A food addict's travels on the road to recovery.

Monday, September 14, 2009

The Battle Rages On...

Can I just say how aggravated I am with my brain? lol

Here I am on Monday....so glad that I made it through the weekend with Dwayne, under my calorie budget, with 3 miles of walking in each day. Why have Sunday and Monday been so incredibly hard for me??? What is wrong with my brain??? I spent all day Sunday fighting off the urge to satisfy a craving for a huge plate of spaghetti. For whatever reason, it hit me a few days ago that I haven't had one of my all-time favorite dishes since I started this blog back in June. And I've been thinking about it ever since. It's really starting to annoy me.

Today....I've spent all day long fighting off the urge to scarf down a sackful of Krystal's, my all-time favorite fast food. Why??? Why??? Do these stupid thoughts EVER go away? I could understand if I was in my first couple of weeks of these travels...but good grief! I'm over 3 months into it now!! I will admit that when I go back and read my earliest posts...things are WAY easier now than they were when I started...by far. But at the same time, I feel like they should be easier now than they are.

I get tired of being obsessed over food. I get tired of out-of-this-world intense cravings for crap. I get tired of everytime something goes wrong, the first thing I think about is consoling myself with something fattening with way too many calories in it. I am so abnormal. Why can't I be normal?? Just one day?? Just to see what a skinny person with a normal brain feels like??

I know sometimes my posts are full of positivity, energy, and a knowledge that I'm finally losing this weight FOR GOOD...knowing that once it's gone I will succeed at learning how to maintain it. And then other days....well....damn. lol
I get jealous of some of the blogs I read and love. Some people seem to be doing so well....like they don't even think about food anymore. They just eat what they should, when they should, and never give it another thought. There are some that lose weight consistently every single week since they started MONTHS ago. Do you know how many times I've had a gain since I started 3 months ago? lol
Way too many.

Do you know how much I think about food? All day. Even when it's a good day, and everything I eat is healthy and good for me, and under my calorie limits. I still think about it all day, because I have to make sure I spend the calories right. I have to make sure I don't eat too many at breakfast because I know my biggest eating time is at night. I have to make sure I don't overdo it at lunch, so I leave enough for dinner. But then I have to make sure dinner is a sensible amount, so I'm leaving enough for little snacks throughout the day to keep the woodstove burning, as Sean would say, and keep the metabolism revved up. Some day it really does wear on me.

I really get jealous of people like my sister Amy. She's not quite so lucky now that she's over the age of 30 and has 2 kids....that definitely screwed her body up. But up into her late 20's, girlfriend could eat anything she wanted at any time and she was consistently a size 0 jeans. She's 5'7 and weighed about 110 lbs since high school. She used to sneak and get a pair of my too-big jeans, stand in one leg of them, wrap the other leg all the way around her skinny a$$ body, then yell for me to come look. Yes, she's someone to be hated. lol.

Not really. She's gained a little weight and now I kind of feel sorry for her. Hard to believe after all the years I fervently and secretly prayed that she'd blow up like the Goodyear blimp, lol.

But seriously....someone who has got a total grip on this and doing so well...advise me on this. Does it really get easier? Will I ever get to a point where eating is something I do just to survive, and not as a crutch? It doesn't even have to be a negative emotion....I can eat the moon during jolly, happy, festive times, too. Do you know how much I am fearing Thanksgiving and Christmas already? lol

Sorry guys for all the bitching....but that's what I use this blog for. To just get it all out....lay it out there.....spill my guts....somehow it makes me feel better later. I'm still trudging along....and I have a tiny bit of good news to report for this crappy Monday. Instead of my normal 3 miles of walking, I did 5 miles today! Woo hoo! Hooray for small victories. Gonna' try to do the same thing tomorrow. I will be so happy when I can come up with the $70 or so for a new pair of New Balances. I truly think I bought the wrong size the last time I bought shoes. Either that, or my feet have gotten wider/fatter. What a lovely thought, eh? The blisters on the bottoms of my toes are just unbearable most days, even wrapped in band-aids. But I walk anyway. I'm trying to reach a goal here....blisters or not.

