the seeds. I baked a pork tenderloin one night, and he wouldn't eat because he said the texture of the baked meat was "weird". I'm one of those old-fashioned girls who likes to cook for her guy, and likes to enjoy my meals with him. I don't like us to each do our own thing. If I cook something he doesn't like, I feel guilty if he doesn't like it and his dinner ends up being a bag of potato chips. He's always appreciative, always thanks me 2 or 3 times each time I cook, and never, ever complains about any of my food. That makes me want to make him happy even more.
So we just clash when it comes to our eating and I haven't yet figured out what to do about it. I'm also not used to seeing him as often as I do now, so it comes into play even more now that it ever has. It's something I'm constantly trying to work around and will keep at it until I find a happy medium. :)
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Weekend From Hell
It's been a bad one. I'm really, really trying to turn my attitude around so I can start off on a positive, happy note tomorrow morning at work. For right now, my attitude and mood are in the toilet. Let's go back to Friday afternoon, shall we?
I slipped and fell on a wet floor that had just been mopped at Wal-mart (yes, it was clearly marked, and I walked across it anyway...brilliant!!!). Anyhoo...I sprained my left ankle. This has not made for a happy weekend. First of all, I don't like being incapacitated one little bit. I get crabby and bitchy, and if you're in my path, you're liable to get your head bitten off. My mom can attest to this from times past...I don't make a very good patient. Enter Dwayne. Bless his heart. He was trying to take care of me and I was mean to him...which I apologized for a little while later. I was irritated and bawling over the fact that I JUST joined a gym again LAST WEEK and now this. Now this. I swear I have the worst luck of any person I know. Sometimes it feels like 2 steps forward, 3 steps back, and that sh*t gets old.
So....I was supposed to go to the gym with Kim on Sunday....I had to cancel. I had to stay in the house all weekend and Dwayne kept my foot iced and wrapped in an Ace bandage....he brought me drinks, helped me to the bed, brought me food, etc. He was very, very sweet and took excellent care of me. Did I mention he brought me food? lol Things were bad. He would have been willing to bring me anything I wanted, but I don't like being a burden, I had already bit his head off once, and so I just let the whole weekend go. I ate on his schedule, instead of mine, which means we ate 2 big meals a day, instead of the 5-6 small meals I'm accustomed to eating. I didn't like this one little bit, but I let it happen. It was my choice. I hobbled over to the scale on Saturday morning. I was 248 last Friday....I was 256 Saturday morning. An 8 lb. gain overnight. How???? It's my same old sodium issue. I hobbled back over to the scale this morning (Sunday)..and again....256 lbs. I didn't drink near enough water this weekend to flush it, so I'm sure I'll see the same thing on Tuesday morning, or close to it, which is another thing that pisses me off.....I very well may show a GAIN for the month on the final weigh-in for my challenge. It's just maddening. It makes me want to pull all my hair out and run away screaming. This is what I get for having to eat out all weekend....well, I didn't go out...he brought it in....or ordered it in....but you get what I'm saying.
Here's another thing. We're going to Cherokee, N.C. this coming Labor Day weekend. He already told me last week not to even plan on grilling out like the last time we went. He told me he doesn't want to fool with bringing a cooler....or any snacks (I usually bring my own snacks like fruit, etc so I can keep track of the calories better)....he said we're just going to go and "enjoy ourselves" and eat on the fly.....eat whatever's around....eat everything "out"....fast food and regular restaurants. (EYEROLL). Why do I even try? Seriously. Why do I keep trying? There are more roadblocks and curve balls that I can keep up with.
I know that I just have a pissy attitude right now because I've been down for the count all weekend. And I know the scale is up 8 lbs overnight. I know I'll feel better tomorrow after a night's sleep. I haven't even packed a healthy lunch and snacks for tmrw's workday yet, because I know one day won't make a difference on the scale for Tuesday morning's weigh-in. At the same time...I know that's the wrong attitude to take. I know it is. I need to turn my frown upside down, lol. What a dorky saying...but true. So............picking myself up by the boot straps AGAIN...hobbling to the kitchen....gonna' pack a healthy lunch and get this show back on the road. I might even pretend to care, lol. 'Nite everyone. :)
I slipped and fell on a wet floor that had just been mopped at Wal-mart (yes, it was clearly marked, and I walked across it anyway...brilliant!!!). Anyhoo...I sprained my left ankle. This has not made for a happy weekend. First of all, I don't like being incapacitated one little bit. I get crabby and bitchy, and if you're in my path, you're liable to get your head bitten off. My mom can attest to this from times past...I don't make a very good patient. Enter Dwayne. Bless his heart. He was trying to take care of me and I was mean to him...which I apologized for a little while later. I was irritated and bawling over the fact that I JUST joined a gym again LAST WEEK and now this. Now this. I swear I have the worst luck of any person I know. Sometimes it feels like 2 steps forward, 3 steps back, and that sh*t gets old.
So....I was supposed to go to the gym with Kim on Sunday....I had to cancel. I had to stay in the house all weekend and Dwayne kept my foot iced and wrapped in an Ace bandage....he brought me drinks, helped me to the bed, brought me food, etc. He was very, very sweet and took excellent care of me. Did I mention he brought me food? lol Things were bad. He would have been willing to bring me anything I wanted, but I don't like being a burden, I had already bit his head off once, and so I just let the whole weekend go. I ate on his schedule, instead of mine, which means we ate 2 big meals a day, instead of the 5-6 small meals I'm accustomed to eating. I didn't like this one little bit, but I let it happen. It was my choice. I hobbled over to the scale on Saturday morning. I was 248 last Friday....I was 256 Saturday morning. An 8 lb. gain overnight. How???? It's my same old sodium issue. I hobbled back over to the scale this morning (Sunday)..and again....256 lbs. I didn't drink near enough water this weekend to flush it, so I'm sure I'll see the same thing on Tuesday morning, or close to it, which is another thing that pisses me off.....I very well may show a GAIN for the month on the final weigh-in for my challenge. It's just maddening. It makes me want to pull all my hair out and run away screaming. This is what I get for having to eat out all weekend....well, I didn't go out...he brought it in....or ordered it in....but you get what I'm saying.
Here's another thing. We're going to Cherokee, N.C. this coming Labor Day weekend. He already told me last week not to even plan on grilling out like the last time we went. He told me he doesn't want to fool with bringing a cooler....or any snacks (I usually bring my own snacks like fruit, etc so I can keep track of the calories better)....he said we're just going to go and "enjoy ourselves" and eat on the fly.....eat whatever's around....eat everything "out"....fast food and regular restaurants. (EYEROLL). Why do I even try? Seriously. Why do I keep trying? There are more roadblocks and curve balls that I can keep up with.
I know that I just have a pissy attitude right now because I've been down for the count all weekend. And I know the scale is up 8 lbs overnight. I know I'll feel better tomorrow after a night's sleep. I haven't even packed a healthy lunch and snacks for tmrw's workday yet, because I know one day won't make a difference on the scale for Tuesday morning's weigh-in. At the same time...I know that's the wrong attitude to take. I know it is. I need to turn my frown upside down, lol. What a dorky saying...but true. So............picking myself up by the boot straps AGAIN...hobbling to the kitchen....gonna' pack a healthy lunch and get this show back on the road. I might even pretend to care, lol. 'Nite everyone. :)
Friday, August 27, 2010
Week #4 Challenge Weigh-In
Last week I weighed 252.2. This week I weigh 248.4 for a loss of 3.8 lbs. Hooray for progress!!
This is NOT our final weigh-in!! This challenge runs for a full month, so our final weigh-in will be next Tuesday, Aug. 31st.
Leave me a comment today letting me know how you did this week!! And Happy Friday to everyone!! :)
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Meet Miss Piggy
Work absolutely, completely, totally sucked today. It's been the worst day I've had since I started there over 2 months ago. I won't go into details.....I didn't do anything wrong or make any mistakes....but the dynamics are changing, problems are occuring that are affecting me, and I'm just not sure how things will all pan out. I took 2 Excedrin Migraine by mid-day and that didn't even graze the pain in my throbbing head.
Did I mention that someone brought a dozen donuts in this morning from Dunkin' Donuts????????????? Did I mention that when I get overly stressed I head straight for the food. It's automatic....like a knee jerk reaction. Well somehow....through God's good grace....I resisted those donuts. There were still 6 in the box when I left at 5pm, so I was aware of their presence for 9 hours today. Being stressed because things are going to sh*t at work is bad enough....having to fight my insane eating addiction on top of a REALLY bad day is just not fair, lol. I wanted those donuts...I wanted a Coke...I wanted a Snickers bar....I wanted to throw my healthy lunch in the trash and go to the Philly Connection and get a philly cheesesteak instead (Shame on you Leslie for mentioning those to me the other day, lmao). Things were just bad all the way around today.
I had to remind myself over and over that today was not an exception to the rule...or a one time occurence. There will continuously be bad days, overly stressful situations, sadness, etc.....just like there will continuously be good days, contentment, and overflowing joy. It's the ebb and flow of life. I can't eat myself into oblivion every time I have an unusually bad day. I had to also remind myself that weigh day is only 2 days away. That dang weigh-in comes once a week, every week, whether I want it to or not. The only thing that will make me NOT DREAD IT, is to continuously strive, each and every day, to make the good choices.
I looked back at my week thus far....and I'm proud. I've dilligently counted my calories every day. I've drank (4) 32 oz glasses of water every day....and no other beverages with the exception of a couple of cups of coffee spread out over the week. I signed up at the gym online Monday, and today was set to be my first day there with my new friend, new workout partner, and new blogging buddy, Kim at All About the Bottom Line. I had several good days in a row filled with good choices...and I needed to let that propel me forward. This was more important than a stupid donut.
So I finally made it through the day....then made it through the 40 minute commute in Atlanta traffic to get to the gym from work. (It's about 20 mins from my apt to work.....and about 20 mins to get from my apt to the gym....going in the opposite direction from work. My apt is the midpoint between the two. I was finally starting to feel pretty proud of myself for choices I've made this week. I met up with Kim and we hit the treadmill. About a half a mile in, I decided I wanted to engage my arms...so I got off and grabbed (2) 5 lb. free weights to carry in each hand and hopped back on the treadmill. I carried them for about a mile before I was sure certain death was upon me, lol. I set them down and continued walking. I'm not sure of the total distance, but I think it was about 3 miles in all. Kim can really rock that treadmill....she was going way faster than me...and was also doing walking and jogging intervals. It's so inspiring to workout with someone who's better/faster than you and really likes to push themselves. It gives you something to shoot for. :)
So we hop off and now I'm feeling REALLY good about myself. Thinking back on how far I've come from my highest point of 340 lbs....and saying to myself, "Dang Tammy...you've lost 90 lbs so far....you rock girlfriend." lol So I've made good eating choices this week...got in all my water...FINALLY got started back in the gym (we're meeting there again tmrw)....we break out our cameras and take pics of ourselves, which I can't really see the sweat....so that sucks....but trust me....we were soaked.....
