A food addict's travels on the road to recovery.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Calories for Friday were 1500
Calories for Saturday were 1409
Calories for today are 1550
Great workout Friday and Saturday....too damn sick to make it to the gym today. I said I was shooting for a 5 lb. loss this week. Now, I'm changing that. I hope I can just maintain and not GAIN this week. I don't know how bad this is going to get and how soon I can make it back to the gym. Blah. Somebody shoot me.
Friday, November 27, 2009
I weighed yesterday morning, just to see where I was before I ate TWO Thanksgiving meals. I was 229 lbs. This morning I was 232 lbs. I'm recording this as my official weigh-in because I ate like a moron this week and I deserve it. I gained 9.6 lbs. this week and I am soooo over the depression eating. I'm over it....I'm done. Time to get back in the game.
I'm still having a hard time with the break up. As a matter of fact, after I went to the gym this morning and put in a great 1 1/2 hr workout, I met up with my sister Brandy and cried about half the time we were together....which was a 5 hour time period. She wanted to talk about it. She wanted to know what happened, why didn't he want me anymore, why didn't he want to marry me, what went wrong.....don't you just love those questions when you're already feeling pretty damn worthless and unloveable???
This is the exact reason I've been trying to blockade myself in my house and stay away from people. I like to go through this kind of crap alone. I do not like answering people's questions about painful emotional bullsh*t like this. I appreciate support and concern...but I do not like to be drilled. The truth is, I don't have any answers. I don't know why I wasn't good enough or why our worlds never melded together the way I wanted them to. But we don't always get to know the answers, which can definitely be the hardest part. Asking me about it though is pouring salt in the wound. So today sucked.
Yesterday sucked too. The first half was good....my roommate Shane and his girlfriend (and my gym buddy) Billie decided to move their Thanksgiving dinner to my house and Shane's parents came along, as well as Billie's daughter Kandice. Billie had an amazing spread of food and it was all beautiful and delicious. I was really impressed, because she kept telling me she's not a great cook. She lied, lol. I appreciated the thought, too. They did it so I wouldn't be alone.
Well it ended up that I wasn't going to be alone....I was going to be at Dwayne's Mom's house. He asked me on more than one occasion since we broke up last week to please make the effort to come, even though he knew it would be difficult for both of us. His mom specifically asked him to invite me, to which I said no the first time. Then a couple of days later....she told him to ask me AGAIN....that she really wanted to see me and Scarlette. I caved the second time, because I really love her, and didn't want to disrespect her in any way.
I had a great time visiting Judy and her friend Nat. He's a cute little old Italian man and he's great fun to talk to. Towards the end of dinner, much to our surprise, he exclaimed, "Judy....I'm drunk!", to which I promptly spewed some stuffing out of my mouth with my uncontrollable laughter. Everyone was laughing.....he only had 1 glass of red wine we thought....then he told us that was his 2nd one, and he can't hold his liquor anymore, lol. Unfortunately, Dwayne and I only said maybe 5 words to each other during the entire 2 hour visit. I felt sad for him, because he was very clearly being excluded while I engaged Judy and Nat in lively conversation....but I knew if I put my focus on him, I'd end up in tears and ruin the holiday for everyone. It was just sad.
When Dwayne was walking me out, his mom called him back in the house to ask him a question. I knew it was about me. He came back out and said that she wanted to know if I'd come back over in December to get the gift that she was going to have for me and also a gift for Scarlette. I just stared at him as if to say, "Are you serious???". He begged me....said please, I know it's hard, but please just do it for Mom...she loves you and Scarlette so much...please come back one more time. I just rolled my eyes and said okay. I cried for most of the rest of the night.
I know that I will continue to see Dwayne on and off for a while so I need to get over the crying. He is Scarlette's Daddy and just as much in love with her as I am. He's cared for her in every way....bought her everything she's ever needed since the night he brought her home to me. I remember that night. It was Dec. 8th of last year. He found a breeder in Macon, which was about a 2-2 1/2 hour drive one way. He took the day off work and went and got her, getting lost along the way. He made the long drive back, calling his mom on the way, asking her to pick up a bag of dog food, some pee pads, and a leash and collar for her, so I'd have something for her the first night. He was planning on buying anything else she needed the next day.
Well when he got to his mom's house with the baby, she had a HUGE bag packed. She went out and bought the things he asked for, along with a brand new pink puppy bed, a baby blanket, treats, toys, a food and water bowl, flea spray, shampoo, conditioner, vinegar to clean up pee spots in case she had an accident (she was only 4 months old), and some medicine she got from the vet for her peekapoo, in case she had a seizure, because peekapoo's are prone to that at a young age.....oh, and a child gate to keep her pinned in the kitchen when I went to work, so she couldn't pee on the carpet.
Can you see why I love this woman? Dwayne, being so concerned over the new puppy and not wanting her to be left alone, took the next 3 days off work JUST to stay at my apt with her so she wouldn't be alone. He took her to the vet the next day and paid a $200 vet bill to get her caught up on all of her shots, and he's paid every vet bill since then, including the one where we got her spayed at 6 months old. She stole his heart immediately. So I just don't have it in me to keep her away from him. That's not something I'm going to do.
So....I'm going to do my best to get through the holiday season, and hopefully by January, I'll be feeling a little stronger and things will get a little easier. I have hope that they will.
My plan this week is to eat 1500 cals a day each day, and workout at the gym all 7 days. I'm sitting at 1500 cals right now for today and I'm done eating. I've finally got my focus back. Normally, I'd be keeping it at 1700 since it netted me a 3 lb loss a couple of weeks in a row.....but I've done so much damage this week, that I need to work a little harder to undo it. So we'll see what I can get off by next Friday's weigh-in...I'm praying at least 5 lbs....because I really don't think the 9.6 lbs I gained is all fat...some of it has to be water weight.
I hope everyone had a truly magnificent Thanksgiving with friends and family. I'm looking forward to getting back in the groove and back to Blogland where I belong. :)
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Coming off my meds
Inspiration in Blogland
Dropping from 340 lbs. to 232 lbs.
