A food addict's travels on the road to recovery.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Some Days Just Suck

Today has completely sucked. There's no other way to say it. Let's start from the beginning.

I went out this morning to run a couple of errands, one of them being the gas station. Burger King is 2 doors down and I could smell breakfast. Smell is the worst sense for me when it comes to eating. I can look at food commercials on TV all day long and not be that bothered, but if I smell something good....I'm sooooo gonna' eat it. It took every ounce of fortitude I had not to go to Burger King. I was this close. I love their little BK Breakfast Shots with ham and egg. Love 'em. I knew I had one more piece of breakfast casserole at home I could eat, but after smelling BK, asparagus just wasn't going to cut it.

I sat in the parking lot of the gas station, after getting my gas, contemplating whether or not to take a right and go to Burger King. I argued with myself:

Do not screw up today.
But I want those yummy little ham and egg treats on those little steamy buns.
You're 2 days away from weigh day. Don't do it.
But I've been good for nearly 3 weeks now with no screw-ups. Don't I deserve a break?
You deserve to be good to yourself and get this weight off once and for all.
Am I never going to be able to eat restaurant food again???
Now is not the time. You need to be further along in your self-discipline.
I can smell them....I want them.
You always give in to what you want now. Be different this time. Work for what you want most.
Pleeeeaaaasssseeee???
Absolutely not.
Fine, dammit! I hate you.
You won't hate me when you're 90 lbs lighter. Now let's go to Publix instead and make a better choice.
Grrrrrrrrrrr.

So off to Publix I went. I headed straight for the deli and got 1/2 lb. of the Boar's Head 42% lower sodium deluxe ham. I went home and cooked 2 egg whites w/ a sprinkle of reduced fat sharp cheddar cheese and toasted some sourdough and had a sandwich. It was awesome. Another disaster avoided.

Shane and I headed out to look for rental houses. We spent 5 hours driving around and were having a super hard time finding anything in our price range. It was aggravating and discouraging. We both got hungry while we were out and again, my sense of smell was trying to sabotage me. Fried chicken. I smelled Church's fried chicken. I've loved their chicken since I was a little girl. It's so awesome. All of the sudden I yelled at Shane, "Quick! We've gotta' find a Subway!" Usually, you can find a Subway on every friggin' corner. but not today. Not when I need one, and fast. I purposely drove 7 miles out of my way to get to where I knew one was at. I got a Subway club and split it with Shane. Whole wheat bread, no cheese, lite mayo and all the veggies. My 6" was 320 calories. Another disaster avoided. Take that, Church's.

After having no luck house hunting, we finally headed home, tired and aggravated. When I got out of the car and headed upstairs, I had some sharp shooting pains under my right shoulder blade and realized I'd pulled a muscle the night before lifting some boxes I had packed my china cabinet dishes in. I guess being in the car for 5 hours aggravated it, and I was now in some serious pain. Thank God it wasn't a treadmill day. I couldn't even stand up straight to cook dinner. I had laid out some turkey burger before we left with the intentions of making a meatloaf for dinner. Not gonna' happen now. I threw the turkey burger in the frig and went to lay down. I woke up 4 hours later, starving. I wrapped some ham around a couple of cheesesticks, nuked them in the microwave, and scarfed them down.

I was hurting, I was groggy, and I was in no mood to fool with dinner. I was so ready to order a pizza. Because of my mood, I got in an argument with Dwayne over the phone, and that just made things worse. I knew I only had 500 calories left for the day and I fought with myself for about an hour over taking the easy way out and ordering dinner in, or making that damn meatloaf. I finally decided to do the right thing, and pulled the turkey burger out of the frig and opened it. Still frozen. My anxiety level rose another couple of levels. Fine. I'm 2 days away from weigh day, I only have 500 calories left, I'm not going to take the easy way out. I'll just fix an egg and cheese sandwich for dinner.

I talked myself out of whole eggs and made 2 egg whites. I talked myself out of using the sourdough bread (200 calories) and decided on the whole wheat sandwich thin (100 calories). I scooped the eggs out of the pan and was putting it on my bread when they slid right off the spatula and onto the floor. ??? AGAIN??? Dropping dinner on the floor TWICE in one week??? Are you EFFING KIDDING ME??? I was beyond just crying this time. I had a nuclear meltdown. I totally lost it. Unbelievable. This can't happen to anyone but me. I must be jinxed. I must be cursed. Someone hates me. Big Time. I called my mom and sobbed in her ear about my sh*tty day.

Thankfully, she jumped in her car and came to see me. She offered to bring me some vegetable soup that she had made, but I refused. I opted for the leftover chicken pasta from the night before. I had already measured it out so I knew it was 463 calories. When mom got here, I still wanted to eat. I was down, depressed, discouraged, aggravated, in pain, and ready to give up. She sat and talked to me, pointing out how well I've been doing, gave me suggestions on changing up my foods so I don't get bored, etc., and it was just what I needed. I had a couple of cups of coffee to fill up my stomach because I was feeling like a bottomless pit tonight. It probably wasn't real hunger....it was probably an emotional need I was trying to fill....and food is the wrong thing to do it with. I know that, but it doesn't always matter what I know. We had a nice visit, and things were better when she left. Somehow, I don't know how, I avoided a binge today. Thank you God. I was so close. And thank God for Mom, she is such a blessing to me.

Goal Stats:

Calories 1750
Carbs 250
Fat 60
Protein 136

Today's Stats:

Calories 1777
Carbs 223
Fat 37
Protein 150

I went over on my calories today, but you know what? I came very close to those calories being 4,000 today. I have to be thankful that I only missed my goal by 27 calories. I have to call that a win.

Here's my food intake for the day:

Ham and egg white sandwich on sourdough

6" Subway club (wheat, lite mayo, no cheese, all the veggies)
20 oz. Coke

Grilled chicken pasta salad (whole wheat penne, tomatoes, cukes, onions, lite Italian)

2 ham and cheese rolls (low sodium ham, red. fat mozzarella)
1 glass of tea, mixed 2/3 unsweet, 1/3 sweet)
3 glasses of water
2 c. coffee
1 pc. Russell Stover 60% cacoa sugar-free dark chocolate

Since I took a 4 HOUR NAP, I'm going to do some laundry and probably use Pam's banana blueberry bread recipe to make some muffins. I'm also going to make a little grocery list for tomorrow and try to change some things up this week. Pam's got a recipe for Cream of Zucchini soup that I've tried before and it is absolutely delicious. I might make that for some lunches next week. Will probably do some fruit smoothies and muffins for breakfast and snacks. Tomorrow is the day before weigh day so I hope things go smoothly. That's usually the day I'm most focused, so let's pray it's a good one. I'm looking for a 3.8 lb loss this week. I sure hope I get there.

Quote For The Day:

"If there is no struggle, there is no progress." -Frederick Douglass

1 comment:

  1. It sounds like you did great today, despite all your obstacles. Sorry you had such a bad day. I hope tomorrow is better for you. I love smoothies--sooo good, and good for you! Just make sure to find ones that aren't loaded down with extra sugar. I find it really helpful to eat one before I exercise because it gives me the carbs I need without that weigh-me-down feeling that's so not good when exercising.

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