Did I mention that someone brought a dozen donuts in this morning from Dunkin' Donuts????????????? Did I mention that when I get overly stressed I head straight for the food. It's automatic....like a knee jerk reaction. Well somehow....through God's good grace....I resisted those donuts. There were still 6 in the box when I left at 5pm, so I was aware of their presence for 9 hours today. Being stressed because things are going to sh*t at work is bad enough....having to fight my insane eating addiction on top of a REALLY bad day is just not fair, lol. I wanted those donuts...I wanted a Coke...I wanted a Snickers bar....I wanted to throw my healthy lunch in the trash and go to the Philly Connection and get a philly cheesesteak instead (Shame on you Leslie for mentioning those to me the other day, lmao). Things were just bad all the way around today.
I had to remind myself over and over that today was not an exception to the rule...or a one time occurence. There will continuously be bad days, overly stressful situations, sadness, etc.....just like there will continuously be good days, contentment, and overflowing joy. It's the ebb and flow of life. I can't eat myself into oblivion every time I have an unusually bad day. I had to also remind myself that weigh day is only 2 days away. That dang weigh-in comes once a week, every week, whether I want it to or not. The only thing that will make me NOT DREAD IT, is to continuously strive, each and every day, to make the good choices.
I looked back at my week thus far....and I'm proud. I've dilligently counted my calories every day. I've drank (4) 32 oz glasses of water every day....and no other beverages with the exception of a couple of cups of coffee spread out over the week. I signed up at the gym online Monday, and today was set to be my first day there with my new friend, new workout partner, and new blogging buddy, Kim at All About the Bottom Line. I had several good days in a row filled with good choices...and I needed to let that propel me forward. This was more important than a stupid donut.
So I finally made it through the day....then made it through the 40 minute commute in Atlanta traffic to get to the gym from work. (It's about 20 mins from my apt to work.....and about 20 mins to get from my apt to the gym....going in the opposite direction from work. My apt is the midpoint between the two. I was finally starting to feel pretty proud of myself for choices I've made this week. I met up with Kim and we hit the treadmill. About a half a mile in, I decided I wanted to engage my arms...so I got off and grabbed (2) 5 lb. free weights to carry in each hand and hopped back on the treadmill. I carried them for about a mile before I was sure certain death was upon me, lol. I set them down and continued walking. I'm not sure of the total distance, but I think it was about 3 miles in all. Kim can really rock that treadmill....she was going way faster than me...and was also doing walking and jogging intervals. It's so inspiring to workout with someone who's better/faster than you and really likes to push themselves. It gives you something to shoot for. :)
So we hop off and now I'm feeling REALLY good about myself. Thinking back on how far I've come from my highest point of 340 lbs....and saying to myself, "Dang Tammy...you've lost 90 lbs so far....you rock girlfriend." lol So I've made good eating choices this week...got in all my water...FINALLY got started back in the gym (we're meeting there again tmrw)....we break out our cameras and take pics of ourselves, which I can't really see the sweat....so that sucks....but trust me....we were soaked.....
How many chins do I have anyway??? I think I counted 3, lol.
So it's been a long day....my arm muscles are shaking from carrying the weights for a mile...my legs are tired from not doing any serious walking in about 3 months....who the heck wants to go home and cook dinner?? Not me!! I decided to stop at the Publix on the way home and get a sub out of the deli. I could have very easily ran into the Italian restaurant in the SAME PARKING LOT as the gym...and gotten one of their fantastic grinders (subs)....but I took the high road. I went to Publix...got my 6" on wheat turkey w/ no cheese, lite mayo, mustard, lettuce, onions and pickles. Proud of that choice. Then I grabbed a couple of other things....eggs, apples, watermelon, baby carrots, a pre-made salad out of the deli for lunch tmrw....and I made my way to the checkout line.
I was only standing there a minute or so when I hear someone get in line behind me. I casually turned and glanced behind me...saw an older gentleman...probably in his upper 60's with 2 young girls that I assumed were his grandchildren....they were probably 4 and 5 years old. He looked right at me and I gave him a brief, friendly smile and turned back around. Then I hear him say, "Do you girls want to stand in line behind Miss Piggy? I don't want to stand in line behind Miss Piggy. Let's go on down here to another checkout line."
All that pride I was feeling...started to waiver. It didn't vanish...but it did make me think that I still have a really long way to go. Hearing something like this just a few years ago would have crumbled me to tears. Not today. Today I kind of laughed to myself and thought, "Well that's an effing PERFECT ending to completely EFFED UP day...ain't life rich?" Next came a twinge of anger....because I HAVE already lost 90 lbs...which should stand for something...but he had no idea...and I have a feeling if he DID know...he'd find me evern more horrendous that at one time I was that much fatter than I already am. And lastly....I felt sorry for those little girls. It's just a shame that they're being raised with someone in their life that's filling their little impressionable minds with such prejudice, disgust and nastiness. He's doing them a terrible injustice...and that's so much worse than what he did to me.
Good night friends. :)
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
What's Cookin'?
I stocked the house with plenty of healthy foods last weekend to avoid places like Red Lobster this week. If you read my last post, you know what I'm talking about. ;) Sunday night I made a stir fry with Italian chicken sausages and red/yellow/orange peppers and mushrooms. VERY low calorie. I also cooked up some chicken burgers and ate those on whole wheat sandwich thins. It was time to cook up a couple of more things tonight for the next couple of days...with the main goal to get in as many veggies as possible.
Publix had shrimp on sale last weekend for $4.99/lb, so I bought some, brought them home, and split them up into small portions and froze them. I grabbed one of the bags out of the freezer last night and threw it in the frig, so it'd be thawed by the time I got home tonight. I didn't really want to make another stir fry because I've had my fill of peppers this week....so feeling less than inspired, I made an on-the-fly version of a mini shrimp po boy....actually, I made 2 of them, to take to lunch tomorrow. I had about 4-5 oz of shrimp, which is about 120-150 calories. I sauteed them in a little olive oil and seasoned them with white pepper, creole seasoning, garlic powder, onion powder and a dash of Adobo. I spread less than a Tbsp of lite mayo and a little mustard on a whole wheat hot dog bun (120 cals) and voila! A scaled back version of a shrimp po boy....
Publix had shrimp on sale last weekend for $4.99/lb, so I bought some, brought them home, and split them up into small portions and froze them. I grabbed one of the bags out of the freezer last night and threw it in the frig, so it'd be thawed by the time I got home tonight. I didn't really want to make another stir fry because I've had my fill of peppers this week....so feeling less than inspired, I made an on-the-fly version of a mini shrimp po boy....actually, I made 2 of them, to take to lunch tomorrow. I had about 4-5 oz of shrimp, which is about 120-150 calories. I sauteed them in a little olive oil and seasoned them with white pepper, creole seasoning, garlic powder, onion powder and a dash of Adobo. I spread less than a Tbsp of lite mayo and a little mustard on a whole wheat hot dog bun (120 cals) and voila! A scaled back version of a shrimp po boy....
I plan on making these again soon, maybe this Saturday, because it's something that Dwayne would like. However, I'll probably make them bigger and on different bread with some Boar's Head remoulade sauce and shredded lettuce. Whenever I do it, I'll be sure to take some pics. :)
I also thawed some split chicken breasts last night that I got on sale a couple of weeks ago. I threw them in my roaster pan tonight with mostly the same spices I used on the shrimp. Then I threw in a bag of frozen broccoli, a bag of California mix veggies, some fresh mushrooms and a handful of small red potatoes. Nothing too exciting, but my goal was to eat as many veggies as possible...and if I cook them, I'll eat them.
About the crab alfredo I've been craving....I got a couple of really good recipes today from people telling me how to make a lite alfredo sauce. I'm definitely going to try it one of these days, but for my current craving...if it persists...then I'll probably get the half order from Red Lobster and work it into my calories. I'm just too lazy to drive to the grocery store after a long work day, buy the crab legs, steam them, and pry the meat out of them to make this dish during the week. The chicken and veggies I made tonight will last 2-3 days for lunch/dinners....so if I still want the crab alfredo by Friday, I might order it for lunch. I finally looked up the nutrition menu to see just how many calories it is. A full order is 1500+....the half order was 770 cals. I allow myself 1800 calories/day, so working it in is doable. And I appreciate all the tips today on how you handle your cravings. It's always good to hear what works for other people...so thank you. :)
One of these days I'm going to post about how my weekend eating and Dwayne are clashing in a serious way...but that's another post for another day. I've got it simmering on the back burner for now.. :)
How Do You Overcome A Craving?
I really want to know. I want you to tell me. What's your best advice on overcoming a craving? Do you cave in and just eat it? Do you hold strong and wait until the craving passes? What if that craving last up to 2 weeks? What if you're tired of resisting, finally break down, and instead of eating the one thing you're craving, you go on an all-out binge from the ridiculous stress that comes with avoiding that one item you're craving? What if you eat everything BUT the one thing you're craving, trying to avoid eating the said craving, and then end up eating it anyway...plus all the extra calories from eating the food you were eating to avoid the craving in the first place?
I know this probably sounds insane to a lot of people reading....especially those that don't have an eating problem. And YES, there are people out there that read weight loss blogs that don't have an eating/weight problem. Weird...I know...but it happens. :)
I'm a food addict. Addict is such a nasty little word. I cringe every time I say it, type it or even think it. Who wants to be known as a junkie? But I am one. It's a hard thing to face, and an even harder thing to recover from. From Day One of starting this blog, I chose the motto at the top of the page: A food addict's travels on the road to recovery. That was my attempt at finally facing my addiction to food, and finding a way to turn it around. Those first days/weeks of this blog were hard. Hard to write...hard things to admit. Depressing crap that I was SURE nobody would want to read. Now I look over at my sidebar and I see 280 followers. How did THAT happen???? I guess you people are sicker than I thought...LMAO. Totally kidding. What I REALLY see when I look over at that sidebar is people that are perhaps just like me. People that have the same struggles, fears, problems, issues, flaws....but also the same hope...the same dreams...the same courage, strength, determination, tenacity, desire to get better. To be better. To learn how to recover. Because you know....once we get to "goal"...whatever that # is for each of us....we're not finished. We're not done by a long shot.