My puppy Scarlette
A car that runs
Food to eat
Clothes to wear
A cool home in the summer
A warm home in the winter
My bills are paid
Troops that fight for my freedom
Living in the greatest country on Earth
Making contact with Brittany
Memories of loved ones past
Happy Thanksgiving to all of my American friends, and to ALL of my friends...no matter what day it is....always remember to count your blessings. :)
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
The last post I did garnered more comments than I've ever received before. I have no words that would be adequate enough to say thank you for the outpouring of support. I've also received a few emails from people who took the time to reach out to me on a more personal level. I'm amazed, and just so thankful. It doesn't matter to me that I've never met any of you face-to-face...you've been the best group of friends a girl could ever have. Hugs to each and everyone of you.
There's been some really retarded eating going on....shameful stuff. I hate reporting it, and to tell you the truth, I almost didn't. I considered the accountability factor for myself....and then said that's hogwash...I know what I've done...I don't need to go back and re-read it at any point to remind myself.
I'll tell you why I decided to lay it out there. It's to keep the honesty factor in this blog consistent. It helps to type out all the crap, it really does. It helps me mentally and emotionally to just spill my guts. It's like a release, and keeping all the junk bottled up can be toxic. At least for me.
The other reason I decided to go ahead and post about the last few days is because since I started this blog, I've gotten several emails from different people telling me that it inspires them and helps them feel like they're not alone. Even the negative fodder. I know all about feeling alone and it sucks. I'm not talking about relationship-wise. I'm talking about the solitude that comes with being overweight, or obese. Fat is an insulator. It blocks out a lot of things. I could do a whole in-depth post on this, and maybe I will one day, but if you're feeling alone inside you're obesity, then you totally get what I'm saying. So I decided to keep the honesty going in hopes that it might help someone else.
Let's back up to Friday. I weighed 222.4, satisfied that I lost 3.6 lbs with that weigh-in. I bragged about being .4 of a lb. away from losing 50 lbs., and that I was only 23 lbs. away from Onederland. My how things can change in a week....or only 5 days, actually.
Friday I overate, having Thanksgiving dinner at my parents and really not caring about portion control. In fact, I can't even say I really enjoyed it. It tasted great, sure, but I remember I was feeling zombie-like. I was heart-broken, had a 2-day headache going on, and was trying to concentrate on not breaking down in tears at the dinner table. I ate to the point of misery. It was odd. My stomach was poking out like a basketball and it was rock hard. I made my mom feel it. I haven't felt like that in a while....back before I started blogging, in fact.
Saturday was really bad. I didn't just overeat at one meal....I treated my body like a garbage disposal ALL DAY. Dwayne normally comes over on Friday nights and stays all day/evening on Saturday. It's been that way forever, and I was like a little girl lost with a full Saturday in front of me and no Dwayne. I had nothing to do but sit at home, cry, and eat. I knew I wasn't ready to go to the gym yet, simply because I couldn't control the crying (sobbing, really), and I didn't want people staring at me if I couldn't hold it together. But Billie asked me to go, so I did. I made it 30 mins on the treadmill, about 2 miles, and then the song "Kryptonite" came on my MP3 player and I just lost it. I kept walking, and crying, and by the time I hit 2.5 miles, I still couldn't get it dried up, so I told Billie I had to leave. We didn't stay to do the weight machines.
Sunday I told myself I needed to reign the calories back in, and started counting them again. But the desire just wasn't there. If this were a normal week, I would have eaten 1700, but I ended up at 1800 that day. Billie asked me to go to the gym again, and I did. This time I actually had a great workout. I made it all the way through the treadmill and the weight machines and back to my car before the tears fell again.
Monday, I went and got all of my hair chopped off. I thought a change would make me feel a little better. In a way it does, in a way it doesn't. I just hate my hair period. Hate it. It's very, very thin..constantly falling out and has been for years. I've heard it's because of my thyroid, then I heard it's because of the diabetes, and then I heard that I'm just unlucky. I heard all of that from 3 different doctors in the last few years, by the way. I put some Clairol Natural Instincts non-permanent hair color on it to cover the gray. Pam told me the exact color to get to match my natural color the best. I was thankful for that, because I didn't want to change the color....just cover the gray...and that's what it did. Back off the wagon with the food again though on Monday....I knew I needed to get a grip before things got too far out of hand, but truly, I just didn't care. I didn't feel like caring. That would have taken more effort than I could muster up. And I didn't go to the gym. Billie had to cancel and it was the perfect excuse for me to lay on the sofa with Scarlette and do nothing.
This morning, I had a dr's appt. I weighed myself before I went and just cried my eyes out. I got to the dr's ofc, and their scale said the exact same thing. 232 lbs. I've gained 10 lbs. in 4-5 days. No, it's not 10 lbs. of fat. Mother Nature dropped in for a Thanksgiving visit today, so I know some of it is bloating. Also, I've been eating a lot of stuff out of the freezer....easy stuff that you just heat in the microwave...and all of that crap food is loaded with sodium. I'm ballparking here, but maybe 5 lbs of water weight and 5 lbs of fat? Who knows.
It became very apparent to me today though that sad or not, it's time to separate the food from the emotions. It has to be done. The last thing I need is to gain my weight back. How stupid is that? Just when I think I can't feel any worse....and then I'm sabotaging my own self. I had already eaten 1600 calories today by 2pm when I made the decision to turn this around, so that's what time I stopped eating today. It's nearly 1am right now, as I'm typing this, and my stomach is growling. Haven't eaten in 11 hours and it sucks. However, I'm so shaky with the eating right now, that if I would have allowed myself 200 more calories this evening....I know just how easily it could have turned into 1,000.
Billie and I made it to the gym tonight, but I was late. I didn't get there til 8pm and she already had her cardio done, so we did the weight machines together. It took almost an hour. She left, and I got on the treadmill. I was 10 mins into my walk when they started turning lights off. That's when I realized they closed early tonight....at 9pm instead of 10pm. So my cardio was cut way short.
Billie and I are meeting at the gym tomorrow, sometime mid-morning. I'm going to do my best to keep everything in check and shoot for another 1600 calorie day. Let's hope I make it. Things really can turn on a dime for me right now. I do not have my focus back where it needs to be....I'm just grasping at it....making an effort.