Hope everyone is having a super duper, bright and cheery, smile-'til-it-hurts Monday. Tomorrow night I start watching The Biggest Loser with Pam. She loves this sh*t, lol. I've never been a reality TV show kind of gal. Give me fantasy any day....as far from reality as you can possibly get. Lord of the Rings was on TV this past Sunday....I was in Heaven. I've seen snippets of BL, but ususally turned the channel when Jillian started making someone cry, lol. Gonna' watch the whole thing this time with Pam since we're on this journey together. Maybe it will inspire me as it does her. Here's to hoping. :)

Quote For The Day:

"The safest principle through life, instead of reforming others, is to set about perfecting yourself." -B. R. Haydon

15 comments:

  1. Tammy,
    Your right that is what this is for...to get it all out there and win the fight with you...Because that is all you are up against Tammy is you...Its understanding and knowing what causes the triggers and figuring out with yourself how to make it stop...
    You are doing and looking great and you can and will do this, I know you will and can!
    Love,
    Irene

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  2. Tammy

    I love you post, even though you were having rant and yes thats what we use our blogs for. Shouting out the frustration and singing out the joy.

    Even in that rant you were being positive. You have the right head on at the moment, you know all the pitfalls and frustrations but you are overcoming them.

    As for your longing for certain foods, don't deny yourself the foods you like. I have learnt over the years that denying myself food is aiming for disaster. I then get into the mindset of "It's not fair, why shouldn't I have it?" Then end up binging.

    We have a saying over here, don't know if you do over there "A little of what you fancy does you good" and it is true. Having a small portion of your favourite spaggetti dish will do you more good than harm.

    Portion control is the secret, well not so much a secret since Sean has been spreading the word;)

    Sorry this post is so long, just wanting to say you are doing great girl.

    Well done on 5 miles walking thats Fabulous!!

    hugs

    Sheilagh

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  3. Hi Tammy. You've got to remember that your body is used to having more food on Friday and Sat so that's probably why the last couple of days have been difficult. It's missing that weekend calorie boost. But well done for not giving in to it. You WILL have a good loss this week for getting through the whole 7 days with clean eating - not to mention plenty of exercise.

    Well done!
    Best wishes,
    Bearfriend xx

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  4. First of all Tammy, you are not abnormal. Reading all these blogs you know we all have these cravings. I'm not sure the impulses never go away - it's how we respond to them that counts.

    I've done WW a few times and I think I was more obsessed with food on that program, trying to make everything fit into a specified number. That's not to knock the program - I came away with excellent advice and great recipes.

    This time I'm learning to trust my body to tell me when I'm full, and I'm learning to stop eating when I'm full. I'm eating healthier stuff because I want to BE healthy and lose weight, but nothing is off limits for me. I can't say that I've eaten too much "bad" stuff - I'd rather lose the weight.

    And, this time I don't see an "end." There will never be an end. I will do this for the rest of my life with the understanding that I will never be cured and that I will always need to be vigilant. That's the idea, anyway.

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  5. I think one of the main reasons you think about food as intently as you do is because you don't have something else huge to occupy your thoughts right now, other than stressful things. I would much rather think about food myself than think about things that stress me out, believe me!
    I think once you are able to secure a job and have other positive things to focus on, food will play a less important role in your thoughts.
    I have an energetic two year old that helped snap me out of my food fetish early on. I do remember thinking about food for much longer, much more strongly on other weight loss attempts, back when I had only me to worry about, and I had a no-brainer job that I was neutral about.
    Can't wait for TBL - I am so excited you are watching it with me! I hope you get as hooked as I am!
    Love you!

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  6. Hi, I've been reading for a little while, never commented before. Congrats on all your efforts! Seriously.

    I think you might surprise yourself at Thanksgiving and Christmas. You are becoming a very conscious eater. Good job!

    I also think you will like TBL better tonight than you think you will, or than the snippets u saw in the past. It is YOUR lifestyle & journey now too! You can relate, babe!

    Let us know what you think. I know I am looking fwd to the show.
    Kind regards,
    ChrissyS

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  7. Tammy, were you and I seperated at birth? I mean, dang...I think I wrote this whole blog.

