A food addict's travels on the road to recovery.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
I went by the apartment complex that I just moved from a month ago to pay the final utility bill. I walked in the office to give Christy the check. As soon as I opened the door, before I even made it down the hall to her office, I heard her exclaiming, "OMG Tammy, look at you!!! I walked in to her office and said, "Look at what?". She saw me through her office window walking up the sidewalk. She was FREAKING OUT at how much weight I've lost.
She went on and on, telling me how fantastic I looked, with this incredibly shocked look on her face. Her mouth was hanging open, jaw nearly hitting the floor. I kind of half-smiled, half shook my head, quite perplexed. I told her I just saw her a month ago...why was she acting like she hadn't seen me in a year?? She said she sees a tremendous difference from a month ago. Still perplexed, I told her I really hadn't lost that much more since the last time I saw her, less than 10 lbs. in fact.
According to her I look way smaller than a month ago. I know what the scale says, so the only thing I can figure is maybe all the walking I'm doing every day is causing me to lose a lot of inches?? Who knows....but her shock and amazement and continuous gushing over my appearance was very uplifting.
I also posted some progress pics and pics from my Cherokee trip on my Facebook page. I got a few nice replies to those as well, and that made me feel great, too. Another cool thing is I got a message from a friend from grade school today that found me on Facebook about a month or so ago. Her name is Cherie, and she let me know she's been reading my blog every day and is really enjoying it. I didn't even know she knew about my blog!! So....HI CHERIE!!! Thanks for reading girl!
Cherie made a comment that she wished she had the same willpower as me. I'd like to tell her, and anyone else reading, that I don't know if it really comes down to willpower. It comes down to a decision, or as Jack Sh*t called it in one of his awesome posts, A Day of Reckoning. Make sure you find him on my blogroll and find that post in his archives if you haven't read it yet. It's life-changing for those of you sitting on the fence. One day, I just got tired.
I got tired of being obese, of watching my health deteriorate at a high rate of speed, of being on so many meds, of seriously thinking about my own mortality. I got tired of wondering if I was going to be around long enough to watch my nieces and nephews grow up and if I was going to be healthy enough to be any help to my parents as they age. I got tired of being the fat girl, and all the heartache that goes along with it. I got tired of being tired. I was ready. Ready for a new life, a new goal, a new me.
So I made the decision to get the weight off and that was it. There IS no turning back. It's simply not an option. I've lost weight before, and gained some of it back. I didn't do it in a healthy way. I just ate way too few calories and exercised my butt off. My eating habits didn't evolve into healthy ones. I didn't learn anything about nutrition. I didn't do anything that would lead to a lifetime change....permanent weight loss and maintenance for the rest of my life.
This time is different. Now I'm doing it the right way. I made The Decision. This is the last time I will ever have to lose weight. I am making changes in my eating habits that have become part of who I am now. What I crave is changing to healthier things. Things that I once loved as an obese person, I now almost find repulsive. I'm working out the mental/emotional things that led to my obesity in the first place as I go along. Each day that I take a walk and get my body moving, I'm getting a little stronger. I'm building endurance.
I am on the road to freedom. The great thing about this road is that there's room for everyone. Anyone and everyone that wants to change their life for the better....the path is waiting. And the really cool thing about this particular path to Freedom, is it travels right through the middle of Blogland. So many wonderful, brilliant, endearing, strong, encouraging people traveling with you. It helps to know you're not alone. The road isn't always smooth...it gets rough and bumpy in some spots. But it is most definitely a road worth taking....because what's waiting at the end....freedom....has GOT to be one of the best feelings in the world. Can't wait to get there. :)
Pam provided me with today's quote...it's just fabulous. :)
Quote For the Day:
"Miracles start to happen when you give as much energy to your dreams as you do to your fears." -Richard Wilkins
Monday, September 28, 2009
I wear a diamond ring on my middle finger on my right hand that Dwayne gave me for Christmas a couple of years ago. It is getting too big and will need to be re-sized soon.
I have been able to fit into all the restaurant booths now. I haven't been to many restaurants since I started losing the weight nearly 4 months ago, but haven't had a problem so far.
I no longer fear eating in restaurants. This one is HUGE. I still choose not to do it a lot, just because I don't like fighting sodium gains, but at the same time, I've learned that drinking absurd amounts of water over 2-3 days takes the water gain away. With that said, I NEVER eat in a restaurant on Thursday night, since my weigh-in is on Friday morning.
All of the clothes that were in my closet when I started these travels are now all too big. I cleaned out 3/4 of my closet and mailed a 25 lb box of clothes to Pam, who I am so happy to report, is also too small for at least half of them. Now that's awesome. :) I have about 5 shirts that are a 22/24 that fit fine right now, and I've saved some of my old, bigger shirts to wear when I walk at the park. I have some size 26 shorts that I'm still wearing....they're ultra baggy but thanks to my more than ample hips, they haven't fallen off yet.
I took myself off of all of my meds when I started this in June. I wanted to drop about 30-35 lbs and have my body be free of all the medicine so that I could get an accurate reading on my blood tests to see what losing weight and moving more was doing for my health. I still take thyroid meds because that's a life and death thing, but I removed myself from the diabetes pills, the cholesterol pills and the high blood pressure pills. My blood pressure was actually down to normal on my last 4 doctor's visits before I started this in June, so I felt comfy stopping that one. I've also checked my blood sugar, and the last reading I got was a 93. As long as it's under 120, I'm okay. I am planning on making a dr's appt very soon, probably this week, to have my labs done again. I'm very curious to see where the numbers stand.
Housework has become WAY easier than before. I still have aching joints...especially my left hip for some reason. But my knees are worlds better, and my lower back isn't quite as bad as it was. It's still locked up for about an hour or two after I wake up in the morning, which makes my morning walks especially unpleasant, but I feel like dropping further down the scale will remedy most of this.
When I first started exercising, I could only walk 15 minutes and thought I was dying. I don't think it was even a full mile. I've slowly worked my way up to 4 miles in a row now, and some days I go back to the park in the evening and walk 2 more miles. It's a good feeling to know I've progressed from less than a mile, up to 6 miles in less than 4 months. I'm especially proud of this NSV. It's hard to get started when you're as big as I was when I started...but I'm glad I did. It's really starting to pay off.
I've really, really developed a taste and a love for healthier foods. This is probably one of the most shocking NSV's for me. I wrote in an early post that I was moving from full-fat mayo to Kraft Light Mayo, and it tasted "blech". lol
Well I stuck with it, and just found out this past week that I actually PREFER it now over regular mayo. I was at Publix doing some grocery shopping at lunch time. I got a turkey sub on wheat, no cheese, for lunch. Publix deli doesn't offer lite mayo, so I told them to spread it light on one side of the bread only, mustard on the other side. I was eating the sandwich in the car on the way home, and something just didn't taste right. I finally figured out it was the mayo! I found myself thinking it tasted pretty gross, and was wishing I had Kraft lite mayo on it. What a shock that was!