I've been talking to Dwayne a little in email, but I'll save that for tomorrow's post, since this one is already ridiculously long. No, we're not getting back together. Can you believe we're discussing visitation rights over our puppy Scarlette??? Don't judge. You all know how crazy I am. Also, instead of having no Thanksgiving dinner to go to, I now have 2.....and one of them is at Dwayne's mom's house. I'll give you all the details tomorrow on how that came about. It's all about respect for his mom. Insanity.
You now know that Friday's weigh-in is going to completely suck, but I'm going to post it anyway. Honesty...and all that jazz. Thanks for reading about my crazy life. Maybe it will make yours feel a little more sane. :)
Friday, November 20, 2009
I broke up with Dwayne on Thursday, my boyfriend of the last 5 1/2 years. I thought I had finally found the one, but I was wrong. He's a great guy in a lot of ways and helped me in many ways. He's given me gift after gift, and money to keep my head above water since I became unemployed this past February. He also gave me Scarlette as a Christmas gift last year....and she's my one little spot of sunshine amidst all the darkness that I'm surrounded by.
Nothing major went wrong....no fight, no infidelity, nothing that serious. As much as we love each other, we're just not meant to be together forever. Our beliefs, values, priorities....the real fundamentals of life....are just too different for us to make it. It saddens me to no end. I've been crying pretty solid since this happened Thursday afternoon. The truth is, I should have done this a long time ago, but I didn't. I didn't want to be without him, or just alone, period. When I made the break, he told me that he was tired of not acknowledging the 800 lb. gorilla in the room when it comes to marriage and that I have more guts than he does. In other words, he knew we weren't going to make it long-term, too, but couldn't find a way to break it off himself.
I'm guessing it's because he knows that I lost 3 good friendships earlier this year. That I've lost my job. And that basically, he was my only real tie to sanity and some form of happiness right now. So for that reason, I appreciate him letting me get to a point where I finally decided it was time for us to part ways. He was trying not to hurt me or cause me to lose any more than I've already lost this year, and for that I am grateful.
Dwayne was my rock in many ways and now I feel lost. I called Pam today and told her that I feel like I can't breathe....like I'm suffocating. I'm just enveloped in a gloomy, dark sadness and unfortunately life doesn't have a fast-forward button. You just have to sit here and go through it....feel it....every bit of it. You have to deal with 5 years of memories playing over and over in your head and blow your clogged nose 500x a day. I can't tell you how many Excedrin Migraine I've taken in the last 2 days for the splitting headache that just will not go away.
Yesterday, when my calories were at 1140, the frantic feeling of everything hit me and I knew I was fixing to go on a major binge if I stuck one more bite of food in my mouth. I stopped eating right then, at 1140 calories, which was around 3pm, and didn't eat anything else between then and 1am, when I finally fell asleep. It was either going to be 1140 calories, or it was going to be 4-5000.
So I made it through yesterday.
Today I've overeaten, but it hasn't been in binge fashion. We had Thanksgiving dinner at mom's house because her and the rest of my family are going out of town to visit my grandparents for Thanksgiving next week and I can't afford to go with them. I was supposed to be having Thanksgiving dinner with Dwayne and his mom at her house. Now I'll be spending it alone at home. Do I know how to eff up the holidays or what??
I'm going to tell you the truth. I don't want to give up on the weight loss thing, but at the same time, I don't feel like trying right now either. I don't know how long it will be before the clouds move out and the sun shines on me again. I pray it's fairly soon, but for now, I guess I'm kind of going on hiatus. I don't know when I'll go back to the gym. I didn't go Thursday or today. Billie wants me to meet her there when they open at 8am tomorrow, but if I get sporadic sleep like I did last night, then I'm not going to make it there that early. My body is exhausted, but I can't seem to shut my mind off so I can rest.
I'm been crying for 2 days now, and my eyes are puffy and swollen and burning. How long does it take to run out of tears? I am truly sorry for such a crappy post...I don't want sympathy, that's not the reason for writing about this. I just wanted everyone to know what was going on if you don't see regular posts for the next little while. I'm taking it one hour at a time until I can get a grip again. I'll leave you with a little tip. If you're in a good relationship, cherish it. If you're in a bad one, don't axe it before the holidays...wait til January.
I weighed in at 222.4 this morning, for a loss of 3.6 lbs. This is what I did this week to achieve that loss:
Fri - 2000
Sat - 1700
Sun - 1700
Mon - 1700
Tues - 1700
Wed - 1800
Thur - 1140 (bad day)
I exercised 5 days this week, from Sat-Wed, that included the treadmill for cardio and 3 reps on each weight machine, each of those 5 days. Our workouts take about an hour and a half to complete.
I realized this morning that I'm only .4 of a lb. from the 50 lbs lost mark, and only 23 lbs away from Onederland. That's good news! Hope everyone has a fabulous weekend!! :)
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Tammy asked me to guest post for her tonight - she's got some things going can't get on to post this evening, and since she didn't post last night, she didn't want to go two days during the week without a post, so here I am!
I was planning on talking about this on my own blog, so I'll just hijack my own post....
On both The Today show and The CBS Early Show this morning, they touched on a new report on a not so new subject of the perils of popcorn, more specifically, movie theater popcorn.
I can easily remember in my younger, more "I don't give a care what I am shoving into my body" days, walking into a theater and plopping down with a big ol bag of popcorn, a big, sweet soda and clutching a beautiful box of candy in my other hand, all ready to enjoy whatever I came to see. Of course, before the lights went dim for the previews, I had already inhaled my bounty, and usually had a little soda left to sip on throughout the show.
Of course, over the last few years, we have heard about the unbelievable caloric totals that the popcorn at most theaters, but a new study went a little more in depth.
Here are a few excerpts from The Today Show Article:
New laboratory tests conducted by the non-profit Center for Science in the Public Interest reveal that a $12 medium-popcorn-and-soda combo sold at Regal, the country’s largest movie-theater chain, contains 1,610 calories and 60 grams of saturated fat — the equivalent of three McDonald’s Quarter Pounders with 12 pats of butter.I think back at how I used to eat so haphazardly and am surprised I was able to make it to 38. It also makes me very aware of the perils that are still out there, and how so many people choose to ignore them. The article also mentioned how some theaters tried to offer more healthy options a few years ago (1994), and they all flopped significantly.
