A food addict's travels on the road to recovery.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Honest Scrap Award

I walked 4 miles today....2 this morning, and 2 this evening. The soreness in my legs and hips from doing 6 miles yesterday after doing NOTHING for 4 days in a row is rough. Couldn't crank out 6 miles today, but 4 is still respectable. I came in under 1400 calories again today, so happy about that. Weigh-in tomorrow morning. I'm not even going to try and guess at what it will be. I'll report it and then get started on the new week.

I've been given the Honest Scrap award by 4 different people....Sarah at Ethereal Endeavor, Brittany at Me vs. The Buffet, VRaz60 and 266. Thank you ladies for thinking that I deserve this award...that really touches my heart. :) I've got the award displayed on my side bar, so for those of you that I'm fixing to give it to, you can pick it up there.

There are rules to receiving this, and I don't mind telling you I hate the rules attached to these awards, lol. As with everyone, I hate having to pick a certain # of people. Although the odds got better when it went from 10 I had to pick for the first award, to now 40, now I don't want to have to choose that many, lol. I want to say that if you're on my bloglist, I think you rock, but that doesn't even cover it, because I have blogs on my favorites list that I read and just haven't taken the time to move them over to my bloglist yet.

TOO MUCH STRESS!!! The other thing that was jumbling my nerves was having to list 10 things about myself that you don't already know. O-M-G. Now that list has grown to 40 things. Yeah, right! lol I started a list a couple of days ago, but it was during my bingeing funk, and all 10 things were negative. So I balled up the piece of paper and threw it in the trash. I started over. Then I came up with 10 positive, fluffy things.....and then I thought it sounded fake and sugar-coated, so I balled it up and threw that one in the trash, too. lol Then I had a nice mix of half and half, working on it while I was reading blogs and commenting, only to find out I won 3 more awards and had to come up with 30 more things. Ah hell!! So I balled that one up and threw it in the trash with the other 2 lists. I'm just going to shoot from the hip here. Whatever comes out, comes out. I'm not numbering the blogs I choose to give this to, and I'm not numbering the things I tell you about myself. I'm just going to start typing...here it goes.....

Award Winners:

Pam @ Journey to the Healthier Side of Life
Brittany @ Me vs. The Buffet
Sheilagh @ Sixty by Sixty
266
Dawne @ 365 days to a new me!
Josh @ A Personal Journey of Fitness and Fat Loss
Andrea @ Echo of Me
Lyn @ Escape from Obesity
"K" @ Fat [Free] Me
Tina @ Fat Girl Dives In
Rebecca @ Change Is A Process
jumping off the binge wagon!
VRaz60 @ Just for the Hell-th of it!!
Michelle @ My Journey to Onderland!
Amy H. @ No To the Deuce
Christa @ Our New Weigh of Life!
Kathleen @ Rural Maine Life
Amy @ The Not So Secret Life of a Not So Super Together Mom
Auburn @ The Quest for a Mile
Friend of the Bear

Here are some honest things about me that most of you don't know yet:

I snore, I hate it, and I hope it stops when the weight is gone.

I've got a giving heart and had a habit for many years of giving people the shirt off my back, my last dollar, etc. no matter how bad my own situation was, because I wanted to help. My Mom spent years upon years telling me that I needed to learn how to say "no", stand up for myself when the giving takes too much from myself, etc. I finally started doing that 3-4 years ago. About a month ago someone asked me for something and I told them I just couldn't do it. They told me I've become selfish over the last couple of years. That horrified me, and a month later, it still stings.

I've never colored/dyed my hair in my entire life. Now that I've got so much gray, I really want to, but thanks to my PCOS, my hair has gotten really thin, and I'm scared the chemicals will make the rest of it fall out.

Dancing and acting/drama have always been my 2 greatest passions.

I look forward to getting another job so I can start going to the salon again and getting my nails done. I have very thin, brittle nails so I like wearing the acrylic tips to have nicely manicured and even nails. I miss french manicures.

I still get a pedicure done once every couple of months. It's a $20 splurge in my budget every couple of months, but in my opinion, cute little painted toes are a must.

After God, family is the most important thing to me.

My phobias are snakes and tornadoes. These are also my stress dreams. I dream about either being covered in snakes, or being caught in a tornado. With the tornadoes, I'm always grasping onto a stationary object, holding on for dear life. I wake up just as my feet are lifting up off the ground. I feel like the night that I have this dream and finally lose my grasp on what I'm holding onto, will be the night I die in my sleep, lol.

I have a deep connection to water in any form....ponds, creeks, streams, lakes, rivers, oceans.

I'm not into astrology, but my sign is Leo. I do think that there is some weight to some of this, because I've read in several places that Leo's are leaders. I have to believe this because I have a hard time being a follower.

I'm a girly girl who loves painted nails and toes, anything pink, babies, puppies....but can't stand "girly" movies or channels, such as Lifetime. lol My favorite channels are the History Channel, Scifi, Fox News, etc. I love action movies, "guy" movies, and movies that have been made from comic books.

