A food addict's travels on the road to recovery.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Beach Challenge Food Pics Day 13

One of the super fun things about your cycle is the moody hormonal bullsh*t that comes along with it.  You know it's going to be a bad day when you wake up pissed off at the world for no good reason, lol.  Today was one of those days.

Dwayne came over last night and gave me the tax money, and as appreciative as I am, I was pretty much feeling like a loser.  Saying "thank you" was feeling pretty inadequate and pathetic, and I'm sure that's what set the tone for my mood this morning.

I had breakfast at 8am....an egg white scramble w/ 3 egg whites, 2 oz of baked chicken (I ran out...time to make more tonight!), 1 chicken sausage link, spinach, onions, mushrooms, 1/8 c. 2% shredded cheddar cheese and a diced Roma tomato on top.

Calories:  281

I headed out the door soon after w/ severe cramps and a poor mood.  Dwayne told me to go to the post ofc and get a tax form to sub for me not having my W2 from the company that laid me off.  It never came, and after several attempts and phone calls and an online request for a duplicate, it still never came.  The post ofc didn't have any forms so I headed to the library.  They had 8,000 forms EXCEPT the one I needed.  I got a lady to help me look it up online and print it off, and I made some copies while I was there.  I filled it out, drove back up to the post ofc, and got it mailed. 

My mood was really bitter, my abdomen and female parts were hurting and I didn't feel like running errands today....but I had to run around town and pay a couple of bills.  I'm kind of partial to electricity and running water.  It was around noon by the time I got everything just about wrapped up and I was driving down the road feeling bitchy, feeling like a loser and embarassed in front of Dwayne about the tax money, stomach was growling, and by the way, WHO THE HELL IS FRYING THAT CHICKEN????  I SMELL FRIED CHICKEN DAMMIT!!  I look over....KFC....bastards!!!  Can't you SEE I'm trying to lose weight?  Can't you SEE I'm trying to win a challenge??  Can't you HEAR my stomach growling???  What the hell is WRONG with you people....trying to sabotage someone's healthy eating plan like that??!!  EFFING BASTARDS!!!  (I told you I was in a foul mood, lol).

I resisted the grease-drenched, calorie-laden yumminess and ran on home.  At 12:30p I whipped up some tuna salad and had it with 16 Wheat Thin crackers and an icy cold Coke...ahhhh...Heaven.  I was tired of water and I think an average of one Coke a week is a good example of moderation, especially considering I used to drink 3-4 of these a DAY.

Calories:  595

My baby is always more than willing to help me shave a few calories off of each meal.  She eats damn near anything.  Here she is enjoying a bite of tuna salad on a wheat thin...she had several bites, lol.  So precious.

As soon as I finished lunch, I decided to put on my swimsuit and go lay out in my sun chair on the front sidewalk and just chill out...catch a few rays.....hope the day and my mood would improve.  I was laying my towel out on my chair when I look up and see the front gate standing wide open....and Scarlette was gone.  Time to freak.  Scarlette is not trained very well....which is totally my fault...another loser moment for me...because she won't come when you call her if she gets outside of her boundaries....as in the fence in the front yard.  She looks at you when you call her and then takes off running. 

I ran through the house, grabbed a bag of treats, and then out the back door in my swimsuit and barefeet, fat just a'flyin'!  I found her next door in Mom's back yard....then she moved over to the neighbor's yard...then she crossed the street...and down into a salvage yard.  Great.  I was trotting down the road in my swimsuit, boobs a'bouncin' and bat wings a'flappin', people driving by.  Fun stuff.  I got in the driveway that she ran down and was hobbling around on gravel and broken acorns and my feet were torn up.  I knocked on the door of the house in front of the salvage yard to see if someone would help me catch her, but nobody was home.  I was calling to her, offering her treats, but she wasn't interested.  She was off on a grand adventure!  The further she ran, the more my heart sank.  The salvage yard butts up to a big patch of woods (with coyotes, by the way), and I knew I wasn't going to catch her barefooted. 

