Before I started writing this post this morning, I went back and re-read all of the comments from yesterday's post. First of all, thank you for not kicking me while I was down, but instead, meeting me where I was at. Sometimes that's all a girl wants....to just be listened to. But you took it further than that....you let me know that you understood, some of you completely identified and had the same feelings, and some of you told me you loved me. (Damn, I'm crying again already!)
Someone said I made her cry because I was being so mean to myself, and asked if I would treat anyone else the way I treat myself. I'm sorry I made you cry my sweet friend....and no...of course I wouldn't treat anyone else the same. But your comment put me in mind of a phrase I heard several years ago. It resonates with me so much....."Everyone knows the one person in the world you can't forgive....is yourself."
As I said in yesterday's post...I don't completely and totally hate myself. I mentioned that there are several things that I like about myself...that's definitely true. I could make you a list...I just prefer not to. It's this one area of my life....the weight....that I loathe. It disgusts me. More specifically...it's the lack of self-control in this one area that disgusts me. I have plenty of self-control in other areas...one of them being my finances. I can stick to a budget like nobody's business. I do not live above my means. I haven't had a late bill in probably 10 years. I never bounce checks or overdraw my checking account. If I can't afford to do something or buy something...I simply don't do it. It's a non-issue and common sense. I get frustrated with myself that I haven't applied that kind of self-control and no-nonsense attitude to my food choices.
I said yesterday and I'll say it again....I'm proud of myself for making the decision to finally lose the weight (no matter how long it takes)....and I'm proud of myself for finally believing I'm worth it. I do think I'm worth it...and I do think I deserve it...and that's why I continue on this journey.
Thanks to all of you for the suggestions on doing workout DVD's in my home. Also for the suggestion of a treadmill or elliptical in my home. I have reasons for not doing either of those and I'm happy to share them with you. My sweet friend Rebecca, known as screwdestiny in Blogland, and my very first blog follower who wasn't a current friend or family member, sent me some DVD's quite a while back. I also bought Jillian Michael's 30-Day Shred. I was using these DVD's and loved them...but it turned out to be hazardous for my sweet puppy Scarlette. You know that part in Jillian's Shred where she tells you to jog in place and raise your heels as high as you can and kick yourself in the butt?? Well everytime I would jump around like that or try to jog in place, Scarlette would think I was playing or dancing with her and she'd jump around my feet and I'd kick her right in that precious little face. When I'd do the jumping jacks, she'd think we were playing again, and I'd end up stepping on her....I'm 250 lbs...she's 9 lbs...not good, lol. After several times of kicking my little puppy and stepping on her, I finally had to give up exercising inside the house. I can't put her in a room and lock her up while I'm doing it, because she scratches all the paint off the door to get back to me. It just wasn't working out, lol.
As far as the elliptical or a treadmill in my house....I've got weird views on that. Besides the fact that I have very limited space in my tiny 1 bedroom apt...I kind of never wanted to be one of those people who bought a piece of exercise equipment for their home, and then a month later was using it to gather dust and hang clothes on. If I know 10 people who own a treadmill, 9 of them are using it for this purpose and not the purpose intended. So I just kind of told myself I'd exercise outside the home...either make it a point to use the treadmill at the fitness center, like at my last apt I lived in before my parent's rental house...or go to the gym....those would be my "exercise zones"...a place where the only reason you're going is to actually exercise. It's a mindset for me, I guess.
Good ol' Leslie at Something Brilliant Is Brewing. I swear, sometimes I think she is my mirror image. So many of our thoughts are perfectly aligned. She mentioned in her comment yesterday that she wasn't offended when I say I hate myself because she immediately identifies with it. Bless her heart. She also said that she understood why I want to get back to exercising so bad....it's not just to drop weight faster and tone up...but it's to release the physical energy exerted on the self-loathing. YES!!!!! That's it...that's it exactly. You can't hate your inaction on the weight loss front when you're actively engaged in exercising....it frees my mind....I mentioned a noble feeling in yesterday's post after a workout....it does more for my mind and spirit than it will ever do for my body.
I'm kicking around some ideas. There's only one reason I've hesistated on the gym, and that's time away from Scarlette. I leave my house at 7:15am and I return home at 5:30pm....so I'm already away from her 10 hours a day. I have guilt over that. My plan for when the fitness center is open is to go straight from work to the fitness center....walk on the treadmill for 30-45 mins a day, and then into the apt to spend the rest of the evening with my baby. That puts me away from her for 11 hours a day. But if I join a gym or the Y....add on another 20 mins driving each way to get to the one I'm thinking of....and now I'm away from her for nearly 12 hours a day. It makes me sad, lol. I know this is silly and something I need to get over...I know this. I'm working on it. I wish the dang fitness center at the apt would just open and my problems would be solved. But on the other hand, I don't know if my mind can handle another month of inactivity. So I'm probably going to check out a gym this wknd that I think has a $15/mo, no-contract set up.
I'll keep you posted on what I decide to do. In the meantime...thank you all so much for reading what I write and sharing your own thoughts with me. I can't imagine doing this without you. Have a good day friends. :)
4 months ago