At AMC theaters, serving sizes are smaller but can still pack a wallop. A large popcorn has 1,030 calories and 57 grams of saturated fat — the equivalent of a pound of baby back ribs topped with a scoop of Häagen-Dazs ice cream, but with more fat.
At Cinemark, which pops its popcorn in heart-healthy canola oil, a large popcorn has 910 calories with 4 grams of saturated fat. “Though popping in canola gives this chain’s popcorn far less saturated fat than its competitors, it’s almost as high in calories and has the most sodium — about twice as much as Regal or AMC,” the Center for Science in the Public Interest said in a statement.
The giant sodas served at the movies also take a toll, the study said. To name just one example, a 54-ounce large soda at Regal has 33 teaspoons of sugar and 500 empty calories.
And don’t forget about the candy: A 5-ounce bag of Twizzlers contains 15 teaspoons of sugar. A 7-ounce box of Nerds contains 46 teaspoons of sugar. And an 8-ounce bag of Reese’s Pieces contains 1,160 calories and 35 grams of saturated fat.
One point, however, is that none of the theaters offer nutritional information to their patrons, and while in general, the "people just have no idea what they are eating" excuse is a dumb one, I do think seeing this information could possibly deter a few individuals from making these choices.
I know that a movie is a special treat that most of us do not have as a frequent occurrence in our day to day activities, so special treats seem to deserve allowances for extra indulgences, don't you agree? But, when you consider a drink, a popcorn and a box of candy combined has potentially 3,270 calories, and copious grams of saturated fats, sugars and sodium, is a movie really worth it?
I say smuggle in your own air popped popcorn, a bottle of water and enjoy the show!
Pam: Journey To The Healthier Side of Life
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
I heard some really bad news today about someone that I love. It doesn't affect me directly, but to them....for their life....it's devastating. My heart aches for them. Not long after I heard the news, maybe an hour or so, I felt an old, familiar feeling coming over me. The binge feeling. It always shows up in a helpless, hopeless situation, and before 5 months ago, I always gave in to it, without even much of a thought, really.
Well not today. I felt it, and for a change, I actually RECOGNIZED it for what it was BEFORE I shoved anything in my mouth. Next was the decision on whether or not to give in to it. The first amazing thing was that I even took the time to make a decision. The second amazing thing is that I decided not to give in. I chose me over the heartache. I chose my health, and all the progress I've made, and the goal I've got my eyes fixed on over the stupid eating.
I think this means I'm finally learning to compartmentalize. I have been yearning to learn this new skill. It's a tough one to get a grip on, but once you start to, what a feeling of freedom. If I keep practicing this, it's going to make me free from obesity forever.
It doesn't mean that I don't care about this person, or the tragedy they're trying to deal with right now. In fact, it means just the opposite. We can't be there to help our family and friends through problems in their life if we're dead from a heart attack, stroke, diabetes, etc. None of us can. It's a matter of separating the feelings and how you deal with them. Losing my weight, and dealing with the way I got obese in the first place, is starting to become a separate issue from everything else that happens in my life....good or bad.
While grieving for my loved one today, I felt frantic, nervous, helpless, out of control....and I felt like my hands wanted to be doing something (shoving food into my face), and like my mouth wanted to be chewing on that food. It's a knee jerk reaction for me, because I've done this very thing for what....20 years??
So instead of bingeing, I told myself no, I know what's going on here, and I'm changing my life. This is not the way I will continue to react to these situations. I ended up chomping on some sugar-free chewing gum while I busied my hands cleaning out my closet. I packed up a big box of clothes that are too big for me now, and got everything else in there organized. I downed a couple of 32 oz. glasses of water to make my stomach feel super full, and that's how I got through it.
After such a mentally exhausting afternoon, I started thinking that I didn't want to go to the gym tonight with Billie like we planned to do at 6pm. I told myself I was just too tired. This was the first time I told myself I wasn't going since I joined about a month ago. It was such a foreign feeling, because I LOVE going to the gym. Exercise is not just good for you physically, but it's sooooo good for you mentally. You get to work out all of your stresses and Lord knows there's plenty of those, aren't there?
That's when I realized that the gym was EXACTLY where I needed to be. I told myself that if I can just make myself get there, and especially during the really rough times, then I've got this thing licked. I beat the binge, and I was going to beat the exhaustion and get to the gym. That's what I did. I did Day 2 on the C25K (the first 3 days on Week One are all the same), and I finished a lot stronger than I did a couple of days ago. I also did 3 reps on all the machines in my weight circuit. It takes us about 1 1/2 hours for our workouts, and it's the best hour and a half of my day.
I came in at 1700 calories again today, and took a little peek at the scale when I got out of bed this morning, to see how things were going. I weighed exactly the same this morning as I did last Friday. Huh? Not sure what's up with that, but it's only mid-week, so no need to fret. My crazy a$$ body has been known to add and drop 7 lbs in a single day. The only day that matters is Friday, so I'll just keep plugging along and we'll see how it works out. 'Nite friends. :)
Quote For the Day:
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." -Dale Carnegie
Monday, November 16, 2009
I've never tried to even look her up on Facebook before because after her mom ended our emails a couple of years ago I figured that she'd block my attempt. Just on a whim today, I thought, "What the hell?", and I sent her a friend request and a short message wishing her a happy birthday this week.
Just a few minutes ago, I got an email telling me she confirmed my friend request and wrote a message back. I was half expecting it to be her mom, but it was her. She thanked me for the birthday wishes, added me as a friend, and we exchanged 4 or 5 short messages. I assured her that sending her a message for her birthday was my reason for contacting her, and that it was not my intent to upset her mom. She told me that since she's older now, she doesn't think her mom will have a problem with it. (Yeah, RIGHT....we'll see how that ends up).
I scrolled down her page and looked at her photos. Her mom had sent me 4 pics of her a couple of years ago, but I saved them to my work computer like a dumba$$....and then got laid off and forgot to move them to my laptop or desktop at home! Then I saw where she told another friend on her home page what her cell phone # was.....and then I saw where she was in Kennesaw Saturday night visiting a friend (20 minutes down the road from me, where I used to live before I moved here in September).
