No, I haven't eaten any fast food today, but I sure thought about it. Thought about it hard. I have some serious issues. I'm just now realizing today how MANY bad issues I have with food.
I headed out this morning to Target and picked up a slipcover for the used sofa I bought yesterday. Our current sofa was cheaply made when we bought it over 3 years ago, and the board on the bottom of it has broken and splintered. It was time for something else, but I'm incredibly cheap, so Mom took me to the Habitat for Humanity salvage store yesterday and I picked up an antique camel back sofa w/ claw feet for $45. Naturally, I'm not going to sit on someone else's ick, so I went to Target this morning and bought a new slipcover for it. Most of the ones that were sofa-sized were $90. I scrounged around until I finally found the cheapest one they had...$60. At least it's clean.
I also picked up a beige rug w/ a burgundy border because I now have a burgundy love seat and chair and a beige-covered sofa. Needed something to tie it all together. The rug I wanted was $150. No can do. I found a smaller one in the same design for $80. That's the one I got. All I really need it for is to pull the colors together and cover up the wires that will run from the TV to the surround sound speakers across the room.
I headed up to Mom's, unloaded my car, jumped in her truck, went and got the sofa, came back and got my sister Amy to help me unload it and carry it in the house, put the new rug down, put the slipcover on the sofa, and it's way too big. Have you ever noticed how those antique sofas are way smaller than the current furniture they make? It looks retarded, but again, at least it's clean.
I jumped back in Mom's truck, went back to the apt. and loaded it up (9 or 10 trips up and down the stairs), drove back to Mom's and unloaded it. I had everything done by about 2:30pm today and headed back home. After 2 days of packing and moving boxes, carrying sofas around, etc., my lower back was shot. My legs, knees and arms weren't feeling much better. Hurting pretty bad. I thought about the concept of cooking dinner tonight and I knew it just wasn't going to happen. There was no way. I was locked up stiffer than the Tin Man w/ no oil can.
This is where I had the epiphany that I am a fast food freak. We can include regular restaurants in that category too. I did not want to cook. I refused to cook. There's no one else at the apt. to cook for me (trust me, Shane doesn't count), so that only leaves a restaurant. It is SO easy to swing into a drive-thru. Do you know how many there are on the 20 minute drive from Mom's to my place? Yeah, that many. I fought and fought with myself, knowing it was the wrong thing to do (this was on the drive back to my place after leaving Mom's). I forced my car to stay on the interstate and not veer down one of those exit ramps into Fast Food Hell. I made it home, got upstairs, checked email and read weight loss blogs for an hour or so, and was then wishing I could lay down on my bed, hold my mouth open, and someone else pour food into it for me that they had cooked.
I was exhausted, in pain, irritable, and sincerely pissed off that I didn't have a personal chef slaving away in the kitchen making me a healthy meal for dinner. What do people trying to eat healthy do on days like this? What do they when their entire body is in pain, they are thoroughly physically exhausted, and cannot bring themselves to stand in the kitchen long enough to even chop up veggies for a simple salad (not that a simple salad would have satisfied my kind of hunger)?
I had managed to avoid the fast food crap, but now it was about 7pm and I was starting to consider dragging myself down to the car and crawling into a restaurant booth somewhere close by. The closest restaurant to me is Los Reyes. It's about a mile down the road. I started thinking about their chicken soft tacos. They cook their chicken in tomatoes and onions, much like the Minorcan food that Mom makes that I was raised on and love so much. Add a little lettuce, forego the cheese, and they're pretty dang tasty. That's got to be better than fast food, right? Maybe in the way of it not being fried, yes. Maybe in the way of not having as many fat grams in it. But there's always the dreaded "S" word lurking in every fast food/regular restaurant you eat in. Sodium. Too much sodium = too much water weight, and it's 2 days before weigh day. DAMMIT!!!
Today I seriously started thinking that maybe I can't do this. Maybe I don't have what it takes to get this weight off and keep it off. It's not just going to be tonight that I don't feel like cooking. What about all those nights I had worked from 6a-4p, rushed to my college class at 5p, got home at 8pm and didn't want to cook? Enter take-out menu. How many times have I done that? Those days aren't over. I will eventually get another job. And I will eventually get up enough money to go back to school and finish my degree. What then? Am I doomed forever? Maybe I just don't have it in me to move beyond the excuses and push through and do what I need to do to get to a normal weight and maintain it. Maybe it will always be too hard for me. Maybe I'm not truly willing to persevere. Maybe I will always be "pork chop" girl. Maybe there is no Skinny Tammy hiding inside of me. Maybe it will always be Fat Tammy....the one I've known and hated for so many long years. Maybe I didnt' really make up my mind 3 1/2 weeks ago like I thought I did......like I so proudly told Dad I did.
