A food addict's travels on the road to recovery.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Down and Out

My heart is not in the weight loss...at all.  As I just told a friend in email, I've started off great the last 2 days, and by night, I've failed miserably.  I really don't know what's wrong with me.  I do know that the majority of beating the food addiction is doing the mental work.  I've tried and tried at that...for over a year now, with my blog.  Apparently there is still a lot of work to do.  I don't have it all figured out, and quite frankly, I'm really starting to wonder if I ever will.  My mind knows what needs to be done...what MUST be done.  But my heart just isn't in it.  I wish I had the answers, or a better explanation of what's going on with me.  I just don't.  This is a stupid, vague post...but for some reason, I felt like I need to at least say something....rather than nothing.  I remember being in the zone the first few months I started my blog in June of last year.  Once the numbers started dropping, I was so positive...I had real HOPE that I would be able to make it all the way to my goal.  Somewhere along the way I lost that, and have struggled within the same 15-20 lbs. ever since.  I would like to re-capture that same hope and belief that I could do this, from back when I first started.  But it's not here...I can't seem to grasp it...and for the first time since I've started blogging, there's a fear welling up inside me that maybe I really can't do this.  It's a REAL fear.  It's disturbing, and disheartening.

I think about the weight loss/addiction/problem every minute of every day...it's always there in the forefront of my mind, no matter what else I'm doing.  I hate it.  I hate the obesity.  I hate that I've been so fat for close to 25 years now.  I hate that I didn't get a grip earlier....and I hate that I can't seem to get a grip now.  It's a scary, sad feeling....one that I hope I can overcome, sooner rather than later.  I have to believe that one day, I'll get it right, and I'll fix all the "stuff" that got me here...and I'll drop the extra weight, get to goal, and be able to maintain for the rest of my life.  I have to believe that, because somewhere deep inside, no matter how small, there's a tiny little something that just won't let me form the words, "I give up".  The negative side of me says I should....just throw up my hands and say forget it.  But the other side...the side that wants to love me...wants to hold onto that tiny ember of hope that somehow, some way...I'm going to figure this out.  I just don't know when.  I just don't know.


  1. Don't know about you, but I think I sabotage myself.
    For what reason....?????
    Then again, maybe I do know why.
    You can do it and I know I could too.

  2. I wish I had the answer, Tammy. The truth is, I have felt the exact same way in the past - and I threw up my hands.

    I think dieting is not unlike cigarette smoking. Some people get it right out of the gate, but most have to try the journey 2, 3, 4 times before something finally clicks, and they can reach their goal.

    If motivation and enthusiasm could be gifted, I think losing weight would be easier for us all!

    I know you will do what you must (either quit, or try again), but I hope you know people are cheering for your success. And one day, you WILL reach your goal, if not during this weight loss journey, then perhaps the next.

    Cyber hugs!!

  3. Tammy...you've come a long way! Your highest was nearly 100lbs more than what you are at now. That is a BIG accomplisment! Maybe take a break...but not a binge...a break. Do you think if you took a mental break from thinking about being "on track" that you'd gain a lot back?

    I do hear you thought. I honestly do. I know I probably don't exactly know what you are going through. But constantly thinking of food and weight...it's awful.

    Anyway...I am probably not much help. But I'm thinking about you! Hang in there girl!

  4. It's the crazy cycle...I know it well. You promise yourself you're going to do well when you wake up in the morning, but it's almost impossible to stay consistent. I've been there...too many times.

    At least you are maintaining!!!

  5. Believe in yourself! You can do this! You really can. Look, you've already come so far! You deserve nothing less then to be healthy! :D


  6. It's mind boggling that when the light comes on ... you wonder what flipped the switch. You can't seem to put a finger on it. So, you just continue trying. Are you keeping any kind of a journal. Are you tracking what you're eating and when ... I haven't a clue what to tell you except to hang in there. Your day will come.


  7. Hey girl, I'm right there with you , unfortuately. I wrote my post today from a place similar to where you are. I go through old journals to try to find what is missing, I realize I'm not trying as hard,or as driven and as focused as I was when I lost the 100 lbs. I' ve maintained that 100+ lb loss for more than a year but can't seem to push it much further and at 220-226 ish I still need to lose more. I don't have the answer except that we get tired of it ll sometimes and just want to ease up but that is as scary as hell too.

  8. Getting back ON the horse is the hardest part of getting thrown. You can do it. Keep fighting, thats the key.

    2 years into my blogging and I'm heavier than when I started... but I'm not giving up.