    First of all, you know how I adore Krystals.

    Secondly, I get these cravings like mad too. I think I have a handle on things and then my brain says, "You must have Reese's Cups. If you don't, you will never be happy again." I think, for some people, food is such an important part of their lives that these cravings never go away. Some folks don't like sweets and fried food but I grew up with some darn fine Southern cooks and not wanting these things just ISN'T going to happen. I just need to get a handle on keeping myself from the evil of grease.

    And what did Paul say in the Bible? "For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do." Romans 7:15 NKJV This is about sins but I think it applies to dieting too. I want what I shouldn't eat and sometimes I eat it anyway!

    Thirdly, I have the skinny sister. Now, as I have mentioned, she works to look good and has never been a size 0. But that doesn't mean I don't want to have her body.

    And, said sister has recently told me that my tennis shoes make or break a good walk/run. A nice, expensive pair can help with knees and feet and so, I too need to save up for some decent shoes.

    And Tammy, honey, I am PETRIFIED of the up-and-coming holidays. I have THREE Thanksgivings to go to. And we have funnel cake at Halloween...not-to-mention the candy. I think you should come and get me and we will hide from Halloween through Christmas.

    But I want to commend you on your five mile walk. That is so awesome...so amazing. You're rocking the roads!

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  8. Tammy, it does get easier - most days. I still have the odd day where I want to eat something that I haven't had in forever, and sometimes I do have that food - just in a small amount.

    But as you are finding with your updated pictures, and the way you can walk so much farther now, once you start reaping some of the rewards of weight-loss, it gets a lot easier to not eat yourself silly.

    You're doing great - hang in there!!! Oh, and write about whatever you want - this is your blog, after all!

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  9. I know you aren't asking for advice but I too am an evening eater and one thing that has been really useful for me is starting my tracking for the day at dinner instead of in the morning. That way I don't have to stress all day about leaving enough for dinner, I just have to make sure I leave enough to get me through until dinner the next day. You've probably heard this idea before, but it was quite revolutionary for me so I thought I should share just in case. :-)

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  10. Hi Tammy -

    I don't know if you saw my message on Sunday about your pics, but you have gone through an AMAZING transformation. What you are doing is WORKING! But I hear you, there is still the problem for most of us of that constant craving, the yearning, like a worm in your head, like an itch you can't reach. I know it well. For me, the only thing that has helped me cope with that is the effort to practice relaxation exercises, meditation or visualization on a daily basis. I had to find another way to soothe myself since I was taking away the soothing the food provided. I know your not into the "quiet mind" thing, but, part of the answer lies deep in our heads. For me, I had to "go there" to shed some light on things. I swear, my entire day has a different tone when I start it out with a morning meditation. Who know's why, I just know it gives me this little bit of calm that I can relay on when thoughts of chips, soda, and cheesburgers tug at me. I think it helps to find an alternative way to cope and sooth when you want to eat something that is not healthy. But, hang in there - if you could see your pics as we do, you would see the results at a glance. I know how hard it is, but seeing you, I know it's worth it !
    Thank you for the inspiration!

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  11. We all struggle from time to time. I feel the same way, why is it soo easy for some people. I use food for comfort too. I will say I started taking supplements two years ago and its done wonders for me. I still struggle but its easier than it used to be. I have siblings too, that seem to keep the weight off easily.

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  12. Yes, believe me, it DOES get easier! And, Dayum, you look hot in your new pictures there >> on the right!

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  13. I go through the same thing. when you find the answer, let me know. :) I look at those other blogs too but it is not realistic. Have some of what you want, but in a smaller portion if that's possible. I know it's much harder to do than say. :)

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  14. Tammy,
    You are so not abnormal! You're just like the rest of us trying to get this food under control thing figured out. I think about food ALL THE TIME. Have you ever read "Secrets of a Former Fat Girl" by Lisa Delaney? I loved this book. She is very real, and inspiring and brutally honest. You made me think of this book because she laments about the fact that she wonders what other people spend their time thinking about because she is always thinking about food!
    If you'd be willing to e-mail me your address I can send you my copy since I'm done with it.

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