My heart is not in the weight loss...at all. As I just told a friend in email, I've started off great the last 2 days, and by night, I've failed miserably. I really don't know what's wrong with me. I do know that the majority of beating the food addiction is doing the mental work. I've tried and tried at that...for over a year now, with my blog. Apparently there is still a lot of work to do. I don't have it all figured out, and quite frankly, I'm really starting to wonder if I ever will. My mind knows what needs to be done...what MUST be done. But my heart just isn't in it. I wish I had the answers, or a better explanation of what's going on with me. I just don't. This is a stupid, vague post...but for some reason, I felt like I need to at least say something....rather than nothing. I remember being in the zone the first few months I started my blog in June of last year. Once the numbers started dropping, I was so positive...I had real HOPE that I would be able to make it all the way to my goal. Somewhere along the way I lost that, and have struggled within the same 15-20 lbs. ever since. I would like to re-capture that same hope and belief that I could do this, from back when I first started. But it's not here...I can't seem to grasp it...and for the first time since I've started blogging, there's a fear welling up inside me that maybe I really can't do this. It's a REAL fear. It's disturbing, and disheartening.
I think about the weight loss/addiction/problem every minute of every day...it's always there in the forefront of my mind, no matter what else I'm doing. I hate it. I hate the obesity. I hate that I've been so fat for close to 25 years now. I hate that I didn't get a grip earlier....and I hate that I can't seem to get a grip now. It's a scary, sad feeling....one that I hope I can overcome, sooner rather than later. I have to believe that one day, I'll get it right, and I'll fix all the "stuff" that got me here...and I'll drop the extra weight, get to goal, and be able to maintain for the rest of my life. I have to believe that, because somewhere deep inside, no matter how small, there's a tiny little something that just won't let me form the words, "I give up". The negative side of me says I should....just throw up my hands and say forget it. But the other side...the side that wants to love me...wants to hold onto that tiny ember of hope that somehow, some way...I'm going to figure this out. I just don't know when. I just don't know.
4 months ago