I hesitate to say this next one, but I think I may be over the fast food. While in the throes of PMS this past weekend, I wasn't feeling like counting calories, I was out on the road running errands, and was going to say "To Hell with it" that day and swing by a fast food restaurant for lunch. I was surrounded by them. Krystal's, Taco Bell, McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's, Captain D's, Mrs. Winner's, KFC.....and I couldn't think of a single thing I wanted from any of them. This is coming from the former Fast Food Queen. I had a real struggle staying away from these places when I first started. A real struggle. But the other day, the thoughts of all the salt, the fat, the processed crap just turned my stomach. I ended up going home and making a ham sandwich on sourdough with lettuce, tomato, onion, lite mayo & lite Italian dressing. Delish. :)
In the last month, while lying in bed at night, I have discovered my ribs, my sternum, and my hip bones. :)
I rarely drink Coke anymore. This is another HUGE one. I wrote in an early post that I didn't think I'd ever, ever be able to kick the habit completely. I still drink some once in a while, but the habit of having to have it is gone. Completely gone. It started out simple...I wanted to spend my calories on food and not drinks. Pretty soon, I just got used to drinking almost all water. Now when I drink Coke, it's 1/2 of one of those little 8 oz, 100 calorie cans....so 4 oz. and 50 calories. I'm very proud of that, especially in relation to my diabetes.
I love beer. But the most I've ever drank it is maybe once a month when Dwayne and I would go out to a local bar & grille and kick back for a couple of hours. I'd drink 4 or 5 Killian's, get a nice buzz going, and enjoy my evening out. Not anymore. Beer weighs down your exercise, it's loaded with calories, and it dehydrates you. Since I started losing weight in June, I've had 1/2 of a beer 2 different times. Although once a month isn't a real big priority in the first place, it has moved even further down the list of priorities.
This last one is kind of bittersweet. I have a beautiful collection of girlie, lacy, silky bra and panty sets. Every color and design you can imagine, except for white. White is too boring for me. I am very budget-minded and money-conscious, but my lingerie drawer has been my one, personal splurge. Lovely lingerie makes me feel pretty. Almost ALL of them are too big now. I've adjusted all the straps on the bras to the shortest length and they're all falling off my shoulders. It irritates the crap out of me. The problem is, I don't have the money to replace them right now and it's driving me nuts!!
There's probably more NSV's, but this is all I can think of right now. My calories are under 1500 today and I walked another 6 miles at the park today!! I did 4 this morning, and another 2 this evening. This probably isn't something I can sustain all the time....4 is more like it....but with Mother Nature visiting, I'm trying to level the playing field with that wench. :)
Quote For the Day:
"Life can be pulled by goals just as surely as it can be pushed by drives." -Viktor Frankl
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Saturday, September 26, 2009
I did it!! It totally sucked, but I got 4 miles under my exercise belt today. I was completely soaked to the bone within the first 1/2 mile. It rained the entire time...it rained all day. I had 4 miles worth of gravel in my shoes when I got done, and 4 miles worth of blisters on my toes, but by golly I did it!
It's been a pretty decent weekend so far. I stayed within my calories yesterday, but today wasn't perfect. No bingeing or anything like that, just a little too much snacking. I went over my calories, albeit I did it with healthy snacks. I know that some people don't count calories for produce...fruit and veggies. I say whatever works for you, go for it!! But to me, a calorie is a calorie, no matter how you eat them. It doesn't matter if it's 1 Snickers bar or 5 bags of carrots, lol. No, I didn't eat 5 bags of carrots, but you get what I'm saying.
Nothing special planned for tomorrow. Meeting up with my roommate Shane and his g/f for breakfast tomorrow morning, then headed to the park to do my 4 mile walk. Lord, I hope it doesn't rain again tomorrow!!! It if it does, then I'll leave Scarlette at home when I do another 2 mile walk tomorrow evening...if not, I'll take my baby with me. She seems to be doing much better today. I'm thankful for that. It just breaks my heart to see my baby sick and not feeling good. I don't have any human children, so I have a completely unhealthy attachment to my puppy. Oh well......there are worse things in life. I just wish I could make her live forever. :)
Quote For the Day:
"The definition of insanity is continuing to do what you've always done and expecting different results." -Anonymous
Friday, September 25, 2009
My precious little puppy Scarlette got sick right off the bat this morning. She had diarreah on Monday, but then seemed to be okay the last 3 days. Well this morning she yakked up 4 vomit piles on my livingroom rug and I freaked. I called the vet and made an appt, ran around and did all of my errands, met up with Dwayne and helped him with some stuff, and didn't make it back home until 8:30pm tonight. Been a crazy day.
The vet didn't really know what was wrong with Scarlette. He rubbed her tummy (feeling for sticks she might have eaten out in the yard), checked her stool for parasites, that was fine, checked her temp, that was fine, checked her weight, that was fine, gave her a shot, gave me 3 meds for nausea and diarreah, and finally told me she probably just ate the wrong kind of bug while outside playing. That's my baby....and that little assessment cost me $107! No biggie....I'd spend my last dollar on that baby if it meant keeping her in the best of health. I wish she would live forever.
So anyhoo, small gain this week. Due to my insanely busy day and nothing going as planned, I didn't make it to the park. My plan for tomorrow is to get up and hit the park and do 4 miles. Then I'm going to try and talk Dwayne into taking Scarlette with us back to the park tomorrow evening for a 2 mile walk. That's about all the baby's short little legs can handle. Hope everyone has a fantastic weekend! :)
Thursday, September 24, 2009
I've been given the Honest Scrap award by 4 different people....Sarah at Ethereal Endeavor, Brittany at Me vs. The Buffet, VRaz60 and 266. Thank you ladies for thinking that I deserve this award...that really touches my heart. :) I've got the award displayed on my side bar, so for those of you that I'm fixing to give it to, you can pick it up there.
There are rules to receiving this, and I don't mind telling you I hate the rules attached to these awards, lol. As with everyone, I hate having to pick a certain # of people. Although the odds got better when it went from 10 I had to pick for the first award, to now 40, now I don't want to have to choose that many, lol. I want to say that if you're on my bloglist, I think you rock, but that doesn't even cover it, because I have blogs on my favorites list that I read and just haven't taken the time to move them over to my bloglist yet.
TOO MUCH STRESS!!! The other thing that was jumbling my nerves was having to list 10 things about myself that you don't already know. O-M-G. Now that list has grown to 40 things. Yeah, right! lol I started a list a couple of days ago, but it was during my bingeing funk, and all 10 things were negative. So I balled up the piece of paper and threw it in the trash. I started over. Then I came up with 10 positive, fluffy things.....and then I thought it sounded fake and sugar-coated, so I balled it up and threw that one in the trash, too. lol Then I had a nice mix of half and half, working on it while I was reading blogs and commenting, only to find out I won 3 more awards and had to come up with 30 more things. Ah hell!! So I balled that one up and threw it in the trash with the other 2 lists. I'm just going to shoot from the hip here. Whatever comes out, comes out. I'm not numbering the blogs I choose to give this to, and I'm not numbering the things I tell you about myself. I'm just going to start typing...here it goes.....
Pam @ Journey to the Healthier Side of Life
Brittany @ Me vs. The Buffet
Sheilagh @ Sixty by Sixty
Dawne @ 365 days to a new me!
Josh @ A Personal Journey of Fitness and Fat Loss
Andrea @ Echo of Me
Lyn @ Escape from Obesity
"K" @ Fat [Free] Me
Tina @ Fat Girl Dives In
Rebecca @ Change Is A Process
jumping off the binge wagon!
VRaz60 @ Just for the Hell-th of it!!
Michelle @ My Journey to Onderland!
Amy H. @ No To the Deuce
Christa @ Our New Weigh of Life!
Kathleen @ Rural Maine Life
Amy @ The Not So Secret Life of a Not So Super Together Mom
Auburn @ The Quest for a Mile
Friend of the Bear
Here are some honest things about me that most of you don't know yet:
I snore, I hate it, and I hope it stops when the weight is gone.
