A food addict's travels on the road to recovery.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Ridin' The Crazy Train

I have a confession to make. I'm crazy. Certified. No doubt about it.

My life is crazy, my thoughts are crazy, my emotions are crazy, my no-job status is crazy, my lack of income is crazy, my mind is crazy....it's official. I'm riding the Crazy Train. I'd offer you a seat, but we're all filled up over here.

I could give you explicit details...but why bother. If you're anything like me, you already know exactly what I'm talking about. If you're nothing like me and lead a perfectly normal, peaceful, balanced happy life...then please don't tell me. I don't want to add insane jealousy to my already long list of insane emotions. I don't think I can handle one more ounce of crazy.

Everything that could possibly go wrong this week on all fronts of my life, has, with the exception of someone dying. And I hope I didn't just jinx myself by saying that. Please God, keep everyone in my life alive for at least another month so I won't think I just killed them with that last statement.

Thanks to all of you who left comments on last night's post....and for the ones who said I was pretty....gorgeous even (Shelley!)....it's time to make an appointment with your eye doctor. I was trying to type the official word for the "eye doctor" but I can't remember how to spell it right now. Crazy.

Scarlette....the one that I said is the light of my life....also happens to be the cause of much unnecessary stress and housework. Yesterday I told you there was dog sh*t tracked all over my house. She pooped in the hallway. I had just woke up, got dressed, shoes and all, and was taking her out to use the bathroom (Ha! what a joke...crazy, I know) when she apparently dropped a tootsie roll in the hallway on our way out the front door. When we came back in, and down the dark hallway (this was before dawn), I apparently stepped in it.

I found it about an hour later and noticed little tracks of it all over the floors, in every room. But I didn't see it on the bottom of her feet. That's because it was on the bottom of MY feet...my tennis shoes....both of them. Do you know how many geometric shapes, cracks, crevices, nooks and crannies are in the bottom of tennis shoes? I do. Because I had to spend 30 minutes using a wooden skewer and Lysol wipes digging shit out of each and every one of them. Then I got to spend the next 30 minutes bleaching all my floors. Did I mention I have bleach-induced asthma? Crazy.

There was much, much more to yesterday, but I'll spare you the rest of the horrid details. On to today.

The day started out good because as soon as I woke up, I threw on yesterday's clothes, my freshly Lysol'd tennis shoes, threw the dog in the crate, and escaped my house and sped to the park before anything could go wrong. I locked my purse and cell phone (I hate that crazy thing) in my trunk, and headed out for a peaceful 3 mile walk. It was nice. I came home feeling sore, but my mind was refreshed. I started thinking as I pulled back into my driveway that today just might turn out well (that was crazy talk).

Things started going downhill around 10am. Wow, that didn't take long. Again, I'll spare you the next few hours of details and fast forward to around 4:30pm when it came a flood. I had mentioned in last night's post that if the stars aligned right, I would try for a 2nd 3 mile walk this afternoon. Well....you know how crazy stars are. It started pouring outside, thundering and lightning, and naturally the dog indicated that she wanted to go out. I thought she had to go do her business.

I let her out, she played and splashed in the ever-growing puddles in the yard, found a few drowning bugs to munch on, and came running back in. Every morning and every evening there's dew on the grass and her little legs get soaked. We always come in and go straight to the bathroom where I keep the towel to dry her off. I take her out a lot, so we go through this ritual about 3x in the morning and another 3x at night. It's tedious, but I don't want her to run around with wet legs and get too cold, so I do it.

When I let her back in the house during the gully-washer, she followed me down the hall, through my bedroom, and into the bathroom. I shut the door behind her and looked down. She was covered in mud from her toes all the way up to her belly. She's pretty short and close to the ground, so this isn't hard to do. I don't know why, but for some reason it didn't occur to me that rain mixed with red Georgia dirt turns into red Georgia mud (crazy, I know).

I'm a clean freak, so I panicked. I tried to grab her as quickly as I could and she thought I was playing a game with her. She jumped out of the way of my grasp and danced all around my sparkling white bathroom. White linoleum, white bathtub....thank God my bathroom rugs are maroon/burgundy because she danced all over both of those, too. I bet there were 150 muddy paw prints on my floors and the side of my tub before I caught her. Stressed is not the word.

I decided to just bathe her right then. I stepped over into the garden tub, fully clothed, and I gave her a bath, washing her with my shampoo because her shampoo was all the way at the other end of the house. There was no way in hell we were tracking back through the house. I think I got wetter than she did. She hates baths. She's a wiry, wiggly little thing and it was quite a sight. She managed to splash and sling red mud ALL OVER my bathroom before I finally got her washed, rinsed and dried.

After all the fun of that, I got to go back through the house from the bathroom to the front door, on my hands and knees, and clean all the mud off the floors. Little clumps of mud don't mop very well, so this was a hands and knee job. Balancing 245 lbs of weight on 2 rickety kneecaps on hardwood floors is just crazy. And painful.

There was about an hour's worth of tears after that.....from all that has happened this week, not just the mud. I was deflated, depressed, disgusted, drowning and all I wanted to do was eat. Right about then, I looked out the window and noticed the storm had passed. It was fleeting, but I had a tiny little thought flit through my crazy mind, telling me now's the time to go get in those other 3 miles at the park that I wanted to do.

I didn't want to. After all I've dealt with this week, all I wanted to do was crawl back in bed and finish crying. But...

I did it anyway.

I knew that I was going to have a gain this Friday, no matter what, and that 3 more stupid miles weren't going to make a difference this late in the week. I knew I had eaten too many calories for too many days and this wasn't going to be a fake sodium gain. This was going to be the real deal....real lard...the artery-clogging kind. Walking another 3 miles would be in vain for this week's weigh-in and I knew it. But...

