The Calm After The Storm

Get comfy.....this is gonna' be a long one.

I realize that the better part of my blog so far has been negative. I've thought about that, felt bad about it, figured I should change it to something more positive, and keep coming back around to the word "no". This blog is helping me worlds over because it's exactly what I want it to be most.....it's real. It's my day by day, sometimes hour by hour, real life struggle to beat my addiction to overeating. It would be nice if it was a "feel good" blog filled with inspirational quotes, healthy living tips, taste great-low cal recipes, etc. but that's not where I am yet. I'm in a daily struggle to beat the demons disguised as fat cells that have taken over and ruined my life. This is my blog, created to help me, and anyone who wants to follow me through the muck and the mire while I get to where I'm going is welcome and appreciated. If it helps someone in the process, then I'm happy about that. If it only serves the purpose to help me work through my addiction, then I couldn't be more thankful for it.

With that said, I've got some good news to report. I haven't eaten another morsel of food since the last blog I posted. Not one crumb. Considering how high my anxiety levels were earlier this afternoon, I can not be more PROUD of myself. I have stayed UNDER my calorie limit for the 2nd day in a row. Today is another win. :)

I've had a couple of private emails from friends who think I'm restricting my caloric intake too much due to the anxiety I'm expressing in my posts and my constant feeling of hunger. In case there are anymore of you out there who are thinking the same thing and are just too afraid to contact me about it, let me go ahead and address this issue once and for all for everyone to read. Here's my line of thinking. When I signed up at SparkPeople to record and follow my nutrition stats, I put in my current weight and my goal weight. They also asked for the date I wanted to lose it by. I set a goal of 10 lbs a month. Everyone knows the recommended amt. for healthy weight loss, and to keep it off, is 1-2 lbs/wk. My goal is 2.5/wk. That is hardly an outrageous number, but I purposely set it a little high above the recommended amt. in order to push myself a little harder. I have been lazy about taking care of my body for years. It's time for a little hard work.

When I put these goal weights and dates in, it spit out a # for me to follow. I feel like if I had entered an unreasonable date....say, I want to lose 92 lbs in 3 months.....they wouldn't have given me any numbers.....they would have given me a tutorial on what a healthy rate of weight loss is. Their website is awesome, chock full of information about getting and staying healthy, and I trust that they know what they're doing.

They gave me a range of 1200-1550 calories a day. They are telling me it's ok to eat only 1200 calories a day, and I'm choosing the max of 1550. The reason that I'm stressing each day to stay under this limit or as close to it as possible is because I'm already figuring I'll eventually screw up, and probably in a big way. So if I eat my limit for the day, totally lose my mind, and decide I need a turkey burger that's 350 calories, I'm still a ways under 2,000 & should be ok. However, give me an inch, and I'm liable to take 3 miles. If I up the limit to 1700-1800.....then I might eat 2100, or even more. Trust me people. I know me. I know my track record. There is a method to the madness, even if you don't see it, or don't agree with it. For those of you who have mentioned this to me, thank you. You're showing me that you care, that you're pulling for me, and I just love you to pieces. :)

Now for how I managed to not eat anything for the rest of the day. First off, I told myself I needed to calm down. I needed to slow down, stop freaking, breathe, think, chill. I had blogged and gotten it out of my system and it was time to relax and not screw this up royally. Rebecca from "screwdestiny" had commented on one of my previous blogs and left me a good quote. I can't remember the exact words but the jist of it is that people put more importance on what they want now, ahead of what they want most. It's been running through my head all afternoon. I've been concentrating on what I want most. I kept putting off eating anything, waiting to see how long I could go. I did some laundry, washed dishes and cleaned my kitchen, took a long bath, called a friend on the phone and chatted for a while....I thought about eating, but I just held it in the back of my mind and brought other things to the forefront. I also kept thinking about Lyn at EscapefromObesity. She says to just slow down and think about what you're doing, or about to do. That's what I did.

Shane called to say he had decided to go to the food trough otherwise known as Golden Corral. I could have killed him for that. It was seafood night. Have I mentioned that seafood is my favorite food in the world? Of course, it wouldn't have been great seafood at a place like that....but some shrimp are better than no shrimp. I thought about it. For about 10 seconds. Nope. Not gonna' do it. Out of the question.....time to play fetch with the dog! I did that. Time to watch a new show on TV you've never seen before! I did that, too.

I did lots of stuff, but what I didn't do is overeat. I did not exceed my limit. I made it through another day. Thank you God for giving me the strength to resist a binge and the perseverance to press on towards my goal. Here are my stats for today:

Goal:

Calories 1550

Today's Amt.:

Calories 1523

There's one more thing I've been thinking about all through the day. My parents have become faithful followers of my blog. I have been blessed with the most loving, supportive, encouraging, completely wonderful parents in the world. They just don't come any better and I thank God for them every single day. Dad emailed me a couple of times this morning, and on the last email he sent one sentence. He doesn't say a whole lot, so when he does, I try to pay attention. He said, "There's no truer statement than mind over matter". He's right. Making your mind up is the biggest part of the battle, no matter what you're dealing with. One of the things he's told me over and over all through life is that I can do anything I want to if I put my mind to it. I can be anything I want to be. Do you know what the awesome power is in that statement? He actually believes that about me. And sometimes.....that's all it takes. :)

Hey Dad....make sure you check the blog before lunchtime tomorrow so I can tell you how far I walked on the treadmill. I think I've finally got my focus. I'm gonna' beat this thing. :)