I know a couple of people who have gotten to goal since I started blogging last June and I'm just going to be honest with you. They're having one hell of a time keeping it between the lines. They're struggling to maintain...and it's even moreso than they struggled to lose the weight. Isn't that a kicker? This is hard stuff. Because it's not just about dropping some pounds. It's about changing your lifestyle...how you eat, yes...but more importantly, how you think...how you react to food....how you deal with it. How you handle it. Learning how to treat it as fuel and how NOT to fantasize over it. Not yearn for it, like I do. This is what I did last night. I was laying in bed fantasizing about food like a junkie wanting their next fix. I hit the sack at 11:30p last night and I laid awake thinking about different things, but mostly food...until 1am this morning. Sick? Yes. Insane? Yes. Shameful? You bet. But it's honest. It's real. This is me...my life...my addiction.
Did I want to talk about this to you this morning? Nope. Did I NEED to talk to you about this? Yep. Why? Because as embarassing as it is to reveal these things about me....I also know that I can't be the only person in the world with these issues. Someone else has to understand the struggle...the addiciton...themselves, and thus, maybe they've discovered or stumbled upon some epiphanies, some solutions, or just some helpful tips along this road to recovery. And God knows I need all the help I can get.
It doesn't really matter what I was craving this one particular time, but I'll tell you anyway. Crab Alfredo. lol
Red Lobster has been running these effing CrabFest commercials for 2 weeks now, and I see them every evening on TV...on the weekends...the damn things are everywhere. Number one issue....seafood is my all-time favorite type of food. Number two issue....I pass a Red Lobster every day going to and from work...it's about 1 mile from where I work. Number three issue....the craving hit 2 weeks ago, and it seems the longer I try to avoid it, the stronger the craving gets. I keep thinking I'll just ride it out until CrabFest is over and they stop advertising it....I don't know. But seriously....laying in bed at night and can't sleep because you're thinking about food????? How sick is that??? I'm such an addict. I think, well maybe I should just eat it and move on. Then I think, isn't there like 3000 calories in fettucine alfredo???? It's one of those things that are just off the charts, kinda' like pecan pie. :) Maybe I should get it and only eat half. Can I be trusted to stop at half? I'm not so sure.
So I want some ideas. Whether it be this one dish...or something different I'm craving a month from now. How do you guys deal with it? If I didn't care about changing my eating behaviors, I wouldn't devote as much time to this blog to get better. To recover. So give me your ideas please...I want to hear them. Thanks. :)
I know this probably sounds insane to a lot of people reading....especially those that don't have an eating problem. And YES, there are people out there that read weight loss blogs that don't have an eating/weight problem. Weird...I know...but it happens. :)
I'm a food addict. Addict is such a nasty little word. I cringe every time I say it, type it or even think it. Who wants to be known as a junkie? But I am one. It's a hard thing to face, and an even harder thing to recover from. From Day One of starting this blog, I chose the motto at the top of the page: A food addict's travels on the road to recovery. That was my attempt at finally facing my addiction to food, and finding a way to turn it around. Those first days/weeks of this blog were hard. Hard to write...hard things to admit. Depressing crap that I was SURE nobody would want to read. Now I look over at my sidebar and I see 280 followers. How did THAT happen???? I guess you people are sicker than I thought...LMAO. Totally kidding. What I REALLY see when I look over at that sidebar is people that are perhaps just like me. People that have the same struggles, fears, problems, issues, flaws....but also the same hope...the same dreams...the same courage, strength, determination, tenacity, desire to get better. To be better. To learn how to recover. Because you know....once we get to "goal"...whatever that # is for each of us....we're not finished. We're not done by a long shot.
I know a couple of people who have gotten to goal since I started blogging last June and I'm just going to be honest with you. They're having one hell of a time keeping it between the lines. They're struggling to maintain...and it's even moreso than they struggled to lose the weight. Isn't that a kicker? This is hard stuff. Because it's not just about dropping some pounds. It's about changing your lifestyle...how you eat, yes...but more importantly, how you think...how you react to food....how you deal with it. How you handle it. Learning how to treat it as fuel and how NOT to fantasize over it. Not yearn for it, like I do. This is what I did last night. I was laying in bed fantasizing about food like a junkie wanting their next fix. I hit the sack at 11:30p last night and I laid awake thinking about different things, but mostly food...until 1am this morning. Sick? Yes. Insane? Yes. Shameful? You bet. But it's honest. It's real. This is me...my life...my addiction.
Did I want to talk about this to you this morning? Nope. Did I NEED to talk to you about this? Yep. Why? Because as embarassing as it is to reveal these things about me....I also know that I can't be the only person in the world with these issues. Someone else has to understand the struggle...the addiciton...themselves, and thus, maybe they've discovered or stumbled upon some epiphanies, some solutions, or just some helpful tips along this road to recovery. And God knows I need all the help I can get.
It doesn't really matter what I was craving this one particular time, but I'll tell you anyway. Crab Alfredo. lol
Red Lobster has been running these effing CrabFest commercials for 2 weeks now, and I see them every evening on TV...on the weekends...the damn things are everywhere. Number one issue....seafood is my all-time favorite type of food. Number two issue....I pass a Red Lobster every day going to and from work...it's about 1 mile from where I work. Number three issue....the craving hit 2 weeks ago, and it seems the longer I try to avoid it, the stronger the craving gets. I keep thinking I'll just ride it out until CrabFest is over and they stop advertising it....I don't know. But seriously....laying in bed at night and can't sleep because you're thinking about food????? How sick is that??? I'm such an addict. I think, well maybe I should just eat it and move on. Then I think, isn't there like 3000 calories in fettucine alfredo???? It's one of those things that are just off the charts, kinda' like pecan pie. :) Maybe I should get it and only eat half. Can I be trusted to stop at half? I'm not so sure.
So I want some ideas. Whether it be this one dish...or something different I'm craving a month from now. How do you guys deal with it? If I didn't care about changing my eating behaviors, I wouldn't devote as much time to this blog to get better. To recover. So give me your ideas please...I want to hear them. Thanks. :)
Monday, August 23, 2010
All Signed Up!
Happy Monday!!!! (NOT)...lol I hate Monday's. Always have. Oh well...when I get through today, it's only 4 days til the weekend!
I got signed up online for L.A. Fitness yesterday night, so I'm ready to go to the gym again. Kim and I will probably be meeting there on Tuesdays and Thursdays for right now. I'm excited! I was reading Kenz's last couple of posts this morning at All The Weigh listed on my sidebar. That got me even MORE excited. She posted a video of her rocking the elliptical...a machine I have truly come to hate. :) She's doing fantastic things for herself and she inspires me to get my butt moving, too!
Today's going to be busy here at work so I need to sign off for now....just checking in after a too-short weekend (aren't they all?). Just a reminder...today is Aug. 23...which means we have 8 days left in our challenge!!! Tina at Fat Girl Dives In and Crys at Bigger Than My Body are neck and neck. I haven't heard from Crys yet this wknd for her weigh-in, but I heard from Tina. They're both just over 10 lbs. down since the start of the challenge...rockstars!! But there are several others who have lost a good bit and have plenty of time in the next 8 days to win this challenge and receive the $50 gift certificate. We will do our 4th weigh-in this coming Friday, and then our FINAL weigh-in next Tuesday, Aug. 31st. Let's give it our all this week and see how many pounds we can shed on our road to freedom! :)
I got signed up online for L.A. Fitness yesterday night, so I'm ready to go to the gym again. Kim and I will probably be meeting there on Tuesdays and Thursdays for right now. I'm excited! I was reading Kenz's last couple of posts this morning at All The Weigh listed on my sidebar. That got me even MORE excited. She posted a video of her rocking the elliptical...a machine I have truly come to hate. :) She's doing fantastic things for herself and she inspires me to get my butt moving, too!
Today's going to be busy here at work so I need to sign off for now....just checking in after a too-short weekend (aren't they all?). Just a reminder...today is Aug. 23...which means we have 8 days left in our challenge!!! Tina at Fat Girl Dives In and Crys at Bigger Than My Body are neck and neck. I haven't heard from Crys yet this wknd for her weigh-in, but I heard from Tina. They're both just over 10 lbs. down since the start of the challenge...rockstars!! But there are several others who have lost a good bit and have plenty of time in the next 8 days to win this challenge and receive the $50 gift certificate. We will do our 4th weigh-in this coming Friday, and then our FINAL weigh-in next Tuesday, Aug. 31st. Let's give it our all this week and see how many pounds we can shed on our road to freedom! :)
Friday, August 20, 2010
Fail To Plan = Plan To Fail
I'm up from last week....up to 252.2. I swear, I'm like the worst challenge host ever, lol. I apologize for that. I do take a tiny bit of comfort in the fact that I am STILL on my cycle (It's been 10 days now)....but I also know that you can't eat like a complete moron for 3 days (last Fri, Sat and Sun), and expect to fully recover in the next 4 days. Let this be a lessen to you, lol.