At that point, I was like, "Ok....this is information overload...I don't want to know her phone # unless she offers it....I don't need to know she was an arm's length away from me a couple of days ago....time to get off of Facebook Tammy". So I did....I told her goodnight and that she could shoot me a note whenever she felt like it.....she said she would and that was that. All kind of surreal really. Yesterday night was all full of tears and memories (that was a HARD post to write, even as short as it was).....and then the very next night I'm chatting with her. ??? My brain is totally fried now, lol, but at the same time, it almost feels like I've been holding my breath and now I can let it out. I feel relief.....and I welcome it. Funny how a little 5 minute exchange can make me feel worlds better. And thanks to each of you who left a comment on my last post or shared a private email with me....I love you all for reaching out...means more to me than I could ever express.
On to weight loss stuff!! Let's back up to Friday. I took a "free day" with the eating, which means I ate stuff that I wouldn't normally eat, and more calories. However, I made the decision not to eat out at any restaurants, or even a Subway. I cooked everything at home. I had tuna salad, made with WHOLE eggs, which you know I rarely eat. And I added more lite mayo than I normally do, along with onions and dill pickles....just the way I like it. :) I also made one of my favorite comfort foods for dinner...old-fashioned chicken and rice.....white rice!! Which, again, I very rarely eat these days. And I had TWO bowls, instead of just one. I think I guesstimated the calories pretty well and ended up around 2000....perfectly happy.
Sat, Sun and today I ate 1700 calories and that's kept me satisfied so far. I plan to keep to this number for the next 3 days before weigh-in. I also plan to continue the 6 days in the gym before the next weigh-in, just like I've been doing. My workouts last about 1.5 hours, and they're feeling better and better. Billie and I changed the way we're doing them this past weekend. Instead of running through the whole circuit of weight machines, and then doing round 2....we decided to stay on each machine until we did 3 reps on each, and then moving to the next....so that we're only moving through the circuit once. It makes your muscles burn more this way and that pain makes me happy. I know, I'm sick. :)
Also, I downloaded the podcast for Robert Ullrey's C25K about a month and a half ago and have been too chicken to even try it....fearing I wouldn't even be able to do Day 1 without doing a face plant on the treadmill. Billie had already started it last week I think it was, so I knew my turn was coming. I finally bit the bullet and tried it yesterday. It has 8 separate 1 minute jogs, with 1.5 mins of walking inbetween. I got to the beginning of 7 and thought I would surely die, but I pressed on, and I made it through all 8!!! The problem is, who knows how many times I'll have to do Day One over and over? lol
I'm going to attempt to do Day Two tomorrow, and we'll see how it goes....but you can't believe how unbelievably proud I am that I even made it through the first day. I cranked up the volume on the podcast and let the fat fly!!! Fat Tammy was jogging baby!!
I'm super tired so I'm headed to bed now. I've got a feeling this is going to be a GREAT week!! I hope I've found the right calorie amount now, and will see another loss this Friday. If not, prepare yourselves for an cuss-filled post this Friday morning. :)
Quote For the Day:
"Just don't give up trying to do what you really want to do. Where there's love and inspiration, I don't think you can go wrong." -Ella Fitzgerald
Sunday, November 15, 2009
I was watching a reality TV show a few months back, and the woman on the show mentioned that she, too, had given up a child for adoption. She knew where he was, but he'd never been a part of her life. Although this woman had a full and happy life, with more children that came later, she said it felt like there was always something missing....a wound that had never healed and probably never would. When her son turned 18, her husband got in contact with her son and brought him home to her. She said that was the day her husband pulled the dagger out of her heart. Naturally, I crumpled into a crying heap.
I had never heard it put that way before, but it was an accurate description. I knew her pain....really knew it. I still do. Brittany turns 18 this week. I heard a couple of years ago that she wanted to talk to me. We live in the same state, but not in the same city. I finally found her mom and we emailed. She allowed Brittany and I to exchange a few emails that lasted about a week, and then her mom ended the contact. Brittany told me that her mom was afraid she'd love me more than her.
I can't proclaim to fully understand all the fears that come along with being an adoptive parent, but I can only imagine that they're horrific. With no blood ties, there has to be a fear that never goes away for her mom.....just like there's a pain that never goes away for me. So I don't judge her mom. I'm thankful for the few emails that we did get to exchange....it's more than a lot of biological parents get.
The last I heard, Brittany was praying for a softball scholarship to go to the college she likes the most, in another state. I really don't know if I'll ever talk to her again. I know the possibility is always there, and if it happens, I'll welcome it. If not, I'll learn to live with it, and be thankful that we had just enough exchanges in that one special week for her to know that I never hated her...I was just too young, naive, and I thought at the time, incapable of taking care of her the way her adoptive parents have.
She's got a great life that's been filled with lots of opportunities and extra-curricular activities that I doubt I would have ever been able to provide her with. She has two loving parents who think she's the most precious jewel on this earth....so really, what more can I ask for? I thank God that she's alive, and well, and thriving....and I have hope that she will make much wiser choices at the tender age of 18 than I did. Happy Birthday Brittany....I love you.
Friday, November 13, 2009
More good news!! With this loss, I reached 2 mini-goals this week!! 45 lbs lost marked my next 15 lb. mini-goal, which means it's time for a little reward! And making it to the 46 lbs. lost marker means that I'm officially HALF WAY TO GOAL!! When I started, I had 92 lbs. to lose....I've lost 46, so only 46 more to go!! It's all downhill from here friends!! :)
Quote For the Day:
"The groundwork of all happiness is health." -Leigh Hunt
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
I emailed with one friend today who thinks I'm being too negative with myself. They're afraid that I'll doom myself and undo all the good work I've done if I continue with the self-loathing. I thought about this for several hours today to see if that's really what I am doing. I've decided it's not. I don't hate myself, per se. I don't call myself "fat" names anymore....I stopped that a long time ago. And I'm extremely proud of what I've accomplished so far, because as we all know, getting the mental part of the process right is damn hard.
I get what they're saying, and it makes my heart smile to know that their concern comes from a place of true love and caring for me. Their opinion will always be welcome. But I don't really think that's where my true problem lies. However, there are a couple of people who comment that know exactly where I'm coming from....they totally "get it".