I've got a giving heart and had a habit for many years of giving people the shirt off my back, my last dollar, etc. no matter how bad my own situation was, because I wanted to help. My Mom spent years upon years telling me that I needed to learn how to say "no", stand up for myself when the giving takes too much from myself, etc. I finally started doing that 3-4 years ago. About a month ago someone asked me for something and I told them I just couldn't do it. They told me I've become selfish over the last couple of years. That horrified me, and a month later, it still stings.
I've never colored/dyed my hair in my entire life. Now that I've got so much gray, I really want to, but thanks to my PCOS, my hair has gotten really thin, and I'm scared the chemicals will make the rest of it fall out.
Dancing and acting/drama have always been my 2 greatest passions.
I look forward to getting another job so I can start going to the salon again and getting my nails done. I have very thin, brittle nails so I like wearing the acrylic tips to have nicely manicured and even nails. I miss french manicures.
I still get a pedicure done once every couple of months. It's a $20 splurge in my budget every couple of months, but in my opinion, cute little painted toes are a must.
After God, family is the most important thing to me.
My phobias are snakes and tornadoes. These are also my stress dreams. I dream about either being covered in snakes, or being caught in a tornado. With the tornadoes, I'm always grasping onto a stationary object, holding on for dear life. I wake up just as my feet are lifting up off the ground. I feel like the night that I have this dream and finally lose my grasp on what I'm holding onto, will be the night I die in my sleep, lol.
I have a deep connection to water in any form....ponds, creeks, streams, lakes, rivers, oceans.
I'm not into astrology, but my sign is Leo. I do think that there is some weight to some of this, because I've read in several places that Leo's are leaders. I have to believe this because I have a hard time being a follower.
I'm a girly girl who loves painted nails and toes, anything pink, babies, puppies....but can't stand "girly" movies or channels, such as Lifetime. lol My favorite channels are the History Channel, Scifi, Fox News, etc. I love action movies, "guy" movies, and movies that have been made from comic books.
(I debated on whether or not to share this last one....but in the spirit of brutal honesty, I'm going to go ahead and do it...mainly because thoughts about this are what triggered my binge this week that consumed me on Monday and Tuesday)
When I was 18 yrs old and fresh out of high school I got pregnant. I was young, naive, stupid, and scared out of my mind. I considered abortion, but thanks to some people who really cared about me (Pam is one of them), I was talked out of it, and so thankful for that. I decided on adoption because I was so young, making $4/hr at a yogurt shop working part-time. I was raised in an upper middle class family and honestly didn't know anything about welfare. Her name is Brittany, she lives in the same state as me, but not in the same city. I can honestly say that this is the hardest thing I've ever done, and dare to say the hardest thing I ever WILL do. They say time heals all wounds. While I believe time heals most, I do not believe it heals all. It's been many years and I still think about her every single week. I've been thinking about her moreso this week for no particular reason. It might be because she turns 18 this coming November. Officially an "adult". What a foolish adult I was at 18. I hope she's smarter than I was. I hope she makes better choices. I am going to write an entire post about this story on her birthday. But for now, I am going to politely ask that nobody ask me any questions about her just yet. I will gladly share with all of you when November gets here...I'm just not quite ready yet. I have a dagger in my heart....one that I fear will always be there. If you've never adopted a child out, there's just no way to understand the pain, and I don't believe there's any way to accurately describe it.
I hope everyone enjoys their awards....you truly deserve them. I need to get a few more chores done before I hit the hay tonight. Will be back in the morning to post my weigh-in results. 'Nite nite friends. :)
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
I walked 4 miles at the park this morning...and then went back this evening and walked another 2 miles...for a total of 6 MILES walked today!! My calorie count is 1381 today...another fantastic victory!! It feels good to be back in the game. Let's face it....sitting on the bench watching life go by just sucks. lol
I was awarded the Honest Scrap award by 2 other people today and to tell you the truth I'm just too tired to remember who gave them to me right now. I'll go back and look tomorrow and try to pass some out tomorrow. Of course, this means I'm supposed to give out 30 of them....not sure if I can do that many...but I'll do at least 10. I'm so tired I can't even think right now.
I had a great day today...it's good to be back! Sleep tight all. :)
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
I will say that I still hate their outfits...that doesn't change. But if you watched tonight, then you noticed that there wasn't the same degrading yelling and screaming in the gym this time. That was very refreshing....and also proved my point from last week....you CAN motivate people to reach their goals WITHOUT screaming and cussing at them. Also, there was a segment where Jillian was talking with half the group about nutrition, etc. She actually seemed human....almost like she really CARED. Totally different from last week. That, too, was refreshing. It completely changed the tone of the show this week, and I was able to enjoy it, learn from it, and be inspired by it.
Bob was talking to Shay about why she was there. Her mom was a heroine addict and died from it. Shay has a LOT of emotional issues....she weighs over 400 lbs. She made a statement in talking to Bob where she said, "A lot of these pounds are wounds". Oh my goodness do I know what she's talking about. It put me in mind of one of my very first posts entitled "Healing Old Wounds". Here's an excerpt from that post:
" I am hoping that with each pound I leave behind it will act as a little dab of salve on the wounds that have been gaping open for so long. I want to heal. I want to be truly happy with myself for the first time. I want to love me."
I know that some people will say that you have to love yourself now....that you deserve to be happy now, just the way you are....that the number on the scale doesn't define who you are as a person, etc. I'm probably fixing to piss all of those people off with my next statement, lol.
Some of us fat people just don't feel that way. It can make sense in our minds...it can sound all warm and fuzzy...and we can even realize other good traits/characteristics about ourselves. But that doesn't mean that we know how to fully embrace the whole "love yourself NOW" concept. For some of us, these pounds ARE wounds....and for some of us, we do feel undeserving. We don't have to have a good reason for feeling that way, we just feel that way.
For some of us, we feel like getting this weight off and keeping it off will cause those wounds to close and finally start to heal. There will be scars left....reminders of what we went through and the terrible way we dealt with it...or didn't deal with it. The horribly abusive way we treated our bodies. But I'm hoping those scars will remind us to never go back the way we came. At least that's my prayer.
I know that for some of us, the weight is just a "surface problem".....you say that you just love food and you eat too much of it...a simple problem of needing to learn some self-control (although I think the # of people that it's that simplistic for is not very high). But for others, the reasons you got THIS fat go far, far deeper than just needing to learn self-control and correct portion sizes. Way deeper. For those people, and I am in this group, the mental/emotional work that needs to be done and the changes that need to be made are what's most important in these travels. That's the real issue here. The pounds falling off are just a result of working out the reasons you became obese in the first place. Yes, eating less and moving more cause you to drop the pounds. But learning how to reverse 20 year habits, thought processes, and developing new coping mechanisms are what's going to KEEP the weight off for me. It's what's going to keep me from going backwards.
Isn't that what we all want? To make this the last time that we ever have to lose the weight? To know that we will succeed, and then succeed at maintenance because of the things we learned and the work we did along the way? Who wants to be the blogger that has to post about a 50 lb. climb back up the scale, if they're still interested in accountability? Not me. That's for damn sure. It's not gonna' be me. I won't let it happen.
I slipped. Okay, I did more than slip. I took a friggin' head dive off the wagon. And boy do I have a nasty bump on my head. It hurts like heck, and I have a feeling it's going to hurt again when I step on the scale this Friday morning. I'll pay the piper, and then I'll laugh in his face on the next Friday's weigh-in. I re-visited my old way of life, and there are no words to accurately describe to you how depressing it was.