About the title of this post....planning is the biggest key to successful eating for me. Often times I get in a rut and just can't think of anything good or yummy to fix at home. Luckily, when I did my challenge back in April, I took pics of everything I ate! I was able to go back last night and get some ideas and I was shocked at how good my food looked....and to know that I ate all of these things and still lost 15 lbs that month! You really can make better use of your calories when you're eating good, wholesome foods at home and not as much frozen, processed crap or fast food. I decided to post some of the pics in case anyone else is interested in some new ideas. Let me know how you did on your weigh-in!!! :)
Chicken burger with sauteed veggies
Salad w/ grilled chicken & raspberry vinaigrette
Shrimp stir fry
Shrimp & crab salad w/ Dreamfield's pasta
Breakfast casserole
Calzones with turkey pepperoni, veggies, 2% mozzarella & whole wheat pizza dough
Chicken tenders cooked with Rotel for soft tacos
Grilled pork chop, sauteed veggies & baked red potatoes w/ herbs & reduced fat parmesan
Egg beaters scrambled with veggies & Canadian bacon
Sauteed zucchini & mushrooms
Grilled asparagus
Lettuce tacos w/ ground chicken breast, lite sour cream & lite cheese
Grilled chicken, grilled veggies & Steamfresh chicken-flavored rice
Egg white scramble w/ grilled chicken breast & veggies
Baked pork tenderloin stuffed with fresh spinach, sun-dried tomatoes, feta cheese & fresh mushrooms
Angel hair pasta with sauteed chicken, asparagus & fresh mushrooms with a lite sour cream, cream cheese & oregano sauce
Broiled Cajun cod & veggies
Sauteed shrimp roll-up w/ sun-dried tomato wrap & fresh avocado spread
Meatball sub w/ Italian turkey meatballs, wheat hot dog bun, marinara & 2% mozzarella
Baked porkchop w/ homemade honey dijon sauce, Steamfresh brown rice & steamed broccoli
Italian chicken sausage on wheat hot dog bun w/ grilled onions & peppers & dijon mustard
Baked lemon dill cod w/ veggies
Chicken burger on whole wheat sandwich thin & lite mayo
Spaghetti w/ Dreamfield's pasta & homemade sauce w/ onions, bell peppers & fresh mushrooms
Chicken wings baked in a Mojo marinade
Mom's chicken gumbo
Salsa chicken baked with Rotel, black olives, mushrooms & 2% cheese
Veggie night
Sauteed spinach & artichoke chicken sausage w/ peppers over Steamfresh brown rice
Egg whites with 2% American cheese & Rotel on wheat wrap
Thursday, August 19, 2010
My Exercise Compromise
I've just about come to a decision about my exercise plan. I explained that I have guilt being gone away from Scarlette for so many hours in a day...which would be nearly 12 if I joined another gym. I also mentioned that my fitness center at my apartment complex isn't due to open for another 3-4 weeks (and I'm not even sure I believe that, given that they've pushed the deadline back 3x now).
But I've decided that I really miss the atmosphere in a gym...everyone working towards the common goal of better health and fitness. It motivates me and pushes me to work harder and do more when I'm surrounded by like-minded people. I don't feel quite as inspired when I'm pounding out the treadmill all by myself in an apt fitness room with usually nobody else in there with you. It's just not the same motivation....however the fitness center would be a few steps from my front door, and would cut out the driving time to and from a gym every day, and I could get home to Scarlette sooner, cook dinner and eat, do my evening chores, etc.
So here's what I'm thinking. Kim at All About The Bottom Line, who I just recently met and has started her own blog, offered to be my workout partner if I wanted to join her gym. It's called LA Fitness and I looked it up online. It's a little more upscale than the previous gyms I belonged to, Bodyplex and Planet Fitness. There is NO contract, and if you sign up online, it's $9/week. You have to pay weekly and there's no sign-up fee or initiation fee...and no close-out fee if you want to stop going, because there's no contract. I talked to Dwayne last night, looked up LA Fitness online, looked at my budget....and I think I can handle $36/month. I really think it's a worthy investment...not just for my physical health, but moreso for my mental health.
As far as the compromise part goes....I won't be going to the gym 6 days a week. I'll likely go 3 days a week....2 evenings after work to meet up with Kim and workout...and sometime during the day on Sundays. That way I can get home to Scarlette sooner on the other 3 work days. When my fitness center opens at my complex, I plan on going there straight after work and hopping on the treadmill those other 3 work days. That will have me working out 3 days a week to start....actually 4, since I take Scarlette to the park with me on Saturday mornings.....and when the fitness center is complete, I'll be working out at least 6 days a week. This makes me happy. It eases my mind, gives me something positive to focus on again, and it will allow me to hang out with Kim a couple of days a week since I hardly ever get to see her.
I like my plan. What do you think? Sound good? :)
But I've decided that I really miss the atmosphere in a gym...everyone working towards the common goal of better health and fitness. It motivates me and pushes me to work harder and do more when I'm surrounded by like-minded people. I don't feel quite as inspired when I'm pounding out the treadmill all by myself in an apt fitness room with usually nobody else in there with you. It's just not the same motivation....however the fitness center would be a few steps from my front door, and would cut out the driving time to and from a gym every day, and I could get home to Scarlette sooner, cook dinner and eat, do my evening chores, etc.
So here's what I'm thinking. Kim at All About The Bottom Line, who I just recently met and has started her own blog, offered to be my workout partner if I wanted to join her gym. It's called LA Fitness and I looked it up online. It's a little more upscale than the previous gyms I belonged to, Bodyplex and Planet Fitness. There is NO contract, and if you sign up online, it's $9/week. You have to pay weekly and there's no sign-up fee or initiation fee...and no close-out fee if you want to stop going, because there's no contract. I talked to Dwayne last night, looked up LA Fitness online, looked at my budget....and I think I can handle $36/month. I really think it's a worthy investment...not just for my physical health, but moreso for my mental health.
As far as the compromise part goes....I won't be going to the gym 6 days a week. I'll likely go 3 days a week....2 evenings after work to meet up with Kim and workout...and sometime during the day on Sundays. That way I can get home to Scarlette sooner on the other 3 work days. When my fitness center opens at my complex, I plan on going there straight after work and hopping on the treadmill those other 3 work days. That will have me working out 3 days a week to start....actually 4, since I take Scarlette to the park with me on Saturday mornings.....and when the fitness center is complete, I'll be working out at least 6 days a week. This makes me happy. It eases my mind, gives me something positive to focus on again, and it will allow me to hang out with Kim a couple of days a week since I hardly ever get to see her.
I like my plan. What do you think? Sound good? :)
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
About Yesterday...
Thank you.
Before I started writing this post this morning, I went back and re-read all of the comments from yesterday's post. First of all, thank you for not kicking me while I was down, but instead, meeting me where I was at. Sometimes that's all a girl wants....to just be listened to. But you took it further than that....you let me know that you understood, some of you completely identified and had the same feelings, and some of you told me you loved me. (Damn, I'm crying again already!)
Someone said I made her cry because I was being so mean to myself, and asked if I would treat anyone else the way I treat myself. I'm sorry I made you cry my sweet friend....and no...of course I wouldn't treat anyone else the same. But your comment put me in mind of a phrase I heard several years ago. It resonates with me so much....."Everyone knows the one person in the world you can't forgive....is yourself."
As I said in yesterday's post...I don't completely and totally hate myself. I mentioned that there are several things that I like about myself...that's definitely true. I could make you a list...I just prefer not to. It's this one area of my life....the weight....that I loathe. It disgusts me. More specifically...it's the lack of self-control in this one area that disgusts me. I have plenty of self-control in other areas...one of them being my finances. I can stick to a budget like nobody's business. I do not live above my means. I haven't had a late bill in probably 10 years. I never bounce checks or overdraw my checking account. If I can't afford to do something or buy something...I simply don't do it. It's a non-issue and common sense. I get frustrated with myself that I haven't applied that kind of self-control and no-nonsense attitude to my food choices.
I said yesterday and I'll say it again....I'm proud of myself for making the decision to finally lose the weight (no matter how long it takes)....and I'm proud of myself for finally believing I'm worth it. I do think I'm worth it...and I do think I deserve it...and that's why I continue on this journey.
Thanks to all of you for the suggestions on doing workout DVD's in my home. Also for the suggestion of a treadmill or elliptical in my home. I have reasons for not doing either of those and I'm happy to share them with you. My sweet friend Rebecca, known as screwdestiny in Blogland, and my very first blog follower who wasn't a current friend or family member, sent me some DVD's quite a while back. I also bought Jillian Michael's 30-Day Shred. I was using these DVD's and loved them...but it turned out to be hazardous for my sweet puppy Scarlette. You know that part in Jillian's Shred where she tells you to jog in place and raise your heels as high as you can and kick yourself in the butt?? Well everytime I would jump around like that or try to jog in place, Scarlette would think I was playing or dancing with her and she'd jump around my feet and I'd kick her right in that precious little face. When I'd do the jumping jacks, she'd think we were playing again, and I'd end up stepping on her....I'm 250 lbs...she's 9 lbs...not good, lol. After several times of kicking my little puppy and stepping on her, I finally had to give up exercising inside the house. I can't put her in a room and lock her up while I'm doing it, because she scratches all the paint off the door to get back to me. It just wasn't working out, lol.
As far as the elliptical or a treadmill in my house....I've got weird views on that. Besides the fact that I have very limited space in my tiny 1 bedroom apt...I kind of never wanted to be one of those people who bought a piece of exercise equipment for their home, and then a month later was using it to gather dust and hang clothes on. If I know 10 people who own a treadmill, 9 of them are using it for this purpose and not the purpose intended. So I just kind of told myself I'd exercise outside the home...either make it a point to use the treadmill at the fitness center, like at my last apt I lived in before my parent's rental house...or go to the gym....those would be my "exercise zones"...a place where the only reason you're going is to actually exercise. It's a mindset for me, I guess.
Good ol' Leslie at Something Brilliant Is Brewing. I swear, sometimes I think she is my mirror image. So many of our thoughts are perfectly aligned. She mentioned in her comment yesterday that she wasn't offended when I say I hate myself because she immediately identifies with it. Bless her heart. She also said that she understood why I want to get back to exercising so bad....it's not just to drop weight faster and tone up...but it's to release the physical energy exerted on the self-loathing. YES!!!!! That's it...that's it exactly. You can't hate your inaction on the weight loss front when you're actively engaged in exercising....it frees my mind....I mentioned a noble feeling in yesterday's post after a workout....it does more for my mind and spirit than it will ever do for my body.
I'm kicking around some ideas. There's only one reason I've hesistated on the gym, and that's time away from Scarlette. I leave my house at 7:15am and I return home at 5:30pm....so I'm already away from her 10 hours a day. I have guilt over that. My plan for when the fitness center is open is to go straight from work to the fitness center....walk on the treadmill for 30-45 mins a day, and then into the apt to spend the rest of the evening with my baby. That puts me away from her for 11 hours a day. But if I join a gym or the Y....add on another 20 mins driving each way to get to the one I'm thinking of....and now I'm away from her for nearly 12 hours a day. It makes me sad, lol. I know this is silly and something I need to get over...I know this. I'm working on it. I wish the dang fitness center at the apt would just open and my problems would be solved. But on the other hand, I don't know if my mind can handle another month of inactivity. So I'm probably going to check out a gym this wknd that I think has a $15/mo, no-contract set up.
I'll keep you posted on what I decide to do. In the meantime...thank you all so much for reading what I write and sharing your own thoughts with me. I can't imagine doing this without you. Have a good day friends. :)
Before I started writing this post this morning, I went back and re-read all of the comments from yesterday's post. First of all, thank you for not kicking me while I was down, but instead, meeting me where I was at. Sometimes that's all a girl wants....to just be listened to. But you took it further than that....you let me know that you understood, some of you completely identified and had the same feelings, and some of you told me you loved me. (Damn, I'm crying again already!)