Jack Sh*t always pops over and comments on my weigh-in Friday mornings. He basically told me to get my butt in gear, because I posted that I've been flitting around with the same pound or two for 3 weeks now. His advice was to get my act together and do it right this week. I love that....he gets it...totally. He tells me what I LOVE to hear....get it right, get it done...and do it now. Not next week...not next month....do it now.
Another person named Marcelle, the chic from South Africa that's now living in Germany (listed on my blogroll), left a great comment on my last post. Regarding eating 1800 cals the last 3 days, when I set the goal at 1600, told her that I'm losing my focus. She's spot on...she hit the nail on the head. Losing my focus is EXACTLY what I've done this week. And I hate it. I don't hate ME...I hate my actions. They're unacceptable to me.
My mindset when it comes to losing this weight is simple. I'm either going to do it...or I'm not. I made The Decision to do it....and to work on it continually until I reach my goal weight of 180. I will have gone from 340 lbs that I carried on my 5'10 frame, to a curvy, healthy 180 lbs. that I plan on displaying quite proudly for a total loss of 160 lbs. That will be an astounding accomplishment for me, and I'm betting the one thing I've done in my life that I am MOST proud of. Chances are, I'll drop another 10 lbs or so while I'm trying to get comfy with maintenance, but the day I get to 180 lbs is the day I'm celebrating!!!
When I first started, I gave myself a monthly goal of 10 lb. losses. Along the way, I decided to drop that monthly goal, and make my new goal consistency. I want to get my calories to where they match my fitness level, for a consistent, healthy loss of 2 lbs. a week. Yes, I'm bright enough to realize that it might not always show up like that on a weekly basis...but if it balances out to around 7-8 lbs a month, then I feel like I have reached the consistency level that I'm aiming for.
We all know that each of our journeys and our goals within that journey are different. Some of us don't care how long it takes. It's enough for them to know that they have changed their eating habits to healthier ones, and therefore, changed their lives. That is just beyond awesome....what we should all be shooting for ultimately is great health. Others of us have a more specific time frame in mind because we're driven by deadlines, timeframes, etc. I'm definitely in that group. Did it kill me to drop that 10 lb/mo goal? Oh you bet it did. I wanted to go right back to it the very next week....but I didn't.
I've tried to do my best to end the crazy cycle of dropping 6 lbs in a week, and then staying the same or gaining a lb the very next week, all due to my brain being fried from the previous week of insanity. I'm looking to replace that insanity with some harmony...I want to tone things down a bit, and get on a more even keel. That, in turns, takes some figuring out. I'm now a firm believer that 1500 cals that work for some and produce fantastic losses every week, just doesn't work the same for everyone. How can it? Our bodies are all so different. We don't all weigh the same, nor do we metabolize the same. We don't all work at the same fitness intensity in our workouts, or work out the same amount of days in a week or month.
However, I sincerely think if you're obese and just need to get started, then 1500 calories a day is an excellent jumping-off point. Most of the 43 lbs I've lost since starting this blog have been based on 1500 cals a day, and that's thanks to Sean at The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser. It's a good number. As you progress, if you feel like you need to change things up, then by all means, do so. Nothing is written in stone...it's all about what works for each individual.
I still don't know what's right for me...that's why the weigh-ins have been spotty for the last 3 weeks. But I'm working on it, and will continue to work on it until I get it figured out. There is no giving up. It's just not an option, and it's something I never think about. In fact, my most recent thoughts have been, "How fast can I get back to the gym?" I've been working out at least 5 days a week, usually 6 days. Today was my 5th day in a row, and I'll be back in there grinding it out on the treadmill again tomorrow morning. I'll probably make Friday a rest day because I think 6 days in a row is a good streak, and I do think that a day for rest and recovery is important....muscle repair and all that jazz.
I love that my best friend Pam at Journey To The Healthier Side Of Life turned me on to blogging. I had no idea how awesome this stuff was. What an incredible outlet for the process of losing weight, getting healthier, and changing your life for the better. It's so therapetutic, so uplifting, such a feeling of community. I love that even though you may have never met someone in person, they can get to know you through your writings, and really start to care about you're doing to change your life for the better. You guys are the best...I'm so glad I found you....and now that I have, I can't imagine what I'd do without you. This blog doesn't end when I reach goal.....I'll be bugging all of you all the way through maintenance!! You're stuck with me!!
I want to give my friend Cherie a shout out. She's a friend from grade school and found me on Facebook a few months ago. She reads my blog every day. She got in touch with me a few days ago and offered me some encouraging words after my disappointing weigh-in last Friday. And she gave me some FANTASTIC news that just excites me to no end. Since reading the blog, she's found a belief in herself that she can do it, too....and she's doing it!! Cherie has lost 14 lbs so far and is well on her way to her to becoming the healthy wife and mom that she desires to be. So, so proud of her and just love her to death for taking the leap.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again to anyone who's contemplating getting started. Make The Decision....jump in with both feet....and then just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I definitely encourage starting your own blog if you're able to....and then post as often as you can...it really helps with accountability....and you can say as much or as little as you're comfortable saying. Your blog is about YOU and what you need to do to work through the issues and improve YOU....your body, your health, your mind...all of you. Success is waiting....it's there for the taking. Do it....and do it now. :)
P.S. I ate 1600 calories today...I'm back in control...what a wonderful feeling!
Quote For the Day:
"Ultimately, the only power to which man should aspire is that which he exercises over himself." -Elie Wiesel
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
I said I was going to eat 1600 calories this week. Apparently I lied. I was soooo proud of handling Golden Corral beautifully Sunday evening....and then at 10:30pm that night I decided I needed a 200 calorie snack. I didn't know why...I go to bed hungry every night....I eat dinner around 5:30p and usually don't have anything else before I go to bed around 11pm-12am. I should be used to it. But I felt the need to shove a little something into my mouth, so I did. Then I did the same damn thing on Monday.....and again today.
I've had 1800 calories Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. I finally realized I was stress eating. I'm 5 months into my weight loss travels....in my mind, I should be waaaaaayyyy past this kind of behavior. This is something I should have worked out and moved past in the first couple of months. Why am I doing it this far in? I have been DYING for a decent loss for the last 3 weeks, and I really thought this was going to be the week. I even had a decent eating weekend for the first time in weeks....and here I am screwing up mid-week. WTF???
