A food addict's travels on the road to recovery.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

About Yesterday...

Thank you.

Before I started writing this post this morning, I went back and re-read all of the comments from yesterday's post.  First of all, thank you for not kicking me while I was down, but instead, meeting me where I was at.  Sometimes that's all a girl wants....to just be listened to.  But you took it further than that....you let me know that you understood, some of you completely identified and had the same feelings, and some of you told me you loved me.  (Damn, I'm crying again already!) 

Someone said I made her cry because I was being so mean to myself, and asked if I would treat anyone else the way I treat myself.  I'm sorry I made you cry my sweet friend....and no...of course I wouldn't treat anyone else the same.  But your comment put me in mind of a phrase I heard several years ago.  It resonates with me so much....."Everyone knows the one person in the world you can't forgive....is yourself."

As I said in yesterday's post...I don't completely and totally hate myself.  I mentioned that there are several things that I like about myself...that's definitely true.  I could make you a list...I just prefer not to.  It's this one area of my life....the weight....that I loathe.  It disgusts me.  More specifically...it's the lack of self-control in this one area that disgusts me.  I have plenty of self-control in other areas...one of them being my finances.  I can stick to a budget like nobody's business.  I do not live above my means.  I haven't had a late bill in probably 10 years.  I never bounce checks or overdraw my checking account.  If I can't afford to do something or buy something...I simply don't do it.  It's a non-issue and common sense.  I get frustrated with myself that I haven't applied that kind of self-control and no-nonsense attitude to my food choices. 

I said yesterday and I'll say it again....I'm proud of myself for making the decision to finally lose the weight (no matter how long it takes)....and I'm proud of myself for finally believing I'm worth it.  I do think I'm worth it...and I do think I deserve it...and that's why I continue on this journey. 

Thanks to all of you for the suggestions on doing workout DVD's in my home.  Also for the suggestion of a treadmill or elliptical in my home.  I have reasons for not doing either of those and I'm happy to share them with you.  My sweet friend Rebecca, known as screwdestiny in Blogland, and my very first blog follower who wasn't a current friend or family member, sent me some DVD's quite a while back.  I also bought Jillian Michael's 30-Day Shred.  I was using these DVD's and loved them...but it turned out to be hazardous for my sweet puppy Scarlette.  You know that part in Jillian's Shred where she tells you to jog in place and raise your heels as high as you can and kick yourself in the butt??  Well everytime I would jump around like that or try to jog in place, Scarlette would think I was playing or dancing with her and she'd jump around my feet and I'd kick her right in that precious little face.  When I'd do the jumping jacks, she'd think we were playing again, and I'd end up stepping on her....I'm 250 lbs...she's 9 lbs...not good, lol.  After several times of kicking my little puppy and stepping on her, I finally had to give up exercising inside the house.  I can't put her in a room and lock her up while I'm doing it, because she scratches all the paint off the door to get back to me.  It just wasn't working out, lol.

As far as the elliptical or a treadmill in my house....I've got weird views on that.  Besides the fact that I have very limited space in my tiny 1 bedroom apt...I kind of never wanted to be one of those people who bought a piece of exercise equipment for their home, and then a month later was using it to gather dust and hang clothes on.  If I know 10 people who own a treadmill, 9 of them are using it for this purpose and not the purpose intended.  So I just kind of told myself I'd exercise outside the home...either make it a point to use the treadmill at the fitness center, like at my last apt I lived in before my parent's rental house...or go to the gym....those would be my "exercise zones"...a place where the only reason you're going is to actually exercise.  It's a mindset for me, I guess.

Good ol' Leslie at Something Brilliant Is Brewing.  I swear, sometimes I think she is my mirror image.  So many of our thoughts are perfectly aligned.  She mentioned in her comment yesterday that she wasn't offended when I say I hate myself because she immediately identifies with it.  Bless her heart.  She also said that she understood why I want to get back to exercising so bad....it's not just to drop weight faster and tone up...but it's to release the physical energy exerted on the self-loathing.  YES!!!!!  That's it...that's it exactly.  You can't hate your inaction on the weight loss front when you're actively engaged in exercising....it frees my mind....I mentioned a noble feeling in yesterday's post after a workout....it does more for my mind and spirit than it will ever do for my body. 

I'm kicking around some ideas.  There's only one reason I've hesistated on the gym, and that's time away from Scarlette.  I leave my house at 7:15am and I return home at 5:30pm....so I'm already away from her 10 hours a day.  I have guilt over that.  My plan for when the fitness center is open is to go straight from work to the fitness center....walk on the treadmill for 30-45 mins a day, and then into the apt to spend the rest of the evening with my baby.  That puts me away from her for 11 hours a day.  But if I join a gym or the Y....add on another 20 mins driving each way to get to the one I'm thinking of....and now I'm away from her for nearly 12 hours a day.  It makes me sad, lol.  I know this is silly and something I need to get over...I know this.  I'm working on it.  I wish the dang fitness center at the apt would just open and my problems would be solved.  But on the other hand, I don't know if my mind can handle another month of inactivity.  So I'm probably going to check out a gym this wknd that I think has a $15/mo, no-contract set up. 