Someone said I made her cry because I was being so mean to myself, and asked if I would treat anyone else the way I treat myself. I'm sorry I made you cry my sweet friend....and no...of course I wouldn't treat anyone else the same. But your comment put me in mind of a phrase I heard several years ago. It resonates with me so much....."Everyone knows the one person in the world you can't forgive....is yourself."
As I said in yesterday's post...I don't completely and totally hate myself. I mentioned that there are several things that I like about myself...that's definitely true. I could make you a list...I just prefer not to. It's this one area of my life....the weight....that I loathe. It disgusts me. More specifically...it's the lack of self-control in this one area that disgusts me. I have plenty of self-control in other areas...one of them being my finances. I can stick to a budget like nobody's business. I do not live above my means. I haven't had a late bill in probably 10 years. I never bounce checks or overdraw my checking account. If I can't afford to do something or buy something...I simply don't do it. It's a non-issue and common sense. I get frustrated with myself that I haven't applied that kind of self-control and no-nonsense attitude to my food choices.
I said yesterday and I'll say it again....I'm proud of myself for making the decision to finally lose the weight (no matter how long it takes)....and I'm proud of myself for finally believing I'm worth it. I do think I'm worth it...and I do think I deserve it...and that's why I continue on this journey.
Thanks to all of you for the suggestions on doing workout DVD's in my home. Also for the suggestion of a treadmill or elliptical in my home. I have reasons for not doing either of those and I'm happy to share them with you. My sweet friend Rebecca, known as screwdestiny in Blogland, and my very first blog follower who wasn't a current friend or family member, sent me some DVD's quite a while back. I also bought Jillian Michael's 30-Day Shred. I was using these DVD's and loved them...but it turned out to be hazardous for my sweet puppy Scarlette. You know that part in Jillian's Shred where she tells you to jog in place and raise your heels as high as you can and kick yourself in the butt?? Well everytime I would jump around like that or try to jog in place, Scarlette would think I was playing or dancing with her and she'd jump around my feet and I'd kick her right in that precious little face. When I'd do the jumping jacks, she'd think we were playing again, and I'd end up stepping on her....I'm 250 lbs...she's 9 lbs...not good, lol. After several times of kicking my little puppy and stepping on her, I finally had to give up exercising inside the house. I can't put her in a room and lock her up while I'm doing it, because she scratches all the paint off the door to get back to me. It just wasn't working out, lol.
As far as the elliptical or a treadmill in my house....I've got weird views on that. Besides the fact that I have very limited space in my tiny 1 bedroom apt...I kind of never wanted to be one of those people who bought a piece of exercise equipment for their home, and then a month later was using it to gather dust and hang clothes on. If I know 10 people who own a treadmill, 9 of them are using it for this purpose and not the purpose intended. So I just kind of told myself I'd exercise outside the home...either make it a point to use the treadmill at the fitness center, like at my last apt I lived in before my parent's rental house...or go to the gym....those would be my "exercise zones"...a place where the only reason you're going is to actually exercise. It's a mindset for me, I guess.
Good ol' Leslie at Something Brilliant Is Brewing. I swear, sometimes I think she is my mirror image. So many of our thoughts are perfectly aligned. She mentioned in her comment yesterday that she wasn't offended when I say I hate myself because she immediately identifies with it. Bless her heart. She also said that she understood why I want to get back to exercising so bad....it's not just to drop weight faster and tone up...but it's to release the physical energy exerted on the self-loathing. YES!!!!! That's it...that's it exactly. You can't hate your inaction on the weight loss front when you're actively engaged in exercising....it frees my mind....I mentioned a noble feeling in yesterday's post after a workout....it does more for my mind and spirit than it will ever do for my body.
I'm kicking around some ideas. There's only one reason I've hesistated on the gym, and that's time away from Scarlette. I leave my house at 7:15am and I return home at 5:30pm....so I'm already away from her 10 hours a day. I have guilt over that. My plan for when the fitness center is open is to go straight from work to the fitness center....walk on the treadmill for 30-45 mins a day, and then into the apt to spend the rest of the evening with my baby. That puts me away from her for 11 hours a day. But if I join a gym or the Y....add on another 20 mins driving each way to get to the one I'm thinking of....and now I'm away from her for nearly 12 hours a day. It makes me sad, lol. I know this is silly and something I need to get over...I know this. I'm working on it. I wish the dang fitness center at the apt would just open and my problems would be solved. But on the other hand, I don't know if my mind can handle another month of inactivity. So I'm probably going to check out a gym this wknd that I think has a $15/mo, no-contract set up.
I'll keep you posted on what I decide to do. In the meantime...thank you all so much for reading what I write and sharing your own thoughts with me. I can't imagine doing this without you. Have a good day friends. :)
Monday, August 16, 2010
Self-Honesty Is A B*tch
Where do I start?
I can't get away from myself. Have you ever tried to do that?? Get away from yourself? It's impossible. No matter where you are, what you're doing, how you try to distract yourself with other things...your thoughts always follow you. They're always there.....and at times, they can be haunting...nagging...eating away at you until you finally stop running, and turn and face them head on. Thus....this blog post.
I was extra tired tonight....Mondays are always extra busy but I suspect some of the lethargy had to do with the stupid eating I did this past wknd, which I confessed to in my last post. I came home and had a turkey sandwich and a plum for dinner....baked some chicken breasts for my egg white scrambles in the mornings, cleaned my kitchen, did the dishes, washed 2 loads of laundry, and dropped in bed at 8pm. I was tired....thought I'd be asleep in 5 minutes. Nope. I laid there and tossed and turned for TWO HOURS.
Thoughts about my weight lossbattle journey kept running through my mind....along with thoughts about other people's journeys....or more specifically....their triumphs. I posted last Friday about my friend "266" reaching her 1 year anniversary of losing weight (I believe she's at her goal weight). I've been thinking about her every day since then. The images that she had on her video keep flashing in my mind....such pride...such joy...such hard won success...and it showed. It's imprinted on my brain. I want that for myself.
Tonight, while clicking around in blogs, I came across Bitchcakes blog, whom I've posted about before. I haven't been by her blog in quite a while...so I totally missed the post on July 28th where she finally reached her goal weight after what I believe was a 4 year-long battle. Those 4 years included a 2+ year plateau. Can you imagine??? Being at a plateau for OVER 2 YEARS...but not losing sight of your goal, sticking with it and continuing on until you finally cross that finish line? That post was so poignant....her words flowed and I felt every emotion she expressed. Such intense and appreciative relfection on everything she'd been through in the last 4 years. I did the same thing I did when I watched 266's video last Friday....I cried my eyes out. Happy tears for these amazing women for hanging in there and getting it done....sticking with it all the way to the end....never losing sight of their goals because they knew.....they knew what was at the end of that long, hard road. They knew that one day, whether it be sooner or later, all of their work...their sweat...their tears...their falling off the wagon and climbing back on....their perseverance and tenacity would one day pay off in the best way possible.
I laid in the bed just a little while ago and finally stopped running from my thoughts. I just laid there and all of the thoughts that I'd been keeping at bay for the last couple of months....I let them flow in and consume me. I laid there and cried pititful tears. I cried for all times I've screwed up...all the times I've let myself down with my weight loss goals....all the times I've let my consistency fall by the wayside. I cried for being so weak-minded when it comes to food choices.....and for the knowledge that it's my fault that I'm as big as I am. It's my fault for letting myself get all the way up to 340 lbs and stretching out the skin on my body so badly that without a very expensive surgery, my body will never look good to me. I cried because I'm afraid that when I do finally reach my goal, I'm still going to be unhappy, simply because of the skin damage that's already been done, and just isn't reversible without a surgery I'll probably never be able to afford.
I also cried because I know I'm not doing enough right now to lose the weight and I've been trying to ignore it...or put it off...in my mind. With the exception of this past weekend, I've been doing really well with my food intake during this challenge....but there's been virtually no exercise...just a walk on Saturday mornings with my baby Scarlette. It's not enough, and I know it. When I moved to my apartment, I cancelled the gym membership close to my old house. It's too far of a drive from where I live now, but the main reason is I found it senseless to pay a $20 gym membership fee when I moved into an apartment complex that's going to have a fitness center. A new property management company bought this complex last December and they are doing 4.5 million dollars worth of improvements. One of those improvements is a new fitness center. But they keep pushing back the date that it's going to be ready. When I asked last Friday, they said it's going to be another 3-4 weeks.
I've opted not to walk outside at a park after work simply because of the heat. Down here in Atlanta, we have several days a week where the heat index is 104-107 degrees. That's dangerously high. I want to ignore it and go out and exercise anyway, but I'm constantly hearing on the news where people are ending up in the hospital from heat exhaustion. So I keep telling myself it would just be stupid to exercise outdoors right now. And I keep waiting on the fitness center to open so I can use the treadmill and elliptical. But it's just not good enough.
I know this is going to sound weird to you, because it sounds weird to me...but I'm craving exercise. I'm actually missing it. The fact that I haven't been doing it for a while is really messing with my head. I finally let myself do the whole self-honesty thing tonight that Sean's always talking about...and it's painful...but it's also cleansing. You have to acknowledge the problem before you can fix the problem. Ignoring it or putting it off doesn't make it go away. How do I know this? Because I wake up in the same fat body every morning. I hate my fat body, and I hate myself even more for MAKING my body fat.
What I'm fixing to say next is liable to offend some people. I'll apologize ahead of time for any offense, because that's never my intention....but I can't let it keep me from journaling my thoughts and getting all of the toxicity out of my brain. We are all different. We are all motivated by different things, and we all have different beliefs.
Self-honesty for me leads to self-hate. But in MY case, that's not a bad thing. Hate is my motivator. It's what makes me know in my heart of hearts that one day, I WILL get this right. No matter how many do-over's it takes....one day I will experience the exact same exuberant, euphoric joy and triumph that Bitchcakes, 266 and so many others have experienced. I can see it in my mind's eye. I can picture the day that I hit my goal....I can truly wrap my mind around the pride I'm going to feel, because I know that I WILL feel it. It's not a matter of "if" anymore, like it was for so many years.....now it's a matter of "when".
I know that a lot of people gasp when they hear someone say they hate themselves. They say that you can't or won't get the weight off until you learn to love yourself. They say that you're ok now...just the way you are...right where you are...whether you ever lose another pound or not. There's a fine line here for me.