(I debated on whether or not to share this last one....but in the spirit of brutal honesty, I'm going to go ahead and do it...mainly because thoughts about this are what triggered my binge this week that consumed me on Monday and Tuesday)

When I was 18 yrs old and fresh out of high school I got pregnant. I was young, naive, stupid, and scared out of my mind. I considered abortion, but thanks to some people who really cared about me (Pam is one of them), I was talked out of it, and so thankful for that. I decided on adoption because I was so young, making $4/hr at a yogurt shop working part-time. I was raised in an upper middle class family and honestly didn't know anything about welfare. Her name is Brittany, she lives in the same state as me, but not in the same city. I can honestly say that this is the hardest thing I've ever done, and dare to say the hardest thing I ever WILL do. They say time heals all wounds. While I believe time heals most, I do not believe it heals all. It's been many years and I still think about her every single week. I've been thinking about her moreso this week for no particular reason. It might be because she turns 18 this coming November. Officially an "adult". What a foolish adult I was at 18. I hope she's smarter than I was. I hope she makes better choices. I am going to write an entire post about this story on her birthday. But for now, I am going to politely ask that nobody ask me any questions about her just yet. I will gladly share with all of you when November gets here...I'm just not quite ready yet. I have a dagger in my heart....one that I fear will always be there. If you've never adopted a child out, there's just no way to understand the pain, and I don't believe there's any way to accurately describe it.

I hope everyone enjoys their awards....you truly deserve them. I need to get a few more chores done before I hit the hay tonight. Will be back in the morning to post my weigh-in results. 'Nite nite friends. :)

15 comments:

  1. Hey, thanks, Tammy. Can't say I was ever expecting to get an award 'cause I don't think I'm a very good/interesting writer, so it was a nice surprise. :)

    By the way, I had a baby recently, and pretty much gave her up for adoption. It's a bit more complicated than that, but I pretty much know how you feel. It was very brave and honest of you to share that. Oh, and I have also never colored my hair, and I'm pretty scared of tornadoes, too. AND I love to dance. We have so much in common. Haha.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Tammy!! This is my first blogging award and it has been a secret burning desire of mine to get one!! That means so much to me!!!!!!!

    I loved your list, and I love your honesty. I look forward to November. *hugs*

    And again, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!!!!! :D

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you for sharing, my brave and beautiful friend. I have tears in my eyes.

    Thank you also for my award... I really do appreciate the recognition.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hi Tammy. Thanks for the award!

    Your honesty is very brave. Looks like you are dealing with the past really well. It's a very tough thing to deal with so go easy on yourself.

    The person who called you selfish - they are the selfish one. You are right to draw your boundaries.

    About the hair - I have problems with my hair falling out too. I use Herbatint - suitable for chemo patients and people with other health problems. Don't know if you can get it in the States. Have to say your grey hair doesn't notice in the photographs though.

    Hope you have a good Friday and carry on taking care of you.

    And thanks for your support. It means a lot to me. To give so much to other people is amazing.

    Best wishes,
    Bearfriend xx

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thank you for the award :* )

    I think about Brittany a lot myself, especially in November, every year since you had her. With as much as I think about her, I can't imagine what you go through, but, you are a hero in my eyes for being her mother.

    Love you. <3

    ReplyDelete
  6. Great post here. Thank you so much for visiting my blog and commenting.

    I have to tell you many of the things about yourself listed are similar to me. I love all water, feel there is salt water coursing through my veins (I grew up on the water in Florida). Water is key in the URL of my blog because I haven't swum in 10 years due to body image/bathing suit issues.

    At age 56, there ain't no question about me dying my hair, unless I want to instantly look 10 years older! Also, I used to have a recurrent dream about tornados - they were always off in the distance bearing down on me. Haven't had one in years - I think because I feel more solid and grounded. Finally, I snore so loud my kids called my cell phone one night when I was sleeping, answered it and held it to my mouth to record my snoring. When I checked messages the next morning, there it was. My husband said it sounded like a bull elephant! Thank you, my love!

    Finally, thanks for your honesty. Very courageous back at age 18, and still today.

    ReplyDelete
  7. You are very brave. And you did what was best for your child. My brother-in-law, my sister's husband, got a girl pregnant when he was 18. Facing his own unsatisfactory homelife and the "weirdness" of the girl's family, he and the girl made the hard choice to put their daughter up for adoption. She has a great family now and he even sees her from time-to-time. She thinks he's a relative but doesn't know he's her biological father (she's only like, 6 or 7.) Adoption is hard...but much better than abortion and often is much better for the child. You're a good mom because you did what you thought was best for your baby!!! Love ya Tammy and thanks for the Award!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Thanks for the award Tammy! It's nice to learn some more about my Atlanta friend. Hope you have a wonderful weekend!!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hi Tammy!
    Thank you so much for such a honest post! You are so great! I am adopted myself and I can understand how hard it must have to be a Mother who had to make such a tough choice.
    You gave her life how amazing. I am thankful I had a chance at life.
    Thank you for the award I feel pretty silly though as I have not posted in a wee while.
    xox

    ReplyDelete
  10. Thanks for opening yourself up to us, Tammy - you are a lovely, brave woman. Looking forward to your post in November.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hey Tammy! I need your e-mail in order to send you an invite for my now PRIVATE site. :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. Hi Tammy,
    Lovely post. Bravery is common amongst us I think.
    Thanks for the award. Will get at it now. I love honesty!
    The little dagger in your heart means you love and there is nothing wrong with that. You did an amazing and selfless thing. Bravo.
    Much Love
    Andrea

    ReplyDelete
  13. wow.. i'm so glad i scrolled down to catch up a bit. We have a lot of "samesies" too. Thanks for sharing about Brittany. I can't imagine what that feels like.. but i'm thankful you made the choice you did, and you had such good people surrounding you at the time. :)

    hugs... Amy

    ReplyDelete
  14. Thank you for sharing. That was very nice. My best always,

    Sean

    ReplyDelete