Here's what I learned. That's not me anymore. I'm tired of the stupid eating. I'm tired of the lack of control. I'm tired of not walking in the last 4 days. I'm disgusted with the bad eating. You wanna' know the crazy thing about the crappy eating these last few days? I didn't even enjoy any of it. Isn't that crazy??? I ate some of the same things that I used to eat before I started learning to eat healthier, and they just don't taste the same. Same stuff, totally different taste. How weird is that? Here's the other thing. They used to comfort and satisfy me. I haven't felt any comfort or any satisfaction in the last few days. I've felt miserable....I was going backwards and I hated it.
I can't believe I'm going to say this but I miss 166 calorie breakfast casserole. I miss cantaloupe and cottage cheese. I miss 87 calorie a cup chicken soup. I miss turkey burgers. I miss 32 oz. glasses of water. I miss a sweat-soaked shirt after a long, hard walk. I miss the pride I feel when I progress how far I'm walking from one week to the next. I miss scouring my low cal/low fat recipe books for yummy, healthy recipes. I miss being able to look in the mirror in the morning and smile back at myself...instead of having to look away from shame. I miss laying my head down on the pillow at night, and thinking back on all the great choices I made that day, and the restraint I exercised, instead of laying there in misery in a carb-filled fog.
It's time to get back to the things I miss. I'm the only one keeping myself from it. The only one standing in my way is Fat Tammy and even as I type this, I'm plotting her demise, lol. Her days are numbered. All the comments I received from my last post were just beyond awesome. I hope you guys know that I care just as much about you and the work you're trying to do, as you do about me and my crazy travels. I was feeling like a ship on a stormy sea that lost all of it's bearings and had been blown off course. You guys are my lighthouse. Along with the inspiration I drew from the show tonight, your kind comments and the private emails I received guided me back on course. You didn't leave me....your light shone bright....and you waited for me to take hold of the wheel again. Well I'll have you know that as soon as I finish typing this post, I'm super-glueing both hands to that wheel.
I'm very excited to do my post tomorrow night so I can report how many miles I walked at the park. I know how bad it's going to hurt...."pain is just weakness leaving the body"....I'm expecting to fully feel every ounce of weakness that I purge from this big, fat, lazy body. I'm going to pay for my sins from these last 5 days. I managed to walk 3.5 miles last Friday, but not one step since then. That's okay. When I get done, I get to enjoy the sticky feel of my sweaty shirt clinging to my fat rolls, and the aroma of smelling like hot garbage on my drive home to a welcoming shower. I'm looking forward to the feel and smell of a successful day. :)
Quote For The Day:
"Failure? I've never encountered it.......only temporary setbacks." -Bill Marriott, Marriott Hotels
I'm off my game this week. Way off. I started this final weight loss effort 3 1/2 months ago and yesterday I had my first day of bingeing since I started. What was going on doesn't matter, and neither does how I was feeling. I made a bad choice. The scary part is, I'm not sure that the behavior is over and done with. It wasn't a "free day" or a general "bad eating" day. It involved some really bad, out of control feelings, and those feelings are still hanging around. Last night was the first time since I started this blog that I actually thought it was possible for me to go backwards.
Backwards. How scary is that? Terrifying, really. This needs to be the LAST time I lose the weight, and I need to accomplish all the mental changes that come with keeping the weight off. I need to develop a completely new eating lifestyle that will sustain my loss for the rest of my life. I've lost 35 lbs and have learned to enjoy healthier foods....even made some progress with the mental stuff....but have known all along that I still have a long way to go. Some days I think there will always be demons to fight, even long into maintenance. But I never had the thought that I might not make it.
Until yesterday. My mindset is still a little fragile this morning. I'm waivering, trying to steady myself and get a tight grip again. My mind and my heart want to keep fighting and get it right, but I swear I feel like I'm not even living in my own body right now. Last night was like I was standing outside of myself and staring at a 340 lb girl eat her way into oblivion. Her name is Fat Tammy and it was like she had never even heard of my blog....like she has no idea who Skinny Tammy is or what she's trying to do, and really doesn't care.
Fat Tammy blindsided me....like she hit me over the head with a ballbat. I don't know how she made her way back in, but she's here. And she doesn't want to leave. I want her gone....I want my focus back...AGAIN. I haven't done any walking/exercise in the last 3 days. Day 4 isn't looking too good either. I'm trying to get back in the game....I had a cup of cottage chz this morning for breakfast for 180 calories. I've got some soup in the frig that I made a couple of days ago that's only 87 calories a cup...that's my plan for lunch. Thawing some chicken breasts for dinner. Just trying to find the tools to do some radical surgery on my brain and get rid of Fat Tammy for good.
I'm not sure if I'll be posting every night this week....just wanted to pop in and let you all in on what's going on with me. Accountability, right? No matter what, I'll definitely post my weigh-in on Friday. We'll see where I stand.
One last thing. A new blogger left a comment on my last post suggesting I either stop blaming Dwayne for my bad eating with him, or extract him from my life for good. I don't plan on breaking up with him over food, but I do plan on not mentioning him on this blog anymore in regards to food. I checked out her blog and saw that she did a post about me. She was a tad bit worried that she might have offended me. I want her to know that she didn't offend me, but rather than write that on her post, I wanted to say it here, so that ALL of my readers know that they're welcome to leave whatever comments they want.
I moderate my comments, but the only purpose for that is to axe ones that might cuss me out or call me a bunch of nasty names. I know this happens on other blogs, and that's the reason. However, I will always publish all of the other comments, even if it seems like you're "being negative" as she put it, disagreeing with me, or what have you. After reading her comment, I realized that she may not be the only one that's tired of hearing me blame Dwayne for my eating choices around him. So until I learn how to deal with confrontation better with him, and learn how to deal with the fights and bad feelings hanging over my weekends that will no doubt ensue, then I'm just going to stop talking about it.
Hope all of you are having good, strong weeks and are making solid, healthy choices with your eating and exercise. If I don't talk to you sooner, then I'll be back by Friday morning. :)
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Well....he didn't want Subway. He flat out said "no". He said we were going to Zaxby's. If you don't have a Zaxby's where you live, it's a fast food-type restaurant that specializes in fried chicken. Great. I could feel my stress level as well as my blood pressure rising, and I made the decision right then and there to let it go. I decided to not stress about anything all weekend.
We also didn't get to do the hike I was planning. Nothing I planned on doing happened, lol. But because I decided not to freak out over everything like I normally do, I ended up having a pleasant weekend anyway with Dwayne and my puppy. We did a little souvenir shopping. Dwayne bought me 2 hoodie sweatshirts, a pink bag, and a cap to wear at the park when I'm out walking in the rain. The front of the cap says, "Women who behave rarely make history". I like it. :)
We went to the casino for about an hour and a half, but it gets so smoky in there that we can't handle it for very long. It starts to burn your eyes. Dwayne got $100 out of the ATM, gave us each $50 to play with, but I only spent $20 and he spent $33. Just enough to have a little bit of fun, and then we headed back to the hotel to hang out with Scarlette. We stayed in a hotel that was built in the 60's. It's called the Pink Motel, and it's practically the cheapest thing in town. The reason we like staying there is not for the fabulous decor, lol. There is a river that runs right behind it, so you can go out your back door, grill out, sit at the picnic tables, and just relax watching the river flow.
Unfortunately, it rained the ENTIRE time we were there. We stopped and took a few pictures on the way into Cherokee at the Nantahala Outdoor Center, but once we got to Cherokee it was raining, and didn't let up the entire time. So we didn't get to go hiking, and we didn't get to grill out chicken like we were planning this time. But it was still a nice, relaxing weekend. :)
Here are a few pics from the trip:
Pam gave me the following Quote For The Day:
"Why say the sky is the limit, when there are footprints on the moon?" -Anonymous
Friday, September 18, 2009
It was SUCH a hard week for me, for no good reason. I had the urge to binge nearly every day. I'm so, so glad I didn't. I broke into the 230's this week and I'm saying goodbye to 240 FOREVER!!!