  9. I've been where you are now and all I can tell you is it will get better if you keep trying. Whatever you do, don't give up!

  10. Tammy - I could have written your first paragraph. I think I did, yesterday!:) Perhaps if I felt as you described, in your second paragraph, I too would be a bit more determined. I forget that I am fat and supposed to be working towards losing the blubber! It's not making me miserable enough if you like! On occasions I am all too aware that I am out of shape, but then I carry on regardless, as though the weight is somehow going to drop off like magic, just because I want it to.

    Anyone know where I can buy some determination?
    Tammy, all I can say is - you have been very successful. You've lost the urge to do this...as I have, and I don't know what the answer is? To keep on trying? Easy to say, hard to do :(

    Just wanted you to know I understand. Thinking of you.

  11. I never got back on the blogs yesterday so just read this. I absolutely know you can and will be successful. You have what it takes to keep at this. You're so right about genuine food addiction being much more than just reining in our eating. The mental and emotional work are the hardest. I think of Lyn at Escape From Obesity and how she's struggled and confessed for years - and finally is beginning to see some healing. But for any of us with this disease, it just doesn't go all the way away. We'll always have to be mindful and pay attention to ourselves and our eating behaviors.

    I so wish we lived close and could take walks together and do therapy on each other! Love you, girl.

  12. I know what you are saying Tammy. I'm at that point myself. I think after doing so well for so long we just get tired of the accountability and want that FREEDOM of eating what we want, when we want with no tracking, counting or analyzing. But just remember, that bit of freedom off of the plan only feels good for a while. Then it starts to act in the opposite way and the longer we are off track, the worse we start to feel. I go through this everytime I'm on a healthy lifestyle plan. I get to a certain point of weight loss and I want that freedom of eating "normally". But what we have to remember is the way we were eating was not normal. And sooner or later that feeling of freedom is gone and is replaced with anxiety and depression when we realize that we have to start all over again 10, 20, or 30 pounds heavier. Its a vicious cycle. I know its hard this time of year. This is when I always fall off plan. But we are worth the struggle and the fight! Keep your head up and take it one meal and one decision at a time. You are worth it!

  13. Girl I hear you. I think all we can do is keep going. What's the alternative really? Time for us to get together. I'm around this weekend so let me know what you're up to.

  14. Dieting, eating healthy, exercise, counting calories/points whatever can drive you MAD! I know, IT SUCKS! I can't tell you how many times i've had similar thoughts like your post. But just like you said, there is something, somewhere inside of us that wont let us quit. We don't give up...and i know you won't give up, take a break girl. Sometimes we need one!

    And speaking of breaks...im on one right now and its taken all my strength to stay out of the kids Halloween candy,ARG! Its taunting me (damn candy)

  15. I know your suffering. I have been there and am still there at times.
    I'm reading the book Designated Fat Girl. Pls get it and read.

  16. I feel for you, and boy it seems there are so many of us out there going through the same thing right now, maybe it's something in the air or with the holidays approaching. I have lost 72lbs so far and am at a stale mate for the last 4 months and I stopped excising about a month ago, which wasn’t smart on my part for many reasons. I feel exactly the same thing as you said in this post, you know what your “suppose to do” but you just cant control yourself, it SUCKS!!! What does seem to help me is to keep looking at the fat pictures and the best picture of my self at my lowest weight, for me it really at least right now it helps get me focused. Because I know I DONT want to be back at the fat place, I just cant! It is like a vicious cycle because I get mad at myself for not being in control of myself, then I get really mad and depressed that this is my life forever, the fact that even if I stay thinner/healthier I will always have the issues with fighting with food because I am an addict in that sense. I go through the whole woe is me crap and why do I have to be fat, my life sucks, I hate myself, all the same stuff I'm sure most of us have said to ourselves at one time or another, but then I just tell myself to get over it because you have two choices here. You either deal with it or let it deal with you and I don’t like the out come when I let the food deal with me, I NEED to deal with it instead.
    You have come so far, you can do this, I know how hard it is and it suck, but you know how good you feel now it is worth all the hard work and the struggles, you can do this, your worth it.

  17. You will get there because you know it will be better. You know that the way you'll feel (mentally and physically) when you lose the weight is going to be so much better than the way you feel when you eat Chinese food or chocolate or whatever it is now that's keeping you from much progress. You can do this, Tammy. Don't be afraid. You're a strong woman, and you're just having a rough time but you WILL get it one day. I believe in you. :)