I'll keep you posted on what I decide to do.  In the meantime...thank you all so much for reading what I write and sharing your own thoughts with me.  I can't imagine doing this without you.  Have a good day friends.  :)

11 comments:

  1. Hey friend! You sound better today, and that's good. Frankly I'd love to see you list of things you like about yourself! But at least take the time to write it out for YOU. Also a gratitude list - I know it sounds hokey but it can really help.

    There's a story in the AA Big Book where a doctor talks about his "magic magnifying mind". What he means is that whatever he keeps his mind focused on increases! When he focuses on stuff about his wife that annoy him - the annoyance increases. Same in reverse - if he focuses on positive aspects - THEY increase. I love this and see it in myself everyday. That's why a hokey gratitude list can help redirect our minds away from the stinkin' thinkin' that's so easy to get sucked into.

    Thank you for giving me a shout out - I also think we're twins separated at birth, born 18 years apart! We have so many similar tendencies - and I can't think of anyone I'd rather have for an unrelated twin than you! I hope this is a good day, and with God as my witness I am emailing you today - hopefully soon, except they're already bugging me at work!

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  2. Glad to hear you're feeling better today. I still say, though, stop beating yourself up. It's not good for the health!

    About your dog: could you take her for a brisk walk every day, rather than using the treadmill at the club? That way, you're with her and still moving your body. Just a suggestion.

    Treat yourself with love today and every day!

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  3. Sounds like you have a plan in motion...albeit on someone else's timetable (the workout center at your complex). Hopefully the work will be done sooner (rather than later) and you can get your miles logged on the treadmill and/or elliptical.

    Poor Miss Scarlette! She only thought you wanted to play with her...she didn't realize it was a risk to her health...(Although I realize that it's not funny funny...I did laugh at loud at the mental pic of Jillian yelling at you on the television and Scarlette under your feet!).

    We all have to do what works for us...and what works for me is obviously not the same as what might work for you...but you were presented with many suggestions and comments...so that's super cool! Hopefully you will find a super solution soon!

    (And I am in total agreement with Leslie's comment (if there was a Like or Love button, I am so there!!!)...we all need to do that gratitude list...I know that I tend to focus on the have-nots vs. the haves!).

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  4. I read your post yesterday, but just could not think of how to respond. Guys tend to want to "fix" things...we are not always good at just listening. I had no "fix" for you yesterday.

    But I am glad that you are feeling better today. Just keep moving forward, like the rest of us, and know that you definitely have a cheering section out here!

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  5. I'm glad to see you feeling a bit better today. You know, only you can determine what you do with any piece of exercise equipment you have. You're the only one who can determine not to be one of the 9 using it to hang clothes on. I don't blame you for not wanting to kick your precious dog. Maybe a baby gate? So she can still see you but not get to you?

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  6. I like Clyde's comment. Thanks for admitting that man.

    Having a plan (IMHO) is a major key to success. You can DO IT Tammy!

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  7. So when you talking about trying to exercise at home and having trouble with Scarlette getting in the way that reminds me of my cat sometimes. Sometimes she lives me alone when I'm exercising, sometimes she'll go around me. But I just let her because she's smart and if she gets a slight kick or something she will go out of the way. She's not a dog though so she doesn't think I'm trying to play.

    I think it's a good idea for you to just join a gym for this month. Exercise is so good for the mind and that way you won't be feeling bad about wanting to exercise but not being able to.

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  8. I was going to say same as NewMe suggested..after work take your walk with Scarlette. I realize it isn't YOUR usual exercise pace, but at least you are both outside moving. :)
    chrissy

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  9. Have no clue what to say for your exercise, but dog walking does work... Could you set up things like situps and jumping jacks for yourself? I only suggest this if you can be dedicated... I know I am not, but I *am* with walking my dog. (It helps that he's even more into it than I am, and gets me motivated...)

    Anyway, hugs,

    Cat

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  10. Have you thought about Wii Fit? I only did 15-30 minutes a day, but I'mn convinced it played a big role in the success I was having back when I was actually losing weight from Jan - April. No commute. No waiting for exrecise machines. No goofy workout outfits. No time away from home.

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  11. Both this and your previous post touched me to the core so much I wasn't able to comment right away. I've had all those feelings of self loathing and questioning but I'm learning that we really need to accept ourselves the way we are right now, not when we get to our goal weight. Maybe you can use your little baby as a 9 pound weight and do your strength training with her. ;) I'm sure you'll figure out the time schedule so you can get back to exercising and feeling good about yourself. When those negative thoughts pop into your head try to remember what I said ... "PLEASE DON'T TALK ABOUT MY FRIEND LIKE THAT - SHE'S BEAUTIFUL."

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