This weigh-in is a bittersweet milestone. I haven't seen 237 lbs. in many, many years. This is what I weighed in my senior year of high school when I was 17 years old.
It's bitter because 237 lbs. is a WHOLE lot to weigh when you're surrounded by 100 lb. twig girls , otherwise known as skinny b*tches, lol. So saying "I'm back to my high school weight!!" doesn't sound all that hot coming from me, lol.
It's sweet because right after I graduated from high school, a couple of life-altering events happened, and I ended up ballooning up to 340 lbs. at my highest weight. So this 237 lbs signifies that I've lost 103 lbs. so far. When I look at it like that, it's something to be proud of. :)
I'm fixing to eat breakfast and head to the park for my daily walk. I pushed past the 3 mile marker this week and I'm now walking 3.5 miles as my regular walk. Looking back when I first started, I was walking 1 mile and thought I was dying. Now I'm up to 3.5 miles and I'm actually starting to enjoy it. Did everyone catch that? Tammy, who wrote a post entitled "E is for Evil...and Exercise", is now enjoying the walking. Thank God for progress!!
Dwayne and I are going on a little weekend getaway to Cherokee, NC tonight when he gets off work. It's only a 3 hour drive. We're staying 2 nights and coming back Sunday morning. My plan is to do a 3 mile hike on a trail that Brittany from "Me vs. the Buffet" told me about and I was all excited about hiking a new trail. I reminded Dwayne yesterday that we'll be doing a hike on Saturday, and he said, "Well just make sure it's not too hard, or too far, or too long...I don't want to be worn out the first part of the day and not be able to enjoy myself."
Now....the first thing I wanted to do was scream "Lazy Ass!!" and hang up on him. But I didn't, I politely responded that the trail is only 3 miles and we'd walk as much of it as he could handle. In my mind, I was wondering what he was afraid he was going to be too worn out for?? Holding up the TV remote in the motel room? Pushing the buttons on the quarter slot machines at the casino? Leisurely strolling through souvenir shops? Lifting up his greasy Big Mac to his lips when it's time for lunch?
I was already a little anxious about the weekend eating with him while we're away from home and will be doing nearly all of our eating out of a very limited amount of restaurants in this tiny mountain town. But now he's trying to eff up my exercise, too??? If you've got a significant other who is completely supportive of the work you're doing, and is even willing to join in w/o offering too much resistance....be very, very thankful. :)
Thursday, September 17, 2009
It has rained every day here this week and precious Scarlette has tracked up my hardwood floors with muddy pawprints faster than I can keep them clean, so I'll be busy the rest of the night cleaning house. Woo hoo! Big fun at Tammy's house! lol I'll be back in the morning with the news. :)
P.S. Sarah, who goes by S. and can be found at "Ethereal Endeavor" on my bloglist, gave me a fantastic award today! It's called the Honest Scrap award and I proudly displayed it on my sidebar. Thank you so much Sarah...I'm truly honored! There are rules that go along with receiving this award, just as with other awards, and I have to pass it out to 10 more people. I've got so much cleaning to do tonight, that I just can't dedicate the time to choosing those people....I'm going out of town this weekend for a short getaway to the Smokey Mountains in Cherokee, NC. I will do my best to name my recipients tomorrow, but if not, definitely by next Monday! Stay tuned!
Quote For The Day:
"Work spares us from three evils: boredom, vice and need." -Voltaire
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Seriously....last night I watched my first complete episode of the BL. My best friend Pam at "Journey To The Healthier Side Of Life", listed on my blogroll, is a huge fan, and wanted me to watch this season with her.
I mentioned the other day that I can't stand reality TV...nothing has changed, lol. It's just not my cup of tea, but rather than generalize about that broad of a topic, I'll stick strictly to the premiere of the Biggest Loser. Here is my totally honest review....
After the first show, and I know this is premature, I'm sitting at 70% hate it, 30% curious. Jillian says in the beginning, "These people aren't LIKE you....they ARE you." She is so correct, and it's one of the main reasons I hate it. Reality is depressing a lot of the time. A lot of these contestants had really depressing life stories. I am the type of person that gets down and in a funk quite easily...way, way too easily in fact. Tell me your sad story and I'll be depressed about it and crying over it for the next couple of days. Do you know how many days in a row I cried for Jen at "Prior Fat Girl" when her mother passed away so suddenly and tragically? Yeah....that many. Someone I don't even know and had never even read her blog previous to that horror.
I'm telling you this so you'll understand why I have a problem with a show that is filled with so many depressing life stories. I cried through about 75% of the show...no joke. Oddly enough, the lady with the most depressing story, is the one I'll be rooting for this season. Her name is Abby. In 2006, her husband, her 4 yr old daughter, and her 2 1/2 week old son were all killed in a car crash. She wasn't in the car....in the blink of an eye, her entire world was stolen from her. All of her happiness, all of her joy....everything she lived for. She stated on the show that she's not trying to lose this weight for health reasons as far as being afraid she might die due to it. She said she isn't afraid of death....that death would actually be better for her. I believed her.
Abby said that she has to believe that the reason she was left here, is because there's a bigger purpose that she hasn't discovered yet. That there must be a reason. I believe that, too. For someone who's lost so much, how can you not want to see them win something as important as this is to them? So Abby's my girl in the race.
Besides the depressing crap, the next thing I hated is the outfits they're made to wear. Give-me-a-friggin'-break. They could have had them in full t-shirts instead of little spandex half-jobbies that let their huge bellies hang out and jiggle around for the whole world to see. The reason they do it is obvious...for the shock value...for the ratings. Quite frankly, I was disgusted. I don't need to see anybody else's fat naked body, any more than I need to show anyone else MY fat, naked body. It's just not necessary....and I'm not shocked, producers of BL...I knew what they looked like before they took their clothes off...they looked like I did when I weighed 340 lbs at my highest point. Highly unnecessary.
Thirdly....the screaming that Jillian and Bob do. Can I just say that screaming at me like that, cussing me a like a dog with every other phrase being "effing this and effing that"....is the quickest way to get a barbell shoved down your throat?? I am not kidding, lol. I'm normally not a violent person...but my goodness if I could have crawled through that TV last night...oh my. Haven't these people had enough torment and torture through their lives? From school on up? Haven't they had enough verbal abuse? I understand that they think making them angry will motivate them to work harder....I get it. And it's actually kind of sad to me that these people don't feel like they can do it on their own....and submit themselves to this kind of belittling with the screaming and the skimpy outfits. Just so sad. Made me want to grab people like Sean and Zaa and Diane and go busting through the gym doors exclaiming the good news!!! "Come with us!! You CAN do it on your own!! We'll show you how!! And you get to wear whole T-shirts and we won't scream at you!!" lol
Lastly, I'm not big on competition, so it's gonna' be tough to see the people go home once you've been rooting for them. I mean, I have my favorite, but you still really want to see ALL of them win...you just do. Nobody wants to see anyone fail....that involves more crying, lol.
