A food addict's travels on the road to recovery.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Panic Attack

Today is a bad day. A very bad eating day and I'm freaking out. As I mentioned in the first post, I'm an emotional basketcase. That means that things affect me in ways that they don't affect other people. Believe me, it's a curse.

First of all, being at home for months on end with no job and no money can lead to depression. I try to busy myself with menial little tasks to stave it off. I had planned on organizing and packing today, which I did some, but not the amount I wanted to get done. I found out some discouraging news from my friend this morning and that started my dark mood. Then it started raining. Now, I love thunderstorms. But not just plain old rain. It's depressing.

I've been starving all day. My stomach feels like a bottomless pit. I've been thinking all day that this feeling is supposed to get better with each day that passes...not worse. I was close to my calorie limit by lunchtime because I just kept snacking on stuff. I laid down at 2:30p to take a nap just so I would stop eating. My stomach woke me up at 4pm growling. I could feel a binge coming on. I ate a leftover hamburger from the cookout this past Saturday. Not a bun, just a burger. It was the only one left & the runt out of the bunch...weighed about 3 oz. Then I ate about 3/4 c. of tortellini salad that Shane had saved from the cookout. I just looked it up....that was nearly 300 calories and did nothing to fill me up.

It was only 4:45p by this time but I decided I better go ahead and fix the dinner I had planned before things REALLY went south. I had laid out 2 tilapia fillets and 8 oz of scallops for Shane and I to share. I weighed a fillet pre-cooked and frozen solid this morning...5 oz. I figured that and 4 oz of scallops would satisfy me along with a cup of brown rice. I heated up my George Foreman grill and threw one of the fillets on there. Put the lid down and raised it after 3 minutes. My fish was GONE. It shriveled up to LESS than half it's size. I was soooooo upset. Starving to death, trying to keep from bingeing, and my fish effin' disappears. I knew it was a thin piece of fish to begin with so I don't know if that was the problem, if it just had a lot of water in it, if you're not supposed to grill fish on a Foreman? (this was my first time).....all I know is when I took the spatula and scraped the remnants of my dinner off the grill and put it on my food scale it registered at a whopping 1.5 oz.

I was so upset that I threw the scraps in the trash along with the other piece I hadn't even cooked yet, and left the scallops in the frig. I called Shane and told him to pick him something else up for dinner, that what I had planned didn't work out. He asked me if I wanted him to get me something too. I wanted to say yes, but I said no. I had thrown some instant brown rice in a pot to cook while grilling the fish so I told myself I'd just eat that and I'd be fine til tomorrow.

By now my stress level is through the roof, stomach still rumbling and grumbling, and I lifted the lid to check the rice. It should have been done, nice and firm. It was floating in a lake of water. Apparently during the fish fiasco I accidentally put TWICE as much water in it as I was supposed to, so the rice was ruined. I slammed down the lid on the pot and just fell apart. I stood there and bawled my eyes out. Through my tears I quickly made a pot of coffee to put something on my stomach that didn't have many calories while I fought off the urge to call Domino's. I came in here to the computer to add the burger and the tortellini to my calorie list for the day and see where things stood. I have 23 calories left for the day....and I STILL haven't eaten dinner.

I have no idea what dinner's going to be yet, but I've got 2 c. of coffee on my stomach now, so the urge to call Domino's has passed for the moment. I'm going to sit here and think for a minute. No matter what it is, I'm obviously going to be over my calorie limit for the day. Let's all pray that I maintain control through the end of the night and that my choice is not too terrible. I will be back later tonight after I've had dinner and I'll report my final stats and what I had to eat today. Thanks for listening.


  1. Tammy, thanks for the nice things you said on my blog. I looked at your friend's site and I saw myself in years past. When I read your post tonight, I really think your feelings concerning hunger and not eating enough food are really normal for just beginning your journey. You can do this! Diane (www.fittothefinish.com)

  2. Diane...thank you for taking the time to check out my blog, and also for the words of encouragement. I updated my blog a few minutes ago. Things are looking up. :)