I stood and called her, and watched her run further away until she ran into some brush and was out of sight.  My heart sank and I just broke down bawling.  I knew I wasn't going to catch her barefooted, so I went back home, changed my clothes lightning fast, slipped on a pair of shoes, grabbed TWO bags of treats, my car keys, and back out the door.  I got in the car and drove down to the salvage yard and got out of the car, looking around and calling Scarlette, scared out of my mind.  I couldn't see her anywhere, but I finally heard her tags jingling on her collar.  She popped out of a bush several feet away from me and when I started walking towards her, she jumped into another bush.  She was having the time of her live and momma was having a friggin' heart attack!  She was right there...I could see her...but I couldn't catch her.  I really thought I might lose her forever.  You guys know I don't have any human children, so Scarlette is my heart, my soul...my life.

I finally remembered how much she loves to go to the park, so I said, "Momma's baby wanna' go to the park??!!" (acting all excited).  She was hiding in a bush so I couldn't see her, but she popped her head up like a little groundhog and looked at me....but she still wasn't budging.  I knew I had her attention though, so I told her I was going to the park, and got in my car, backed out, and started pulling out of the salvage yard.  All of a sudden she came bouncing out of the brush and I opened my car door and she jumped up in my lap.  I was bawling again, lol.  I couldn't believe I got her back...I was crying and saying my prayers, thanking God, and cursing the bad day....I was pretty emotional to say the least. 

I got back home with my baby and tried to settle down.  I was a wreck.  What a bad day.  About 3pm the insane food cravings kicked in.  I wasn't really considering a full-on binge, but I definitely wanted something "off plan".....as in a big, fat brownie, maybe?  I keep a couple of boxes in the pantry because I make them for Dwayne on the weekends sometimes.  He snacks on them Friday and Saturday, and then I always bag up the leftovers and send them with him when he leaves.  I knew they were in there and I could almost smell them through the box. 

I grabbed onto my last shred of sanity and had 2 c. of watermelon instead.

Calories:  100

I mentioned yesterday that watermelon is like crack to Scarlette.  It's her all-time favorite "people" food.  Anything to put a smile on my baby's face....

The watermelon just wasn't cutting it, so an hour later, at 4pm, I had a boiled egg.

Calories:  75

I was starting to feel a little frantic with the eating....2 snacks in an hour's time....so I decided I'd try to lay down and take a nap.  I dozed off about 5pm and woke up at 6pm.  I was ready to eat the house.  I was cramping, emotionally frazzled from almost losing Scarlette, and I was just hormonally out of whack.  I didn't want the leftover fish from last night's dinner that I had planned on.  I wanted some kind of comfort food....carbs...something creamy or cheesy, saucy....that kinda' thing.   I looked around in the cabinet and just couldn't find anything that wouldn't put me over 1400-1500 cals for the day.  I really planned on staying around that number today and tomorrow since it's almost weigh-in, and I already know I'm battling some bloating. 

That's when the internal dialogue started that sometimes happens between Fat Tammy and Skinny Tammy.

Fat Tammy:  I'm ready to throw in the towel today and just eat.  It's just one day...I'll recover next week.  I want to eat something GOOD.  I'm in a bad mood today...don't mess with me.

Skinny Tammy:  Ohhhhh HELL no....sh*t ain't happenin'!  You've got a challenge to win, weight to drop...weren't you the one that wanted to get in the 220's this week and never look back?  Think you're gonna' accomplish that if you're elbow-deep in cheesy noodles?  Eat fish and veggies instead.

Fat Tammy:  If I see another vegetable I'm gonna' puke...and I'm tired of fish.  I want something else...something yummy...you're really starting to piss me off.  I told you not to mess with me today...

Skinny Tammy:  I don't care what you told me...eat the damn fish, Fatty. 

Fat Tammy:  Have I ever told you how much I hate you....B*TCH? 

Skinny Tammy:  Yeah I know....but just remember...I'm the b*tch that lost 8 lbs. last week. ;)

Fat Tammy:  (eyeroll)  Yeah, I remember....fine..... I'll eat the effing fish.  You always were a show-off.

3 oz. cod, 1 c. broccoli, 1 c. squash, 1 Roma tomato

Calories:  145

Followed by a lemon torte parfait...