So that's pretty much it on the negatives....I will say that I'm looking forward to seeing the contestant's determination and resolve result in some major weight loss. I want to see them realize that all hope is not lost, that they CAN do it...and that each and every one of them are worth the effort. The girl that I liked the least got sent home last night. It seemed to me like her attitude was a bit negative....like she had a chip on her shoulder....the least friendliest of them all. However, I am pleased to say that she went home, lost 60 lbs on her own, now has her mom losing weight with her, and has done a 180 in the attitude department....she was happy, smiling, vibrant....totally different from how she was on the show last night. So I was thrilled to hear about her update.
If any of you are huge fans....sorry I can't join your club, lol. I will still watch every episode...and I suspect I'll grow to like it more than I do now....but those first fundamental things that I mentioned about the clothes and the yelling....well....I just don't dig it. :)
I stole my quote for the day off of Joania's blog...it's excellent.
Quote For The Day:
You were born with potential.
You were born with goodness & trust.
You were born with ideals & dreams.
You were born with greatness.
You were born with wings.
You are not meant for crawling, so don't.
You have wings.
Learn to use them and fly.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Here I am on Monday....so glad that I made it through the weekend with Dwayne, under my calorie budget, with 3 miles of walking in each day. Why have Sunday and Monday been so incredibly hard for me??? What is wrong with my brain??? I spent all day Sunday fighting off the urge to satisfy a craving for a huge plate of spaghetti. For whatever reason, it hit me a few days ago that I haven't had one of my all-time favorite dishes since I started this blog back in June. And I've been thinking about it ever since. It's really starting to annoy me.
Today....I've spent all day long fighting off the urge to scarf down a sackful of Krystal's, my all-time favorite fast food. Why??? Why??? Do these stupid thoughts EVER go away? I could understand if I was in my first couple of weeks of these travels...but good grief! I'm over 3 months into it now!! I will admit that when I go back and read my earliest posts...things are WAY easier now than they were when I started...by far. But at the same time, I feel like they should be easier now than they are.
I get tired of being obsessed over food. I get tired of out-of-this-world intense cravings for crap. I get tired of everytime something goes wrong, the first thing I think about is consoling myself with something fattening with way too many calories in it. I am so abnormal. Why can't I be normal?? Just one day?? Just to see what a skinny person with a normal brain feels like??
I know sometimes my posts are full of positivity, energy, and a knowledge that I'm finally losing this weight FOR GOOD...knowing that once it's gone I will succeed at learning how to maintain it. And then other days....well....damn. lol
I get jealous of some of the blogs I read and love. Some people seem to be doing so well....like they don't even think about food anymore. They just eat what they should, when they should, and never give it another thought. There are some that lose weight consistently every single week since they started MONTHS ago. Do you know how many times I've had a gain since I started 3 months ago? lol
Way too many.
Do you know how much I think about food? All day. Even when it's a good day, and everything I eat is healthy and good for me, and under my calorie limits. I still think about it all day, because I have to make sure I spend the calories right. I have to make sure I don't eat too many at breakfast because I know my biggest eating time is at night. I have to make sure I don't overdo it at lunch, so I leave enough for dinner. But then I have to make sure dinner is a sensible amount, so I'm leaving enough for little snacks throughout the day to keep the woodstove burning, as Sean would say, and keep the metabolism revved up. Some day it really does wear on me.
I really get jealous of people like my sister Amy. She's not quite so lucky now that she's over the age of 30 and has 2 kids....that definitely screwed her body up. But up into her late 20's, girlfriend could eat anything she wanted at any time and she was consistently a size 0 jeans. She's 5'7 and weighed about 110 lbs since high school. She used to sneak and get a pair of my too-big jeans, stand in one leg of them, wrap the other leg all the way around her skinny a$$ body, then yell for me to come look. Yes, she's someone to be hated. lol.
Not really. She's gained a little weight and now I kind of feel sorry for her. Hard to believe after all the years I fervently and secretly prayed that she'd blow up like the Goodyear blimp, lol.
But seriously....someone who has got a total grip on this and doing so well...advise me on this. Does it really get easier? Will I ever get to a point where eating is something I do just to survive, and not as a crutch? It doesn't even have to be a negative emotion....I can eat the moon during jolly, happy, festive times, too. Do you know how much I am fearing Thanksgiving and Christmas already? lol
Sorry guys for all the bitching....but that's what I use this blog for. To just get it all out....lay it out there.....spill my guts....somehow it makes me feel better later. I'm still trudging along....and I have a tiny bit of good news to report for this crappy Monday. Instead of my normal 3 miles of walking, I did 5 miles today! Woo hoo! Hooray for small victories. Gonna' try to do the same thing tomorrow. I will be so happy when I can come up with the $70 or so for a new pair of New Balances. I truly think I bought the wrong size the last time I bought shoes. Either that, or my feet have gotten wider/fatter. What a lovely thought, eh? The blisters on the bottoms of my toes are just unbearable most days, even wrapped in band-aids. But I walk anyway. I'm trying to reach a goal here....blisters or not.
Hope everyone is having a super duper, bright and cheery, smile-'til-it-hurts Monday. Tomorrow night I start watching The Biggest Loser with Pam. She loves this sh*t, lol. I've never been a reality TV show kind of gal. Give me fantasy any day....as far from reality as you can possibly get. Lord of the Rings was on TV this past Sunday....I was in Heaven. I've seen snippets of BL, but ususally turned the channel when Jillian started making someone cry, lol. Gonna' watch the whole thing this time with Pam since we're on this journey together. Maybe it will inspire me as it does her. Here's to hoping. :)
Quote For The Day:
"The safest principle through life, instead of reforming others, is to set about perfecting yourself." -B. R. Haydon
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Dwayne is 100% supportive of me losing the weight for my health, especially because we are both diabetic. However, he just isn't interested in losing any of his weight. He's too attached to his bacon double cheeseburgers and racks of baby back ribs. He and I have been dating for 5 years now and we do not live together. Sometimes I see him one weeknight, and then I see him on Friday nights when he stays over and we spend all day Saturday together.
I talk about my blog to him all the time. He is very well aware of what I'm trying to do. And although I can tell that he feels bad about wanting to eat crap in front of me....he still eats it. We just do not eat the same things. A few things we do, but not for the most part. For one thing, he does not eat veggies....aside from a little lettuce and a thin slice of tomato on his bacon double cheeseburger, but that's about it.
I've been cooking for him on the weekends for many years now. I just don't feel comfortable stopping cold turkey and telling him to go out to a restaurant and buy something for all of his meals now when he's with me. So I'm trying to teach myself to ignore the smell and looks of his yummy, calorie-laden foods, and just eat what I've got here for myself.
I told myself this weekend was going to be different from all the others. I swear to you, it takes me all week long of busting my a$$ with exercise and shaving off calories every day for a week to not gain, or only lose 1 lb. I know if I ate right all week, including weekends, I could lose much more. I was ready for another good loss this week, so I called Dwayne on Friday before he got here. This is how the conversation went:
Me: I'm going grocery shopping, and I know you always say not to spend my grocery money on you....that you don't want anything....but PLEASE tell me something I can get you so we don't have a repeat of last weekend where you decide you're starving at midnight and we end up going to the IHOP.
Dwayne: I really can't think of anything I want baby. Don't worry about me.
Me: Pizza rolls? Stouffer's french bread pizzas? Chocolate chip cookies? Potato chips? Tell me something Dwayne....you need to say something.
Dwayne: Okay, get me some pizza rolls.
So, I did my shopping, and got him some pizza rolls and a few other things, and we got through Friday night just fine. I came in at 1497 calories, eating all of my healthy foods and no junk and I got 3 miles of walking in that morning...very pleased!!