I do hate myself for the choices I've made that led me to morbid obesity. And while I'm in this vein, let me say that I do believe it's all about my own personal choices, and my own personal responsibility. I am responsible for getting to 340 lbs. I am not, nor have I ever been, a victim of circumstance. I wasn't abused as a child or an adult. I had the most loving, supportive, encouraging parents in the world. I come from a very close knit family that had plenty of money and all of my needs were taken care of. Nobody shoved food down my face. I have a thyroid problem, but have never blamed my thyroid, because when I was first diagnosed with it at 30 years old, my doctor told me hypothyroidism can be the blame for about 30 extra lbs. of weight on a person. She said that it doesn't mean you can't lose those 30 lbs, it just means it's a little more difficult than it is for someone w/o a thyroid problem. So I've never blamed the thyroid. I also have PCOS...but that is not the cause of any of my weight gain....it is a SYMPTOM of my weight gain.
Now...back to the self-hatred. I can honestly say that this goes way, WAY back. I've been at the very least, overweight, for as far back as I can remember. Seriously. I want to say maybe as young as 12-13 I was overweight. I can remember being made fun of at school during these years. I could blame it on that...but the people that made fun of me still weren't shoving food down my throat. I was. I always found it fascinating how some girls would develop anorexia or bulimia to keep from being made fun of or to be accepted and in the "cool" crowd. I remember being jealous of them because in my young teenage mind, it took such major self-control to not eat....when I ate everything. I got fat. They didn't. How did they manage so much self-control? Didn't pizza smell good to them? How did they keep from eating in the cafeteria when everyone else was eating? God knows I was. I really, seriously used to revere those girls in my mind because they had something I didn't. Self-control. And I hated myself for it. No matter how much I wish I had it, I could never seem to achieve it, and I really think that's where the self-hatred cycle started.
I'm a no-bullsh*t kind of person....the way I think and what I will and won't put up with have really changed over the years since I've aged. I'm more mentally strong now than I've ever been, and I'm proud of that. I'm also a lot less thin-skinned. I'm still very emotional, and can cry at the drop of a hat...but what sparks those tears have changed. I don't face plant in a plate of food anymore when someone makes fun of me...and yes, it still happens occasionally, even at my age. Nobody that counts....some guy driving down the road who likes to hang out his car window and make fun of fat people....that kind of random thing. It still brings a tear to my eye, but I've grown enough and matured enough in this journey to know that bingeing on something WORSENS the problem.
Now, instead of the self-hatred keeping me in the bingeing cycle, it inspires me to make better choices. To tell you the truth, I haven't had an all-out binge in months and months. That is true progress. Amazing progress. One of the biggest milestones I've had so far in the 90 lbs. I've dropped since my highest point. When I look at myself naked in the mirror every morning before my shower, it's that disgust that makes me say, "I'm going to make this a good eating day. I'm really going to strive for consistency. I need to find a way to start exercising again. I'm sick and tired of looking at all this disgusting fat hanging off of me and there's only one way to change it. It's up to me."
The fine line that I was talking about earlier before I got off on my "school days" tangent is this......I do not hate every single thing about myself. There's a lot of stuff I like. I'm not going to list them, because that would make me sound vain, and I'm not a big fan of vanity. I find it unattractive. But I will say this...I'm proud of myself for making the choice to lose the weight. I'm proud of myself for finally believing I'm worth it. I'm even proud of myself for NOT losing it for Dwayne, who would love to see me at a smaller size. Dwayne in regards to my weight is a whole other story and one that I'm not ready to delve into. He loves me and I absolutely know that....but some things could be better. I'll leave it at that.
I'm also proud of myself for getting up every time I fall. One of the things that's going to be so sweet about reaching my goal is how very long it took me to get there. I've learned a lot of lessons along the way, thanks to finding Blogland. And I've learned a lot about myself....I've learned just what I'm made of, and it's pretty good stuff.
The one thing I'm really, really struggling with right now is the exercise. I have to figure out how I'm going to get it done. Due to the heat and the fitness center taking so long to be completed, I'm actually considering joining another gym. I'm on a very tight budget, so it would have to be one of those no-contract, $20/month jobbies....but I'm considering it. I actually miss the gym. Some people hate it....feel like they're being stared at, etc. It's all in your head. Trust me...nobody gives a crap how many of your fat rolls are jiggling. In fact, the more fat rolls I see jiggling on someone in front of me on the treadmill, the prouder I am of them!!! No joke. It inspires me to no end to see someone set aside their fears and insecurities and just get in there and get the work done. Hell, if anyone needs to be in the gym, it's us fat people!! And I love that sense of comraderie....everyone working towards the common goal of getting fit and taking care of themselves. It's like you're finally part of the "cool" club....it's cool to get healthy and get fit. There's no arguing that point. It's such a noble feeling when you've left the gym pouring sweat, smelling like hot garbage and looking like you've just been run over by a Mack truck. There's nothing wrong with feeling that kind of pride....it's good for the mind and the spirit. I miss it. Whether I choose another gym, or some other form of exercise...I want to feel that feeling again of knowing I'm on the right track to losing this weight for good.
As far as the self-loathing over the loose skin.....I'm still working on that. There's a lot of mental work that goes into losing the weight, and keeping it off for good. A TON of mental work. I'm going to be extremely proud of what I've accomplished when I hit my goal of 170. Maybe as I get closer to goal, even though the loose skin problem will likely get worse, maybe the pride and sense of accomplishment I feel will overpower the regret of abusing my body for so many years. I don't know what's going to happen with that. All I know to do is to press forward and learn to face these issues as they come, instead of burying them or ignoring them, and continuing to stall out. Today was full of good choices, and tomorrow will be, too. I'm going to keep pecking away at this until I get it right....and maybe now that I've gotten all of this out of my system, I can finally get some sleep.
Thanks for listening to my crap....and thanks especially to those who are hanging in there with me because, just like me, you know where I'm going to end up. :)
I can't get away from myself. Have you ever tried to do that?? Get away from yourself? It's impossible. No matter where you are, what you're doing, how you try to distract yourself with other things...your thoughts always follow you. They're always there.....and at times, they can be haunting...nagging...eating away at you until you finally stop running, and turn and face them head on. Thus....this blog post.
I was extra tired tonight....Mondays are always extra busy but I suspect some of the lethargy had to do with the stupid eating I did this past wknd, which I confessed to in my last post. I came home and had a turkey sandwich and a plum for dinner....baked some chicken breasts for my egg white scrambles in the mornings, cleaned my kitchen, did the dishes, washed 2 loads of laundry, and dropped in bed at 8pm. I was tired....thought I'd be asleep in 5 minutes. Nope. I laid there and tossed and turned for TWO HOURS.
Thoughts about my weight loss
Tonight, while clicking around in blogs, I came across Bitchcakes blog, whom I've posted about before. I haven't been by her blog in quite a while...so I totally missed the post on July 28th where she finally reached her goal weight after what I believe was a 4 year-long battle. Those 4 years included a 2+ year plateau. Can you imagine??? Being at a plateau for OVER 2 YEARS...but not losing sight of your goal, sticking with it and continuing on until you finally cross that finish line? That post was so poignant....her words flowed and I felt every emotion she expressed. Such intense and appreciative relfection on everything she'd been through in the last 4 years. I did the same thing I did when I watched 266's video last Friday....I cried my eyes out. Happy tears for these amazing women for hanging in there and getting it done....sticking with it all the way to the end....never losing sight of their goals because they knew.....they knew what was at the end of that long, hard road. They knew that one day, whether it be sooner or later, all of their work...their sweat...their tears...their falling off the wagon and climbing back on....their perseverance and tenacity would one day pay off in the best way possible.
I laid in the bed just a little while ago and finally stopped running from my thoughts. I just laid there and all of the thoughts that I'd been keeping at bay for the last couple of months....I let them flow in and consume me. I laid there and cried pititful tears. I cried for all times I've screwed up...all the times I've let myself down with my weight loss goals....all the times I've let my consistency fall by the wayside. I cried for being so weak-minded when it comes to food choices.....and for the knowledge that it's my fault that I'm as big as I am. It's my fault for letting myself get all the way up to 340 lbs and stretching out the skin on my body so badly that without a very expensive surgery, my body will never look good to me. I cried because I'm afraid that when I do finally reach my goal, I'm still going to be unhappy, simply because of the skin damage that's already been done, and just isn't reversible without a surgery I'll probably never be able to afford.
I also cried because I know I'm not doing enough right now to lose the weight and I've been trying to ignore it...or put it off...in my mind. With the exception of this past weekend, I've been doing really well with my food intake during this challenge....but there's been virtually no exercise...just a walk on Saturday mornings with my baby Scarlette. It's not enough, and I know it. When I moved to my apartment, I cancelled the gym membership close to my old house. It's too far of a drive from where I live now, but the main reason is I found it senseless to pay a $20 gym membership fee when I moved into an apartment complex that's going to have a fitness center. A new property management company bought this complex last December and they are doing 4.5 million dollars worth of improvements. One of those improvements is a new fitness center. But they keep pushing back the date that it's going to be ready. When I asked last Friday, they said it's going to be another 3-4 weeks.
I've opted not to walk outside at a park after work simply because of the heat. Down here in Atlanta, we have several days a week where the heat index is 104-107 degrees. That's dangerously high. I want to ignore it and go out and exercise anyway, but I'm constantly hearing on the news where people are ending up in the hospital from heat exhaustion. So I keep telling myself it would just be stupid to exercise outdoors right now. And I keep waiting on the fitness center to open so I can use the treadmill and elliptical. But it's just not good enough.
I know this is going to sound weird to you, because it sounds weird to me...but I'm craving exercise. I'm actually missing it. The fact that I haven't been doing it for a while is really messing with my head. I finally let myself do the whole self-honesty thing tonight that Sean's always talking about...and it's painful...but it's also cleansing. You have to acknowledge the problem before you can fix the problem. Ignoring it or putting it off doesn't make it go away. How do I know this? Because I wake up in the same fat body every morning. I hate my fat body, and I hate myself even more for MAKING my body fat.
What I'm fixing to say next is liable to offend some people. I'll apologize ahead of time for any offense, because that's never my intention....but I can't let it keep me from journaling my thoughts and getting all of the toxicity out of my brain. We are all different. We are all motivated by different things, and we all have different beliefs.