The only good thing I have to report is that I've worked out hard Sat, Sun, Mon and today. Thank God I've done SOMETHING right!! Several people have told me that now that I'm doing weight machines on top of cardio, that I need to be eating more calories. Problem is....I have no idea how many more calories....nobody's told me that part. So I raised it from 1500 to 1600 this week...or at least that was the plan. For the last 3 days, it's been at 1800. That may be TOO MANY calories, but I really have no idea. One thing's for sure....I'll know Friday morning when I climb on that scale!! Ughhh. I'm shooting for 1600 for Wed and Thur.....someone please send up a prayer that I can get some dang control these last couple of days. Thanks friends.
Quote For the Day:
"Never measure the height of a mountain until you have reached the top. Then you will see how low it was." -Dag Hammarskjold
Monday, November 9, 2009
I'll do a bigger post tomorrow night explaining everything...right now I'm headed to bed. I've got an early start tomorrow. 'Nite all.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
I said sure, no problem, while inside I was dying, lol. I just don't trust myself around buffets, so I make it a point to avoid them. The last time I ate at Golden Corral was 2-3 months ago when Dwayne and I were spending our entire weekends out away from the house car shopping. I immediately thought of Jack Sh*t because the last time we went, he alerted me to the fact that a buffet doesn't have to be a death sentence. So I talked to Jack today....told him where I was going...and told him I'd be carrying his advice with me. He sent me a video clip of a teenage boy at Golden Corral with his family, and the whole time he kept saying how disgusting that place was, and he refused to eat anything, lol. It was quite humorous, and just what I needed to watch before I went. Jack continues to be an amazing inspiration to me, and when I email him for advice on food or fitness, etc, he always responds with helpful advice. Love that man!!
I had 2 plates, because I wanted a plate full of salad first before I waddled up to the Hog Trough. My salad was lovely....spinach, mixed spring greens, bell peppers, fresh mushrooms, red onions, broccoli, cucumbers & 2 Tbsp of Lite Italian. Then I got my 2nd plate with buffet food....and for the first time in my life, I can happily report that I didn't get the fried chicken. Please understand...I'm from the South, and eating fried chicken is as natural to me as breathing, lol. But I passed on it. That was the first win!
I got a small piece of steak, had 2 bites, and left the rest. I eat very little red meat these days for several reasons. First of all, it raises my bad cholesterol. Secondly, it's high in calories. And finally, it feels like a rock riding around in my stomach for about 3 days before it digests. Gross.
There was no piling, I had a nice piece of baked tilapia and some other stuff and I actually got full pretty quickly. I had to leave 1/3 of the food on the plate!! That has NEVER happened before!! I'm sticking to 1600 calories a day with my food this week, and I had 880 calories available for dinner. While I don't know the exact calorie count, I think I came in under my limit!!! Very, very proud of myself....and thankful to Jack for taking a moment to email with me before I went.
What can I say about Amy? While she's my baby sister, and I love her deeply, we have never been close friends like some sisters are. A lot of it may have had to do with our age difference. There's 5 years between us, and I was always a little closer to our middle sister Brandy, who's only 1 1/2 yrs younger than me. Amy and I never ran in the same circles, held the same interests, or valued the same things. While I was always fat and frugal....doing my best to squeeze into $20 jeans....Amy wouldn't dare leave the house unless her skinny, size 0 a$$ looked perfect in a pair of $100 jeans. And then there were the times when she would put her pencil body in one leg of my jeans, wrap the other half of my jeans all the way around her, and then call for me to come look. Ahhh....the joys of an evil, pencil-thin sister who just happens to be the baby of the family. Grrrrrr.
However, a lot of things have changed over the years. One very specific thing happened in Amy's life that changed her forever and while it was bad for her to go through, I found a new respect for her that I'd never known. She had a friend named Becky that suffered and died from breast cancer a few years ago. Becky was about 10 years older than Amy. She died at the age of 36 and I think Amy was in her mid-twenties.
Amy would go to work every day, and then drive the 45 mins to an hour to Becky's house to take care of her. She literally watched Becky die. She went through chemo, lost all of her hair, barfed all over the place, and Amy was there to care for her through all of it. Becky had family helping too, but Amy was there to do all she knew how to do as her friend. It was a lot for a girl in her 20's to go through...especially when up until then, her biggest worry was whether or not her butt looked good in her jeans.
Amy really changed a lot after that, and not all in a good way. I won't go into anymore detail, other than to say that I'm proud of her for standing by her friend. Up until that point, I had never seen that much compassion in her and it allowed me to view her through new eyes. Because of my respect for her, I've gone to bat for Amy many, many times in various situations since then. We may not be the best of friends, but she's my sister and I love her. I'm glad she's in my life. :)
Mom took a few pics of us before we left for dinner:
I just HAD to throw in a pic of me and my precious baby Scarlette....I just love her to pieces!!!! Oh, I almost forgot to tell you!! Billie and I made it to the gym Saturday and today for a GREAT workout! Hope everyone else is having a fabulous weekend!! 'Nite friends. :)
Quote For the Day:
"The difference between a mountain and a molehill is your perspective." -Al Neuharth
Friday, November 6, 2009
Interestingly enough, Dwayne emailed me yesterday and said he checked out the gym close to his house and took the tour, but hasn't joined yet. Then earlier in the week he took a 2 mile walk. And he said he wants to start eating better (mind you....this still means no veggies for him)....so he said on his way over to my house tonight, he's picking up some fresh fish to grill out for us, along with some salad and fresh fruit. Hooray!! We're grilling chicken out for dinner on Saturday along with some corn on the cob for him and some veggie kabobs for me, along with another salad. Sounds like it's going to be a good eating weekend and it's such a relief to hear that after 5 long months, he's finally climbing on board!
Let's hope all of you have a better weigh-in than I have this week!! Have a fabulous weekend!! :)
Quote For the Day:
"The difference between try and triumph is just a little umph!" -Marvin Phillips
Thursday, November 5, 2009
I asked my sister Amy for a couple of ideas for lunch this week and she gave me one for her favorite salad. Mixed spring greens & romaine topped with tuna, red onion and capers. She had Greek salad dressing on hers, and I had lite Italian on mine. Her son Cyress had lunch with us, too. He's adorable...such gorgeous blue eyes.