Last Saturday, I asked him if we could take Scarlette and go walk the 2 mile trail at the park. He HATES exercise, never does any, and I figured if I could sneak in at least 2 miles (instead of my normal 3), then that's better than nothing. He said yes, and he lazed around the house all day and we never went. I was very disappointed. So.....THIS Saturday, I told him I'm going for a hike and would he like to go with me? I didn't ask, and give the day a chance to slip away....I simply told him I was going....and he came along. We hiked an easy trail called the Allatoona Pass, which is part of the Civil War battlegrounds. I know he's a huge Civil War/history buff, so this was an excellent choice. We ended up walking 3 miles, and he actually enjoyed himself, constantly commenting on how beautiful the woods were.
Here's the rest of Friday's phone conversation regarding Sat's dinner plans:
Me: I was thinking we could grill some chicken for me and some italian sausages for you for dinner on Saturday night. Is that cool?
Dwayne: (hemming and hawing....acting like he either didn't want chicken & sausages, or he was going to be too lazy to do the grilling)
I stepped in.....Me: It's either we grill out, or you can drop $50 for us to go to dinner at the Appalachian Grille.
Dwayne: Grilled chicken sounds great baby! Forget the sausages, I don't need those....let's grill some chicken.
(When the going gets tough, hit 'em where it hurts, the wallet, lol)
Here's how a full day of eating went with Dwayne on Saturday:
Me: 1/2 c. of cottage cheese and a banana
Dwayne: scrambled eggs, bacon, biscuits
Me: big turkey sandwich on sourdough w/ tomatoes, dill pickles & banana peppers
Dwayne: plate full of Pizza Rolls
Me: grilled chicken breast, grilled mushrooms & onions, 1 c. of watermelon
Dwayne: grilled chicken sandwich on sourdough, a whole box of noodles, 3 c. watermelon
Me: 53 calorie Russel Stover sugar-free chocolate mint
reduced fat mozzarella cheesestick
2 c. decaf coffee w/ sugar-free hazelnut creamer
Dwayne: 1/2 bag of potato chips, chocolate chip & peanut butter cookies, Coke
I'm very, very pleased with myself for staying on track with my eating both days. Today wasn't so hot...I did some mindless eating late in the afternoon around 5pm, and before I knew it I was sitting at 1579 calories and hadn't even eaten a real dinner. So I stopped eating for the day....no real dinner for me. I shouldn't have been so stupid with my calories. I'm 79 over for the day, but I've gotta' tell ya'.....last Sunday I was probably over by 600. So I can deal with the 79, especially knowing I came in under the last 2 days. Friday was 1497 & Saturday was 1460...with 3 miles of exercise on all 3 days so far.
About the progress pics, you people kill me, lol. Thank you so very much for all of your very kind words. It was so much more than I was expecting. Several of you mentioned that my shirt looked way too big. That kills me, because I just bought that shirt at Cato's that morning!!! It's a 22/24. I just don't feel like I'm ready for an 18/20 yet because I'm scared it will hug my fat rolls, and that is one thing I can NOT stand....especially when I sit down and all the fat spreads out. I'm telling you...that shirt I'm wearing is covering up a HUGE stomach. That's where most of my weight is....if you knew what I looked like naked, you'd totally understand, lol. My best friend Pam thinks I'm ready for a smaller size, and it won't feel tight like I'm thinking. I don't have any more money to buy anymore clothes with right now, but I decided when I hit my next 15 lb. goal and have 45 lbs gone, then I'm going out to try on some 18/20's and we'll see how they fit. Hopefully I'll be comfy in them by then.
It's been a super fantastic weekend and I'm so very proud of myself. I'm not going to pretend that eating cottage cheese while he was eating bacon and eggs was easy, because it wasn't. But I was focused....I knew that a big loss was more important to me than eating 1/2 lb of bacon, so I stayed on plan. I knew that if I could just get to Friday's weigh-in, then I'd be proud of the effort I put forth while he was sucking down all of those calories in front of me. I'm glad he was willing to go on the hike with me....it made it much more enjoyable. I'm happy all the way around....except for eating too much before dinner tonight, thus not having a normal dinner. Stupid mindless snacking. Oh well...lesson learned. I'll be watching that much more closely from now on. I don't like being over my calorie limit, and I don't like having them all used up by 5:30pm when I'm usually up til midnight.
One last note about the pics. When I read everyone's comments, and I kept hearing where the shirt was too big, I pulled up the post again and looked at the pics more closely. It was then that I noticed that my left ta-ta was trying to escape out of the front of my shirt. I am so embarassed. I truly apologize to anyone who was offended by that...I really wasn't trying to be crude, and actually got a little miffed at Dwayne. He was the one who took the pics and you'd think he could of told me that my cleavage was out of control....but he didn't say a word. Guess he was too busy enjoying the view. Dork. lol
Hope everyone has had a fabulous weekend, too. Going to go catch up on everyone else's blogs now! :)
Quote For The Day:
"What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself." -Hecato, Greek philosopher
Friday, September 11, 2009
All I can say is that I guess eating in the 1400 calorie range, drinking gobs of water, and walking 11 miles in the last 3 days benefitted me more than I realized. I've learned a valuable lesson here....don't understimate the power of combining these 3 things. The flip side of this is....if I would have done these 3 things all 7 days this week instead of only 3, I would have shown an amazing weight loss.
With that said....I'm fixing to eat my 150 calorie breakfast of a Granny Smith apple and reduced fat mozarella cheesestick this morning and then I'm headed to the park to knock out 3 miles. My number one goal for tonight and tomorrow is to not let what Dwayne is eating in front of me affect my choices. I MUST stay on track, because I am just sick to death from trying to recover from bad weekend eating. It's been too many weeks since I've seen a nice-sized loss and I'm hungry for another one. I'm all geared up and ready for this week's battle. Onward!
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Now I'm going to post some pics of my baby girl. It's hard to make them line up, so we'll just see how it turns out....
These are from last December when I first got her. She was 4 months old and weighed 4 lbs. Now she is a year old (birthday is Aug. 8th), and she weighs 9.5 lbs. She's a peekapoo and I just love her ears. I refuse to let them cut them much when I take her to the groomer. She's Momma's baby Ewok. :)
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
My life is crazy, my thoughts are crazy, my emotions are crazy, my no-job status is crazy, my lack of income is crazy, my mind is crazy....it's official. I'm riding the Crazy Train. I'd offer you a seat, but we're all filled up over here.
I could give you explicit details...but why bother. If you're anything like me, you already know exactly what I'm talking about. If you're nothing like me and lead a perfectly normal, peaceful, balanced happy life...then please don't tell me. I don't want to add insane jealousy to my already long list of insane emotions. I don't think I can handle one more ounce of crazy.
Everything that could possibly go wrong this week on all fronts of my life, has, with the exception of someone dying. And I hope I didn't just jinx myself by saying that. Please God, keep everyone in my life alive for at least another month so I won't think I just killed them with that last statement.
Thanks to all of you who left comments on last night's post....and for the ones who said I was pretty....gorgeous even (Shelley!)....it's time to make an appointment with your eye doctor. I was trying to type the official word for the "eye doctor" but I can't remember how to spell it right now. Crazy.
Scarlette....the one that I said is the light of my life....also happens to be the cause of much unnecessary stress and housework. Yesterday I told you there was dog sh*t tracked all over my house. She pooped in the hallway. I had just woke up, got dressed, shoes and all, and was taking her out to use the bathroom (Ha! what a joke...crazy, I know) when she apparently dropped a tootsie roll in the hallway on our way out the front door. When we came back in, and down the dark hallway (this was before dawn), I apparently stepped in it.