Self-honesty for me leads to self-hate. But in MY case, that's not a bad thing. Hate is my motivator. It's what makes me know in my heart of hearts that one day, I WILL get this right. No matter how many do-over's it takes....one day I will experience the exact same exuberant, euphoric joy and triumph that Bitchcakes, 266 and so many others have experienced. I can see it in my mind's eye. I can picture the day that I hit my goal....I can truly wrap my mind around the pride I'm going to feel, because I know that I WILL feel it. It's not a matter of "if" anymore, like it was for so many years.....now it's a matter of "when".
I know that a lot of people gasp when they hear someone say they hate themselves. They say that you can't or won't get the weight off until you learn to love yourself. They say that you're ok now...just the way you are...right where you are...whether you ever lose another pound or not. There's a fine line here for me.
I do hate myself for the choices I've made that led me to morbid obesity. And while I'm in this vein, let me say that I do believe it's all about my own personal choices, and my own personal responsibility. I am responsible for getting to 340 lbs. I am not, nor have I ever been, a victim of circumstance. I wasn't abused as a child or an adult. I had the most loving, supportive, encouraging parents in the world. I come from a very close knit family that had plenty of money and all of my needs were taken care of. Nobody shoved food down my face. I have a thyroid problem, but have never blamed my thyroid, because when I was first diagnosed with it at 30 years old, my doctor told me hypothyroidism can be the blame for about 30 extra lbs. of weight on a person. She said that it doesn't mean you can't lose those 30 lbs, it just means it's a little more difficult than it is for someone w/o a thyroid problem. So I've never blamed the thyroid. I also have PCOS...but that is not the cause of any of my weight gain....it is a SYMPTOM of my weight gain.
Now...back to the self-hatred. I can honestly say that this goes way, WAY back. I've been at the very least, overweight, for as far back as I can remember. Seriously. I want to say maybe as young as 12-13 I was overweight. I can remember being made fun of at school during these years. I could blame it on that...but the people that made fun of me still weren't shoving food down my throat. I was. I always found it fascinating how some girls would develop anorexia or bulimia to keep from being made fun of or to be accepted and in the "cool" crowd. I remember being jealous of them because in my young teenage mind, it took such major self-control to not eat....when I ate everything. I got fat. They didn't. How did they manage so much self-control? Didn't pizza smell good to them? How did they keep from eating in the cafeteria when everyone else was eating? God knows I was. I really, seriously used to revere those girls in my mind because they had something I didn't. Self-control. And I hated myself for it. No matter how much I wish I had it, I could never seem to achieve it, and I really think that's where the self-hatred cycle started.
I'm a no-bullsh*t kind of person....the way I think and what I will and won't put up with have really changed over the years since I've aged. I'm more mentally strong now than I've ever been, and I'm proud of that. I'm also a lot less thin-skinned. I'm still very emotional, and can cry at the drop of a hat...but what sparks those tears have changed. I don't face plant in a plate of food anymore when someone makes fun of me...and yes, it still happens occasionally, even at my age. Nobody that counts....some guy driving down the road who likes to hang out his car window and make fun of fat people....that kind of random thing. It still brings a tear to my eye, but I've grown enough and matured enough in this journey to know that bingeing on something WORSENS the problem.
Now, instead of the self-hatred keeping me in the bingeing cycle, it inspires me to make better choices. To tell you the truth, I haven't had an all-out binge in months and months. That is true progress. Amazing progress. One of the biggest milestones I've had so far in the 90 lbs. I've dropped since my highest point. When I look at myself naked in the mirror every morning before my shower, it's that disgust that makes me say, "I'm going to make this a good eating day. I'm really going to strive for consistency. I need to find a way to start exercising again. I'm sick and tired of looking at all this disgusting fat hanging off of me and there's only one way to change it. It's up to me."
The fine line that I was talking about earlier before I got off on my "school days" tangent is this......I do not hate every single thing about myself. There's a lot of stuff I like. I'm not going to list them, because that would make me sound vain, and I'm not a big fan of vanity. I find it unattractive. But I will say this...I'm proud of myself for making the choice to lose the weight. I'm proud of myself for finally believing I'm worth it. I'm even proud of myself for NOT losing it for Dwayne, who would love to see me at a smaller size. Dwayne in regards to my weight is a whole other story and one that I'm not ready to delve into. He loves me and I absolutely know that....but some things could be better. I'll leave it at that.
I'm also proud of myself for getting up every time I fall. One of the things that's going to be so sweet about reaching my goal is how very long it took me to get there. I've learned a lot of lessons along the way, thanks to finding Blogland. And I've learned a lot about myself....I've learned just what I'm made of, and it's pretty good stuff.
The one thing I'm really, really struggling with right now is the exercise. I have to figure out how I'm going to get it done. Due to the heat and the fitness center taking so long to be completed, I'm actually considering joining another gym. I'm on a very tight budget, so it would have to be one of those no-contract, $20/month jobbies....but I'm considering it. I actually miss the gym. Some people hate it....feel like they're being stared at, etc. It's all in your head. Trust me...nobody gives a crap how many of your fat rolls are jiggling. In fact, the more fat rolls I see jiggling on someone in front of me on the treadmill, the prouder I am of them!!! No joke. It inspires me to no end to see someone set aside their fears and insecurities and just get in there and get the work done. Hell, if anyone needs to be in the gym, it's us fat people!! And I love that sense of comraderie....everyone working towards the common goal of getting fit and taking care of themselves. It's like you're finally part of the "cool" club....it's cool to get healthy and get fit. There's no arguing that point. It's such a noble feeling when you've left the gym pouring sweat, smelling like hot garbage and looking like you've just been run over by a Mack truck. There's nothing wrong with feeling that kind of pride....it's good for the mind and the spirit. I miss it. Whether I choose another gym, or some other form of exercise...I want to feel that feeling again of knowing I'm on the right track to losing this weight for good.
As far as the self-loathing over the loose skin.....I'm still working on that. There's a lot of mental work that goes into losing the weight, and keeping it off for good. A TON of mental work. I'm going to be extremely proud of what I've accomplished when I hit my goal of 170. Maybe as I get closer to goal, even though the loose skin problem will likely get worse, maybe the pride and sense of accomplishment I feel will overpower the regret of abusing my body for so many years. I don't know what's going to happen with that. All I know to do is to press forward and learn to face these issues as they come, instead of burying them or ignoring them, and continuing to stall out. Today was full of good choices, and tomorrow will be, too. I'm going to keep pecking away at this until I get it right....and maybe now that I've gotten all of this out of my system, I can finally get some sleep.
Thanks for listening to my crap....and thanks especially to those who are hanging in there with me because, just like me, you know where I'm going to end up. :)
Two Down: Two To Go!
I had a busy weekend filled with bad eating choices. There...I said it. Time to move on! Oh...we need to reminisce about it? Fine...here's what I did....
Friday was ok....egg white scramble for breakfast and grilled chicken for lunch from a place called El Pollo Loco. Then came dinner out with Dwayne, my supervisor and friend Billie and my ex-roommate Shane (who married Billie!)....we had a great time with Shane and Billie....but dinner was at a Chinese buffet. One plate of food...but a big plate, and it had some fried stuff on it, too.
Saturday morning was a tuna salad sandwich on a whole wheat bun because I already had the tuna mixed up and didn't feel like cooking...shared it with Scarlette. Yes, my dog loves tuna salad, lol. Then she and I headed to the park for a walk....we ended up taking a trail through the woods at the back of the park, and ended up in a completely different park....so we had to turn around and re-trace our steps, and it ended up being at least an hour long walk...maybe a little longer. That felt good.
After that, I went back to the apt....drug Dwayne out of bed, fixed his breakfast, got my shower, headed to the salon for a manicure, then to Publix to pick up a few things. I got back home around 2pm and had brought back some food from the Publix deli....fried chicken tenders and Mardi Gras wings...I think those ones are baked. Stirred up some honey and mustard for a sauce...and that was lunch. I was pretty much feeling like dog poop at this point due to my cycle...it looks like this one is going to last the full 2 weeks because it is STILL hanging around and yesterday and today I've been having SEVERE cramps. I really hate this crap. Anyhoo...back to Saturday....feeling bloated from the cycle and in a good amount of pain due to my PCOS, and very, very lethargic. Took a nap on the loveseat and woke up an hour later. Just couldn't get to feeling good, didn't feel like doing any chores around the house...so I sat in front of the TV like a lump. About 7pm I told Dwayne I didnt' feel like cooking, and we ordered Blue Moon pizza...his half was sausage and pepperoni....my half was meatballs and mushrooms....I ate 2 of the 4 pieces....and decided to throw the other 2 pieces away so I wouldn't eat them the next morning....I LOVE cold pizza for breakfast.
Sunday morning I had a bagel with one egg and lite mayo on it. It was one of those full-fat, full-calorie, like 300 calories a piece bagels....which I haven't seen since I was on vacation at the beach with Dwayne in May. We had ran into Walmart after dinner out on Friday at the Chinese restaurant, and Dwayne picked them up for his breakfast this wknd. I knew it was dangerous....I knew they shouldn't be in my house....but I feel stupid telling him what he can and can't bring into the house....I feel like I should have more control and actually be able to act like a sane adult no matter what food is around me. Well I failed big time at that. I resisted the bagels Sat morning...but I totally caved Sunday and ate one with an egg on it. And not an egg white...a whole egg. Which means 75 calories as opposed to 17.
At this point in the weekend, I pretty much threw in the towel. I had made such a series of bad choices, that I didn't want to even put in the effort to TRY and recover...and I very consciously said "to hell with it". I was supposed to meet Kim, Crys and Tina for lunch and shopping at the Farmer's Market at 11:30am. Kim texted me and told me she was feeling ill and unable to make it....and then Tina called me and said Crys had an impromptu business meeting I think, and she had to cancel also. Well Tina and I had both planned on doing our grocery shopping for the week at the Farmer's Market, so instead of cancelling, we went ahead and met up and had a GREAT time together.
They have a salad bar and a hot bar there. Tina headed straight for the salad bar while I got a little salad, then made a beeline for the hot bar. I got a little spoon of baked chicken & pineapple w/ red & green peppers, a small piece of baked turkey, 3 baked italian herb chicken wings, half of a fried chicken breast...and the salad I had already put on my plate. We had water to drink. It was very tasty, and we enjoyed fabulous conversation. Then we shopped!! That store is just fantastic...it's got all kinds of stuff..anything you could want (including a fabulous bakery). I got a small, single-serving chocolate cheesecake and a pecan tart to take home and share with Dwayne...I ate 2-3 bites of each, and gave him the rest. I bought some produce, tilapia, chicken sausage, and some white pepper and herbs de provence in the spice section....and only spent $37. Not bad! I plan on returning very soon. The conversastion and visit with Tina was wonderful...she is just such an awesome person.....so down-to-earth, kind, hilarious, and generally just a great person to be around. Can't wait to see her again soon, too.