Calories:  100

Ok.  I got through the food thing but was still in a bad mood, and decided maybe if I went for a walk and got in some exercise I'd feel better.  I drove over to the park, got on the trail, and about 10 steps into it, one of my ear buds died, and I was listening to music lop-sided...only in one ear.  I was immediately pissed off again, lol.  Really?  For real?  You're gonna' break TODAY of all days????  Awesome.  Love it.  Whatever...I'm walking anyway.

I walked the 2 mile trail and by the end of it, I had some gravel in my shoes that was bruising my heels, so I emptied my shoes, and decided to walk on the track.  I did 2 miles....I figured I'd try to push for 4 miles...which meant I needed to do 8 laps on the track.  I was doing good....decent pace....and had rounded lap 6 and was halfway around again when I ran into a flock of gnats.  One of them decided to go kamikaze on me and dove right up my left nostril!!  WTF????  I blew my nose as hard as I could to get the gnat out and he came out alright...right along with a big, slimy booger!!!  There were several people on the track and I was dying, lol.  I didn't know how many heard me blow my nose, but I sure didn't want them seeing a booger hanging on my face, so I wiped it fast and hard to get it off.  I now had a big, slimy booger on the back of my hand and a snot trail running down my arm.  Fun times!  

By the time I got back around to the gate to get off the track and go wash my hands, I realized I'd just finished the 7th lap.  Do you think I got off?  HECK NO BABY!!  Me and that booger trucked it on around the last lap and finished up the 4 miles!!!

So....I go wash up, get in the car, and as I'm driving home I'm thinking to myself that I actually ended up with a perfect ending to a totally imperfect day.  I came in under my calorie limit, drank all my water, and got in 4 miles of exercise.  I got home, came back to my bedroom to download my pics off my camera and do my post.  I was carrying my last glass of water for the day in my hand, tripped over a dog toy, and spilled water all over the camera.  ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME???!!!  Do you ever have the thought that some days you should just sit down and be quiet and still...not move all day long, so nothing else will go wrong?  I was so there, lol.  I was scrambling to dry off my camera with my shirt when it slipped out of my hand and fell to the floor with a huge thud, popping open the battery housing and the batteries rolled under the bed.  I was starting in on a cuss-fest like you wouldn't believe when I laid down on my floor on my stomach to get the 2nd battery out from under my queen size bed, and realized it was just barely out of reach.  Just a centimeter further than I could stretch my arm.  I laid there and stared at the battery for a couple of seconds, and just flopped face down on the floor and started laughing.  I thought, "You know what, Bad Day?  EFF YOU!!!  I don't CARE what else goes wrong today...I BEAT YOU...I WON...I stayed in my calories, I exercised, I drank my water...I am a WINNERRRRRRRRRR!" 

Finally got the batteries back in and this is the pic I took to make sure the camera still worked...

I'm now going to go fix my decaf coffee and see if I can do something really cool like blow up the coffee maker or start a house fire.

Total Calories:  1326

Water Intake:  (4) 32 oz. glasses
Exercise:  Walked 4 miles at the park in just over an hour.

I may not win every battle, but by God, I won it today.  And I WILL win the war.   Never give up my friends....never, ever give up.  :)


  1. Holy hell woman...if your day's victory doesn't prove to yourself that you have all the strength you need to reach your goals, nothing will.

    I'm exhausted reading your account...and so proud of your will.

    Yay for you!

  2. LOL!!! By God Tammy you tell a great story. he he!! I'm sorry that you had such a bad day but overall you had a good day. You stayed on plan! Good for you! Be proud of yourself. You made it through the day. Tomorrow is another day! Hopefully it will be better for you.

  3. Hi Tammy. OMG! What a day! Like the other commentor, I feel exhausted just reading about it.

    But even after all that you still triumphed over adversity and came out on top ... unless the house is burning down as I write this lol!

    You can completely do this thing. This day proves it.

    Bearfriend xx

  4. God, I am laughing so hard that I can hardly type..I have those days all the time...it's like the universe is conspiring against you and if you went outside,you would probably get hit by a frickin meteor. I remember one time early on in my 'diet' I was standing in the 7-11 grasping a bag of barbque chips to my chest trying to talk myself into going over my calories...I got nuts instead....nuts.
    You won a huge victory today. Keep it up.