I found it about an hour later and noticed little tracks of it all over the floors, in every room. But I didn't see it on the bottom of her feet. That's because it was on the bottom of MY feet...my tennis shoes....both of them. Do you know how many geometric shapes, cracks, crevices, nooks and crannies are in the bottom of tennis shoes? I do. Because I had to spend 30 minutes using a wooden skewer and Lysol wipes digging shit out of each and every one of them. Then I got to spend the next 30 minutes bleaching all my floors. Did I mention I have bleach-induced asthma? Crazy.
There was much, much more to yesterday, but I'll spare you the rest of the horrid details. On to today.
The day started out good because as soon as I woke up, I threw on yesterday's clothes, my freshly Lysol'd tennis shoes, threw the dog in the crate, and escaped my house and sped to the park before anything could go wrong. I locked my purse and cell phone (I hate that crazy thing) in my trunk, and headed out for a peaceful 3 mile walk. It was nice. I came home feeling sore, but my mind was refreshed. I started thinking as I pulled back into my driveway that today just might turn out well (that was crazy talk).
Things started going downhill around 10am. Wow, that didn't take long. Again, I'll spare you the next few hours of details and fast forward to around 4:30pm when it came a flood. I had mentioned in last night's post that if the stars aligned right, I would try for a 2nd 3 mile walk this afternoon. Well....you know how crazy stars are. It started pouring outside, thundering and lightning, and naturally the dog indicated that she wanted to go out. I thought she had to go do her business.
I let her out, she played and splashed in the ever-growing puddles in the yard, found a few drowning bugs to munch on, and came running back in. Every morning and every evening there's dew on the grass and her little legs get soaked. We always come in and go straight to the bathroom where I keep the towel to dry her off. I take her out a lot, so we go through this ritual about 3x in the morning and another 3x at night. It's tedious, but I don't want her to run around with wet legs and get too cold, so I do it.
When I let her back in the house during the gully-washer, she followed me down the hall, through my bedroom, and into the bathroom. I shut the door behind her and looked down. She was covered in mud from her toes all the way up to her belly. She's pretty short and close to the ground, so this isn't hard to do. I don't know why, but for some reason it didn't occur to me that rain mixed with red Georgia dirt turns into red Georgia mud (crazy, I know).
I'm a clean freak, so I panicked. I tried to grab her as quickly as I could and she thought I was playing a game with her. She jumped out of the way of my grasp and danced all around my sparkling white bathroom. White linoleum, white bathtub....thank God my bathroom rugs are maroon/burgundy because she danced all over both of those, too. I bet there were 150 muddy paw prints on my floors and the side of my tub before I caught her. Stressed is not the word.
I decided to just bathe her right then. I stepped over into the garden tub, fully clothed, and I gave her a bath, washing her with my shampoo because her shampoo was all the way at the other end of the house. There was no way in hell we were tracking back through the house. I think I got wetter than she did. She hates baths. She's a wiry, wiggly little thing and it was quite a sight. She managed to splash and sling red mud ALL OVER my bathroom before I finally got her washed, rinsed and dried.
After all the fun of that, I got to go back through the house from the bathroom to the front door, on my hands and knees, and clean all the mud off the floors. Little clumps of mud don't mop very well, so this was a hands and knee job. Balancing 245 lbs of weight on 2 rickety kneecaps on hardwood floors is just crazy. And painful.
There was about an hour's worth of tears after that.....from all that has happened this week, not just the mud. I was deflated, depressed, disgusted, drowning and all I wanted to do was eat. Right about then, I looked out the window and noticed the storm had passed. It was fleeting, but I had a tiny little thought flit through my crazy mind, telling me now's the time to go get in those other 3 miles at the park that I wanted to do.
I didn't want to. After all I've dealt with this week, all I wanted to do was crawl back in bed and finish crying. But...
I did it anyway.
I knew that I was going to have a gain this Friday, no matter what, and that 3 more stupid miles weren't going to make a difference this late in the week. I knew I had eaten too many calories for too many days and this wasn't going to be a fake sodium gain. This was going to be the real deal....real lard...the artery-clogging kind. Walking another 3 miles would be in vain for this week's weigh-in and I knew it. But...
I did it anyway.
I knew that if I did walk, afterwards, all of the problems and the craziness and the crap would still be right there waiting for me. Walking wasn't going to make any of it go away. But...
I did it anyway.
I knew that I had holes in the bottom of my shoes somewhere because I always end up with two shoes full of tiny pieces of gravel and they hurt my feet....not to mention that I'd already walked 3 miles this morning, and if I did 3 more, I'd have some serious blisters on my toes afterwards. But...
I did it anyway.
I was right about all of it. The 3 extra miles I did this evening won't have much affect on a weigh-in that's a day and a half away. It didn't take away or fix any of the problems or crap in my life. It really didn't clear out any of the cobwebs clogging up my mind. My shoes did fill up with gravel, and it did hurt, and I now have bad blisters on the bottom of all my toes. But...
I did it anyway. I walked 6 miles today. I also stayed within my calorie limit today, coming in at 1436, knowing that's only the 2nd time this week I haven't gone over. I may not have made much of a difference in my weight loss for this week. But it's not all about "this week". It's about my life. And I hope it's a long one. And I hope it turns into a happier, less stressful one soon. There are way too many things that are beyond our control. For someone as Type A and anal as me, it can make you, well....crazy, when things feel so helpless, hopeless and beyond your control. Kinda' like you ended up on the Crazy Train, except you didn't buy a ticket. It just kinda' happened.
I'm doing my absolute best to control the things I can. I've done a poor, poor job of it this week. I've let life beat me down. But for each day that you do what's right for you with the food and the exercise...the things that you can control....then that's a win for you...for your life. And that's got to be what's most important. Make no mistake. It doesn't matter how much anyone else loves you or says they care about you....NOBODY in this world cares more about what's most important for you and your life than YOU.
I can't promise that tomorrow will be good. All I can say for certain is that today was a success. Sometimes that's all we can do...one day at a time. Life happens. Sh*t happens. And maybe sometimes you get more than your share. But I think that if we take each day as it comes, that even in the midst of chaos, if we can dig deep within ourselves, find that little wellspring of hope that we each hold...the hope that this time....this time....we can finally make the changes that will produce the healthiest people we can be, then we will ultimately succeed. We will make it. We have to make ourselves the most important people in our lives, because no one else is going to. And we have to keep hope, because sometimes there's nothing else.
I know....super long post. You'll just have to forgive me for that. I hope that everone is having a super fantastic week filled with good eating choices, lots of exercise, strength, resolve, a winning desire, and belief in yourselves that you WILL get there. If you're not, and you're finding yourself surrounded by insanity like I am, then I have a few words for you, too......Keep the hope alive. :)
Quote For The Day:
"What is defeat? Nothing but education; nothing but the first steps to something better." -proverb
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
So, tomorrow is a new day and a fresh start, and I'm looking forward to a piece of 166 calorie breakfast casserole that I made. I'll try to post a pic of it. Then I'm headed out for a 3 mile walk at the park, and if if the stars align right, another 3 mile walk tomorrow evening. Walking makes me feel better, and I need to feel better.
My roommate Shane taught me how to scan pictures from my printer to my laptop tonight, so I'm going to try to figure out how to get them on my blog now w/o having to bother Pam again. If they don't line up right, just bear with me. I'm a work in progress...in more ways than one. :)
Breakfast Casserole w/ ham, fresh mushrooms, a little summer squash & orange bell pepper, baby asparagus, 3/4 c. of fat free shredded cheddar, 1/2 c. fat free cottage cheese, and 10 egg whites.