Thank God for other weight loss blogs. I finally read one tonight that was just what I needed. It could not have been a more perfect post or come at a more perfect time. The one that turned my attitude around for me was http://jackfit.blogspot.com/. I started reading his blog a few days ago and I find him quite funny...he has a unique, inventive way of posting. Crude? Definitely. Offensive? Pretty dang close. But is it real? Oh yes. That's why I like it. "Jack" doesn't tip toe around his blog, trying not to step on anyone's toes. He doesn't take life too seriously. He doesn't sweat the small stuff. He's got a quirky sense of humor, littered with the "s" word, but it's him being him. I emailed him a couple of days ago and he replied. He let me know that he's on the same journey I am...he's just viewing it from a "slightly skewed angle", as he put it. I'm glad. It's refreshing.
Today Jack did something out of the ordinary for him. He wrote a serious blog. No fun, no jokes, no "s" word every other sentence. He was trying to reach those of us struggling and he reached me. Thank you Lord! I would encourage all of you reading this to click on his link and read his post from today. Even if you never visit his site again, I hope you read this one post.
What he said is spot on. He describes having a Day of Reckoning with yourself. That one point in time where you're done screwing around, you realize the dangers of your weight, and you know the only thing that's going to rectify the situation is hard work. Calorie counting, smaller portions, exercise. Making that decision....the one that you took a stab at in the past, but never got right, because you hadn't REALLY made up your mind to change your life. It made me realize that I had made that decision. I made it over 3 weeks ago, and I meant it. It's done. I'm changing my lifestyle, I'm changing my habits, and somehow, not sure how yet, I've got to learn how to deal with the hard days. Quitting is not the answer. Quitting makes you fatter. Quitting leads to very bad health and eventually it leads to death. Early death. Young death. I don't want to be that girl that people stand over her coffin and say, "She was just so young....if only she had lost the weight......what a waste of a life". I don't want my parents to have to go to my funeral because I couldn't get a grip on the food. I don't want my precious little nieces and nephews to have to ask my family, "What happened to Aunt Tammy? Did she go to Heaven? I miss her."
I want to live! I want to be here for those babies. They're going to need a "cool" aunt and I'm it! I want to be here for my parents as they age and need more help. I want to be around to tell my sisters stupid jokes and make them laugh because they think I'm such a dork (they're right :)). I want to marry Dwayne one day and continue taking our little get-away trips to the beach together. I want to be around to help Shane....he has cerebal palsy and has a hard time doing things one-handed. I've got stuff to do! I can't let myself get sick and die because I couldn't stop dialing the Chinese restaurant!
I don't have all the answers. I know there are still plenty of rough days ahead, and truthfully, I'm not sure how I'll handle them. It takes me full circle, right back to the motto I started this blog with.....say it with me.....ONE DAY AT A TIME. Thanks to reading Jack's post tonight, Los Reyes was no longer an option because it didn't jive with the decision I made to lose this weight. I drug my tired, aching, uninventive self into the kitchen and made the same thing for dinner that I had for breakfast this morning. Except I doubled the portion....2 sandwiches. I had over 700 calories available for dinner, so I tackled that hunger with both barrels.
Sorry this was such a long post but there was a lot going on in this screwed up head of mine. I'm still so, so thankful for this blog. I never knew that writing, getting all your thoughts out, and especially sharing them with others could be so therapeutic.
Here's my food intake for the day:
Homemade turkey sausage (4 oz.)
1 whole egg, 1 egg white, scrambled
Arnold's whole wheat sandwich thin w/ 1 tsp. of lite mayo (made a sandwich)
Small bowl of pork pilau (pork, rice, tomatoes, onions, datil pepper)
Homemade turkey sausage (8 oz.)
1 whole egg, 3 egg whites, scrambled
2 Arnold's whole wheat sandwich thins w/ 1 tsp. of lite mayo on each sandwich
8 oz. Coke
64 oz. water
2 c. decaf swiss mocha almond coffee w/ sugar-free creamer
Quote For The Day:
"Let me tell you the secret that has led me to my goal. My strength lies solely in my tenacity." -Louis Pasteur
4 months ago