  5. Oh Tammy, what a day!!
    You poor love, I am wiped out just reading about it. I love that your sense of humour shines through. You have this challenge in the bag.
    I love the converstation between Fat Tammy and Skinny Tammy.

    Hugs and More


  6. Oh my gosh. I am laughing my arse off, here. Believe me, I am laughing with you, not at you. Some days are just a total waste of makeup, aren't they? *hug*

    I have to say, tho... You really did triumph, today. If anyone had a reason to go whole hog comfort food feeding frenzy. But you held tough and you didn't let it beat you. *bowing* I am not worthy. I am not worthy.

    Next time I am feeling as if my day is out to bite me in the arse and thinking that I want to eat to comfort myself, I am going to remember you and this wonderful post.

  7. Be nice to yourself! You do well!

    We all have our insecurities, to be sure, and that voice that undermines... if we let it. Nice show of resistance.

    It's nice to see that I'm not the only one that is fighting a 3-4 soda a day habit!

  8. I love seeing the pic of your dog eating the watermelon. So sweet! You are doing great Tammy! I have plenty of days where I just want to eat and I have to say no and get away from the food. I WANT TO BE THIN. I really really like how I feel and look much better than I would tasting a food I've eaten hundreds or even THOUSANDS OF TIMES already. In fact, I enjoy reaching for a legitimate snack and then stopping and telling myself no. I like seeing how strong I am now.
    I was so upset because instead of losing last week I had my first gain. So then of course I had to lose fourteen pounds instead of 10 for the month to be part of the challenge! Argh! Thankfully 3 are already gone. We'll see what happens in two days.
    I've toyed with taking pictures of what I eat but I always have a hard time sticking the pics where I want them to go. I usually end up destroying my entire post in some weird fashion. I'm enjoying your days! Hugs!

  9. You are my hero!!! I am so bookmarking this post for when I am having a crappy day and need the inspiration to get through it! At the very least I will laugh my @ss off again when I read the part about the booger! Love you, girl!!!

  10. we will just call you "GRACE" today okay? :) you reacted wonderfully!

  11. wow what a day! lol. But in the end your won a huge battle, so bravo on that! Keep it up! K.
    my blog: www.it-is-time.com

  12. You are amazing Tammy! So proud of your for giving the inner vixen - the Skinny Tammy - a powerful voice to counter the old voice. I'm still having trouble with that. I'm loving your food posts - you need to do this every day. I'm also impressed you can handle Lemon Torte delights - they are the equivalent of a Margarita for me! One not enough, a thousand too many! I dread weighing tomorrow because it hasn't been too good of a week for me. But like you - not giving up!!!

  13. Yum!

    That food is luscious. Seriously. I totally crave healthy fare like that. And having come off a cruise ship on Monday, I'm all about eating clean again and getting rid of the few extra Margarita pounds that found me last week.

    Eating consciously feels so much better. I prefer it.

    You continue to inspire so many - including me. Go girl!

    PS: You doggie is just the cutest!

  14. What an emotional ride I just took on your blog...first I was laughing (with you of course), then I was crying, then I was raising my fist above my head shouting "You Go Girl!!"

    My week is coming up for me, I'm already dreading it!! I can see me yelling at the poor man in my grocery store for putting up a pyrimid of cupcakes and brownies FIRST THING when you walk in their doors! They must get a memo stating "Brenda's week is coming up! Crank out those cupcakes and put extra frosting piled high on them!!"

    Keep staying on track! I'm not listening to those little mean voices in my head either, your keeping me in line!

  15. WOW! Congrats on getting through all that without going face first into the KFC drive-through. When I have days like that I try to hide under the covers and sleep it off. Congrats on making it through a hellish day. I hope they get better and better from here. ;)

  16. Oh my gosh woman...what a heck of a day!! I can't believe you didn't binge...that is so awesome!!! I don't know how I would've done with all that.

  17. You are a WINNNNEERRR! I'm sorry you had such a bad day, but at least you didn't let it beat you. I know what you mean about Scarlette being your baby; that's how I feel about my cat, Darla. I don't know what I'd do if I lost her. And it's so cute that she likes watermelon!