Went back home....cramps were KILLING me...and while I had a good time visiting and shopping with Tina, and was feeling like crapola, physically. After I got home....around 2:30pm.....I split a meatball sub with Dwayne from Subway....knowing I had plans to meet another friend and old co-worker for dinner at 5pm. Well Tasha ended up running a little late...she didn't get to Wild Wing Cafe til 5:30...and then it took us until 6pm to decide what we wanted. I ended up eating 3/4 of an order of fried mushrooms off the appetizer menu, 2 slider burgers with cheese, onion, pickle and ketchup...and the fries that came with it...every one of them. Not hideous enough yet??? Let me continue!!!
Before I left to meet Tasha....I had made dinner for Dwayne at the apt.....baked some bbq baby back ribs that I found on sale at Publix...and some homemade fries. Tasha and I hung out and talked at the restaurant til 8pm...then I ran by Publix and picked up a few things....getting home around 9pm....and what did I do? I ate again!!!! There were ribs and fries left....so I had 3 of the baby back ribs and 3 of the homemade fries. At this point I'm so miserable, physically and mentally, that I'm just ready to lay down and DIE. This is the worst weekend eating-wise that I've had in many, many months. Even when things were in chaos while I was having my garage sale, packing up my whole house, and getting moved....I didn't do NEAR as bad as I did this wknd. And for no good reason...I just didn't feel like trying. Yes, I felt like crap physically due to the bad cycle....but it's not a good enough reason to excuse what I did with my eating choices.
I'm feeling really stupid this morning...and bloated, and irritable, and sad...you name it..I'm feelin' it. :(
However....there has to come a point where the bad choices end and the good ones ensue. Today is that day. I was running late this morning...woke up feeling like garbage and just could not get motivated. I was late in getting out the door so didn't take time to pack my lunch, although my frig is stocked with healthy choices. For breakfast, I made a quick sandwich on wheat sourdough bread I got at the Farmer's Market and some 47% lower sodium Boar's Head turkey breast I got at Publix. I ate half of it.....deciced that was all I needed for breakfast, and wrapped up the other half and threw it in the frig. Got my shower, threw on some clothes and eye make-up and darted out the door. No lunch packed....but whatever I decide to get...it's going to be WAY better than anything I had over the weekend. And yes, I got on the scale this morning when I got out of bed....and you can probably imagine just how incredibly bad it was. Last Friday I was 249.something? This morning I was 256.something. Damn. Hmmm. Wonder how that happened...lol..just teasing. I know exactly how that happened...and now you do, too.
Moving on......have a great day friends....:)
Friday was ok....egg white scramble for breakfast and grilled chicken for lunch from a place called El Pollo Loco. Then came dinner out with Dwayne, my supervisor and friend Billie and my ex-roommate Shane (who married Billie!)....we had a great time with Shane and Billie....but dinner was at a Chinese buffet. One plate of food...but a big plate, and it had some fried stuff on it, too.
Saturday morning was a tuna salad sandwich on a whole wheat bun because I already had the tuna mixed up and didn't feel like cooking...shared it with Scarlette. Yes, my dog loves tuna salad, lol. Then she and I headed to the park for a walk....we ended up taking a trail through the woods at the back of the park, and ended up in a completely different park....so we had to turn around and re-trace our steps, and it ended up being at least an hour long walk...maybe a little longer. That felt good.
After that, I went back to the apt....drug Dwayne out of bed, fixed his breakfast, got my shower, headed to the salon for a manicure, then to Publix to pick up a few things. I got back home around 2pm and had brought back some food from the Publix deli....fried chicken tenders and Mardi Gras wings...I think those ones are baked. Stirred up some honey and mustard for a sauce...and that was lunch. I was pretty much feeling like dog poop at this point due to my cycle...it looks like this one is going to last the full 2 weeks because it is STILL hanging around and yesterday and today I've been having SEVERE cramps. I really hate this crap. Anyhoo...back to Saturday....feeling bloated from the cycle and in a good amount of pain due to my PCOS, and very, very lethargic. Took a nap on the loveseat and woke up an hour later. Just couldn't get to feeling good, didn't feel like doing any chores around the house...so I sat in front of the TV like a lump. About 7pm I told Dwayne I didnt' feel like cooking, and we ordered Blue Moon pizza...his half was sausage and pepperoni....my half was meatballs and mushrooms....I ate 2 of the 4 pieces....and decided to throw the other 2 pieces away so I wouldn't eat them the next morning....I LOVE cold pizza for breakfast.
Sunday morning I had a bagel with one egg and lite mayo on it. It was one of those full-fat, full-calorie, like 300 calories a piece bagels....which I haven't seen since I was on vacation at the beach with Dwayne in May. We had ran into Walmart after dinner out on Friday at the Chinese restaurant, and Dwayne picked them up for his breakfast this wknd. I knew it was dangerous....I knew they shouldn't be in my house....but I feel stupid telling him what he can and can't bring into the house....I feel like I should have more control and actually be able to act like a sane adult no matter what food is around me. Well I failed big time at that. I resisted the bagels Sat morning...but I totally caved Sunday and ate one with an egg on it. And not an egg white...a whole egg. Which means 75 calories as opposed to 17.
At this point in the weekend, I pretty much threw in the towel. I had made such a series of bad choices, that I didn't want to even put in the effort to TRY and recover...and I very consciously said "to hell with it". I was supposed to meet Kim, Crys and Tina for lunch and shopping at the Farmer's Market at 11:30am. Kim texted me and told me she was feeling ill and unable to make it....and then Tina called me and said Crys had an impromptu business meeting I think, and she had to cancel also. Well Tina and I had both planned on doing our grocery shopping for the week at the Farmer's Market, so instead of cancelling, we went ahead and met up and had a GREAT time together.
They have a salad bar and a hot bar there. Tina headed straight for the salad bar while I got a little salad, then made a beeline for the hot bar. I got a little spoon of baked chicken & pineapple w/ red & green peppers, a small piece of baked turkey, 3 baked italian herb chicken wings, half of a fried chicken breast...and the salad I had already put on my plate. We had water to drink. It was very tasty, and we enjoyed fabulous conversation. Then we shopped!! That store is just fantastic...it's got all kinds of stuff..anything you could want (including a fabulous bakery). I got a small, single-serving chocolate cheesecake and a pecan tart to take home and share with Dwayne...I ate 2-3 bites of each, and gave him the rest. I bought some produce, tilapia, chicken sausage, and some white pepper and herbs de provence in the spice section....and only spent $37. Not bad! I plan on returning very soon. The conversastion and visit with Tina was wonderful...she is just such an awesome person.....so down-to-earth, kind, hilarious, and generally just a great person to be around. Can't wait to see her again soon, too.
Went back home....cramps were KILLING me...and while I had a good time visiting and shopping with Tina, and was feeling like crapola, physically. After I got home....around 2:30pm.....I split a meatball sub with Dwayne from Subway....knowing I had plans to meet another friend and old co-worker for dinner at 5pm. Well Tasha ended up running a little late...she didn't get to Wild Wing Cafe til 5:30...and then it took us until 6pm to decide what we wanted. I ended up eating 3/4 of an order of fried mushrooms off the appetizer menu, 2 slider burgers with cheese, onion, pickle and ketchup...and the fries that came with it...every one of them. Not hideous enough yet??? Let me continue!!!
Before I left to meet Tasha....I had made dinner for Dwayne at the apt.....baked some bbq baby back ribs that I found on sale at Publix...and some homemade fries. Tasha and I hung out and talked at the restaurant til 8pm...then I ran by Publix and picked up a few things....getting home around 9pm....and what did I do? I ate again!!!! There were ribs and fries left....so I had 3 of the baby back ribs and 3 of the homemade fries. At this point I'm so miserable, physically and mentally, that I'm just ready to lay down and DIE. This is the worst weekend eating-wise that I've had in many, many months. Even when things were in chaos while I was having my garage sale, packing up my whole house, and getting moved....I didn't do NEAR as bad as I did this wknd. And for no good reason...I just didn't feel like trying. Yes, I felt like crap physically due to the bad cycle....but it's not a good enough reason to excuse what I did with my eating choices.
I'm feeling really stupid this morning...and bloated, and irritable, and sad...you name it..I'm feelin' it. :(
However....there has to come a point where the bad choices end and the good ones ensue. Today is that day. I was running late this morning...woke up feeling like garbage and just could not get motivated. I was late in getting out the door so didn't take time to pack my lunch, although my frig is stocked with healthy choices. For breakfast, I made a quick sandwich on wheat sourdough bread I got at the Farmer's Market and some 47% lower sodium Boar's Head turkey breast I got at Publix. I ate half of it.....deciced that was all I needed for breakfast, and wrapped up the other half and threw it in the frig. Got my shower, threw on some clothes and eye make-up and darted out the door. No lunch packed....but whatever I decide to get...it's going to be WAY better than anything I had over the weekend. And yes, I got on the scale this morning when I got out of bed....and you can probably imagine just how incredibly bad it was. Last Friday I was 249.something? This morning I was 256.something. Damn. Hmmm. Wonder how that happened...lol..just teasing. I know exactly how that happened...and now you do, too.
Moving on......have a great day friends....:)
Friday, August 13, 2010
Challenge Week 2 Weigh-In
Good morning everyone!!
Two weeks down....two to go!! How is everyone doing? I want to hear from you today!
My pic is hard to read, but it says 249.4. I was 250.2 last Friday, and my cycle showed up Monday morning. Beings that Mother Nature usually bestows about a 5 lb. gain from bloat on me, I think the fact that I still managed to lose .8 of a lb is a testament to the good job I did this week!!! Seriously, I'm thrilled that I did enough things right this week (nearly everything!) to combat the bloat and still show a loss.
Leave me a comment letting me know how you did! :)
************UPDATE************
If you follow 266, and even if you don't...check out her blog today!!!
She did a little video clip for her anniversary post and she finally SHOWED HER GORGEOUS FACE!!! There's all kinds of before, during, and after pics of her....remember when she carried the torch in the Olympics?? There are pics of it!! And pics of her dragon boating....all sorts of stuff....go to her blog today and congratulate her on her beautiful and inspiring transformation!
She's listed at the top of my blogroll on my sidebar..she's the very first one!
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