Panic Attack

Today is a bad day. A very bad eating day and I'm freaking out. As I mentioned in the first post, I'm an emotional basketcase. That means that things affect me in ways that they don't affect other people. Believe me, it's a curse.

First of all, being at home for months on end with no job and no money can lead to depression. I try to busy myself with menial little tasks to stave it off. I had planned on organizing and packing today, which I did some, but not the amount I wanted to get done. I found out some discouraging news from my friend this morning and that started my dark mood. Then it started raining. Now, I love thunderstorms. But not just plain old rain. It's depressing.

I've been starving all day. My stomach feels like a bottomless pit. I've been thinking all day that this feeling is supposed to get better with each day that passes...not worse. I was close to my calorie limit by lunchtime because I just kept snacking on stuff. I laid down at 2:30p to take a nap just so I would stop eating. My stomach woke me up at 4pm growling. I could feel a binge coming on. I ate a leftover hamburger from the cookout this past Saturday. Not a bun, just a burger. It was the only one left & the runt out of the bunch...weighed about 3 oz. Then I ate about 3/4 c. of tortellini salad that Shane had saved from the cookout. I just looked it up....that was nearly 300 calories and did nothing to fill me up.

It was only 4:45p by this time but I decided I better go ahead and fix the dinner I had planned before things REALLY went south. I had laid out 2 tilapia fillets and 8 oz of scallops for Shane and I to share. I weighed a fillet pre-cooked and frozen solid this morning...5 oz. I figured that and 4 oz of scallops would satisfy me along with a cup of brown rice. I heated up my George Foreman grill and threw one of the fillets on there. Put the lid down and raised it after 3 minutes. My fish was GONE. It shriveled up to LESS than half it's size. I was soooooo upset. Starving to death, trying to keep from bingeing, and my fish effin' disappears. I knew it was a thin piece of fish to begin with so I don't know if that was the problem, if it just had a lot of water in it, if you're not supposed to grill fish on a Foreman? (this was my first time).....all I know is when I took the spatula and scraped the remnants of my dinner off the grill and put it on my food scale it registered at a whopping 1.5 oz.

I was so upset that I threw the scraps in the trash along with the other piece I hadn't even cooked yet, and left the scallops in the frig. I called Shane and told him to pick him something else up for dinner, that what I had planned didn't work out. He asked me if I wanted him to get me something too. I wanted to say yes, but I said no. I had thrown some instant brown rice in a pot to cook while grilling the fish so I told myself I'd just eat that and I'd be fine til tomorrow.

By now my stress level is through the roof, stomach still rumbling and grumbling, and I lifted the lid to check the rice. It should have been done, nice and firm. It was floating in a lake of water. Apparently during the fish fiasco I accidentally put TWICE as much water in it as I was supposed to, so the rice was ruined. I slammed down the lid on the pot and just fell apart. I stood there and bawled my eyes out. Through my tears I quickly made a pot of coffee to put something on my stomach that didn't have many calories while I fought off the urge to call Domino's. I came in here to the computer to add the burger and the tortellini to my calorie list for the day and see where things stood. I have 23 calories left for the day....and I STILL haven't eaten dinner.

I have no idea what dinner's going to be yet, but I've got 2 c. of coffee on my stomach now, so the urge to call Domino's has passed for the moment. I'm going to sit here and think for a minute. No matter what it is, I'm obviously going to be over my calorie limit for the day. Let's all pray that I maintain control through the end of the night and that my choice is not too terrible. I will be back later tonight after I've had dinner and I'll report my final stats and what I had to eat today. Thanks for listening.