I did it anyway.

I knew that if I did walk, afterwards, all of the problems and the craziness and the crap would still be right there waiting for me. Walking wasn't going to make any of it go away. But...

I did it anyway.

I knew that I had holes in the bottom of my shoes somewhere because I always end up with two shoes full of tiny pieces of gravel and they hurt my feet....not to mention that I'd already walked 3 miles this morning, and if I did 3 more, I'd have some serious blisters on my toes afterwards. But...

I did it anyway.

I was right about all of it. The 3 extra miles I did this evening won't have much affect on a weigh-in that's a day and a half away. It didn't take away or fix any of the problems or crap in my life. It really didn't clear out any of the cobwebs clogging up my mind. My shoes did fill up with gravel, and it did hurt, and I now have bad blisters on the bottom of all my toes. But...

I did it anyway. I walked 6 miles today. I also stayed within my calorie limit today, coming in at 1436, knowing that's only the 2nd time this week I haven't gone over. I may not have made much of a difference in my weight loss for this week. But it's not all about "this week". It's about my life. And I hope it's a long one. And I hope it turns into a happier, less stressful one soon. There are way too many things that are beyond our control. For someone as Type A and anal as me, it can make you, well....crazy, when things feel so helpless, hopeless and beyond your control. Kinda' like you ended up on the Crazy Train, except you didn't buy a ticket. It just kinda' happened.

I'm doing my absolute best to control the things I can. I've done a poor, poor job of it this week. I've let life beat me down. But for each day that you do what's right for you with the food and the exercise...the things that you can control....then that's a win for you...for your life. And that's got to be what's most important. Make no mistake. It doesn't matter how much anyone else loves you or says they care about you....NOBODY in this world cares more about what's most important for you and your life than YOU.

I can't promise that tomorrow will be good. All I can say for certain is that today was a success. Sometimes that's all we can do...one day at a time. Life happens. Sh*t happens. And maybe sometimes you get more than your share. But I think that if we take each day as it comes, that even in the midst of chaos, if we can dig deep within ourselves, find that little wellspring of hope that we each hold...the hope that this time....this time....we can finally make the changes that will produce the healthiest people we can be, then we will ultimately succeed. We will make it. We have to make ourselves the most important people in our lives, because no one else is going to. And we have to keep hope, because sometimes there's nothing else.

I know....super long post. You'll just have to forgive me for that. I hope that everone is having a super fantastic week filled with good eating choices, lots of exercise, strength, resolve, a winning desire, and belief in yourselves that you WILL get there. If you're not, and you're finding yourself surrounded by insanity like I am, then I have a few words for you, too......Keep the hope alive. :)

Quote For The Day:

"What is defeat? Nothing but education; nothing but the first steps to something better." -proverb

8 comments:

  1. WoW What A Post!!!

    Sounds like you were visited by Hurricane Scarlette, lifted up, tossed around and left for a wreck!!

    But you didn't stay a wreck, you dealt with everything the best you could, you didn't give in, you didn't seek comfort in food, you didn't sit feeling sorry for yourself.

    You took care of the hurricane (bet she looked so cute after her bath your heart melted) you took care of the house and then you took care of YOU.

    Well Done on taking that second walk, that my darling took courage after the day you had. You have got the right head on and you are going to do this.

    You are not Crazy,(well maybe a teensy weany bit) you like me live in a Crazy World, we are learning to cope with it, sometimes we fail, but we are getting better at succeeding, aren't we?

    That was a great post Tammy.

    Have a Great Day Today.

    Huge Hugs

    Sheilagh

    xxx

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  2. Just think of all the extra calories you burned cleaning the floor and shampooing the doggie! Excellent. I ride the crazy train everyday, as I'm bipolar. Welcome!

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  3. Those rascals! Pups sure know how to drive you batty with affection...and big messes. I am SO PROUD of you for walking those extra miles IN SPITE OF all the reasons your mind told you not to. Those 3 miles DID makea difference. You pushed yourself. You made a healthy choice. And you'll find it easier to walk another extra 3 miles in the future. And all-in-all, this will show in future weigh-ins!

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  4. Amazing post! We all have those days but I LOVE your attitude about "doing it anyway". Keep it up, dont give in!
    P.S. You should try giving 2 large pit bulls a bath! LOL Talk about crazy!!! lol

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  5. I too am so impressed with all you did, and how great your attitude is!

    I make my teenage daughter give the dog a bath. It's one of those chores I don't care if I ever have to do again my whole entire life!!

    My life is crazy every day! With all these children, sometimes it feels like I'm in a zoo!!

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  6. Hi Tammy. Really impressed that despite it all you still managed to hold it together and get those two walks in. With this kind of determination you WILL succeed at this thing. You have the ability to put your healthy eating and exercise to the top of your list whatever else is happening.

    I am nowhere near that place yet, but I'll keep trying. Thanks for your support and the inspiration you give with posts like this.

    Best wishes,
    Bearfriend xx

    PS did you get the email?

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  7. You will enjoy Cherokee (about one hour from me...over the mountain). You also should have no trouble finding a trail to walk. Make sure you hit the Casino. Win some for me while your there! Have fun and thank you for the comment you left on my post!

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  8. Tammy, you're awesome. It's not too long ago that I remember you writing about how you had a really hard time walking ONE mile. And now you're walking six! Even when you didn't want to. I'm sorry you've been having a tough time lately. My life is kind of crazy, too, so I'm right there with ya. But hang in there, you seem to be doing great, whether you think you're crazy or not.

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