Why can't we all be that happy all the time? lol
Gonna' sign off and hold my breath until time to jump on the scale in the morning. 'Nite all. :)
Quote For the Day:
"Take care of your body with steadfast fidelity. The soul must see through these eyes alone, and if they are dim, the whole world is clouded." -Goethe
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
I also used the 40% low sodium taco seasoning packet....and only 2/3 of the packet itself, to cut even further back on the sodium. I didn't have any reduced-fat cheese, only the regular stuff. The brand I have is 110 calories for 1/3 of a cup, so I budgeted for half of that 1/3 c., and then used even less than that...just a sprinkle on each taco. Breakstone's reduced fat sour cream is 40 calories for 2 Tbsp, so I used 1 Tbsp on each taco. Ground chicken breast is only 31 calories an ounce...and I used 2 oz. on each taco. The taco shells are 130 calories for 2 of them. Here's some pics:
Since I used less cheese than I planned for, and a little less sour cream, this meal ended up being a little less than 360 calories!!! It was tasty and satisfying...just enough. Thoroughly enjoyed it. :)
Just got back from the gym with Billie. I've been a tad bit frustrated with my workouts the last couple of days. I work hard and feel tired and sore when I get done, and up until the time I go to bed. But when I get up the next morning, no pain. No soreness. Makes me think I'm doing something wrong....not working hard enough. So tonight I raised the weight on all of the machines on the circuit. I've been doing between 30-50 lbs of weight on each machine. Tonight I did between 50-80 lbs. Maybe this will make the difference.
I also found out tonight just what kind of machines our bodies really are. And just how much our limits have to do with mentality, and not physicality. Your body will do what you tell it to do....what you make it do. Don't tell yourself you "can't" do something...until you try. Tonight I raised the weights until I could just barely lift enough to do one rep....then I backed it off 10 lbs. and went at it....doing between 10-15 reps on each machine. Then we did 2 full rounds on the circuit, so that we got a double round of reps on everything. Except the crunches....I did 4 reps on those because my stomach is my biggest problem area.
It's been a great day....great workout, and my calories are sitting pretty at 1334. I do, however, have some serious bloating going on this week due to my cycle. I got on the scale this morning to see what I'm looking at and it's not good, lol. I'm hoping to at least weigh the same as last week when my weigh-in gets here this Friday. Not sure if I'm going to show a loss or not....but I know I'm doing the right thing by being in the gym. If I don't see a loss this week, surely I'll see one the following week. Just gotta' keep doing what I know is right...and tighten up the calorie control on the weekends. Been too loosey goosey the last couple of weekends. Maybe I'll learn one of these days. Sure would be nice to get the rest of this weight off sooner rather than later. :)
Quote For The Day:
"Those who wish to sing, always find a song." -Swedish proverb
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
By the way, just finished watching The Biggest Loser and the b*tch went home!! Yahoo!!! However, in all fairness, I have to say she's done great since she's been home. She looks fantastic and it pains me to say that, lol. But hey....b*tch or not, I'm glad she's gotten healthy and made a better example for her 4 children. 'Nite nite friends. :)
Quote For the Day:
"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I...I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference." -Robert Frost
Monday, November 2, 2009
Here's some bbq pork ribs and butternut squash w/ cinnamon and nutmeg that I baked last week and forgot to post the pic:
Today my mom, sister Amy and nephew Cyress came over for lunch. We made shrimp quesadillas with shrimp, cheese, spinach & fresh salsa on whole wheat 50 calorie tortillas. This was the first time I've ever made these at home and they were delish!
Dinner was a scrumptious stir fry w/ turkey sausage, yellow squash, onions, mushrooms, carrots and bell peppers.
I'm headed to the gym soon so I've got to wrap this up. Hope everyone else has had a yummy Monday! :)
Quote For the Day:
"More powerful than the will to win is the courage to begin." -Unknown
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Mother Nature is visiting this week, so it seems like there's ALWAYS something to affect the weigh-in, isn't there? First my knee was shot for a week, then I had a cold for a week, and now this!! Whatever, lol....it's always going to be something. I'm just going to keep counting the calories and working out every day and I'll deal with whatever comes.
The eating was pretty decent Friday and Saturday. I'm not as strict on the weekends as I am during the week....making sure I don't go one single calorie over 1500. But I've also noticed that while the weekends are little more lax, they're nowhere NEAR what I used to eat on a daily basis before I started my weight loss travels 5 short months ago. So I'm okay with that.
Dwayne gave me some money and told me to go buy a new outfit yesterday, so I did! The last clothes I bought were 22/24's....both tops and jeans. I tried on an 18/20 blouse and it fit well all except for one problem. It was too short, and my big ol' low-hanging stomach was hanging out underneath it. I just can't handle that....makes me so self-conscious. So I bought the 22/24 blouse because it was a little longer and covered my stomach better. However....I bought a smaller size in jeans.......a size 20!!
When I posted the pics of me in jeans at mom's retirement party last weekend, I had several comments telling me the jeans were way too baggy....so I bit the bullet and tried on a pair of size 20's and they fit!! I don't know why I have such a hard time believing that I can fit into smaller clothes. I think part of it has to do with the fact that my stomach is still so freakin' huge. That's where I carry most of my weight. My body is so disproportionate. I've said before that I think I look like a potato on stilts. I have this big, fat, long torso and my legs are a lot smaller in comparison. It's irritating. It'll be nice when I finally start losing some weight in my stomach and then clothes will start to look better on me.
Dwayne took me to Bailey's Pub and Grille for dinner last night and to see all the people coming in dressed up in Halloween costumes. We had a great time together. I had a grilled mahi sandwich and a few fries....which is what I usually order when we go here. I just love grilled fish, and considering we are talking about a menu full of "bar food" where everything is fried or smothered in cheese, this is about the healthiest thing you can get.
Hope everyone is having a great weekend!! It feels so good to be back in the gym. I'm already looking forward to the weigh-in this coming Friday! :)
Quote For the Day:
"We have forty million reasons for failure, but not a single excuse." -Rudyard Kipling